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Uh no he’s not. He’s answering her calls, he’s going outside to talk to her. He’s teaching her that all the shit she does works because in the end he always talks to her. None of this is him actually setting boundaries.
Bruh. Clorox wipes may contain bleach, depending on the variety you're using. When you apply bleach to skin, saponification occurs, in which your skin's fat and top-most layer dissolve off. It will probably also make your skin taste/smell bad.
First of all, I am sorry that you and your girlfriend are going through this difficult situation. It sounds like a very traumatic experience for her, and it is understandable that you are feeling confused and upset about the situation.
It is important to remember that regardless of what happened, your girlfriend was not in a state to give consent, and that is not acceptable. It is possible that she was drugged, or that she simply drank too much and was taken advantage of. Either way, she was not able to give consent, and that is a violation of her autonomy.
It is also important to note that victims of sexual assault often struggle with feelings of shame, guilt, and fear after the event. Your girlfriend may be feeling all of these things, which could explain why she initially lied about what happened. It is not uncommon for victims to blame themselves or feel like they did something wrong, even when they didn't.
It is important to approach this situation with empathy and support for your girlfriend. Encourage her to seek counseling or therapy to help her process the trauma and to provide her with a safe space to talk about her feelings. You may also want to consider couples therapy to help you both work through your feelings and to improve your communication and trust.
It is important to remember that sexual assault is never the victim's fault, and it is important to believe and support your girlfriend through this difficult time. However, it is also important to take care of yourself and your own emotions. It may be helpful to seek support from a therapist or a support group for partners of sexual assault victims.
Yeah I think she is just backtracking and wishing she hadn’t said what she did.
The dynamic of your job sounds very different from the flexibility of his job so he may not consider days off as important because he regularly gets them.
Reading your story I thought you stated you were on birth control for what its worth. “i explained to him that i switched birth controls”
The thing is, based on this post you are going to meet an attractive guy who turns you on and is compatible and you're going to leave him anyway. You're looking for confirmation from Reddit of what you already know.
I get that's a sucky situation, but a man in his 30s who can't express himself or talk about how he's feeling and would rather ghost his girlfriend is a shitty partner. It should be over. Find a grown up.
I don't think this is victim blaming, I think this is “there are assholes out there, here is a way to lessen the odds of being caught in their schemes”. We do it for everything else – internet scams, robbery – but people get so upset when we do it for women specificaly for SA. It sure sucks we as women need to be extra aware of everything, but I'm all for giving us tools and a fighting chance.
Dude has a point: don't talk around the topic, don't let people wonder about what you mean and don't assume other people “get” what you mean. Go straight to the point and tell them exactly what you mean. It helps to assume people are a bit ignorant, because they often are.
Not too young, your generation is actually intelligent enough and well informed enough to know what’s coming. Why waste years of your life with someone that is incompatible? There is no compromise with children and if you stay and she gets pregnant?
Hopefully you get your ass beat
Sorry I forgot it's better to write below a sixth grade level for folks such as yourself. Let me try again.
PEOPLE GROWING UP. RACISM VERY HOT. MUST TALK OUT, NOT ARGUE.
That’s true. I feel like I need to start expressing my thoughts more to her.
The best advice is twofold:
(1) You can be supportive of genuine attempts to better himself, but you can’t “fix” this and would be unwise to become a shrew about it. Which leads to this:
(2) See your situation more clearly. This is NOT a case where you have a good boyfriend with incidental flaws. This is a case where your boyfriend is functionally flawed until he chooses to grow up and fix it.
The right form of the question is not, “Does my boyfriend self-sabotage?” It isn’t even “How can I help him not self-sabotage?”
The right form of the question is, “Do I choose to be in a relationship with someone who self-sabotages?”
Because that isn’t going away until he decides to change, and nothing you can do will make that happen, except maybe leaving him and looking for somebody who actually strengthens your chance of achieving your life-goals.
I think a lot of this quite frankly ends up on her and what she wants to do. She obviously deserves empathy for her depression and needing treatment. With that said, if its killed her sex drive and you've talked about it and she needs to make an appointment to ask about this, the best you can do is ask if there's anything you can do to help her make and go to that appointment, at some point if she keeps avoiding it you have to conclude it's not a priority for her.
Apparently, my libido is causing her a sort of performance anxiety that's paradoxically worsened the issue.
So this is concerning. From the sounds of things, you are being patient and allowing her time to work on her treatment. To sort of turn this into a 'the problem is you' moment starts to feel more like excuse making and quite frankly manipulative.
Again, there's no shame in taking the medication and its a given that changes to hormones can affect lots of things. With that said, if you two aren't in agreement on where you want to get to with this it's a big problem. Either she wants a healthy physical relationship with you or she doesn't. Again, no issue if she's not there at the moment, the treatment affects are real, but she has to want to get herself back to that place. If she feels the treatment is more important than eventually returning to a physical relationship then I think again, it's clear fixing this isn't a priority for her.
If it isn't a priority for her I think you have a lot of tough questions to ask yourself. I assume she expects you to be monogamous with her, but what is monogamous if she isn't interested in sex?
Typically in marriage there's two vows, 'To Forsake all others' and 'To Have and to hold'. The first is committing to fidelity, the second is committing to be sexual. Refusing to have sex is just as much of a deal breaker as having an affair and the point is, the two work hand in hand. Asking for one without providing the other is an empty ask.
Again patience, understanding, realizing that you can't always get what you want and you want to support someone through tough times are all important traits but at some point you just have to ask are my needs even a priority here.
Am i going to hell for retaliation?
Leave her alone, dude. She doesn’t need a list in her life. And maybe you should spend your birthday alone thinking about why you’re alone.
uhhh are you sure he isn’t switching the roles of abuser and victim? look up DARVO
You’re right her parents should have been supportive and happy for her but that wasn’t the reality and shouldn’t have been a surprise to her given her parents religious leanings. I wish every parent could be supportive of their children’s sexual orientation but life just isn’t that way.
The main point that the OP needs to find out is what now? Will her husband back up his sister and will the parents soften their stance? They can’t change what happened, the focus needs to be, is it fixable?
Why is that weird? He spent months getting to know both of them. Over that span of time it probably became clear to him that OP didn’t like him that way, but also that the friend did.
go to pdfdrive.com and download “the gift of fear” by Gavin de Becker. use it to Visage getting set from this guy without edging his behavior further.
I didnt end it for the rest of the players. I said i’m gonna leave so they decided to pack it up. There were only 2 players left
If i understood well, people host scholarship kids for money. Are you so broke you need to rent a room to a complete stranger? Or is she doing it out of her good heart?
I am serious, how did she justify it to her status obsessed “friends”?
Sometimes a huge fight is necessary.
She's just angry at the idea of being shown up as a ' pick me!'
At some stage, they will all find out he's his son. The longer her lies go on, the harder it will be for her to fess up.
She's the one who has made herself look ridiculous in the first place.
Is she expecting her husband to lie about this too, to back her up?
So she is breaking up your marriage because of religious issues, even if she consciously moved away from it. You're tainted and her grooming took over.
The only reason she says she'll fly back is because she can't actually move if you don't agree to it. Are you that willing to only see your kids for some vacations and holidays? Because that's what will happen in the end.
You'll probably get better advice on the childfree subreddits.
Why would you throw away your family to do this? You should have just hung up on this woman and blocked the number. Her irresponsibility and mental health issues are not your issues. This child is as relevant to you as anyone walking down the road. There’s no law that you have to be involved and this loss your entire life for a child you didn’t know existed for 13 years and doesn’t know you.
Yeah the idea that child-free people are selfish is completely illogical to me. Parents choosing to have a kid is, by default, 100% selfish because it has to be. The kid can't decide to be born. The parents are absolutely doing it for themselves. Because their genes are just so goddamn special, they MUST pass them on. We have billions of people. We could really use some thinning of the herd right now but people won't quit making more mini-mes for themselves. That's what's selfish.
She absolutely does not want what’s best for your kids. I’m a middle aged woman and work with kids and have also been through divorce and shared custody. What she’s doing is wrong for the kids and selfish. Get your own lawyer asap!!!
Sadly, it sounds as though you walked out of one bad relationship and into another. It's easily done, you were vulnerable and he took advantage of that. Get yourself away from him, make sure he has no access to your money and enjoy your writing course. I wish you the best.
Has your partner ever wanted to meet your close friends? For me, it’s not like I want to get involved in her relationships but I at least want to be introduced to them , especially the close ones, just like a introduction to family members. Im happy that she had new close friends. I was just caught off guard of how much she did not want me to meet them that it even got her distressed when I asked.
This is it. I’ve had friends pull this kind of shit before and it’s an immediate boundary and block from me. Who in the world puts up with that?
Right? Like how DARE she say that about the bride, to the GROOM ON THEIR WEDDING NIGHT.
Like ma’am, keep your thoughts to yourself. Nobody asked.
You’re 38 and you think communication is girly and weak? You need to elevate yourself and get into therapy, there are so many issues with hat you just wrote. If this is something that you think if legitimate, I don’t know how you’ve made it this far. I would have clocked you at 15 for this thought process.
I just read a list of reasons supporting your breaking up with him. After all that, why would you stay with him?
Wait so your wife had difficulties with second baby and your response to her was she either have people around her that are extremely rude (and when she provides undeniable proof about it you don’t even confront them directly you pussy out and get your brother to do the leg world) or she just sucks it up…alone?
Your wife is right, you are at fault
Bro you need to leave this one. She isn’t the girl for you.
I’ve seen lots of this where they don’t bother the lone half sibling because they were told they weren’t interested or their family didn’t want it etc.
I say go for it. Worst case scenario they aren’t interested best case you make new family.
My family has sadly grown dramatically realizing everyone messed around and we keep meeting new parts of the family with the DNA stuff hah
Thus isn’t even something to stress about. You should cancel without a second thought. You need to take care of yourself and your child.
Not expecting him to, I just don't want him to get the pleasure of me not giving facts, because to brains like that, that means “I won”
Honestly, it sounds like your wife was looking for an out and once she had it she took it. Lawyer up.
The comments here are wild, sheesh… 99.99repeating% givin your OP and comments your GF was SA, probably drugged (the body handles approx. 1 drink an hour so 5 shots 5 hours she was probs sober and then 1 drink does her?)
“ I’m never doing that again “I call and she answers. (She doesn’t know I went to her friends apartment) she immediately try’s to play it off like she feel asleep in her friends room but I call her out on her bs.
THIS, her “lying” at this point is for her own F'ing safety, she tried to keep the simple in case her ASSUALTER was listening, then you go and flip bricks on her so #1 I understand her being hesitant to tell you considering her head was probably running 1000 miles a minute and you were reacting harshly to her over the phone while she was possibly still in danger… Also, why do you care if she asked him for directions? She doesn't know where she is or how to get home and her best bet is to act as though nothing is wrong while this guy just woke up. Either A) ask the guy who knows where her “friend's” apartment is (directions in T-minus 10 seconds), or google it (directions in T-minus 1 minute assuming she had internet/service/phone didn't dye after your call or she wants to conserve it's battery, etc.)
PLEASE listen to the commenters calling this as it is, SA, and not the rest calling this cheating. You're gf went through a traumatic thing. She's also having issues with making friends and now has learned a harsh truth that the first people she made friends with can't be trusted, thus making it even more difficult for her to make other friends.
My advice to you is you need to get past all the “lying” and other things that your gf did “wrong”. Per your OP she did nothing wrong. She's an adult and can do what she wants, she can go out with friends on a Wednesday night, drinking/bar hopping possibly means not coming home early/crashing on a friends couch which is her decision to make. YOUR behavior is the red flag in my opinion, acting as though her decision to go out was a bad idea, tracking her location and going to her friend's apartment all pissed off… If the night hadn't taken the traumatic turn that it did and she was just crashing at her “friend's” place then you'd be seen as an over controlling AH, and all the commenters her saying she cheated would be calling you out, lmao. You're behavior is not justified by what happened. NONE OF THIS IS YOUR GF'S FAULT, if you can't accept that and the actions she took then you're best to break up with her for her sake.
LMAO she's for the streets. Her body is a tourist attraction, you did the right thing. Another man might be more successful, but if she's a failure, why would he want her? I bet she never thought about that one.
Go live! your life OP
Your husband is an insecure clown. You were all obviously drunk. You chased a friend for gifts. You had no idea that friend had fucked an ex.. and even I'd you did… your husband chose to keep him around.
His ego got hurt bc friends pointed it out, and now he can't get his head out his ass.
He also disrespected you on your wedding night by leaving with no word said.
A person with common sense knows you did nothing wrong. This won't get better. Get an attorney to see if you can annul the marriage. If not, divorce him.
He's not your boyfriend any more. He's your ex. He's ghosted you. Time to move on.
They can act like friends for years because wanting to be friends and wanting to have sex with you are not mutually exclusive. They can do one or the other or both.
Also, see that mountain over there? They want to climb it. They can climb a bunch of other mountains, and maybe never climb that mountain, but they still want to, and the mountain will always be there, for them to try.
Either way, not good people, and not worthy of being friends.
You should have told him 7 years ago.
He has every right to know and decide if he wants to settle down with a former prostitute. It's downright shady that you've kept it from him.
This happened in my family, my brothers mom finally going to jail caused them to call my dad
financial stability and the hustle mindset are two separate ideas though. It's absolutely commendable to work on financial stability, but the hustle mindset specifically preaches a dangerous level of overwork that could burn you out, not to mention subtly pushes you to judge anyone who isn't part of the hustle grind and remove them from your life. There's a reason it's breeding ground for so many scammers and grifters
Break up
I mean come on, this all would be solved if she just doesn't move away? lol. It's easier for everyone if she stays. her kids don't have to have their life completely changed anymore then it will already be (if she divorces him). OP may not work from home, and can't move. He can be closer to this new kid he has in his life if he stays, and continue to be close to his 4 kids with his wife if she doesn't move. He also mentioned his is disabled, he may not be able to travel to see his son that often.
He already had it done and it came positive. Did we read the same post?
It sounds like you and your partner are caught in a toxic cycle of hurtful behavior and reactions. It's understandable that you feel demotivated to initiate intimacy with your partner when you feel insulted and unappreciated, and it's also understandable that your partner feels hurt and unwanted when you don't initiate intimacy.
However, it's not healthy for either of you to engage in this kind of behavior towards each other. Insulting each other only reinforces negative feelings and makes it harder to connect with each other on a deeper level.
It's good that you recognize that this is a cycle that you both have contributed to, and that you want to work on it together. It's important to approach this as a team effort and not place all the responsibility on one person to fix everything.
One possible solution could be to have a conversation with your partner about establishing boundaries around communication. This could involve agreeing to avoid using hurtful language towards each other, and instead, finding ways to express your needs and feelings without attacking the other person.
It may also be helpful to explore the underlying issues that are causing this cycle to continue. This could involve working with a therapist to identify and address any unresolved resentment or issues with intimacy.
Ultimately, it's up to both of you to decide if you want to work through these issues together or if it's time to move on. But it's important to approach the situation with empathy and understanding for each other's feelings and to work towards a resolution that feels fair and mutually beneficial.
Yes, I am seeing that now, its something I failed to consider. Like I said, to me a house isn’t a big deal, but to her the act of not being included is what hurt, not the house itself. And I didnt recognize that. I see what youre saying it may look like from her perspective, which really sucks because everything I have done was for her and for us. To your point about 7 years. 4 of those were in college. Both her and I like to be responsible, and we were not in a financial nor mental state of mind. The following 3 years have been us working and her working on her masters, which I have seen what it has done to her stress wise. I failed to consult her. But my plans were to ask her to marry me at one point this year and do it without her having to worry about anything else. Us both being in a good financial and mental situation. I have too many friends getting married living with their parents (which no issue with that) but with no where to live! and freaking out about that. I didnt want that for us.
Right back atcha girl.
Have you discussed you dating history/sex history with him? Have you kind of lied by omissions? Has this other guy threatened blackmail?
This is a recipe for disaster if anyone except you tells him.
Find a non-stressful weekend at home, sit him down and talk.
Start it off with you made a mistake before you met, and you don't want it to harm your relationship since you care about him. Then talk in vague terms like your post, he doesn't need more detail of he doesn't ask. Explain you were scared and don't want to be blackmailed. Hopefully he'll be supportive.
Comments – ex is a drug addict and it would be full custody of a severely traumatised 13yo 🙁
I would contact the other guy as well.
And your wife knows all of this, right? I can’t think of anything else that would get her to suddenly file for divorce. You did nothing wrong and didn’t lie nor hide anything. I’m so sorry you had to miss his childhood, that they didn’t contact you sooner, and basically everything that’s going on. I hope others have other suggestions. Why does your wife want to move the kids far away? Is she upset? Does she realize what this will do to the kids?
Nope. Not sticking around to take on the additional labor of caring for his kid isn’t the opposite of strong. Her holding firm on her choice is strong.
you might wanna check on her businesses, establishment, license & go live! to see if any bad remark/repo etc. you can also go to the police station & enquire about her as it could be an undercover sex worker thing.
use all this as proof to tell him to stop.
I have a feeling he is being used/abuse for sex & money.
Then dump him.
You did nothing wrong. I’d argue you’d kill the relationship slowly by just letting her continue to take out her anger on you. Good for you to be able to speak up like that, and good for her to recognize she needs that help. Not cool that she is stonewalling you, and it might be a sign that she’s not mature enough for you. If she’s still ignoring you in the upcoming days, I would advise moving on. There are so many worse problems that happen once a marriage and kids enter the picture — do you really want to be dealing with someone who can’t take criticism or who shuts down at every conflict? You’ll be perpetually exhausted.
Ah, I didn’t see that info. That’s a bummer in terms of how that might impact his ability to have custody.
Leave, she doesn't respect you When you voiced your concerns about how close she still was to your ex she called you shitty, she routinely ignores you, she by her own admission is still in contact with him, and the cherry on top when you told her point blank she needs to stop talking to him or you'll leave she told you she will and doesn't care.
She sees you as a doormat, and either she thinks you won't actually do anything or she legitimately is unconcerned with your relationship. The only thing you're doing wrong right now is staying with someone who has no respect for you. My guess is that you have self esteem issues and low self respect, the kinds of narcissistic women you've attracted probably picked up on that and I'm spitballing that this relationship hasn't been all sunshine and rainbows before this point. But in those moments I'm guessing that, like now, you looked to blame yourself rather than seeing her shitty behavior for what it is. Introspection is important but it needs to be of a sound mind that factors your needs.
if you want better quality relationships you need to respect yourself and not put up with behavior like this. Leave her and work on yourself for a bit. You deserve better than this dude.
You marriage had silent issues if your wife’s using this as an out. Any sane rational person wouldn’t hold this against their partner. Something sounds fishy. Prevent her from leaving with your children – it is one of the first things you need to make sure happens and you need a good lawyer for custody bc I don’t see this going as fairy tale perfect as you think
I would even suggest FaceTime. She would see your face, hear your voice, and learn some of your mannerisms.
Also look into FMLA or paternity leave, from your job to help with the transition.
Good luck!
Yes she took a while to answer me when I did ask, that’s why I said I should try it so she knows how I feel but I wouldn’t I don’t like playing games… but I feel that’s the only way she would get my point in all this
Technically they are roommates and partners.
Nope i don’t buy it
We were dating for 3 months. We been official for 3 weeks
Lol it’s so funny that I might have to drive my child a far distance so I can go away for 12 days
If you can’t treat people with respect while drunk, you shouldn’t get drunk. That goes for both of you. Which do you value more: being drunk, or your relationship?
Go get tested
Maybe not to be raped? Is that so high an expectation?
They say “not all men” and then literally say women should expect to get raped.
Come on.
Copying a file alters the file attributes. Copying a file does not alter the contents of the file, which in the case of mp4, mov, wmv, qt includes video meta data encoded by the recording platform. This would include information such as the location where it was recorded, the name of the software used to record the video, the recording date, software version, camera id, etc.
You are talking about file properties. I am talking about video attributes.
It's possible to re-encode a video using video software to alter and update the video attributes, however copying a file either manually or using cloud software will not alter the contents of the file, in fact altering the contents of the file would defeat the purpose of copying it or backing it up.
So again, it's clear you don't know what we are talking about. You think we are talking about the file attributes.
Ok. Nerd.
Hilarious that the dealbreaker is hinging on if she cheated on not. Can’t imagine being with a woman who has had a sex tape of her in gangbang, raise your standards dude.
So leave.
If you have to close your eyes and pretend you're fucking someone else and she's fine with the way she is, there's no saving this.
This is not how addiction works. There is no reason you need a normal relationship with alcohol. It’s a drug.
nothing like that. we mostly texted and only hung out in person a few times. very casual. she didn't give me a reason. i gave her a small bday gift and then she said “let's just stay professional” and i assumed that meant being friendly coworkers again. im mostly confused not mad at her so i didn't react angrily. just said okay no very hot feelings.
Holy shit he sounds awful. You deserve much much better, you are so young. Leave this looser. DO NOT MARRY HIM.
It's a tough one and I don't know if I have advice for you. On one hand, I think spouses who are cheated on should know and you'll probably feel better if you did say something. On the other hand, it could spark a war with your soon-to-be x. Maybe after the divorce you can say something, but you want to keep it peaceful and what you want close to your chest. The possibility exists that she will be more ruthless if there is total animosity between the two of you. Would be something I would talk to a lawyer about, and with the people you trust most in your life
Wow what a winner. He sounds like a loser from every aspect at best.
Anything is possible, but it's not common.
I would talk to the lawyer about that before you make any decisions.
This isn’t real lol, why do people write this shit
Idek why I’m asking Reddit I’m going to take this woman with me because I don’t have the balls tbh
Oh my god , this bitch clearly doesn’t have a license and is super unprofessional by yknow fucking one of her clients and continuing to have a job let alone see him, the only reason why she wants the open relationship is a selfish one and that’s to screw your husband
Couples therapy doesn't treat serious mental illness
Al-Anon is something to check out… Lots of us care deeply about someone with an alcohol problem and many have benefited from learning tools like compassionate disengagement – which it sounds like you may be attempting. Why do you think it's a bad idea? The anxiety of not knowing has filled the void left by the agony of knowing? If you don't want to enable their addiction, this is a good time to look into your role in the relationship. Good luck
I tell why she did. She's a LOW-LIFE DISHONORABLY CHEATING ASS HOE . That's not difficult to figure out, but you are lying here are too DAMN WEAK to dump that HOE .
Info: Do you maybe not get along with someone in the wedding party? Like the bride or groomsman/bridesmaids? Are you not in the wedding party at all?
Even if it is more to the story, she drove to him after working 24hrs. Dudes the ah in this situation
Not at all
35? Yeah probably
25? Nah
Half your age + 7 is the absolute minimum and you’re fine there ?
if you think being obese is healthier than being not obese, you can keep on living in that illusion.
i work in STEM with actual work published in a scientific journal. i know all too well the different. you clearly do not. you clearly want to hear what you want to hear from your echo chamber that being fat is fine when anyone with a common sense know that that is untrue.
My family recently moved to another country and I’ve isolated myself pretty badly because of the mental issues so basically don’t have any friends left. I’m scared of feeling that alone.
I think it is important for you to think about your support network and who these people might be. You may or may not lose shared friends, but it is very important for you to take a proactive approach to socializing and staying in touch with people so that you do not end up isolated (which can generate or compound all kinds of problems). Speak with your GP about what you're going through and planning to do, and see if you can ask some of your coworkers out for drinks or enquire if there's any social work events going on in the upcoming calendar.
It does sound like a lot of your life revolves around your wife, children and a small minority of relatives (who they themselevs are in little position to offer much) a lot. Do you have any hobbies or particular interested that you actively engage in? Do you live! in a city or smaller community; are there any groups, clubs or classes that you could potentially sign up to?
Regardless of whether you choose to stay with your wife or not, you need a better balance to life than the one you currently have. The battle with codependency issues will also improve significantly if you develop your life more beyond the current dynamic of Work X Family.
You have the worst decision making skills ever dude. She’s almost thirty and is beating your ass. Hope you learn from this.
Sooo, he's the one who cheated on you and then you had to report your every move to him? He made you sleep on the floor?
You are absolutely being manipulated…he's a controlling dick with jealousy stemming from HIS OWN actions. Sprinkled with some narcissism on top.
I would SAFELY dump him.
There’s no room for a child when you live! paycheck to paycheck and one partner is trying to strongarm you into something you don’t want to do.
That’d be a ‘if you think leaving is the better option then best of luck’ situation. Guaranteed you hear from her months/years down the line. It’s usually ‘I didn’t value what we had’ or they simply have a complete dumpster fire situation where you’re elated to not be involved in that.
Happens every time.
This sounds like a giant red flag. This is controlling behavior and it only escalates from here, which is isolating you from your family. I don’t condone their racist ideologies, but that’s irrelevant to the fact that he’s probably done something for them to not like him. Threatening to break up with you if you don’t do what they want is incredibly manipulative and I’m willing to bet he has threatened this over other things. He’s not going to break up with you. He’s going to likely treat you really shitty while you’re there ruining your trip and then worse when you get back. You’re still so young and chances of this person being in your life for the long term is slim to none, especially if he’s treating you like this.
I was in a situation like this when I was younger. It starts like this and quickly becomes abusive in one or more ways. I wish I had someone to turn to but he isolated me from my family and friends so I couldn’t. He also threatened to break up with me over every little thing. I know you’re probably not going to listen to any of us but you desperately need to get the fuck away from him as fast as possible. Deep down inside you know that too because things are far worse than you’re letting on . There’s plenty of people out there who are going to love you and the fact that you’re close with your family. A loving partner mature enough for a relationship would encourage you to go and spend time with them. Their own insecurities are something they need to work on and probably shouldn’t be in a relationship if they’re going to use that excuse for this controlling and abusive behavior.
This man doesn't really seem like he views you as a friend. The only other explanation i have is that you're constantly using him as a therapist, and dumping all your problems on him.
Have you two not talked about timeline? This reads like she's given a firm timeline, and you've given back soft goals to reach, and no actual timeline.
I guess my point with this is that you two should have discussed this early days and when you knew you didn't align, should have gone your seperate ways. You're both at fault for holding onto something where the other person's plans wouldn't work for you, but you absolutely should have been more concrete in your timelines than what you were, on top of that.
Regardless, this needs to end. You two don't align on core life goals. It's pretty cut and dry, forcing her to stay would be manipulative, but caving and changing your timeline wouldn't be right for you. You two need to find people who better align with what you want in life. And next relationship, talk about this properly, early.
Why can’t i see any comments? I can just see the numbers
So this new friend gives you some bad vibes? why not just hangout with them first? As i read it, he's a bit lonely, overcompensates by staying out all night (not a good thing, but it can happen) and now met some more people who have similar interests. I understand you feeling off, in regard to the female friend, but him meeting a guy he wants to make music with shopuld be fun. Someone else who is also in his profession means they can talk about things normal humans find boring.
To me this sounds he tries to expand his social circle.
If i were You, i would just ask to tag along the next time they meet. Go in openminded, Get to know these people a bit. Your partner considers them friends, he also likes you, so chances are pretty ok you could like them as well. This might help with your feelings toward his female friend, and at the very least you will now have a face to go with the stories.
In certain cultures dancing with ppl is a thing you know. Doesn't mean you want to be involved with them. Dancing is form of expression. And the whole friend thing kissing her cheek? Platonic love can exist lol
Just move your arm so she can't lie on it… it's the only way.
Do you know how loony that is?! Does she want you to get a Time Machine and go back and un-f*ck someone so she can be the first? She sounds like she’s 12.
Don't salvage this. Salvage yourself. And your car (report it stolen). But moreover, no. Under no circumstances. Do not salvage. Take a relationship break. No salvaging. Ever. Cut all contact. Change the locks. Pack up the stuff that is hers and leave outside. Break the lease if you have to. Do other things with your time. Under no conditions ever, ever, do you salvage this.
Sounds like you need to man up, start practicing your British accent, buy a wand, a robe, and blonde wig.
I had this bf who was always duper late like 90min sometimes after changing 2 times the hour of our date. When I began to come late (45minutes, 2 times) after having too much work and personnal stuff going on. He began to passive-aggressively remind me of my lateness.
This is the answer. Seems like he caught a little neighborhood crush and the bus stop has been their “date” spot. Now she’s avoiding him.
You don’t have to hang out with this person, simple as that. Tell your gf that you respect her choice In friends, but this particular person would not be your own choice, and she makes you uncomfortable, so from now on you will be doing your own thing when she has plans with this friend.
Be thankful she gave u some constructive feedback
There is nothing to salvage. You’re dating a predator and abuser. She just did you a HUGE favor by starting the breakup process…now it’s your turn to (first her your car back, and then) finish it.
Sure. It sounds like, after coming to a series of mutual decisions, she’s hell bent on doing something you don’t want. You can try couples counseling if you wish, but ultimately it sounds like your wishes are incompatible. I’m not sure there’s any way around that.
Every experience is going to be different.
My experience? My college boyfriend then fiancé was in ROTC. After graduation we moved first to Italy, then to TX for training. (He’s a pilot) Then when he had to go to Phoenix for additional training, I took a job contract overseas. While I was overseas, he knocked a chick up and married her.
Conversely, my brother and SIL were both ROTC and have had no issues in spite of deployments or TDY.
Later in life, I was married and my husband was posted for 18 mos with only 2 weeks R&R in the middle. Wasn’t an issue for us.
I (44F) have moved 26 times in the US or abroad since college either for my job, a partner’s job/military/gov’t. I like the lifestyle but it’s not for everyone.
You two are so young. It’s unlikely you’d end up together in the long term anyway. But give it a shot and see how it works. Every relationship ends til one doesn’t. Enjoy the ride.
My motto is “I’d rather regret the things I’ve done than the things I didn’t do”. It’s worked well.
You’re awfully dismissive and cold about his feelings.
My dude, why have you been tolerating this at all?? It should have never happened a second time, let alone after all these years. This is her issue to resolve, not yours. She needs to put in the work to grow up and get the fuck over you having a life before her. If she can’t, don’t waste your time in a girl who hasn’t grown up past high school
Must be done within 2 minutes of sending.
Must be done within 2 minutes of sending.
maybe have a talk to your friend to see if he’s okay? rather than talking about your friend to others, it kinda makes you a poor friend.
emo is a dress/life style. i assume you mean he’s depressed
You've known each other less than a year. Which is not long enough to get married.
You're both 22, which is too young to get married. Wait until you're both at least 25.
You've been through an INCREDBLY fraught, stressful year together, which means you haven't had all that much time together to get to know each other under normal circumstances.
She literally tried to k1ll herself in the past couple weeks, so she is CLEARLY not in any mental state to get married to someone yet.
You have some strong–possibly cultural issues?–around respect and communication that you haven't figured out yet.
She was right to call this engagement off.
Dude, get a grip. Being a father and a dad are two different things. If you‘re positive your actions speak volumes you shouldn’t feel offended by a child calling you dad. Also a nice way to set the siblings up for future resentment. If you didn’t want to be a dad to someone else’s child you shouldn’t have dated a mother.
I would never ask my partner to stop following someone on social media, and i wouldn't ask my partner to show me their private messages with another person. Honestly, I wouldn't even keep track of who he follows on social media. This isn't about respect for the relationship. It's about insecurity and lack of trust. If you don't trust him, don't date him.
I was in a long distance “situationship” with my now fiancé, I dated multiple people while I was seeing him, and I didn’t really emotionally invest in anyone during that time. Anytime I got back from visiting him, I was usually a little bit MAD at how nice of a time I had and at the situation itself and would stop texting him as much. I knew I COULDN’T be in a LDR— I just need too much stimulation. Eventually he moved closer and we could see each other on the weekends and I loved him enough that it was plenty for me. In your case, maybe your friend just can’t do LDR or realizes that there’s no feasible way that you would end up in the same area and is realistically trying to distance herself.
If he was “so absolutely destroyed by his father growing up” then it's possibly related to childhood trauma which he needs to process in therapy. I'm currently going through it myself. I don't try to be an extreme people pleaser but when discussing opinions of stuff I get very anxious that if I don't say the exact right thing the person I'm talking to will never speak to me again. I know it sounds ridiculous and I know that logically that's not the case, but things ingrained in us throughout childhood have a strong hold and are deeply rooted in how we express ourselves out of a perceived need to keep ourselves safe. It's difficult to work through because it's like going against your instincts. Therapy isn't going to help very much if he can't be completely honest with his therapist. It's been difficult to be so honest with my current therapist but it's been helping and made it a little easier to be honest with her as time goes on. It was also much worse when I was also dealing with depression as a depressed brain can be very illogically convincing.
Yeah she's been saying I'm going to find a job for years, but here we are… No student loans, we're european.
How far into the relationship did you discuss becoming an exclusive couple VS you finding out that post-relationship status conversation, she hadn't in fact closed down the lines of enquiry with the other guys?
Oh my mother's fine. She's been retired. But when she did, she was bored and volunteered. With Florida's voting board or something, IIRC, since it was after the whole Bush/Gore thing. She wanted to make sure that never happened again.
Once my dad passed away, she moved back up to the NE where me and siblings (including my brother) live!. No rent to pay. Bought her house in cash.
Lives a great life shopping and driving us nuts. And let me tell you, you get that old lady in a store and she will outwalk even the most fit of people, and that's after having knee surgeries.
Which brings me to my original point: 66 ain't that old.
RemindMe! 9 months
It isn't a joke if no one is laughing. It isn't a joke if it is said to demean, belittle, or degrade you. It isn't a joke if you, the recipient of said joke, are hurt by it.
Your boyfriend is just an asshole.
Girl…
Yeah, probably best to be done with her. You tried to explain why you thought her behavior was inappropriate (and it was) and she tried to justify it by turning it on you. Toxic.
Some people have one night stands and don’t count it as a “relationship”so why would she
Ew girl you’re 20 and in the hottest years of your life. Why are you wasting them on this crusty fool? He doesn’t love you like you deserve. Hell, my friends treat me with more respect than that
You told her after the cruise was booked?
Is this a former helicopter parent who doesn't know what to do with their time now that the kid is too old for flyovers?
Tell him that you're 19 now and while you love him and appreciate his attention, you want to focus your time on doing things with your friends. You'll always love and appreciate him, but here is a list of groups that do things related to hobbies (bowling, baseball, whatever…).
Also, move out. He can't move on to post-kid adulthood if he wakes up every morning, sees you at the kitchen table, and wonders if he should be cutting your toast into smiley faces or something.
None of this matters since he insists on lying to therapists
??? it’s been very hot for me
No. Not controlling. This dude wants more with this “friend” of his, clearly.
You set boundaries. He broke them. You tried to compromise, and he agreed and then tried to break those boundaries again.
You're being more than fair, and he keeps pushing it.
Do yourself a favor, don't be second fiddle to anyone. Don't be anyone's backup plan. You're better than that. Realize that and leave this relationship.
I didn’t do this to boost my own ego… I never claimed to be perfect or morally elite or whatever the fuck. People can dump me too if they don’t agree with my actions, idc
I feel that 20 years ago this wouldn't even be a question.
Break it down. You're not married, not living together, don't have kids, AND are long distance. There are ZERO ties to this person other than what…. he's a bit ok when he's not fucking other people?
Why would you stay? There is absolutely nothing keeping you with this person. There are many people, closer to you geographically, that you might like a relationship with and would probably not take their dick on walkabout after 3 days of being “unhappy.”
You don't want a girlfriend. You want a stepford. You are only 20, and you have this, “she makes herself small so i can feel manly, and we cohabitate like adults except we're not” mentality.
Yep 1000% he’s using her vs actually parenting. She needs to go off to college, get a job and live! her life as far away from them as possible.
I think you’re wrong and the first example is more spot on. If you think of the car as the bullet then other cars/pedestrians etc become the crowd.
That's the million dollar question…..
I feel like I would be letting my family down, we are quite small and my parents are entering their 70's. I promised them I would be back in 4 years, it's been 10.
Who do I disappoint? Myself, my parents or my husband.
Who cares if he finds out? Some father he is.
I know I said get back with my ex, but it’s more just setting lines straight. Being in neutrality.
I certainly had some thoughts when just reading the title alone, but when you said that when he texted that he failed that you knew a break or breakup was coming, that put reality a bit more into perspective, which you all but confirmed in the next sentence.
For you to be sitting here making an assumption like that means that you've been in an unhealthy relationship for quite some time. If you fundamentally know that him receiving a failing grade, which is completely unrelated to your relationship, will cause him to end your relationship, it's a monumental problem.
When you say your relationship hadn't been “smooth sailing” but had finally stabilized, all you've told us is that the issues in your relationships have never been sustainably addressed, but you've settled on just being calm. You should never have to sit in a relationship fearing that a single moment will ruin everything. If that's the case, your relationship is legitimately ruined and you need to leave it.
Now, I was going to say that you were being unreasonable in insisting to see him when he wanted to be alone after receiving bad news (which would absolutely be true in most contexts), he didn't ask for a day to relax; he asked for a break from the relationship. Again, that's not a normal reaction to the given situation. A day or two to process and things and unwind alone? Fine. But he suggested a long-term pause of your relationship. Him failing an exam warrants that?
I do think you're probably frustrating to deal with, refuse to listen to what people say, and are relentless, but there's two important things to consider; first, you're young, inexperienced, and immature. I'm sorry for coming off as mean in saying that, and I'm promise you that's not my intention; it's simply reality. I've been there, I get it. That's the reason I give advice on here. Full disclosure to you though, I'm a guy, and I'm happily married. I tell you this for a few reasons; first, I don't want to sit here and imply that I'm a woman because that would be dishonest to you when I tell you 'I get it.” I get it from a relationship perspective. Second, I'm not here being negative for the sake of being negative; I love love and I wish you nothing but the absolute best. Finally, it's easier for me to see reality than the person in the actual situation when you're blinded by love. I digress.
After saying all that, let's just focus on reality; he wants a break because his mental state will negatively impact your relationship. I mean, that will always be the case. But why make an assumption? How does he just throw out an arbitrary timeline of “5+ months?” What's that based on?
I'll come back to that, but we need to come back to you. You said you want to be there for him, support him, and not abandon him. The guy is literally telling you to go away. You insisting on sticking around is honestly doing nothing but hurting your case. Not that it matters given the advice I'm ultimately going to give you, but if someone asks you for something and you do everything you can not to do it, all you're doing is telling them that they made the right decision leaving you, because you can't respect their decision and requests.
So now here's what you do; you make it a clean breakup, never look back, and start the process of moving on. You need to understand just how important you making a statement like “waiting 5+ months is completely unfair to me.” Guess what? You're absolutely right. Ignoring the fact that there's no basis behind that random number, you're here being held on a string for half a year while also not knowing if it'll end with a positive result. You have no reason to believe that'll be the case.
Ending things for no reason? How about reality? Your relationship has always been unhealthy. The guy wants to pause your relationship because of HIS issues, for an indefinite time. You're far too worried on coming off as the “bad guy” (to be fair to you, I assure you we all felt that way). But what makes you “wrong?” You're miserable and he's avoiding you. Don't torture yourself. When you're in a healthy relationship, you'll never deal with anything like this. Good luck.
I think douche canoe is my new fav lol thank you.
Bt ur right these days people cheat and are abusive to partners and just go oh well..
It's because i have trauma or i just was so depressed…
Its insane.
Everyone under 30 at this current present time are going to have to have a day of reckoning with this it seems. The women under 30 now have more sex and engage in it with more partners than their counterparts. Also There are more men virgins then there are women virgins under 30,more male virgins under 30 then there has been in previous generations. This is going to be a sticking point as these guys are out here live! part of the over all dating conversation with us.
I think God has her covered on that one
Stop try to convince with him! This is so messed up it is making me very angry! I think you might be confused with your terminology. If you checked out ok ie you tubes were clear after a hysterosalpingogram and your hormones levels are good then you would be doing an IUI. IVF is usually used with there a blockages in your tubes. They remove the egg from your overy place in a petre dish add the sperm and wait till the embro starts to grow and divide and then place it back into the uterus. Your BIL can provide his sperm but you need legal paperwork and psychological evaluation before agreeing to any of this! This needs to be done all above board and with every I dotted and every t cross! You do not want to risk custody of your child because you decide to cut corners. This is way too important! But like I said at the beginning of this I doubt your relationship with survive this level of betrayal!
You're an idiot
Lol I wonder where these other girls are? Probably also got fed up with his sh*t and left. Single at 34 and no one in his age gap wants to stick around.
I think 3 mos is a little soon to be in love. That’s more “in lust”. A lot of people are dreamy about a future and all but it kind of seems like love bombing if he’s saying all that stuff so soon.
Eww. He went out of his way to cheat without cheating and then tries to justify it? No way. He knew what he was doing and hoped you'd just shrug your shoulders and be okay. And when there's a next time? And the next?
Ask him not to tell you what porn he watches.
That means he’s going to do whatever he wants whenever he wants. Pay attention to what he’s actually telling you.
Yup, marine corps. Just got out in November. You know how it is. It’s normal in the military to be married young
I wonder if OP can get her a set of 5lb dumbbells that she can use in bed? Even that little bit of activity might be enough to help build a bit of muscle and burn some extra calories.
I’ve been with my wife for 30+years and we get it on 3-5 times a week. It’s fire every time. It might just be how the both of you go about it that has you losing interest. Try something different with each other(not a 3rd party).
I don't think they do, they hated the town they were in and didn't really have any close friends. They already were living hours from family and didn't really like to spend time with them because of historical conflict. We're basically the only close family they have since my wife has no siblings.
I don’t think it’s fair to say your husband is shallow.
It IS fair to say that he is attracted to people who are confident, creative and self expressive.
I am realizing that it was more so me not seeing that these things are still okay to experience when in a relationship. I kept thinking that this meant we are not compatible. Do you think I can win her back?
Because his opinion is the most important one because he's your child. Jesus, you should have never had a child.
That, sir, is an awesome suggestion. It so happens I have a present coming for her for Mother's Day that would work excellent in combination with a romantic poem. Thank you!!
No one is going to mention you going through his phone to find evidence? And you found an invitation to grab lunch, not a bunch if sexts or nudes, or some “I've got something you can eat.” Type of reply.
You have every right to want honesty from your partner. But you betrayed his trust by going through his phone. Ok, she was back in the country. Cool. I'd be hella pissed if he met her at the airport with flowers. He obviously didn't know she was back which explains the texts. If you reread your post you never use your partners name only “my boyfriend” it definitely feels like you are trying to show ownership to us, I'm not sure if that makes sense. I cant articulate it. Clearly, you are all in for this guy. You refer to her as “this girl” showing your disdain for her. So, you probably do have signs that you unknowingly make when she is around him/your friends. I know I do that when I'm around people I can't stand.
How long have you guys been together? Is this a person you want to spend the rest of your life with? If the answer is yes, then she will be at the wedding, at birthday parties, at family dinners. She is a part of his life. If you don't see yourself spending your life with him, and you don't believe they have a platonic relationship, you get out and live! your best life.
I'm old and have been treated poorly before too. It fucking sucks. Heartache is the fucking worst. Ma'am, you are 28 years old. Don't waste a moment of your time with someone if you wouldn't trust them to pull you out of a burning building. If you aren't sure, bounce the fuck out.
Kick him out.. honey he cheating on you
Millions of people are paying hundreds and thousands of dollars to see Taylor. Are they all wrong? Taylor's show is about 3 hours with amazing sets and effects.
This is when I'd just block him and his family.
It's not your circus, they aren't your monkeys.
None of this is your fault. Reading your post and your comments, I really think you should walk away from this shit show, all for your own well-being. I feel horrible for their children involved, but you don't have to stay with a manipulative and just absolutely disgusting person who doesn't actually value you. You also shouldn't stay and put up with his vile ex-wife/affair partner either. They've fucked up their lives, and they're just gonna continue to fuck themselves up, and they will try to drag you down with them. You deserve infinitely better than that shit.
This sub is so toxic. People here encouraging you to take the most negative possible interpretation of your partner's behavior instead of just talking to him about it and trying to understand. In this sub OP always has the right to expect their partner to understand and empathize, but also the right to snap.judge and make no effort to do the work to understand and empathize.
What if he isn't “gaslighting” or trying to manipulate you? What if he's a basically good person, and he looked at you like you were a shrew because you obviously have significant resentment toward him and no one likes to feel that from their partner?
Here's an explanation: he learned to make those noises because his dad made them or a friend made them, and now they are habit. Just habit. There's no sub game, he's not a narcissist, he's not an evil chore non doer, he doesn't disrespect you, he's not trying to get sympathy, he just makes them because that's what he learned to do and hasn't thought about it.
You made a promise no girls with close guy friends. Then the line in the sand moves to no ex lovers. This chick lies to you about her old lover being just friends and makes you hang out with him. ( total disrespect, she knows this boundary). Where are you moving the line next? No guys she’s done anal with? You are being weak man. Time to make her an ex and continue the search.