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I wish I had a better update but unfortunately I am in a much worse place than I was when I first posted.
I tried to talk to my husband in an open, nonjudgemental way but he would not open up at all about where he met Jackie, when and why he was so close to her.
He got very upset. kept telling me he was allowed to have friends, I was trying to explain to him that of course he was, but his defensiveness and lack of openness about it all was incredibly concerning. He refused to give any more information, and said that my lack of faith in him was concerning to him.
Ultimately we just continued to fight and nothing got resolved. He just seems fixated that this is about me not letting him have friends. He is not seeing my point as to why the friendship upsets me.
My sister has a mutual friend with Jackie. My sister is going to look at her social media to see if she can get any answers.
Oh my dude…respectfully WHAT were you doing on her my eyes only. That is a MUCH bigger issue than if she has sent other guys nudes before (which shouldn’t be an issue at all). If I found out my boyfriend of a month was snooping on my phone I would dumb him so fast…
You need to learn how to communicate with her the way she communicates. Ideally you'll eventually meet each other half way, but you'll never get that point across until you can communicate in her language.
You already adjust how you communicate depending on who you're talking to. You don't explain things to your grandparents or to a little child the same way you do to your best friend do you?
Can you give an example of something you tried to discuss recently, and what you said to bring it up (I'm looking for a script)
Honestly, I get your feelings on this issue. But you've found this out very early on in the boys life and thats a great thing for everyone involved.
If he isn't yours, you need to consider your future first and foremost. You're going to meet someone else and settle down and start a proper family in the future. Maintaining a responsibilty for the child that isn't yours is going to be a millstone around your neck for the next 18 years. Child support is going to damn near bankrupt you and keep that horrible girl in your life forever. All of this will hamper your ability to move on and forge a path for your future partner and family.
Your soon-to-be-ex still has an ongoing relationship with the potential father and the boy is young enough that you can make a clean break without doing any lasting damage to them emotionally. It also gives the child the best start at having a “normal” family life without the lingering complications of multiple men in his life and the questions that will arise from it.
It's honestly best for all involved, I know it's hard though.
I met my boyfriend a few weeks before my mom got cancer and because of Covid I couldn’t see him in person since the chemo immunocompromised my mom. We stayed in touch on snap and messenger but the whole dating thing was put on the back burner while I moved in to take care of her. She died after three months and about three weeks later I picked up contact with him and it was really nice having something and someone to distract me from all the grief. We’ve been together for over a year now and although it was a bit weird in the beginning we’re really happy now. So it could all turn out ok if you really like each other. So keep in touch and support him, but don’t be needy and give him space and a little extra understanding if he needs it.
Most people wouldn't be super excited by a person who has a flirty relationship full of in jokes with their SO, regardless of any past relationship. Also, if your SO heads out to hang out and have drinks with someone who is flirting with them any time you have a fight, well, the issue is in that relationship and not in having an ex.
The reservations are understandable, but if a person's ex is part of their friend group it's really impossible to not interact with them. There's a difference between going to a bbq thrown by a mutual friend who has also invited your ex, and having late night drinks at a bar with only your ex.
Ok, well consider the fact that having children has a negative relationship with a woman's income potential AND GUESS WHAT? Still a fair assumption that the man will be paying child support.
If you want to be rid of the entire group, this is it. Saying something that crude and cruel to him in front of your friend group will definitely alienate you from all of them. They will see you as overreacting and just mean.
This sounds harsh but please don’t raise a son with this “man”. He can’t be a good father if he isn’t a good husband and if you let him raise this child with you he will corrupt any sense of masculinity and personality that he will grow up to have. He locked you, his healing postpartum wife, out of the bedroom you share so he can have a hissy. He pulled his shenanigans at the hospital around witnesses. He will escalate. Don’t put you or your son through this. Call the lawyer.
Exactly. Likely she may not have any debt to worry about and no one else to worry about supporting and it would be like a fresh start for her to get out of that situation
Your GF (any friends) should enable you to lead the best version of your life. Clearly she failed.
Dating should not require a lot of effort to make it work.
It's not about John it's something deeply wrong with your GF tolerating him, failure to protect you, and living in a gaming world where self worth is tied to a game.
You guys are not a good match. Placing blame is unnecessary.
The world is full of wonderful people don't settle for less.
I suggest a clean break up. And don't hesitate to let her know you're angry (but stay civil). Tell her you tired of her, her sister and John's BS.
Yea she's a bit of an unhinged POS but…I think she's telling the truth. This dude must be on cloud 9 – 2 stupid girls letting him run wild and giving him full access to their bodies. Come on girl you're letting the team down.
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If you can't ever trust her then yes, leave her. If you ask what is reasonable in such dituation however, this is a different matter.
She was drunk, this I can guarantee can make people do things they would never do while sober. People also react differently to being drunk.
Personally, I don't think this alone should lose your trust to her permanently. Your trust to her staying faithful while heavily drunk though, should be lost forever. With that said as long as she agrees to stop getting drunk it should be fine. If she really likes it you could still get drunk in a safe environment only when in safe environment with you, and only close friends present.
There is no reason to distrust her sober self so far, right? If she agrees to stay sober outside of very specific situations, I would try to get over this, and give her the benefit of the doubt. Stop going through her messages, and closely control her behaviour in general. Perhaps therapy and/or couple counselling may be able to help in this.
I’m sorry, but WTF is wrong with your BF, and who does he feel the need to trivialise your pain or discomfort with idiotic arguments?
My husband and I have been together for 6 years. He is as strong and healthy as they come and has only been sick twice since we started dating, while I suffer from chronic pain and seem to catch every single virus going around. Still, he has never – NOT EVEN ONCE – been so callous or dismissed my pain “because other people have it so much worse”. If I am unwell, he usually just herds me over to the sofa, gets me meds and a blanket/heating pad/cup of tea/box of tissues/anything else I might need, and picks up on my slack until I am better, regardless of whether it takes two hours or a week for me to be back on my feet. And guess what – that’s what I do when he’s unwell, because that’s how you take care of your partner when they are not feeling well!
OP, if I were you I would seriously consider whether this is the kind of relationship you want to stay in long-term. Will he be like this every time you are unwell, for any reason? What if you get pregnant? And what about a serious illness later down the line, like (god forbid) cancer? Will he legitimise your pain then?
Incredibly believable that, instead of, you know, working with your husband on his emotional capabilities, your therapist straight up told you that you have to seek emotional support in someone else.
And that statement about “it's not okay to expect blah-blah-blah” alone should be a valid reason for your therapist to loose their license.
Marriage is a partnership. Not a half of a car given to you to find another half. A couples therapist who suggests seeking someone else instead of actually working on an issue is just trash. Honestly.
You weren't 100 percent on board and enthusiastic about it. Any kind of ethical non monogamy should be agreed upon with full enthusiasm from both partners. Anything less than that will lead to resentment and heartache.
You and your friends are the red flags , he needs to get tf away from you .
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I wish I had a better update but unfortunately I am in a much worse place than I was when I first posted.
I tried to talk to my husband in an open, nonjudgemental way but he would not open up at all about where he met Jackie, when and why he was so close to her.
He got very upset. kept telling me he was allowed to have friends, I was trying to explain to him that of course he was, but his defensiveness and lack of openness about it all was incredibly concerning. He refused to give any more information, and said that my lack of faith in him was concerning to him.
Ultimately we just continued to fight and nothing got resolved. He just seems fixated that this is about me not letting him have friends. He is not seeing my point as to why the friendship upsets me.
My sister has a mutual friend with Jackie. My sister is going to look at her social media to see if she can get any answers.
My man is stumbling across stripper babies the way the rest of us find unmatched socks.
Oh my dude…respectfully WHAT were you doing on her my eyes only. That is a MUCH bigger issue than if she has sent other guys nudes before (which shouldn’t be an issue at all). If I found out my boyfriend of a month was snooping on my phone I would dumb him so fast…
Thank you! Your advice was extremely useful and reassured me a little
GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE.
You need to learn how to communicate with her the way she communicates. Ideally you'll eventually meet each other half way, but you'll never get that point across until you can communicate in her language.
You already adjust how you communicate depending on who you're talking to. You don't explain things to your grandparents or to a little child the same way you do to your best friend do you?
Can you give an example of something you tried to discuss recently, and what you said to bring it up (I'm looking for a script)
Which is pretty much covered by the “narcissistic creep that no one his own age will date him” part.
Honestly, I get your feelings on this issue. But you've found this out very early on in the boys life and thats a great thing for everyone involved.
If he isn't yours, you need to consider your future first and foremost. You're going to meet someone else and settle down and start a proper family in the future. Maintaining a responsibilty for the child that isn't yours is going to be a millstone around your neck for the next 18 years. Child support is going to damn near bankrupt you and keep that horrible girl in your life forever. All of this will hamper your ability to move on and forge a path for your future partner and family.
Your soon-to-be-ex still has an ongoing relationship with the potential father and the boy is young enough that you can make a clean break without doing any lasting damage to them emotionally. It also gives the child the best start at having a “normal” family life without the lingering complications of multiple men in his life and the questions that will arise from it.
It's honestly best for all involved, I know it's hard though.
I met my boyfriend a few weeks before my mom got cancer and because of Covid I couldn’t see him in person since the chemo immunocompromised my mom. We stayed in touch on snap and messenger but the whole dating thing was put on the back burner while I moved in to take care of her. She died after three months and about three weeks later I picked up contact with him and it was really nice having something and someone to distract me from all the grief. We’ve been together for over a year now and although it was a bit weird in the beginning we’re really happy now. So it could all turn out ok if you really like each other. So keep in touch and support him, but don’t be needy and give him space and a little extra understanding if he needs it.
She needs professional help, try and get her to get some, it's exhausting for you dealing with a person like this.
Don't ghost her, tell her you can't cope with her emotional dumping, she needs to be doing that with a therapist
I just had to read your title and I can tell you this… Dump him.
He's lying to you
Most people wouldn't be super excited by a person who has a flirty relationship full of in jokes with their SO, regardless of any past relationship. Also, if your SO heads out to hang out and have drinks with someone who is flirting with them any time you have a fight, well, the issue is in that relationship and not in having an ex.
The reservations are understandable, but if a person's ex is part of their friend group it's really impossible to not interact with them. There's a difference between going to a bbq thrown by a mutual friend who has also invited your ex, and having late night drinks at a bar with only your ex.
We live in a small country and Latin America and government services are in short order here.
The university idea might actually be doable though.
At least he’s honest.
Follow this advice if you want to be as salty and socially inept as this person.
Ok, well consider the fact that having children has a negative relationship with a woman's income potential AND GUESS WHAT? Still a fair assumption that the man will be paying child support.
Its clearly NOT ok with OP.
Get a new job. Why stay in an abusive situation when you’re free to leave?
I'm so sorry. She is definitely his sugar baby.
If you want to be rid of the entire group, this is it. Saying something that crude and cruel to him in front of your friend group will definitely alienate you from all of them. They will see you as overreacting and just mean.
This sounds harsh but please don’t raise a son with this “man”. He can’t be a good father if he isn’t a good husband and if you let him raise this child with you he will corrupt any sense of masculinity and personality that he will grow up to have. He locked you, his healing postpartum wife, out of the bedroom you share so he can have a hissy. He pulled his shenanigans at the hospital around witnesses. He will escalate. Don’t put you or your son through this. Call the lawyer.
Exactly. Likely she may not have any debt to worry about and no one else to worry about supporting and it would be like a fresh start for her to get out of that situation
Lol raising kids is entirely a different thing
Your GF (any friends) should enable you to lead the best version of your life. Clearly she failed.
Dating should not require a lot of effort to make it work.
It's not about John it's something deeply wrong with your GF tolerating him, failure to protect you, and living in a gaming world where self worth is tied to a game.
You guys are not a good match. Placing blame is unnecessary.
The world is full of wonderful people don't settle for less.
I suggest a clean break up. And don't hesitate to let her know you're angry (but stay civil). Tell her you tired of her, her sister and John's BS.
Ghost and block this toxic bunch.
Yea she's a bit of an unhinged POS but…I think she's telling the truth. This dude must be on cloud 9 – 2 stupid girls letting him run wild and giving him full access to their bodies. Come on girl you're letting the team down.
“I'm flattered you feel that way, but I don't feel the same.”
Per the sidebar: All submissions must request advice on a specific situation between two or more people. No submissions giving advice, no links, no youtube videos, hypotheticals, general discussion/DAE/polls, adverts, or spam.
Fair enough
Emotional cheating is still a real thing and can lead to more.
If you have doubts, get tested for std's. Its your life.
If you can't ever trust her then yes, leave her. If you ask what is reasonable in such dituation however, this is a different matter.
She was drunk, this I can guarantee can make people do things they would never do while sober. People also react differently to being drunk.
Personally, I don't think this alone should lose your trust to her permanently. Your trust to her staying faithful while heavily drunk though, should be lost forever. With that said as long as she agrees to stop getting drunk it should be fine. If she really likes it you could still get drunk in a safe environment only when in safe environment with you, and only close friends present.
There is no reason to distrust her sober self so far, right? If she agrees to stay sober outside of very specific situations, I would try to get over this, and give her the benefit of the doubt. Stop going through her messages, and closely control her behaviour in general. Perhaps therapy and/or couple counselling may be able to help in this.
I’m sorry, but WTF is wrong with your BF, and who does he feel the need to trivialise your pain or discomfort with idiotic arguments?
My husband and I have been together for 6 years. He is as strong and healthy as they come and has only been sick twice since we started dating, while I suffer from chronic pain and seem to catch every single virus going around. Still, he has never – NOT EVEN ONCE – been so callous or dismissed my pain “because other people have it so much worse”. If I am unwell, he usually just herds me over to the sofa, gets me meds and a blanket/heating pad/cup of tea/box of tissues/anything else I might need, and picks up on my slack until I am better, regardless of whether it takes two hours or a week for me to be back on my feet. And guess what – that’s what I do when he’s unwell, because that’s how you take care of your partner when they are not feeling well!
OP, if I were you I would seriously consider whether this is the kind of relationship you want to stay in long-term. Will he be like this every time you are unwell, for any reason? What if you get pregnant? And what about a serious illness later down the line, like (god forbid) cancer? Will he legitimise your pain then?
Believable. Truly.
Incredibly believable that, instead of, you know, working with your husband on his emotional capabilities, your therapist straight up told you that you have to seek emotional support in someone else.
And that statement about “it's not okay to expect blah-blah-blah” alone should be a valid reason for your therapist to loose their license.
Marriage is a partnership. Not a half of a car given to you to find another half. A couples therapist who suggests seeking someone else instead of actually working on an issue is just trash. Honestly.
What a shitshow.
You weren't 100 percent on board and enthusiastic about it. Any kind of ethical non monogamy should be agreed upon with full enthusiasm from both partners. Anything less than that will lead to resentment and heartache.