Ya know, I've wanted to live on a farm all my life but OP, your bf is offering you a LOONEY FARM to on-line on……there is not a future there with him and mommy…… besides, he's calling another woman “his future”……. preserve your sanity and stay away from dude and his mommy!!
Is it though? The first thing he's talking about was her having sex with him, that she initiated, then immediately afterwards crying about how she didn't want sex. I'd never have sex with her again after that myself. That's dangerous
Absolutely not you do need to take accountability for your own choices. If you see red flags waving in your face and your run to it it’s your own decision. Op went for a cheater that had no problem cheating on his gf of 7 years a fact that she had to discover herself while he hid it and continued communication with said person until he promised to stop. This idea that you don’t have any free will or not accountability in choosing shitty Lerner is ridiculous. Here is op again thinking about staying with this man and blaming it all in the girl. If you don’t question your own decision making you’ll end up repeating it
In this post I've kept the details short but he explained a bit more about his triggers, but still not really enough for me to understand them fully. He was for a long time and takes antidepressants but not ATM. I'm not sure if there is something he needs to work on? It seems that he has accepted his situation. That's why I'm not sure if it's okay to ask him to work on his triggers. I don't want to disturb his “peace” Is this topic something that he should work on with a therapist maybe?
I think you have the upper hand in that case. I don't know how you can do it legally, better if you do it by the books and consult a professional.
In the meantime, 2 months have passed, so maybe look into it a little if the dog is fine and take much evidence as you can without rising any suspicion and see what is the best course of action.
Just being in love isn’t enough. Love is needed to get started but love won’t carry you together for 50 years. People love drugs or booze or gambling or adrenaline. It’s not enough to have love.
Small dog owner here. Mine are perfectly fine with being in a crate or away from me. I don't coddle them constantly because the trainer said that will cause them to develop that unhealthy attachment to me. Don't get me wrong, we have cuddle time, but mostly they are walking around on their own two four feet.
I got small dogs because their poops are smaller and (usually) less gross to clean up ?
I’ve been thinking that I should for a while but I try to trick myself into thinking that I’m just quitting to early. And that’s a good question that I will definitely ask myself and ponder on because I feel like I’m so lost in life right now. Thank you for reaching out.
That's a little convoluted and it's unclear if these are real relationships or just live associations. But any time someone tells you you have to disconnect from other people in order to be with them it's a clear sign that they're controlling. Be wary.
I had an impression that wasn’t just jumping to the “he is gonna cheat” mentality.
He is 18 and you are 20, he could have friends as young as 15-16 coming to this party. He may be trying to limit the guests to below 20 so that the younger people are more comfortable (or that their parents are more comfortable with them going)
If he has other 20+ friends coming than this theory is tossed out the window.
Otherwise I would say that this is going to blow up in his face. His friends are expecting to see you. I doubt that he has been telling them that you aren’t coming. So when you don’t show up, he is going to look like someone either fighting with their SO or someone who is stepping out on their SO. Then when his friends reach out to you and you confirm that he asked you to not come, his friends will really think he is being a cheater.
That can really burn bridges.
As to what you should do right now, trust hasn’t been broken. But it has taken a beating. This could be a failure in communication (hello 18 and can’t communicate) or this could be a relationship ending breach of trust.
I would suggest a conversation:
“I respect that you don’t want me at your party and I’m not asking you to change your mind. I am however now in a position of trying to guess your intentions. That usually ends badly, so I’m now going to ask you what your intentions are. When you asked me to not attend your party, I felt like you waited until the absolute last minute to tell me. I was left questioning, is he ashamed of me, does he want to hook up with someone else at his party? Is there an innocent reason for this request? I feel so stupid telling his friends how excited I was to see them at the party. This is your opportunity to help me understand what your intentions are, because this feels like a violation of trust.”
This uses the “I feel” statement. “When you (action), I feel (your reaction)”
This is one of the best ways to avoid casting blame. Your BF may have not even considered the implications of his request and could have no idea that most of his friends expect to see you there.
Open the door for the conversation. If you don’t talk about it, then the hurt and resentment will grow and eventually it will end the relationship. As you said, it is a new relationship, you are both young. But these are good skills to practice because one day you may be having this conversation with the love of your life and getting it right will depend on having practice now.
hopefully go get some penicillin or whatever and clear up your std(assuming it is one you can get rid of). Then you start having people wear protection that are banging you. After that, if you want an exclusive relationship you ask for that and move on when someone doesn't give it to you..you might also want to inform anyone you also have been with, that you have an std and they need to get tested..
What do you think happened? It’s likely he cheated on you and this was his backup story. Maybe he’s not the man who can be a decent father. Your still young, move on and let bygones be just that.
Apologies without a foundational change are lip service. Your self esteem will never improve with him, he is happy to abuse you. He apologized because he wants to make you question leaving.
No, you’re right. But the concept of HIM having issues with ME is new to me. We’ve absolutely had issues. But they’ve kinda always come from my end. He’s never approached me about any issue HE’S had before. Now there are suddenly a lot that I’ve been unaware of
Talk to your ex Gf. Be truthful tell her how it’s affecting your relationship with your family and new GF. Tell her about the baby. If she truly wants the best for you and your family, your Ex will step back from those relationships
You two already have a couple's therapist, right? Start there. Talk to your wife about therapy again. “Hey, I think we need to go see Dr. X again. I'm going to make an appointment for us.” Then make the appointment and tell your wife when it is. If she refuses to go, go without her.
You might think that it's just an over-reaction on his part but I believe there is something else going on here. Your words and teasing are not the problem.
I agree. The moment you're in a long term committed relationship/ start a family with someone they become your nuclear family and they should be the priority
You’re right, you probably won’t love anyone else the same. You’ll probably love them in a completely newfound way that exists outside of abuse. Ik it’s nude but you have to get out. Make a plan, take it step by step, and get out. I’ve been in abusive relationships before so I have some experience. DM me if you need help or someone to talk to.
If you love him in anyway…you love him. The question is, if he were to get help and you both were going to put in the energy to fix the marriage, would you stay? If the answer is you don't want to. Go. Truly. Relationships do not need to be torn to shreds of debris before people choose to move on. By that point the people are in such bad shape, it can't help but affect their children horribly. So, if you aren't in a space where this has any life left…pull the plug.
That’s like saying we should all be fine with talking to the cops if we have nothing to hide. We should be fine with the NSA spying on us if we have nothing to hide
This was the result he wanted. You said he has behaved similarly before. That is a pattern. You are operating at half capacity to who you truly are to compensate for him. You are making yourself small for him to avoid his unspecified rage. This is not an equal partnership. You are not doing well. Connect with how YOU feel about this before adjusting to his “rage”.
Be a purposeful asshole. Next time she pops into your office say “You have a boyfriend, right? Well….you’re not available and neither am I because I’m 25 years older than you. I don’t have as much free time as you because I’m here to work and you’re preventing me from doing that right now”
There's nothing you can do about your very “mild' past. S truly does need help if this is what's eating at him! Ball is in his court. You can't undo your past. ??♂️
This person is not your friend. She's either into you, or wildly insecure about her own sexuality. The fact that she won't shut up about how bi she is makes me think it's the latter. Whatever the reason, she is knowingly and purposefully making you uncomfortable. Maybe you should go meet some better people.
I wouldn’t say I’m upset per say… I’d say I’m more so worried/concerned/sad that he feels that way.. but you’re right. I need to be more intentional with my words and the frequency of how often I am conveying my specific appreciations for him. I hope it all works out. It’s been such a long journey
Not enough counseling in the world to save something that never existed. You build your house on a sink hole and the sink hole collapses you move, you don't pour concrete in the hole, rebuild, and hope it doesn't expand.
If he's cheating and it isn't an open relationship, then he would have all the reason in the world to lie. He hid things from you initially; that in itself should make you wonder about the situation and question the accuracy of things he tells you about their relationship. Does the girlfriend know about you at all?
If she doesn’t want to get help for her smoking addiction, and you won’t leave her, then I guess the only option would be to see her get cancer and die ??♀️
They were political differences as there was a lot of political turmoil during the pandemic. After our split, we reflected a lot on our values and realized both of us were not in a good spot mentally at the start of the pandemic.
It could just be that the long-distance thing only involves deep conversations. I assume this is phone or video chats?. Most guys aren't wired for that and maybe it's become more of a chore for him. Maybe he just wants to see you and do fun things and not have to have deep meaningful discussions the entire time. I'm married, and when I come home from work, I don't want to have explore my inner feelings. I want to throw some steaks on the grill and crack jokes with my family.
If you’ve been getting into shape, I’m guessing the reason is less likely related to how you look and more likely related to factors surrounding you losing your job. Have you discussed how that made you both feel and how it has affected your relationship? Does she feel like she’s the only one pulling her weight? Do you make up for lack of income by helping more around the house? Are you actively searching for a new job?
I see a lot of comments about her eyeing other men but given the timing and how new your marriage is, I really don’t think it’s that.
Girl you need to knock some self-respect and sense into yourself he has literally told you to leave before. If my partner ever told me that I could leave I would be out the door before he could blink twice that’s so disrespectful and there’s really no other way to translate that other than I don’t give a fuck about you you could do what you want and I’ll find a new girlfriend. A man that loves you and cherishes you would never speak to you that way.
Couldn’t agree more, it would be safer to not be in this relationship. Sorry to be blunt and brief. If I may, you sound like an extremely responsible adult who has the correct follow up for your MH conditions, which predispose you to a bad outcome if you stay in the relationship. Good luck and stay safe.
I’d be lying if I wasn’t worried about that. I’ve never done long distance before but I feel like it could easily lead to us growing apart or another person slipping in.
You will be crossing borders, they are a form of boundary of the land. So technically he is correct, you would be crossing a few boundaries. I have a boundary where I don't date controlling cunts, I think you should implement this boundary too.
Write to her. Let her know you understand she is having some extreme emotions right now and that you are sorry your attempt to help was not what she needed. Let her know you are giving her space to work through it, and that she can reach out to you when she is ready. Tell her you care and you want to be there for her but are not sure how best to do that.
It sounds like he’s making excuses. Has he put off visits before for various reasons? If I hadn’t seen someone I loved for awhile, there’s nothing that would make me cancel it. Hair grows back. You can’t get this time together back.
Are u sure nothing is going on? While I understand the girls going to a gay nightclub to have peace but the married would probably be hit on. Unless they are curious about it or about the other ladies in the group. Has anything changed on your relationship apart from the going out?
He was talking to women very late at night on a social media with a bad reputation. He also agreed not to use it anymore when his gf mentioned not being happy about it. He admits even though he agreed to that, he still goes on it to talk to women. No wonder the gf has a trust issue. We are getting trickle truth out of him.
And no, you asked me if I was an adult as an under handed ad hominem. I am adult enough to notice that. I will tell you what else I am adult enough to do. I am adult enough to have learned a long long time ago not to be a black and white thinker. Therefore I am adult enough not to assume the following:
She obviously went back because of a bruised ego after being used. You read ALL this into the sentence “the guy trashed her. Then she come back to me”. Most adults where I come from see the statement as vague and full of multiple interpretations. Your interpretation is one of them. It could also mean she was abused by guy, and eventually got back with op, the guy could have cheated on her, she made her way back to OP, and so forth. We have no idea what she was thinking or why. Your interpretation is not the obvious one, the paragraph is absent of details necessary to demand it as the obvious one. We don’t even know the time frame between relationships, or who asked who back out.
”It’s obvious OP has low self esteem because he says he just can’t leave her and is doing everything to make her happy after she made it clear he is her backup plan.”
Only in a black and white thinking world is the phrase I can’t (which is all he said) an “obvious” indicator of low self esteem. In my half a century worth of adult experience, I have encountered many couples where one felt they couldn’t leave for numerous reasons, self esteem being one, but not the only one. I knew a very confident alpha male, A personality guy who didn’t leave a person he should have either, because the woman lived off him and had no life skills. As far as making her happy, after apologizing for being caught talking with women late at night after agreeing to not do that again, he apologized and acted like what a typical boyfriend acts like (for some reason you act like it’s above and beyond) but continued to sneak behind her back and go on the media, and still does. And I missed the part where she or even he made a clear and precise statement or action that showed him to be the back up plan. Could he be? Sure, it is possible you are accurate. But the info provide, which is very little at best, very vague at worst does not demand or beg your opinion and assessment to be the only possible conclusion.
”Any adult with a modicum of life experience would realize this.”
I don’t doubt that an adult with a modicum of life experience would have a very rigid sense of thinking. An adult with an abundance of life experience would not usually be so black and white, with such stringent room for interpretation, and take a post as vague as this one, and think they know with great certainty, all the ins and outs of this relationship, what someone did not share their side of the story is thinking or motivated by, diagnosing an OP because they simply can not perceive other possibilities for why they stay, demanding that only their interpretation is the only possible one with such great veracity that they try for sly back handed ad hominem when they realize another adult won’t get on board with it.
Meanwhile, we continue have a vague post, omitting many details, including circumstances of how he even wound up back with the girlfriend, never mind a time frame, who has trickled more facts in by later openly admitted to still doing the night chats with multiple women even though he promised not to anymore. This same person who also thinks singing a song together is cheating, and has yet to provide any proof at all that his gf did any more than singing while in a relationship with him. I don’t find it the least bit absurd or childish, or proof of lack of life experience for anyone to not jump to full on conclusions and interject narratives in this situation. If you want to think otherwise, I do not mind. You are not going to compel me to black and white think anymore than I can compel you to grey think. From this point on, thank you for your thought provoking discussion, much appreciated, but until I see much better quality of details, I will have to stand by my agreement to disagree with you. Good day and good night.
He’s just waiting for the perfect moment, you can have a good relationship and respectful one with someone younger than you where that person can seek for advice and if you see them on the streets you can say hello, but to start hanging out and telling that person who’s 15 years younger than you to have a relationship is not a good sign because he already told you he can wait for you to turn 17-18 to finally start asking for nudes and taking a more “aggressive “ approach on how to convince into having a relationship
You need to give up. He is not going to change. He is lucky, if it was me in your shoes, I would have called the police and called him the useless thief he is.
I hope you've changed your bank passwords, email passwords, literally any passwords. Message him if he sells anything from the home, you will charge him with theft. Its the next thing he will do, sell any jewellery or anything of value to pay for his addiction.
Stop enabling him. Stop making excuses. You need a lawyer to sort out the situation with the flat ownership. It might need to be sold and any profit split between you. Then you need to block him from your life and move on.
He will not change. He has blown through a truck ton of money. He will drag you down. It is time to call this done.
Weddings outside of the country are difficult to have legally recognized in the states. We planned on just going to court one day, but never got around to it
You’re soooooooo right. My ex accused me of flirting/liking someone in our (well, my) friend group only for him to get caught with tinder on his phone on top of sexts on snap chat
Oh no you're lost. Man is controlling who you talk to AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, does not trust you but for some reason, you took that as a sign to say yes to marrying him. I'm baffled at the things some of you tolerate tbh.
People don't change. Who she was when she was riding the carousel is still who she is now that she's with you. She's hidden her past from you and has no problem lying to you. Yeah you may love her but she's bad news. What more do you need? To catch her in bed with someone? That's the likely outcome of this.
Bro, if she doesn’t reach out to you in 3 days, I would say it’s safe to assume you’re single. She’s 31 and goes radio silent when you have an argument? This behavior is abusive. Don’t chase her when she’s in the wrong.
Give her a few days and if you don’t hear from her, end it. This is not the future you want.
It sounds like you’re doing your best right now. Moving is considered one of the number one stressors and then add to that you’re blending your families.
I was a little annoyed by the naivety of you and her. I would recommend. affordable coach for her if you can find it. If it is not possible then yeah it’s nor naivety and counseling otherwise
I will approach him by saying “Hey, there’s been a couple things on my mind lately and I would really appreciate it if we could talk about it soon.” And then we both pick a day/time to get together and talk about it. So he’s usually aware before these conversations happen, but still every time it’s always me doing the talking.
You need to either breakup with your current partner or cut the ex off completely from your life. You can't have both while maintaining any degree of personal integrity.
You’re 22 and spell sex like “s3x” and think folks browsing this sub won’t know what head is.
Dump her because you’re too immature for a girlfriend.
He’s not ready to be dating.
Ya know, I've wanted to live on a farm all my life but OP, your bf is offering you a LOONEY FARM to on-line on……there is not a future there with him and mommy…… besides, he's calling another woman “his future”……. preserve your sanity and stay away from dude and his mommy!!
Is it though? The first thing he's talking about was her having sex with him, that she initiated, then immediately afterwards crying about how she didn't want sex. I'd never have sex with her again after that myself. That's dangerous
you should've broken up with her after the 1 month incident wtf…
Absolutely not you do need to take accountability for your own choices. If you see red flags waving in your face and your run to it it’s your own decision. Op went for a cheater that had no problem cheating on his gf of 7 years a fact that she had to discover herself while he hid it and continued communication with said person until he promised to stop. This idea that you don’t have any free will or not accountability in choosing shitty Lerner is ridiculous. Here is op again thinking about staying with this man and blaming it all in the girl. If you don’t question your own decision making you’ll end up repeating it
In this post I've kept the details short but he explained a bit more about his triggers, but still not really enough for me to understand them fully. He was for a long time and takes antidepressants but not ATM. I'm not sure if there is something he needs to work on? It seems that he has accepted his situation. That's why I'm not sure if it's okay to ask him to work on his triggers. I don't want to disturb his “peace” Is this topic something that he should work on with a therapist maybe?
Question is why does she have this contempt
She seems more bipolar and manipulative than intense
OK. And do you guys have any set times where you do video calls or have virtual dates? Or are you just winging communication at this stage?
Getting the popcorn out for this train wreck. I say leave him and work on yourself.
He's still in love with his ex.
Trust your gut. This is not over thinking, it's being practical. You don't want the life he's going to have.
You didn’t have to legally register ownership? Not sure if that’s a thing everywhere, it is where I live
I think you have the upper hand in that case. I don't know how you can do it legally, better if you do it by the books and consult a professional.
In the meantime, 2 months have passed, so maybe look into it a little if the dog is fine and take much evidence as you can without rising any suspicion and see what is the best course of action.
???????
Just being in love isn’t enough. Love is needed to get started but love won’t carry you together for 50 years. People love drugs or booze or gambling or adrenaline. It’s not enough to have love.
You might not be ready for sex if you can’t even write the word without trying to censor it.
Good god how long have you been with him with no sex?
Technically yes, we rent a MIL apartment that's on my mom's property.
A list is an awesome idea. Thank you! Followed with talking about how I can I make sure I’m meeting his needs of feeling loved/wanted
Lmao what the hell are you talking about dude ? you need therapy.
Small dog owner here. Mine are perfectly fine with being in a crate or away from me. I don't coddle them constantly because the trainer said that will cause them to develop that unhealthy attachment to me. Don't get me wrong, we have cuddle time, but mostly they are walking around on their own two four feet.
I got small dogs because their poops are smaller and (usually) less gross to clean up ?
I’ve been thinking that I should for a while but I try to trick myself into thinking that I’m just quitting to early. And that’s a good question that I will definitely ask myself and ponder on because I feel like I’m so lost in life right now. Thank you for reaching out.
I mean he told you straight he has a “lineup”, what were you expecting?
That's a little convoluted and it's unclear if these are real relationships or just live associations. But any time someone tells you you have to disconnect from other people in order to be with them it's a clear sign that they're controlling. Be wary.
He's being incredibly toxic and abusive.
To answer your question, never. Never give an entitled narcissist head.
I had an impression that wasn’t just jumping to the “he is gonna cheat” mentality.
He is 18 and you are 20, he could have friends as young as 15-16 coming to this party. He may be trying to limit the guests to below 20 so that the younger people are more comfortable (or that their parents are more comfortable with them going)
If he has other 20+ friends coming than this theory is tossed out the window.
Otherwise I would say that this is going to blow up in his face. His friends are expecting to see you. I doubt that he has been telling them that you aren’t coming. So when you don’t show up, he is going to look like someone either fighting with their SO or someone who is stepping out on their SO. Then when his friends reach out to you and you confirm that he asked you to not come, his friends will really think he is being a cheater.
That can really burn bridges.
As to what you should do right now, trust hasn’t been broken. But it has taken a beating. This could be a failure in communication (hello 18 and can’t communicate) or this could be a relationship ending breach of trust.
I would suggest a conversation:
“I respect that you don’t want me at your party and I’m not asking you to change your mind. I am however now in a position of trying to guess your intentions. That usually ends badly, so I’m now going to ask you what your intentions are. When you asked me to not attend your party, I felt like you waited until the absolute last minute to tell me. I was left questioning, is he ashamed of me, does he want to hook up with someone else at his party? Is there an innocent reason for this request? I feel so stupid telling his friends how excited I was to see them at the party. This is your opportunity to help me understand what your intentions are, because this feels like a violation of trust.”
This uses the “I feel” statement. “When you (action), I feel (your reaction)”
This is one of the best ways to avoid casting blame. Your BF may have not even considered the implications of his request and could have no idea that most of his friends expect to see you there.
Open the door for the conversation. If you don’t talk about it, then the hurt and resentment will grow and eventually it will end the relationship. As you said, it is a new relationship, you are both young. But these are good skills to practice because one day you may be having this conversation with the love of your life and getting it right will depend on having practice now.
If a guy called me sexually autistic I would dump his ass so fast. And I am actually autistic
Pomeranians are ugly and useless dogs anyways
And that OP stated that they are known for being “harsh”…what does that mean? and how often are you harsh?
I think at this point YOU should be mad. He is really going all out to convince you that you’re a villain.
What result do you want and expect?
Compare both decisions results.
Your decision is based on that.
Op!! Tell someone. This lie is insane. You need to call your family.
What should I do?
hopefully go get some penicillin or whatever and clear up your std(assuming it is one you can get rid of). Then you start having people wear protection that are banging you. After that, if you want an exclusive relationship you ask for that and move on when someone doesn't give it to you..you might also want to inform anyone you also have been with, that you have an std and they need to get tested..
anything else you need help with?
What do you think happened? It’s likely he cheated on you and this was his backup story. Maybe he’s not the man who can be a decent father. Your still young, move on and let bygones be just that.
Thank you
Apologies without a foundational change are lip service. Your self esteem will never improve with him, he is happy to abuse you. He apologized because he wants to make you question leaving.
No, you’re right. But the concept of HIM having issues with ME is new to me. We’ve absolutely had issues. But they’ve kinda always come from my end. He’s never approached me about any issue HE’S had before. Now there are suddenly a lot that I’ve been unaware of
Talk to your ex Gf. Be truthful tell her how it’s affecting your relationship with your family and new GF. Tell her about the baby. If she truly wants the best for you and your family, your Ex will step back from those relationships
Wow she really is entitled and unhinged…
Honestly it doesn’t matter if you don’t find anyone else attractive…right now…. Just get out. Be by yourself for a bit. You will figure things out
No shit. I want to know how he got this way.
You two already have a couple's therapist, right? Start there. Talk to your wife about therapy again. “Hey, I think we need to go see Dr. X again. I'm going to make an appointment for us.” Then make the appointment and tell your wife when it is. If she refuses to go, go without her.
You might think that it's just an over-reaction on his part but I believe there is something else going on here. Your words and teasing are not the problem.
I agree. The moment you're in a long term committed relationship/ start a family with someone they become your nuclear family and they should be the priority
At best he had a happy ending massage. At worst, well….
It really doesn’t matter how you found out, the fact is you know.
This would be a deal breaker for most people, regardless of what your friend says.
You’re right, you probably won’t love anyone else the same. You’ll probably love them in a completely newfound way that exists outside of abuse. Ik it’s nude but you have to get out. Make a plan, take it step by step, and get out. I’ve been in abusive relationships before so I have some experience. DM me if you need help or someone to talk to.
Just relax and try to enjoy yourself – he wouldn't have agreed to the date if he wasn't a bit interested.
If you love him in anyway…you love him. The question is, if he were to get help and you both were going to put in the energy to fix the marriage, would you stay? If the answer is you don't want to. Go. Truly. Relationships do not need to be torn to shreds of debris before people choose to move on. By that point the people are in such bad shape, it can't help but affect their children horribly. So, if you aren't in a space where this has any life left…pull the plug.
I'd just straight tell her I turned it off on purpose because I didn't want her to know where I was with a cheeky smile.
That would probably be enough for her to catch on I'm preparing something and I'd let her mind wonder.
Of course if she sounded concerned after that I'd reassure her it's something good.
That’s like saying we should all be fine with talking to the cops if we have nothing to hide. We should be fine with the NSA spying on us if we have nothing to hide
This was the result he wanted. You said he has behaved similarly before. That is a pattern. You are operating at half capacity to who you truly are to compensate for him. You are making yourself small for him to avoid his unspecified rage. This is not an equal partnership. You are not doing well. Connect with how YOU feel about this before adjusting to his “rage”.
Be a purposeful asshole. Next time she pops into your office say “You have a boyfriend, right? Well….you’re not available and neither am I because I’m 25 years older than you. I don’t have as much free time as you because I’m here to work and you’re preventing me from doing that right now”
There's nothing you can do about your very “mild' past. S truly does need help if this is what's eating at him! Ball is in his court. You can't undo your past. ??♂️
Yup. I’m too old to have arguments like this.
This person is not your friend. She's either into you, or wildly insecure about her own sexuality. The fact that she won't shut up about how bi she is makes me think it's the latter. Whatever the reason, she is knowingly and purposefully making you uncomfortable. Maybe you should go meet some better people.
She sounds hella annoying regardless. Why don’t you take a break from hanging out for her and also tell her to mind her own business.
I wouldn’t say I’m upset per say… I’d say I’m more so worried/concerned/sad that he feels that way.. but you’re right. I need to be more intentional with my words and the frequency of how often I am conveying my specific appreciations for him. I hope it all works out. It’s been such a long journey
Not enough counseling in the world to save something that never existed. You build your house on a sink hole and the sink hole collapses you move, you don't pour concrete in the hole, rebuild, and hope it doesn't expand.
If he's cheating and it isn't an open relationship, then he would have all the reason in the world to lie. He hid things from you initially; that in itself should make you wonder about the situation and question the accuracy of things he tells you about their relationship. Does the girlfriend know about you at all?
I think you know what the question was. Do you have access to phone records that can confirm an actual phone call after that text?
You know what stuck out to me? She used the word love twice when describing her ex but not when talking about her current girlfriend.
If she doesn’t want to get help for her smoking addiction, and you won’t leave her, then I guess the only option would be to see her get cancer and die ??♀️
I know what the word means, nothing you said indicates that.
They were political differences as there was a lot of political turmoil during the pandemic. After our split, we reflected a lot on our values and realized both of us were not in a good spot mentally at the start of the pandemic.
It could just be that the long-distance thing only involves deep conversations. I assume this is phone or video chats?. Most guys aren't wired for that and maybe it's become more of a chore for him. Maybe he just wants to see you and do fun things and not have to have deep meaningful discussions the entire time. I'm married, and when I come home from work, I don't want to have explore my inner feelings. I want to throw some steaks on the grill and crack jokes with my family.
If you’ve been getting into shape, I’m guessing the reason is less likely related to how you look and more likely related to factors surrounding you losing your job. Have you discussed how that made you both feel and how it has affected your relationship? Does she feel like she’s the only one pulling her weight? Do you make up for lack of income by helping more around the house? Are you actively searching for a new job?
I see a lot of comments about her eyeing other men but given the timing and how new your marriage is, I really don’t think it’s that.
Girl you need to knock some self-respect and sense into yourself he has literally told you to leave before. If my partner ever told me that I could leave I would be out the door before he could blink twice that’s so disrespectful and there’s really no other way to translate that other than I don’t give a fuck about you you could do what you want and I’ll find a new girlfriend. A man that loves you and cherishes you would never speak to you that way.
Apologize sincerely. You said something stupid and shitty.
Couldn’t agree more, it would be safer to not be in this relationship. Sorry to be blunt and brief. If I may, you sound like an extremely responsible adult who has the correct follow up for your MH conditions, which predispose you to a bad outcome if you stay in the relationship. Good luck and stay safe.
I’d be lying if I wasn’t worried about that. I’ve never done long distance before but I feel like it could easily lead to us growing apart or another person slipping in.
Hit the nail on the head there!!
You will be crossing borders, they are a form of boundary of the land. So technically he is correct, you would be crossing a few boundaries. I have a boundary where I don't date controlling cunts, I think you should implement this boundary too.
Thank you. He has been ignoring me since I pointed out that I can’t be blamed since he blocked me
Write to her. Let her know you understand she is having some extreme emotions right now and that you are sorry your attempt to help was not what she needed. Let her know you are giving her space to work through it, and that she can reach out to you when she is ready. Tell her you care and you want to be there for her but are not sure how best to do that.
From the sounds of it, roomate is 100% in love with you and wants to smash
Kind of funny how this guy is 40 and your still in your 20s. He is way too old for you and he doesn’t care for you
What a terrible day to have eyes this is the worst post I've seen today
It sounds like he’s making excuses. Has he put off visits before for various reasons? If I hadn’t seen someone I loved for awhile, there’s nothing that would make me cancel it. Hair grows back. You can’t get this time together back.
Are u sure nothing is going on? While I understand the girls going to a gay nightclub to have peace but the married would probably be hit on. Unless they are curious about it or about the other ladies in the group. Has anything changed on your relationship apart from the going out?
He was talking to women very late at night on a social media with a bad reputation. He also agreed not to use it anymore when his gf mentioned not being happy about it. He admits even though he agreed to that, he still goes on it to talk to women. No wonder the gf has a trust issue. We are getting trickle truth out of him.
And no, you asked me if I was an adult as an under handed ad hominem. I am adult enough to notice that. I will tell you what else I am adult enough to do. I am adult enough to have learned a long long time ago not to be a black and white thinker. Therefore I am adult enough not to assume the following:
She obviously went back because of a bruised ego after being used. You read ALL this into the sentence “the guy trashed her. Then she come back to me”. Most adults where I come from see the statement as vague and full of multiple interpretations. Your interpretation is one of them. It could also mean she was abused by guy, and eventually got back with op, the guy could have cheated on her, she made her way back to OP, and so forth. We have no idea what she was thinking or why. Your interpretation is not the obvious one, the paragraph is absent of details necessary to demand it as the obvious one. We don’t even know the time frame between relationships, or who asked who back out.
”It’s obvious OP has low self esteem because he says he just can’t leave her and is doing everything to make her happy after she made it clear he is her backup plan.”
Only in a black and white thinking world is the phrase I can’t (which is all he said) an “obvious” indicator of low self esteem. In my half a century worth of adult experience, I have encountered many couples where one felt they couldn’t leave for numerous reasons, self esteem being one, but not the only one. I knew a very confident alpha male, A personality guy who didn’t leave a person he should have either, because the woman lived off him and had no life skills. As far as making her happy, after apologizing for being caught talking with women late at night after agreeing to not do that again, he apologized and acted like what a typical boyfriend acts like (for some reason you act like it’s above and beyond) but continued to sneak behind her back and go on the media, and still does. And I missed the part where she or even he made a clear and precise statement or action that showed him to be the back up plan. Could he be? Sure, it is possible you are accurate. But the info provide, which is very little at best, very vague at worst does not demand or beg your opinion and assessment to be the only possible conclusion.
”Any adult with a modicum of life experience would realize this.”
I don’t doubt that an adult with a modicum of life experience would have a very rigid sense of thinking. An adult with an abundance of life experience would not usually be so black and white, with such stringent room for interpretation, and take a post as vague as this one, and think they know with great certainty, all the ins and outs of this relationship, what someone did not share their side of the story is thinking or motivated by, diagnosing an OP because they simply can not perceive other possibilities for why they stay, demanding that only their interpretation is the only possible one with such great veracity that they try for sly back handed ad hominem when they realize another adult won’t get on board with it.
Meanwhile, we continue have a vague post, omitting many details, including circumstances of how he even wound up back with the girlfriend, never mind a time frame, who has trickled more facts in by later openly admitted to still doing the night chats with multiple women even though he promised not to anymore. This same person who also thinks singing a song together is cheating, and has yet to provide any proof at all that his gf did any more than singing while in a relationship with him. I don’t find it the least bit absurd or childish, or proof of lack of life experience for anyone to not jump to full on conclusions and interject narratives in this situation. If you want to think otherwise, I do not mind. You are not going to compel me to black and white think anymore than I can compel you to grey think. From this point on, thank you for your thought provoking discussion, much appreciated, but until I see much better quality of details, I will have to stand by my agreement to disagree with you. Good day and good night.
He’s just waiting for the perfect moment, you can have a good relationship and respectful one with someone younger than you where that person can seek for advice and if you see them on the streets you can say hello, but to start hanging out and telling that person who’s 15 years younger than you to have a relationship is not a good sign because he already told you he can wait for you to turn 17-18 to finally start asking for nudes and taking a more “aggressive “ approach on how to convince into having a relationship
You need to give up. He is not going to change. He is lucky, if it was me in your shoes, I would have called the police and called him the useless thief he is.
I hope you've changed your bank passwords, email passwords, literally any passwords. Message him if he sells anything from the home, you will charge him with theft. Its the next thing he will do, sell any jewellery or anything of value to pay for his addiction.
Stop enabling him. Stop making excuses. You need a lawyer to sort out the situation with the flat ownership. It might need to be sold and any profit split between you. Then you need to block him from your life and move on.
He will not change. He has blown through a truck ton of money. He will drag you down. It is time to call this done.
You're fucking right I do lmao. Thanks
Hey shaddap. As a former doormat like this guy well, you’re right. I really wanted to punch past me in the face.
That’s not necessarily true. Some people, myself included, initiate distance as a means of preparing for the right moment to break the news.
This was the strategy in my last breakup. I became more distant as I gathered the strength, planning to exit.
Things take time. Planning a breakup, the aftermath, and preparing emotionally to leave someone is nude. Typically this manifests in distance.
Let the trash take itself out. He has no sense of humour and is need for public respect borders on the unhinged.
Weddings outside of the country are difficult to have legally recognized in the states. We planned on just going to court one day, but never got around to it
You’re soooooooo right. My ex accused me of flirting/liking someone in our (well, my) friend group only for him to get caught with tinder on his phone on top of sexts on snap chat
Oh no you're lost. Man is controlling who you talk to AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, does not trust you but for some reason, you took that as a sign to say yes to marrying him. I'm baffled at the things some of you tolerate tbh.
People don't change. Who she was when she was riding the carousel is still who she is now that she's with you. She's hidden her past from you and has no problem lying to you. Yeah you may love her but she's bad news. What more do you need? To catch her in bed with someone? That's the likely outcome of this.
Sunk cost fallacy
You're not his mommy, break up please.
I feel so lighter too!
Bro, if she doesn’t reach out to you in 3 days, I would say it’s safe to assume you’re single. She’s 31 and goes radio silent when you have an argument? This behavior is abusive. Don’t chase her when she’s in the wrong.
Give her a few days and if you don’t hear from her, end it. This is not the future you want.
I think you are right but I feel guilty Bec I was know about it And I didn't back down is that count as cheating? Should I feel that way ?
It sounds like you’re doing your best right now. Moving is considered one of the number one stressors and then add to that you’re blending your families.
I hope you’re able to work it out.
I was a little annoyed by the naivety of you and her. I would recommend. affordable coach for her if you can find it. If it is not possible then yeah it’s nor naivety and counseling otherwise
I will approach him by saying “Hey, there’s been a couple things on my mind lately and I would really appreciate it if we could talk about it soon.” And then we both pick a day/time to get together and talk about it. So he’s usually aware before these conversations happen, but still every time it’s always me doing the talking.
And even after all the AITA comments, you're still making lame excuses for mom and attempting to justify what you did.
You need to either breakup with your current partner or cut the ex off completely from your life. You can't have both while maintaining any degree of personal integrity.