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Given her history you have a choice. Your husband or your sister.
Your sister is an adult. She can choose to get help and treatment or she can refuse. I can see why your husband has had enough.
Your husband can set his own boundaries like not having her in the same house as him and not allowing her to sleep over. Her behaviour might be a deal breaker for him. I have lunatic family and i know i couldn't tolerate having them in my house.
If its hidden, its cheating.
I'm sorry… WHAT?!
I'm imagining myself dating a man like that and I just couldn't. No matter how nice and handsome. I would be so incredibly bored. I'm studying abroad, love travelling, obviously know how to take care of myself since i live! alone in a different country for most of the year, i love learning new things, etc. and I could never date a man who is dependent on his parents and has no desire to ever leave his state/country. It just sounds incredibly boring to me and i would feel mentally very unstimulated in a relationship like that. Additionally when i date someone i need to not only respect them but look up to them, they need to have qualities that make me want to better myself. and being with someone like you describe would just make me feel like i'm stagnating. That is personal to me though, so as much as she would not make me happy i also would not make her happy. You need to determine for yourself what your standards are.
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So did you agree with her to stay home? Or did she railroad you with that too?
I have tried talking to her she doesn't know, I know what used to be her turn ons but those don't work anymore, the toys we've used once and she doesn't masturbate She said she thinks it's her medication but that has been changed because of it and there has been no change
both of these human beings are despicable.
your reactions are entirely understandable and justified. it seems clear that you have done everything you possibly could to try to make it work.
you deserve a fresh start. no romantic love is worth losing yourself and your sanity over. i deeply hope you come to believe that. your children deserve the vibrant, happy, confident, parent that i’m sure you are when you are loved correctly. you deserve that too.
I know you're trying to ask us to set the age gap aside but I think a lot of these issues are a direct result of the age gap and where you're at in your life in comparison to him. I'm gonna share my story with you.
When I was 22 I started dating a 27 year old. I was focused on getting back in school and getting my life back on track after leaving an abusive relationship with a man I'd lived with since i was 19. He was 27 with a full time job, a degree, and was looking towards the next stage in his life.
Within the first year there were problems. I'd made it very clear from the beginning i had no intention of living with him anytime soon, CERTAINLY not signing a lease with him. I'd done the “move in too soon” story and I wasn't about to replay that nightmare again anytime soon. Regardless, 6 months in he was telling me he “expected” us to be living together within the following 6 months. I told him he could pound sand so he eventually moved into a space on his own that he paid rent on and I shared the utilities/groceries when I moved in later.
We also had a lot of issues with things related to me going back to school. He wanted to go to Japan before he turned 30 and wanted me to save thousands of dollars up to go with him. Which if I was in the same stage of life as him would have been reasonable and easy, but I was a full time college student with a part time job and bills of my own to pay. I'd also made it VERY clear I didn't want to see an engagement ring until I was out of school, which he rankled at and later flat out ignored when he asked my dad's permission to propose knowing I was more than a year out from the end of school.
He also expected to know where I was at any time. If I was leaving work and missed a call because I was chatting with a friend for a half hour, he'd call another 6 times and text asking where I was. Sure, he had anxiety, but I was 25. Too old to have someone keeping tabs on me and too young to have someone that level of worried about where I was and when I'd be home.
At 26 I broke up with him and started dating someone who was 24. You'd be amazed at the difference it makes being in the same stage in life as your partner. I went to England for 2 weeks with my best friend without him. I could go out without having to check in. I got to behave like a mid-20s person for the first time and it was so freeing. And this relationship has grown with us. I'm now 30 and we live! together with a cat. We do more adult couple things but we still have our own lives. We sat together on the couch the other night discussing what a proposal might look like and how we want our marriage to be structured when we get there. Neither one of us feels like we're being rushed into that stage of our lives because we had the space to grow together into the next stage.
It definitely feels like this relationship isn't serving you in the way you need now. And thats ok. One of the parts of growing up is learning a relationship doesn't need to be “bad” for it not to serve you, and that that's a completely reasonable justification for ending it. Several of my friends found dating SO much easier after reaching that realization and many of us found that the next partner we dated following that was the one we expect to be with for the long haul.
You're 25. You're too young to feel stuck like this already and I applaud you for wanting to find the most kind way to get to the freedom you need.
It's reasonable to want a permanent space for studying. You're feeling like he isn't making room for you because…he isn't. He wants to keep everything the same and have you squeeze yourself into the leftover space as best you can.
Indulging something for him occasionally is one thing. I would give oral sex to male partners even though I don't like it that much because I wanted to please them. This is different. You need to tell him that it hurts and you don't like it and don't want it to continue. Be prepared for this to end the relationship. You cannot live! your life like this so the break up will happen eventually. If he knows already that you don't like it then that means have a plan to escape because it could become dangerous
Then what are you doing personally to work on this issue of fear and insecurity?
Or you in counselling? Do you do shadow work? Journaling? Any type of critical self reflection so you can work through this?
Not everything is teddy bears and unicorns. You ignored her simple request multiple times and now you get to deal with the consequences, it’s called being an adult.
Me personally, I wouldn’t have even dated a smoker at all, smokers’ clothes stink in my opinion. Kissed a smoker once, was like kissing an ashtray.
So he was creeping around campus for no good reason, looking for a young woman to turn into his servant and part time mommy, and he hid the fact that he had 3 kids until he had you locked in. Ugh, get out before you have a kid with him and are really trapped. He's gross.
You're in big trouble man. Get a therapist. Get a lawyer. Get home security. Get your finances and other things in order. Your life is about to REALLY suck. You're 100% screwed, guilty or not. I am so sorry for what you're about to go through.
Not sure if this post is visible to anyone?
You only live! once. You could die tomorrow and your boss will hire your replacement within a week. Would you rather have the memories of going on an international vacation or work?
YOU DIDN'T BELIEVE IT WAS SERIOUS.
Why on god's green earth would she feel like you are a trustworthy person to discuss her health with.
Grow the fuck up. Google the condition your fucking wife has.