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Why are you in a relationship that is so demeaning? That is not good for your health. Please dump him ASAP!
He was cheating on you for a year and a half and you forgave him. Like he most likely thinks you are stupid but please stop acting like you are stupid.
Yes.
Firstly, babysitters for 2 nights , and a maid so you don’t spend your time just cleaning up,
Then spend sometime actually relaxing, swimming, yoga or spa. Making sure she gets time to properly dress up and go to hairdressers or get make up done professionally.
Then whatever you decide to, you make a point of telling her how beautiful she is and how much you appreciate all the work she does for your family,
I think you answered your own question my guy. Communication. Have a long naked talk. It’s the only way forward (in my opinion)
He's addicted, like every addiction it's unwise in my opinion to hope they actually change. So you're ultimately better off ending the relationship and finding a partner who wants to hang out with you.
Singing telegram?
This sounds super harsh but i actually totally agree. I had a similar experience with an ex and spent like three weeks wallowing in self pity and wishing things were different but then I started to realise that I was actually starting to feel a lot happier than I had in quite some time. She'd often talked about getting back together when we had gotten some space but in pretty short order I didn't want to any longer. Taking the time to stop remembering what was and realising there was a more positive future ahead of me was really empowering, hopefully it will be for OP too.
He doesn’t care that he was insensitive any more than he cares what a healthy weight actually is. It’s not a mistake. He just wants her to lose weight so he’ll be more attracted to her, even at the possible expense of her mental health. A grown man of 28 acting this way.
You fucked around and found out.
Good for her. I hope she's smart enough not to come back to you.
You don't get her back. You use this as a life lesson and become a better person so that you don't hurt the next woman you date.
Why does anybody even bother posting these identical stories? The advice is always overwhelmingly the same in this sub: “guuuuuurl he's not working because he has a mental illness? It's time to leave him!”
That's it. I literally gave you all the advice you'll ever need if your boyfriend stops working. Maybe what you're really seeking is the validation of hundreds of redditors telling you the same piece of advice, but I promise you, you're never going to get any different advice from this subreddit.
Acceptable isn't the word I'd choose. Neither seeking out sex workers nor having an affair are options that I'd choose myself, and in general on this sub I advocate the people split up rather than stay in a miserable situation, once the possibility of reconciliation has passed. We've only got one life to on-line, why be miserable?
However, sometimes people just stay. They stay in a shitty situation for reasons that make sense to them. Maybe it's financial, maybe the kids, maybe a million things. The couple in this OP sounds like they do not like each other. They have effectively separated, on an intimate level. OP goes into very few of those details, which is interesting because that's probably the root of all of this. All we're left with is a story of betrayal by the husband, with no acknowledgment whatsoever at what led to that. I'm not defending OPs husband, but I'm not blaming him either. If these two have abandoned shared intimacy for years, then I'm not surprised that the husband is seeking it elsewhere.
So, my initial question harks back to my earlier point that if these two are not together because they bring each other joy, but instead for some other “reason”, then wouldn't OP prefer that her husband seek intimacy from someone who isn;'t going to threaten the marriage she has stayed in for this long?
And depending on where OP is, seeking out sex workers *could* be significantly safer than trying to meet strangers at a bar. There are places where workers are regularly tested and made safe. I'm not going to assume the guy is a noble “John”, but it's not written in stone that sex workers are diseased or trafficking victims.
Thank you for this- I think I do know what the answer is, and as per the religion speaking with a priest is likely the best move
Eh, age only becomes an issue after 35 usually
Made me crack up hah. Im practicly her sugar daddy
This is a scam!! This is a well known scam too. There is no minor involved. Block the scammer. However, for them to have been able to do this, some one enticed your husband to do FaceTime with them. The scam is usually a woman does this, then after they provoke the guy into flashing himself, they claim to be like 15 years ago. Then he guy gets a call from an alleged angry father threatened with blackmail. There are other variations of this but this is the main script. The worse thing you can do is give into the blackmail. That does not stop them, they just demand more and more. Tragically this is why a teen took his own life. He paid the scammer off only for the scammer to demand money he did not have. That poor child saw no way out.
This should be a reminder for men and boys, keep your clothes on no matter how enticing some pretty face with a pretty body is on-line. You don’t know ‘em, don’t show them. Reverse that kind of stuff for established girlfriends and wives. Stay safe.
Maybe he’s into someone else. Im socially awkward too that’s why I’m asking Reddit and not a friend ahaha. Maybe it’s just the fact he said he hardly uses his phone or social media because the first thing he gave me when we met was his business card with it on..
You tell her where your line of what is acceptable is and if she doesn’t like it, you break up because you’re not compatible and finding someone compatible with you is what dating is about. I don’t automatically tell people to break up, nor do I believe that women and men cannot be platonic friends. However. Lying in bed with him all day watching movies together? That is suspect. And she shouldn’t be making you feel bad that you are not okay with it.
But can it be considered “cheating”?
He texted you twice, how is that ghosting you?
It’s Monday. He’s a grown man, likely with a job. He’s texted you twice throughout the work day, cut him some slack
I wouldn't trust him after finding this out either. Give it more time before you text him again.
I am just embarassed to tell people about this in my real life as they will judge me, it's the first time I've been in love. He knows how much I care and I don't think he will ever appreciate me let alone give me a compliment. It just hurts me how he cared for his ex girlfriend who disappeared on him but he does not see the girl who's there for him. I will listen to your words, thank you for your advice.
I wouldn't beat yourself up at all for this. You have a history of your partner cheating, so that's left an impact on you. Of course seeing a text pop up from John's ex may prompt your brain to immediately jump to “oh no, he's cheating” even if you do really trust him.
The important thing is you didn't let your immediate feelings cloud your judgement. You didn't freak out right then and there or jump to accusing him of anything. You sat with your feelings to process them, even if that was uncomfortable, and let John explain the situation before you reacted. That's an extremely mature way to handle a situation like this and it sounds like it turned out totally positive.
It's natural to feel a tinge of insecurity or uncomfortableness surrounding exes. You can't control the way you feel, only the actions you take after you feel them. You should be proud of how you handled it.
Take the video down and sister needs to opologize immediately.
I'd argue the ER is a seperate matter, because it's fairly obvious that you'd do the same for her you simply haven't had the opportunity to do so. Consider a role reversal in your current scenario, if you were moving in with her, you'd pay for your share no questions asked on top of staying with her in the ER should the occasion arise. She needs to exhibit equity in all situations where partnership is concerned. Certainly there can be leeway when it comes to give and take, however what she is implying is grossly overstepping that ideal of equity. If one partner is responsible for 100% of the bills and other expenses, than the other partner must at least be responsible for 100% of the housework (cooking, cleaning, groceries). If she is not willing to offer you anything in return for taking on the financial burden that you feel is equitable, than she does not respect you to the level that you deserve.
At the end of the day, is the sex and companionship worth the financial burden she puts on you? That is something you must decide for yourself.
I can't imagine what went through his head.
Was he just not great in bed and knew it?
How dare you be eager for something that is meant to be enjoyable, fun and connecting?!
sorry for the double comment but i keep seeing replies and having more thoughts lol – totally understandable that she wants to tell u what dream u did, but to be ANGRY at real you ? not ok. it sounds like this is her way of seeking reassurance that youd never do those things irl – idk if youve told her how this makes you feel yet but if not… i think its very important to do that. at a time later in the day where you two can have a thoughtful convo, not right after she has one of these dreams and is clearly on edge. a good start might be something like “hey, i sincerely hope you know how much i love and respect you – i would never ever do that the dream version of me did. if you need reassurance of that after waking up, i get it. but its hurtful when youre angry and accusatory. i am happy to give you confirmation and reassurance that i would never do those things, but instead of yelling at me, could we try any or all of the following? 1) you could ask me to remind you how much i cherish you and our relationship, i can snuggle you and tell you i love you and that id never cheat/hurt you 2) if you do feel left over anger from the dream and need to get it out, what if we draw a picture of dream me ((insert draw the picture a poorly done stick figure w devil horns. make it silly)) then, you can tell dream me how he made you feel and why it upset you. i will back you up 100% because dream me is clearly a real dick. ((any other ideas you have))
no matter what, i do love you and want to show you thats true, but again, i feel very hurt when you yell at me for things i didnt actually do. i know its probably scary and hurtful to you when youre having such vivid dreams about me treating you so poorly, but im not doing that in real life. maybe we need to try couples therapy together so we can try and figure out why youre having these bad dreams. i dont want you to feel insecure in this relationship or in me or my love for you, but im feeling really sad that you are so angry at me for something i havent done and that neither of us can control. if none of these options sound good to you, do you have any other ideas we could try so that our mornings are less angry and tense?”
then see if she can do whatever you guys agree on. tell her if she cant, youre going to have to start getting up and going to another room in the morning until shes feeling less angry from the dream.
have you guys discussed the dreams after the initial morning anger? does she remember yelling at you? i know when i sometimes first wake up (esp from a bad dream) im not fully there. i say things i dont remember saying, have full conversations (yes i have been to sleep drs etc, im fine!!) if she doesnt remember.. is it possible she has a sleep disorder? its highly irregular to have such vivid, realistic nightmares (bc really thats what they are – nightmares, not dreams) so frequently.
i hope she is receptive to a convo and your feelings and that she finds a way to change that behavior!! it might take a little time if you guys do go the therapy route but i think its fixable!
Why are you mad she is a fwb, that means she will be fwbs with others. She is not a good option for a serious girlfriend for you. Keep having fun or find some better suited to you want of monogamy!
So what if he apologized? Is that really all you need? You need to understand that if that’s all it’ll take for him to get away with being a terrible partner, then it’ll just happen again. At that point, would you then just need an apology? If so, you have to know that he’s never going to change. Why? Because you’ve shown him there’s no consequences for his actions.
What’s worse though is that he literally doesn’t care. You confronted him and he’s just avoiding you. You’re now here trying to rationalize his behavior and feeling like you’re in the wrong. Take a step back and think about this logically; are you in the wrong?
Thanks I'm an idiot that can't read
In some cultures and families, it is normal to get married young and quickly. Maybe your girlfriend is coming from this perspective. But that doesn't really matter if it isn't what you want! It is a really, really bad idea to get married or have a baby when you aren't ready for it, regardless of your age or the length of the relationship. I think you should have a serious conversation about your incompatible expectations for the relationship's future. Tell her clearly that she is not going to have a marriage and baby in the near future with you and so she'll have to decide what is most important to her.
Focus on your own problems, in the short run. It would be too distracting to mess around in that other couple's business. Plus it might go south in ways you had not intended.
I want to get better I want to be better I want to get over them and not stuck in the past and move on so bad. I tried therapy journal reading books basically almost all the things people usually say to do to be healed
This is why so many women become completely wary and avoidant of backrubs. So many men only do it when they want sex.
I have never asked my exs (just had two before him) about the whole story behind their break-ups but if he wants to know it, I'll obviously tell him.
Yeah, that’s exactly how a predator wants you to think.
Watch where you put the used ones too!
Op, your bf is disgusting, and being a pig isn’t something he’s going to change. Don’t try to change the man. Go find a new one.
Way to waste the best years of your life waiting to have Easter & Christmas fall on the same day. Get out now before you’re waiting another decade for him to change. YOU need to change and make changes!
What IS IT with moms doing this I literally cannot understand is it some kind of gross reverse Oedipus thing or something???? I literally cannot fathom how people think to do this when it so.overwhelmingly known that it is inappropriate and frankly fucking creepy
Depends on your company. Mine provides 70% pay for 12 weeks. And I can take short term disability after up to 16 weeks.
But most companies in the US it is unpaid.
No, you aren't doing anything wrong. He needs to grow up.
Hear what she just said because she's absolutely right. You didn't pay attention to the relationship and then proceeded to hit it with a shovel.
If you don't feel like you could bring her flowers everyday for the rest of her life, even if she got back with you, then you're not in love with her.
If buying someone flowers everyday sounds like a real headache then try being with someone everyday who fights with you and says they love you.
It's like someone who killed your cat saying “I'm sorry.” It doesn't bring the cat back. What does the person want? Time alone to mourn.
You've killed the relationship. Give her time to mourn. It's her choice to forgive you. Leave her alone.
Honestly, can’t trust that. There are so many people who say that and don’t actually mean it. She’s going to keep her distance for a while, it’s nothing personal man.