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Op, do you have a backup plan for who raises you daughter when you go to prison and your ex gets deported?
I created a Reddit account for you and you pull this bs.
This is abuse. You say your parents are otherwise caring so maybe it is extreme ignorance. Either way, their behavior needs to change. Tell an adult you trust. . .a teacher, guidance counselor, relative, pastor, whatever adult in your life who can help you. I am so sorry you are going through this and I wish you a happy, healthy future.
To be fair, I also really dislike it when men make these kinds of comments. My feeling is that if I did give you “evil eyes,” it was for a damn good reason, and I don't like you joking about that as if it wasn't a big deal, and if I didn't, you're blowing up my normal reaction into making me seem like a crazy bitch. BUT. I wouldn't ever end a relationship over something like that. I agree with the other commenters that there was probably other stuff going on.
I am also autistic, think OP might be too, and think that regardless he was baiting OP and not respecting her boundaries
She wants to see me again….honestly, she's younger and going through a stoner phase, and that used to make me shut out the world around me and not respond to texts, so I do get that…
Also, I think I'm going to be natural around other girls at work, not out of spite. And next time she expresses jealousy or whatever that's likely when we'll talk…not that I've figured out that convo yet, just saying as a side note…that's about half of my plan of action atm..
That's not what he did though was it. He told her that her friendship with him is over. I never said wah wah he's being controlling. Just that he had no right to tell someone who they can't and can't be friends with. He's having a sook, he should shut the fuck up.
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Then start thinking about and exploring your options for single motherhood. Don’t marry some random dude just to get you pregnant. There are plenty of women who do that who— shock— also end up single.
Do you really think a rational, smart man is going to propose to a woman he’s been dating six months because she demands to get married and pregnant immediately? Do you want to be married to someone dumb enough to do that?
Couldn’t agree more. Everyone is jumping on this friend and yet, without his actions exactly the way he did them, this story wouldn’t have turned out this way.
I question sometimes if people on the sub live in the real world or give advice/comment on how they want it to be. Friendships are nuanced as are people. This friend obviously knows OP far better than any of us do, was asked for help and did so based on their dynamic.
I wouldn’t have handled it like he did, others are pretty adamant they wouldn’t but calling him an asshole is unfair and incredibly judgmental. As much as people want everyone to tiptoe around trauma, not everybody handles it like that. Some people can see two people clearly in love, be there for them each on numerous occasions but maybe knows something about his friend we don’t like maybe knowing if he doesn’t do what he did, how he did, was exactly what the friend needed.
I don’t know but that’s the point. No one here does either and calling the friend an asshole for successfully navigating this in OP and his gf’s best interest was no small feat.
People can say it could’ve gone wrong and it could have but it didn’t. Some can say this is not how you deal with trauma, but for them it’s what worked. It sounds like the friend did more to actually help anything than any comments here did as much as people want to pat themselves in the back. OP writing what he did he could’ve done anywhere. It was his friend’s actions in it that led to a happy ending.
I just get tired of people acting like there is only one way to deal with a trauma, like what you think should be done is the only way.
We should all be so lucky to have a friend that knows us like OP’s friend does and yes, maybe this will help facilitate a discussion between OP and his friend that will make their friendship stronger. His friend isn’t an asshole. He’s an imperfect dude trying to help his struggling friend.
And he did.
I know you didn't do this deliberately, but if you were at all affectionate with him or complemented him then it will have signalled interest.
Don’t throw out the baby with the bath water. Talk to her before making a decision. Get couple’s counseling and individual counseling. This is an emotionally fraught time for both of you, and you want to have the best information and coping skills you can to deal with what comes next.
You really just need to end it with him.
Honestly? This for me would be a dealbreaker for me, your mother sacrifices so so much for you, and she made sure you had the best childhood she could offer you despite her trauma. You sound like you grew up to be a well adjusted adult (well despite the controlling wife).
Do NOT let your wife do this to your mother, she does NOT need more trauma in her life to derail her from her lifelong recovery! This would break your poor mother, and she does not deserve that.
This is YOUR child too, YOU get a say in how it is raised and who is allowed to be around it.
You sound like a crazy person. N would have made a move, even if you didn’t, if he were interested in you. He simply wasn’t.
C took nothing from you. She can’t take someone you never had.
I don't think YOU get it. A human being isn't something that can be taken. And it's funny you are mad at HER when HE is the one who CHOSE HER. Not you.
Can you give an example interaction then we may offer a way to handle that in the future?
100% he was trying to get back with the ex
Him “not knowing you were this serious” is absolute bullshit
Are you sure your wife doesn't have sex with others, after a while she may tell you she wants to have sex with her partner?
it's better to accept that the marriage is over and put your life in order
your options are not good, somewhere your relationship will be noticed
be roommates with your wife and being seen as a cheating man (bad)
Same! It's why I wanted to ask. I wasn't sure if it was more having multiple partners (but being open and communicative, more like McDreamy's character in Made of Honour, and less like Barney Stinson). Like I know I've met “players” and stuff but whenever they've tried to pit me against other women, I've walked. (In fact, it's happened often enough that I've had a couple of them come back and apologise and say they 'pick me' and I've been like 'Too bad, so sorry'.) I've had men who have been like 'I really really really like you' then play mind games and I've been like 'Too bad, so sorry', but I can't say I've properly gotten entangled with one because I've walked too quickly.
But according to Lonewolfblack, that's kind of what it is (playing with people's emotions). While I think people should do relatively whatever they want (if they don't hurt anyone). Like you wanna be poly? Go for it. You want to have multiple, non-exclusive partners? You do you! You want monogamy? Yay! Get it! I just wish people wouldn't lie and manipulate to get it.
u/Lonewolfblack, if you read this, please know I don't mean to shame or judge you, and I hope that I have worded this in a way that does not do that. I'm super grateful to you taking the time to reply me and answer, and I do not think (at all) you were/are a bad person. I also think it's really awesome that you've evolved into a better person, and while I'm a nobody stranger on the internet, personally, I'm proud of you. Whatever your reason, you chose to be better because of it, and as we're all here on Reddit, I think we can all safely say that we've seen/read people do shitty things and have absolutely no introspection whatsoever, we can all say that it's rare that things like that actually happen.
Thank you both for responding to me, though. I really appreciate it.
First when you help, make sure you’re offering “emotional support” and “validating feelings” (easy to google) and not “accidentally invalidating” her (also easy to google) or giving her unsolicited advice, like telling her not to let things get to her.
And if she doesn’t know how to control her emotions, then she needs to learn, via therapy, meds, or both. And you need to stop enabling her and telling her it’s okay. When she loses it, ask her what she wants. Does she want space and for how long or does she want emotional support? And then give her what she asks. If she gets mad, tell her you’re simply doing what she asks, and if she doesn’t like it, to then either tell you what she does want or stop taking her frustration out on you.
The two year mark is generally when people start showing you who they really are. Pay attention.
Do you really want to be in a relationship that you have to “stick it out and push through”?
I really hope he IS willing to leave you alone but OP him trying to kiss you yet again after that conversation was another example of how he ignores boundaries and doesn't care about consent.
He didn't seem like he would do, the things he did to you so far. You wouldn't have let him into your room for that talk if you had known he would get angry and try to kiss you again.
My point is, you can NOT predict what this man will do. So you need to be careful.
Men who act out with aggression anger and blame, against other men because they identify as hetero and feel “confused” can be DANGEROUS. There is a long and nasty history of serious violence and even murder done by such men.
Please take this seriously and look out for yourself.
I am so glad you are moving out.
How would I stop putting the effort? taking vacations without the kids? moving to smaller / cheaper house where they dont have each a room? not buying christmas and birthday gifts? not taking multiple days off to drive them / attend whatever activity they were doing?
He just wanted to pull you over so that you were right beside him watching them have sex. So selfish. There is a huge amount of him feeling superior to you. Him feeling that of the two of you he was the only one important. Him feeling that he could say you were included because he pulled you over closer while he made out with her. Him feeling that his good time was all that mattered. Why should he worry about you. Shy little you would never have sex with the other man, even though it was allowed, so nothing to worry about.
This right here ^
Remindme! 2days
Children should have autonomy appropriate for their age. Not every decision needs to be made for them. It's not about being a “cool parent,” it's about not removing the child's choice for them.
Obviously in situations where it is unsafe, or if the child is too young to make a decision, the parent needs to make a decision for them. But most children over the age of 8 have an opinion on their relationships with parents and other relatives. When they become teenagers or adults, they can become very resentful for having that decision taken from them.
I do not blame her. I just wish she would try to be less involved in our relationship and push her point of view onto it. I also understand he’s an adult and if he’s easily swayed by something someone says then it’s a ?
We have gotten physical two out of three times he’s stayed over. We haven’t gone on dates yet and we haven’t discussed what we’re wanting which is why I’m kinda stuck on what to do! I definitely regret not asking what he was looking for right from the start.
This could be revealing a medical condition that is so life-threatening that he needs to see a doctor YESTERDAY. He could be a ticking time-bomb.
I was asking my wife about what kind of rings she would want 3 years after we started dating. Honestly, at this point, I think he’s just using you. Dump him, find a new man.
>>i would know that they had one on, and that would make me feel uncomfortable.
You lost me here. Your partner has offered a great solution: That they will wear it when they are not with you. You just knowing they have one on and feeling “uncomfortable” (what does that mean, by the way?) is a sign that you really need to get therapy, because you're treading into territory of controlling another's out-of-sight action with your feelings.
I think you need a legal consult. Her actions indicate she is leaving you without you knowing.
That’s fair. Any advice on how I can get over this? I really hate that I’m even feeling this way. I hate myself for it. I guess that’s part of why it’s bothering me so much
Your attitude is the problem.
This man doesn't sound eligible to be a boyfriend, and he's a bad role model to children. If your ex-husband didn't physically or verbally abuse, then returning to him might be an option to consider.