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Jerks like that always blame others for things they caused to themselves. Never taking responsibility for anything at all.
I'm no psychologist but I'm pretty sure actual narcissistic people never see anything wrong with their behaviour.
I would totally break up with him. This is just the time he was caught. Stop wasting more time on a cheater.
Okay so just walk me through this.
Let’s say your rent is $1000. 50/50 means you both pay $500. Does she write down that she contributes $500 but only pays forward $400? Or does she simply not know what the actual costs are and writes an estimation of what she’s putting in?
These bills are pretty cut and dry. It’s not like splitting groceries and meals out where sometimes a trip can be $200 and sometimes it’s $20.
If she is just saying she’s putting in her half but is coming short, that’s something you need to address with her head-on. If it’s putting a strain on you because you need to work more to cover her portion, you’ll need to get to the root of why she’s coming up short.
An easy fix would be to have a joint account where you both put in your 50/50 each month so there’s no ambiguity. She can write down all she wants at the end of the day but it doesn’t change the amount she should be contributing. Make a spreadsheet of the bills you share. There should be no ambiguity.
what. the. fuck. I don't know how someone could ever do/think all of that and be a good partner to anyone ever.
Yeah, maybe she changed a bit, figured out her issues somewhat- but that person is still there, and the potential to just lie and steal and gaslight and insult you again if she hits a rough patch.
And even if you think she's better now and remorseful- she still never apologized for any of it. She woke up today with the opportunity to come clean and didn't do it. That's not the kind of partner that any decent person deserves.
Put all your things that matter to you somewhere safe, change your bank passwords and cancel your credit card- and GTFO.
Yes, you're right. I make mistakes, maybe more than others but does that warrant them never being forgiven? The odds of the honey actually having any negative effect is like 1 in 10 billion, I've learnt my lesson I'll not make anything without looking at whether he can eat all of the ingredients.
The only thing bottom of the barrel here is that opinion.
I have ADHD, an immune disorder, and am a waitress. I don’t think you have any excuses lined up I can’t knock down with personal experience, but the ADHD one really gets me for some reason. You know what else I have? A lot more time and income since I broke up with my boyfriend for issues that are a fraction of the deranged behavior you seek justification for.
I’m sorry what? That’s the biggest lie of all!!!
Then why did you marry her?? You truly are a coward. You agreed to spend your life with someone who thinks you love her and want to spend time with her!! She thinks she’s married to a man who loves her. If this is the way you feel then divorce her and let her find someone who will actually want to spend time with her
There’s that saying: “if there’s a Nazi at the table and 10 other people sitting there talking to him, you got a table with 11 Nazis.”
If you stay with a bigot, you are also a bigot.
“Move on” from former bestie makes sense. But what about fiancé who's stonewalled her about the truth? That's an unhealthy relationship!
Fiancé sounds like a guy I used to work with who got fired but wouldn't tell his wife because he “didn't want to worry her”! He just kept pretending to go to work every day until he found another job. Real mature, right?
What else will fiancé refuse to tell OP in the future because he's “protecting her” from the truth? Decisions will be made on a need-to-know basis and he'll decide what she needs to know. What insulting and demeaning behavior!
OP: Tell fiancé you won't marry him until he treats you like a grown woman capable of handling reality and making your own choices!
That's cool. My husband and I on-line in Asia. Back when we got together I already had a trip to Laos planned. He saw all my pictures and sometimes we chatted in the evening. One time I had a hammock by a bar by the Mekong. It had shelter, so I was fine. But every time I thought about leaving, torrential rain would start. We were messaging that afternoon and I sent him lots of pictures.
He's been to Singapore without me, twice. I've only ever managed a few hours there on a layover. So if we ever go together, he knows lots of things to show me.
We don't really intend to travel solo again, but if it happens I think we'd be supportive of each other. I don't need him to tell me to watch my drinks. I'm a woman. I've been getting told that for almost my whole life!
That last comment was more revealing of your personality. You do seem to be in a juxtaposition, and I can empathize with that as I'm at a point where I have to ask myself the same question about ny partner; Is longing for a peaceful future making me compromise on my peace now? Absolutely, but this applies across all boards. I feel you and your partner have some strong connections that really trump rolling the dice on another person. I also think finding other [maybe holistic] methods of connecting may be beneficial for you and her. Perhaps meditate together once a week, stare into eachothers eyes, and have wordless conversations. This will deeply heal subconscious wounds as these are scars that no words could rectify. I think it will also remind you both of the importance of intimacy beyond sex, which may be why you're noticing so much bittersweet interactions during intimate times that aren't only sexual, such as comfort times and vacations.
I feel you've admitted your fear lies in your capacity, and you're asking yourself if this is a compromise you're willing to make forever. I feel your resistance to her depression is another layer of stress on you, and you're juggling with whether or not you can truly “accept” this fact about you two being together long-term.
In long relationships, with the fact that perfect mental health is a rare privilege, in mind, that this has challenged her character and matured her sense of being beyond many, comparably. Those with nothing to challenge themselves on their own are likely to have more established toxic cycles than those with trauma who had to learn to defeat them to some degree to survive daily living.
There's also the fact that you won't be in this position forever, and longing for a future with a more stable partner is the same as longing for a future with your partner being more stable. The “turmoil” in the situation is only being left with you.
So my honest advice? I think you're having normal emotions and fears about your commitment. I think you recognize and appreciate your compatability, but I feel you're failing to recognize that you two are already married. An average marriage in the US lasts 8 years, and in sure, it takes about 1 ½ to 2 years for someone to make up their minds about a decision like this. You are dealing with a normal feeling. I believe most people [especially men] feel around now in their long-term relationships [this is my 2nd lasting over 6 years], and especially for your age.
This is a time your brain is finishing, making fundamental changes to the way you work and handle your situations. I feel cold feet are natural but that your partner deserves your commitment as she already gave it to you, and you two have already been involved in a way where marriage wouldn't benefit you both, realistically. That means to me that you are already married, without legality, and that your honor, value, and commitment should be there.
It is a fact of life it's no one's fault if you're not on a position to want to commit but I can't say it wouldn't be the most painful thing ever to dedicate 7 years towards marriage and have to restart with someone that didn't consider my feelings or their feelings half as much as you could and have taught her to rely on.
All in all, I think she deserves your commitment but not at the sake of your happiness, and I believe your unhappiness is a resistance to your now living by your projected desire of what better may look like.
It's one of the most common human conundrums and symbolized by Ouroboros. We forget we are biting ourselves with the disconnect we make between our heads and our tail, and round and round it goes.
Truly accepting vulnerability and uncertainty is a wisdom that can make you more okay with moments that aren't “thriving” and realize it's as important as the moments that are, and find proactive ways to combat it with perhaps meditation, self reflection and intimacy, rather than to run and find a new challenge and be faced with the same dilemma but with slightly difference circumstances.
Forgive my theoretics, but: I believe you know this already in your heart and you're fearful you don't know how to be happy or at peace with where you're at, girlfriend aside, and that root realization during a very spiritually, mentally, and emotionally awakening period of your life, is soul rattling and making you question the projection of your life path.
Quarter-life crisis, some call it, but not everyone is intellectual enough to do anything with it, and I think you have the upper hand here. Tap into your deep subconscious and feel “What you know is right.” And then ask yourself why you know that's the right thing. I believe this can teach you more about your own desires enough to realize you've had the answer all along.
I don't think you'd be here asking us if you weren't ready to commit and devote yourself to her, but marriage today has turned into a formality of agreement and benefit. While there should be some degree of that taken into consideration for anyone, society is turning marriage back into what it was like during the Royal times when we married for wealth and stability.
I think you love her, and she loves you, and you've proved through your struggle that you are prepared for longevity through all walks of life. I believe your feelings are natural, and most of your turmoil lays within yourself and doesn't involve the relationship but rather is your desire that is getting in the way of your present moment peace.
I wanted to add i apologize for calling you manipulative. I use the word very literally and don't always mean it in a negative way, but I was a little taken back just due to my personal relatability. It was unprofessional of me as a mentor, and as someone who tries to heal these situations. I now have more context about your own emotions and feel less like you are using her and more that you may have just not realized you've already been devoted and committed to the degree of marriage.