Also peer pressure probably drinking with the guys on a night out. That goes like another, another, another if you say no they will all call you out. Maybe he should find different friends also.
Yeah if these two aren’t physically cheating I would kind of see them as being in denial of their relation to each other, that they think ‘well we aren’t physically cheating so this is fine’ as if that makes the rest okay. Almost like two who think they ‘might be together in another life’ if their circumstances had been different. Sounds like a situation where it could just be a matter of time or right emotional situation where they can rationalize going further to physically cheat. You always hear people say they never meant to cheat, that wasn’t their intention, ‘it just happened’ well it’s stuff like this that opens the door to let it begin. But I know that is technically assuming a lot.
Had the same thing happen with my bf and I. I opened snap on my way to work, and it updated my location to a random house across the street from where I opened it. I didn’t open snap the rest of my shift so it said I was at that house all day. My bf asked me about it and it took me like 2 days to realize what happened. In the mean time, I was very upset and offended that he was accusing me of cheating/lying and even more distraught because he had “proof” that made it look like I was lying.
This is all really insightful. Good way to look at things. I don't have a lot of needs or wants to feel fulfilled or happy and I very much enjoy other people being happy. There's definitely more I could do for myself, I'll do a big think and see where I come out on the other side.
Boundaries are definitely the first order of business too!!
Ecaf, your GF's strong abandonment fear — as well as her abusive and controlling behaviors — may be due to her having very weak control over her own emotions (i.e., a lack of emotional skills she had no opportunity to acquire in childhood). My exW has this problem. If that is an issue for your GF, you likely have been seeing 3 other warning signs.
First, you would be seeing her rely heavily on black-white thinking, wherein she tends to categorize some people as “all good” (“with me”) or “all bad” (“against me”) and will recategorize them — in just a few seconds — from one polar extreme to the other based on a minor infraction.
Because she also uses B-W thinking in judging HERSELF, she would rarely acknowledge making a mistake or having a flaw. Doing so would imply, in her mind, she is “all bad.” She thus would blame nearly all misfortunes and mistakes on you and view herself as “The Victim.”
Further, to validate her “victim” status, she would keep a detailed mental list of every infraction/mistake you ever did (real or imagined) and would not hesitate to pull out the entire list to defend herself in the smallest, most insignificant disagreement with you. Moreover, this B-W thinking also would be evident in her frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions like “you ALWAYS…” and “you NEVER….”
Second, you would not see her expressing her anger to casual friends, classmates, or total strangers. She usually gets along fine with them. Rather, her temper tantrums almost exclusively would be expressed against a close loved one (e.g., against you or her parents).
Third, you are convinced she truly loves you. But you often see her flipping, on a dime, between Jekyll (loving you) and Hyde (devaluing or hating you), often making you feel like you're walking on eggshells. Such flips would occur in a few seconds in response to some minor thing you say or do.
Ecaf, have you been seeing strong occurrences of these 3 red flags?
I am wondering the same. I'm asking her that often, but she reassures me she's not depressed or under stress. She seems really happy to be around me in fact, she sings and dances often. It's just such a sudden change in her behaviour, she was the one initiating everything and being more touchy, and now she's annoyed when I come up to her and she's playing a video game on her phone. She's also on her phone much more often. She became addicted to video games and has a screen time of 10+ hours a day.
Also peer pressure probably drinking with the guys on a night out. That goes like another, another, another if you say no they will all call you out. Maybe he should find different friends also.
Yeah if these two aren’t physically cheating I would kind of see them as being in denial of their relation to each other, that they think ‘well we aren’t physically cheating so this is fine’ as if that makes the rest okay. Almost like two who think they ‘might be together in another life’ if their circumstances had been different. Sounds like a situation where it could just be a matter of time or right emotional situation where they can rationalize going further to physically cheat. You always hear people say they never meant to cheat, that wasn’t their intention, ‘it just happened’ well it’s stuff like this that opens the door to let it begin. But I know that is technically assuming a lot.
Had the same thing happen with my bf and I. I opened snap on my way to work, and it updated my location to a random house across the street from where I opened it. I didn’t open snap the rest of my shift so it said I was at that house all day. My bf asked me about it and it took me like 2 days to realize what happened. In the mean time, I was very upset and offended that he was accusing me of cheating/lying and even more distraught because he had “proof” that made it look like I was lying.
If it comes to that I’ll not stay in that relationship. He isn’t like that though. Hopefully it will remain this way.
This is all really insightful. Good way to look at things. I don't have a lot of needs or wants to feel fulfilled or happy and I very much enjoy other people being happy. There's definitely more I could do for myself, I'll do a big think and see where I come out on the other side.
Boundaries are definitely the first order of business too!!
Ecaf, your GF's strong abandonment fear — as well as her abusive and controlling behaviors — may be due to her having very weak control over her own emotions (i.e., a lack of emotional skills she had no opportunity to acquire in childhood). My exW has this problem. If that is an issue for your GF, you likely have been seeing 3 other warning signs.
First, you would be seeing her rely heavily on black-white thinking, wherein she tends to categorize some people as “all good” (“with me”) or “all bad” (“against me”) and will recategorize them — in just a few seconds — from one polar extreme to the other based on a minor infraction.
Because she also uses B-W thinking in judging HERSELF, she would rarely acknowledge making a mistake or having a flaw. Doing so would imply, in her mind, she is “all bad.” She thus would blame nearly all misfortunes and mistakes on you and view herself as “The Victim.”
Further, to validate her “victim” status, she would keep a detailed mental list of every infraction/mistake you ever did (real or imagined) and would not hesitate to pull out the entire list to defend herself in the smallest, most insignificant disagreement with you. Moreover, this B-W thinking also would be evident in her frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions like “you ALWAYS…” and “you NEVER….”
Second, you would not see her expressing her anger to casual friends, classmates, or total strangers. She usually gets along fine with them. Rather, her temper tantrums almost exclusively would be expressed against a close loved one (e.g., against you or her parents).
Third, you are convinced she truly loves you. But you often see her flipping, on a dime, between Jekyll (loving you) and Hyde (devaluing or hating you), often making you feel like you're walking on eggshells. Such flips would occur in a few seconds in response to some minor thing you say or do.
Ecaf, have you been seeing strong occurrences of these 3 red flags?
I am wondering the same. I'm asking her that often, but she reassures me she's not depressed or under stress. She seems really happy to be around me in fact, she sings and dances often. It's just such a sudden change in her behaviour, she was the one initiating everything and being more touchy, and now she's annoyed when I come up to her and she's playing a video game on her phone. She's also on her phone much more often. She became addicted to video games and has a screen time of 10+ hours a day.
we always let each other know if we’re talking/hanging out one on one with people of opposite gender (that includes casual conversations
You're not allowed to talk to half the population without reporting in. That's insane. Time to revisit this agreement.