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I think he's cheating
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I understand where you’re coming from. You asked the question early on to figure out where you stood and you thought you knew the truth. Then you found out you didn’t. Even if you know deep down that your partner had no mal intentions, it still feels unnerving.
I had a somewhat similar thing with my current partner. He has an extensive friendship group that he’s known since high school (and earlier for some) and early in the relationship I had asked if he had done anything with any of the girls in the group. At the time he said no. I later found out from somebody else that he had made out with a couple of the girls at parties a number of years back. At the time that discovery felt pretty disturbing because from where I stood it seemed like he had lied to me. Furthermore, I had to find out from someone else, which made me feel embarrassed and reinforced this pre-existing sense I had of being on the outside of the group. As it turns out, he interpreted my question as meaning had he dated or had sex with anyone in the group, which he hadn’t, whereas I interpreted my question more broadly. I think what helped me to move through this experience was firstly that my partner was incredibly understanding when I brought it up from him. Whilst he explained why he hadn’t said anything, he also completely acknowledged why it would seem suss from my perspective and why it would hurt to find out the way I did. It also helped that I had seen enough of his interactions with these women to know there was no residual sexual tension. But it still really sucked and if I’m honest, thinking about it now still sucks a little bit. Whilst we can generally accept it, most people don’t like to think too much about our partner’s romantic / sexual history, and it’s a lot harder to avoid those thoughts when some of that past is still hanging around. You’re not a bad person for struggling with that.
You need to learn how to make space for the emotions without buying into the story that your partner was deliberately deceiving you or that he’s going to cheat on you with her. It’s totally fine to feel upset, sad, even angry that you found out this way, but you don’t have to keep fuelling the emotions with rumination. For example: “It’s okay to feel hurt by this AND it doesn’t mean that my fiancé is untrustworthy”. Telling yourself to just get over it or that it shouldn’t bother you won’t be helpful, because you can’t choose how to feel about it, and criticising the feelings is more likely to make you dig your heels in and reinforce them than it is to change them. I also wouldn’t recommend cutting Elle off over this. Take the fact that he offered to do that as a sign of trustworthiness and good will, but do not take him up on it. It’s likely to lead to resentment down the road and whilst it may feel awkward right now, if you give it some time it will get better. Happy to chat further if you want x
The angery outbursts and contempt in her reactions and words are a boundary no one should allow anyone to cross. Seriously. Contempt represents one of Gottman's “Four Horsemen of in Marriage.” The research is interesting. Check it out.
A person who doesn’t kiss you after four years of dating HAS to be called out as a RED FLAG!
“Her body her choice” but this is rare even in the most conservative cultures. This needs to be talked out between this couple before marriage is expected to reverse the incompatibility.
Ask stupid questions…be a stupid person.
She's being ridiculous, but you should have informed her before offering. Common courtesy.
Nope, nothing wrong with your relationship if you’re both happy. Everyone is different. I frequently see people in this sub upset because they are incompatible with their partner because they want more frequent communication when apart, but if you’re both happy, there is no issue.
This makes sense. Thank you!
He is an idiot, so it's good he feels that way.
You did nothing wrong here.
And this will ALWAYS be a huge issue between the two of you. Someone that doesn't care or isn't bothered by not getting a good night's sleep and you, who struggles to sleep.
Seems silly to me to drink large amounts of anything before bed. Why force yourself to get up every night?
You two don't have a future.
It's not because he flirted with Lucy. Different couples have different levels of what is and is not an OK flirt level with others. Your problem is – you two never talked about it and have no understanding of your own boundaries. He's as shocked by your reaction as you are by his action. Let's keep in mind that he's outright telling her he has a GF and treats her well. You write it up like it's a bad thing, when it's not.
No. Your relationship is doomed because you don't trust him.
He gave you his phone to look at pictures. You had some nagging intuitive feeling to dig into his private conversations – AGAIN – and do you know what that nagging feeling really is? It's your lack of trust for him. Weather you found something or not is irrelevant, your action was based on you thinking that he is a liar and your need to prove it.
You looking at his private info is you calling him a liar. You are outright calling him a cheat no matter what is on his phone.
Guess how healthy that is for a relationship. Correct. Not at all. Nobody likes being called a liar. Nobody likes to be called a cheater and eventually that just turns into resentment.
Now that you have found something you think is damning – no matter what he says or does – you will never stop invading his privacy. You will never stop doubting him. You will never stop calling him a liar.
Yup, he was flirting, yup he talks to her in a different way than he talks to you. Yup you two should have discussed what is and is not acceptable flirting way before this… but the damage is done, and you didn't trust him before this according to your own words.
So then you can flirt with meN or woman
If you don’t break up, you’ll end up resenting her. It’ll hurt of course, but I think the right thing to do is break up. The fact that you have an awareness of wanting this, and your love for her isn’t clouding that, is probably a sign that you really want to have these experiences. And you should if that’s what you want! You’re young, you should be able to be young and try all the things and have all the sex. Because on the other hand, if you don’t get to have these experiences, you’ll always wonder and maybe regret it. Causing further resentment.