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I think it's obvious you need to talk to her. Be kind but be firm: you love her, and you want to spend time with her from time to time, but she needs a social life outside of you, and you need a social life outside of her. You can't bring her everywhere you go, have her call every night and every weekend to see if she can tag along. You want to spend time with her, but you also need time for you, for your couple and for your friends too and you can't spare any of that at the moment. And she needs a life on her own too! Have her own hobbies and own friends, and you'll be more than happy to help her look for activities to do on her own if she has troubles finding how to occupy herself.
It might not be a pleasant discussion to have, but it needs to be done. You speak about wanting to spend time with her while she's still her, but there's a reason we talk about “quality time” and not “quantity time”; you're seeing her a lot at the moment, but enjoy little of it. You're not making good memories, and I don't think it's worth cramming your agenda full of her if it means that the day she'll sadly pass away, the first thing you'll feel is relief instead of loss.
Yikes. That's honestly a creepy, predatory age gap. Think long and very hot about whether you want to date someone who was definitely old enough to know better and still dated a teenager.
It might be helpful to explain to each of them, separately, some of the drawbacks: 1) they are likely to have nothing in common. What music does he like to listen to? What music does she like to listen to? What hobbies do they each have? They will share no cultural touchstones or pop culture references or life experiences. “Where were you when the towers fell?” will not have the same resonance for him as it will for her. 2) No one will accept them. Societal pressure will be strong and harsh. You will not be happy. His parents will hate her. They will be isolated and lack a support system. 3) Maturity levels. He's not even legal to DRINK. He needs to be goofy, make errors, and have fun. There will be some dumb decisions in his immediate future, but also the freedom to do things on a whim; you guys should be doing things like taking road trips, spontaneously going to sports events, even flying to spring break, getting sloppy drunk and having the occasional one night stand. Where does she fit in with this? Unless she's one of the one night stands, all she will do is be an albatross around his neck. 4) Power imbalance. She has money and life experience. Even if she doesn't mean to, she will control and manipulate him. It'd be like a 16 yo babysitter “dating” a 7 yo. You just know more and you know how to push someone young and less confident into doing what you want.
Absolutely cheating…..
That’s hilarious! I have an ex who did the same! Good luck!
Look, unless you marry somebody or you’re with somebody like yourself you’re always going to have to compromise with other people when you live! with them. These are high class problems frankly, if all the other problems in your relationship are good just deal with it and go someplace with a small petty stuff.
So….
Your boyfriend, as a general character, believes sex us meaningless
Sounds like an entitled misogynist douchebag to me
…you realise a relationship is because you have feelings for another person? This guy just hangs around you for fun.
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Gross. Desperate much?
Maybe ask to take a shower together start there?
OP… “My partner doesn't like it” isn't really a good reason to give sth up, especially a hobby that brings joy into your life. Playing games 4hrs a day and sometimes having 8hr sessions with your buddies isn't really that much out of the ordinary. Other comments contained good suggestions – maybe try communicating what you need from him during that time instead of making it an argument about gaming. Or find new activities / games you could play together.
You can't deny someone access to their children because of a medical diagnosis. You can't just 'give up your babies' lol.
I want her to understand what she did wrong.
Throw, your exGF's abusive behaviors cannot be excused — but perhaps can be explained, especially if you would speak to a psychologist in your city. They may be due to her having very weak control over her own emotions (i.e., a lack of emotional skills she had no chance to learn in childhood). My exW has that problem. If it is an issue for your exGF, you likely would be seeing 4 other red flags.
The first is a strong abandonment fear. I therefore ask whether, a few months into your relationship, she started showing strong jealousy over harmless events involving other women — or tried to isolate you away from your close friends and family members? She would view your spending time with friends/family as your choosing them over her. Moreover, she usually would hate being alone by herself.
Second, you would be seeing her rely heavily on black-white thinking, wherein she tends to categorize some people as “all good” (“with me”) or “all bad” (“against me”) and will recategorize them — in just a few seconds — from one polar extreme to the other based on a minor infraction.
Because she also uses B-W thinking in judging HERSELF, she would rarely acknowledge making a mistake or having a flaw. Doing so would imply, in her mind, she is “all bad.” She thus would blame nearly all misfortunes/mistakes on you and view herself as “The Victim.”
Further, to “validate” her victim status, she would keep a detailed mental list of every infraction/mistake you ever did (real or imagined) and would not hesitate to pull out the entire list to defend herself in the most insignificant disagreement with you. Moreover, this B-W thinking also would be evident in her frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions like “you ALWAYS…” and “you NEVER….”
Third, you generally would not see her directing her anger at casual friends, coworkers, or total strangers. She usually gets along fine with them. Rather, her outbursts and temper tantrums almost exclusively would be directed against a close loved one (e.g., against you, a sibling, or her parents).
Fourth, you were convinced that she truly loved you. But you frequently saw her flipping, on a dime, between Jekyll (loving you) and Hyde (devaluing or hating you) — often making you feel like you were walking on eggshells around her. Such flips would occur in a few seconds in response to some minor thing you say or do. A few hours or days later, she could flip back just as quickly.
Throw, were you seeing strong occurrences of all 4 of these red flags?
It isn’t your place to come up with a reason. Your wife has to want to have individual therapy, otherwise there’s no point. I’m sure your therapist said it as a suggestion not a request, because it’s unethical to try to influence someone or push them towards having therapy. Honestly focus on getting through the couples therapy because her having individual therapy alongside that could disrupt the therapeutic process of your couples therapy anyway. Complete the couples therapy and then if your wife is wants to have individual therapy then she is free to do that. It’s something she has to choose to do or not
This is one of the reasons not to do the LDR thing. You are jealous that your friend can do what you cannot. She can pop by and enjoy an impromptu hang session with your BF and his roommates.
Your BF isn't doing anything wrong. In fact, I'd say that he is doing the right thing. He needs to maintain an in person social life. When he has guests or an event to attend to, he shouldn't drop everything for a video chat.
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Yikes. PTSD and trauma responses come to mind. I’m anxious af and live! in a city like this…BUT if I was ever that close I would need to revisit my therapist, which I HATE to do. But that’s what I feel she needs and is her responses. Good on you for wanting to help her. ?
I’m basing this off you guys having a good relationship. I think it being really the first time would be really jarring and worth thinking on. The gestures were really nice, but I hope he literally talked on and apologized for the lashing out eventually.
I, PERSONALLY, don’t see this as a line crossed depending on what was said (I think bitch is always off the table). Using swear words to intensify your anger is different than attacking someone’s characteristics or insecurities. I could shrug off a loud “you fucking stupid ass dickhead asshole” more than a mild mannered “you never think. Why can’t you do anything right. How are you ever going to succeed”
As long as your communications are healthy the vast majority of the time, I think we should give each other grace for the occasional flare up. I think being able to flip the lid, knowing as a couple you can healthily recover from it, is an underrated tool. Like turning on the bumpers in a bowling when you are pretty much always getting turkeys. Not sure if I’m really explaining it that well but basically I think there is value is being able to healthily express unhealthy anger.
But I don’t want to have a baby in a house with someone who talks to me like that.
Tell him that. It will be a fucking gut bunch and it will probably be another 12 years before it happens.
Can you sleep in the other bedroom?
Tell us about you gun and tonics!
Before, you might regret the trip otherwise
What does it matter and what can you do about it now.
It was an expensive gift and she feels guilty she didn't spend the same amount as you. The red rose will equal out the present spread out between two holidays. She will probably give you something nice to make up for the less that she spent on you for Christmas so basically you are both very kind nice and beautiful people. Blessings on Blessings for a long and happy future together.
Reason?
You simply go to your immediate supervisor with the review. You explain that the review references a different individual by name in it. That it is something that needs to be remedied as the review is for your work, not this other person's.
Don't reference the actual rating. Only that the review includes the other person's name.
But, keep a copy of that review for yourself.
Once the new review is written, if the rating is the same and you feel your work was better than the review you received, you might be able to dispute the evaluation with HR citing that the initial review referenced another employee and your own work performance (ie, if there are actual measurable's such as projects completed, etc).
He’s gone into the manosphere. The “high value” man concept comes from this new wave of misogyny.
Ugh you have a bad girlfriend she managed to make this entirely about herself and how it's effecting you never mind the fact your the one who suffered and have a nude time trusting to open up to someone and this here is why you struggle to share traumas with someone because then you got someone who's toxic like her
She's immature what does she mean she can't handle this information she's the one who gave you this false idea or hope that she would be you're shoulder to cry on and instead she's shutting you down
Is this really someone who you'd want to have in your life she's not gonna he the supper system you need
You are dating since high school? She realized that she has missed out on seeing other guys and wants to try it now.
I feel like the fact you think you should tell her that you probably already know it wouldn’t be right
Thank you for your reply. You're right. I can't really make someone else set boundaries with other people on my behalf, especially since they're so close. It just sucks because she talks really loud on the phone with them and I can hear everything through the walls. And truthfully, I know I could just put ear buds in or something but there's a part of me that thinks they might be right and I should hear them. But I'm going to try to redirect my attention to more productive things from now on, including work.
Umm….. yes you did, in the first sentence of the post you made about this 5 days ago on AITA. Yes, YATA, and quit writing fake stories, don’t you have a paper to write?
“No.” Full stop. “I'm not wearing that/doing it that way.” “I like what i wear, don't police my outfits.” Full stop. Leave the room/walk away in the store if need be. He buys you shit you don't want? Return it or give it/throw it away. My husband last year started telling me I looked unprofessional/didn't like what I worse” and I just kind of ignored him/blew him off. Cue him f getting me an ugly bulky cardigan because “he thought I needed one to look nicer” and I finally popped off. Told him I like how I dress, the cardigan was something a grandma would wear and if he loved it so much he could have it. Told him never to buy clothing for me again and that for someone who wanted me to look professional he sure did go to work wearing wrinkled up, sometimes stained clothing pretty frequently and to shut his mouth unless he had something positive to say about my clothes. Since then there was ONE time he started saying something but he stopped himself when I glared at him. He married me, he knows my style, my boss is fine with my clothes, and just because he doesn't like my aesthetic doesn't mean he gets to make me feel bad.
You two were broken up so obviously she can do what she wants while you’re not together.
Having said that, why are you staying in this relationship? Feelings like the ones she had for this guy don’t just turn on and off with the flick of a switch. They are former sexual partners. He has her nudes. They’ve shared that level of intimacy. They aren’t friends man, they’re more than that. Who knows if she would ever cheat, but her saying they’re just friends isn’t true.
You say you have a mutual respect for this guy, even though a friend who respects you wouldn’t mess around with your ex. You say you know for a fact that she would never cheat, but obviously that’s not true because you can’t know something like that on a factual basis. You’re telling yourself lies in order to make yourself comfortable in the relationship, almost like you have no choice to be with her and you’re making the best of it.
I’ll tell you now man, you don’t have to be with her. You don’t have to be with a girl who constantly keeps a guy around who waits in the wings for you two to have relationship issues so he can get his rocks off to her. That’s not a good friend and she’s not respecting your relationship. Why stay?
My advice is to break up for good and find someone who treats a committed relationship the same way you would. When you’re struggling to form an emotional connection to another girl because of the feelings for your GF, and she’s out hooking up with this guy who she keeps around, that just shows you two are on different wavelengths. Find someone who appreciates your dedication and commitment, not someone who treats it casually and convenient in the moment.
There are things you can do which help, but your husband also needs to be flexible.
My husband often worked when my mother visited, and, since he left for work early, he wouldn't see her till evening. My mother and I went away a lot at weekends to visit interesting places, which also helped, and usually also took a week's holiday together somewhere during her visits. She generally visited for 4 to 8 weeks once a year, so I made a big effort to give my husband space.
In addition, my husband learned my language, so he never felt excluded from the conversation when people visited from my home country. He thought it was important that I was able to speak my language in my own home. I think it's fair that if you marry someone, you make the effort to learn their language and understand their culture, otherwise you never really understand them. You should also understand that your spouse has relatives and friends who will want to visit and find a way to make that work. You can rent an airbnb if you are short of space.
A name isn't exactly evidence. Anyone can do that.
The end goal could be anything. What do you feel? Anything alarming you can think of that could dignify the accusation?
You can overcome contempt. It’s based on miscommunication and therapy is so helpful. Just my personal experience not a clinical study, but very grateful to a great therapist and the work we put in and continue to do.
Like did yall ever hang out or talk about more friends things. No everyday chit chat with coworkers but like more things that would constitue a more than coworker relationship.
Text posts don't get karma tho I thought
And adding to this… this step sister had the audacity to stay in your home and kept on fucking your husband after you left. No shame, no respect.. absolutely appalling behaviour, I’m not sure i even believe this story, I don’t think I’ve read anything more disgusting than this on Reddit. Your husband is trash. You and your kids deserve better.
His feelings aren’t yours to manage. Im going to guess that you didn’t completely blindside him with the breakup. Where there previous issues that you tried talking about? Where you happy and he met your physical and emotional needs? Because if you ended it because he’s not hearing you or treating you well, issues don’t just fix themselves. You communicate and compromise and work together to find solutions. If you’ve talked plenty but nothing’s changed that’s on him. Tell him to work on himself so that maybe he can be a better partner in his next relationship. But you can’t stay in an unhappy relationship so someone else’s feelings aren’t hurt.
The only way to possibly make this work – and I don't advise trying, I think you should dump her after telling her support network she's talking about suicide and needs a mental health intervention, and call social services for a wellness check if she talks about killing herself imminently – is to set and hold firm boundaries. Which you describe yourself doing: what you've written here is exactly how I would have advised you to behave, so I think you can trust your judgment concerning how to act. But this is a new relationship, and you've discovered what I would advise you to consider a deal-breaker, so I think you should end things.
Three hours a week could mean a game on Tuesday and Thursday, too
Eww instead of reassuring you he made you feel worse???? Yeah no. Red flag. You can dress how you want and NO ONE should make you feel less for that.
You should have clicked the little dots and hit “details”, it would have told you when the video was created. But also.. has she had the same phone since college?
What has he said to you about your body vs other women's bodies that has made you insecure?
If 93 represents your birth year, you're way too old to be thinking like this.
Yes, this is correct. OP your ex-boyfriend (he needs to be an ex) isn’t just immature or a bad drunk. He is cruel. He and his friends intentionally and knowingly made you feel horrible, and sober him has spent days making the situation worse. Whatever good qualities he may have are far outweighed by this.
Has she had therapy? If this is a trauma response, then she’ll need professional help.
You mean might be the reason she's staying with the asshat.
No it’s been Two years and I’ve never gotten nothing that can point towards that
I watched a show that showed some couples therapy, and the man said his wife doesn't respect him. The therapist asked why she should, and he couldn't come up with an answer.
Asked my husband the same thing. You think I don't respect you, but what do you do to deserve respect? He said he scoops the litter and drives us places because I don't like driving. I basically completely emotionally disconnected from him after that. I don't know how to go back, I don't think it's possible.
I couldn't put it better myself.
He does it because he can.
Not everybody is the kind of person to take advantage of OP like that, but when you discover you are with that sort of person, that's the sort of person you are with. There is no way to change that short of getting them out of your life.
I wouldn't even bother with that. Just block her and move on.
How are you gonna help take care of kids if you can't handle the monotony of a relationship. Pretend it's the first time she's asking or something idk. She does that one thing with her hands and you do that one thing walking up the stairs. Fair trade over time.
First off, I want to say he is in the wrong here, and (from the info you have given) you seem to be growing in a healthy and mature way. To play devils advocate for a moment. Most of the time, there are responsibilities in each role. One supports financially in the home while the other supports the house, both work but one takes on the dishes the other takes on the bed making, one person is big spoon one person is little spoon, it doesn't really matter how it manifests there is some form or comfort in knowing what you bring to the relationship. When that changes, whether financially or socially, it can be scary and should be discussed. My guess is this is what changed. You became more financially independent and didn't rely on him always to be the person you want to be with all the time. This is healthy btw, but whenever the status quo changes the boat gets rocked and people have to make adjustments. Talk with him and I'm sure it will work out. If not then go talk to a therapist or counselor as they will be alot more qualified then me.
(Sorry for the grammatical errors. I am using my phone)
Does he REALLY go to his sisters?
Dude, totally buried the lead. She cheated on you twice. She is sneaking around behind your back. Look in the mirror. You are a good person but don’t respect yourself enough. Find somebody better; it won’t be that very hot.
She gave you her answer. Had you used the same language texting some other woman, she would have flipped her shit at you. She would never have accepted your assurances that this was the girl she didn’t have to worry about.
So you should feel free to interpret it similarly, and respond accordingly.
some dude stole my doormat yesterday, luckily i found you, if you looking for a spot to stay at to get stepped on just dm me
Personally I wouldn't put up with someone addicted to social media like that or who stays in contact with an ex for no real reason (that's assuming it is innocent and they've actually just remained friendly)
Secondly, she did not tell you what that guy said just to be open and honest. She wanted you, for whatever reason, to feel jealousy.
She posted it before you met. Do you really need anyone to figure this one out for you?
If she can't participate in every activity? You shouldn't plan your wedding around the limitations of one person. Should uncle Steve that lost a leg in Vietnam and is in a wheel chair now not come to cookouts where Cornhole will be played? Everyone especially the 2 of you shouldn't miss out on doing things you want to do because of one person. Realistically she shouldn't expect that either.
i mean thanks but in the title i literally said how he doesn’t want me to chose him over my friends. he literally stayed we’re not getting back together because of my friends, he doesn’t want me to lose them.
Leave!
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True I feel the same. I know I am the problem in this case. I am frustrating him without any reasons. It becomes difficult to keep my thoughts to myself. I feel like sharing things with him will help. but it doesn't. I'll look for some ways of controlling my thoughts
Yea, I’m just here from your dog post, but seriously just leave. You’ve been in this relationship for less than six months, and he’s threatening to kill your dog. Plus all the issues in this post.