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Willa, 19 y.o.
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That is fucking disgusting. He didn't tell you because he knows you wouldn't be okay with it. Please divorce him, this is a major breach of trust!
Would you be open to talking to your wife about them staying for 3 months, for her to have a 1-2 week vacation with them in a cheaper area, maybe out of the city in a hotel or airbnb, if that is possible so they can have time together too and then they can come back for 1 more week before flying out.
Another option would potentially being for them to go with your wife and/or you to smaller areas if you can. Maybe they can stay in a hotel or hostel somewhere in France for a long weekend, so you can have some space. This way you don't feel overcrowded the entire time and it would give them a chance to travel if they haven't done so already. It would be cheaper than renting another apartment. Maybe getting them out of the apartment, especially if you wfh would help and maybe get it extended a few extra weeks. I agree though, 6 months outside of a housing emergency situation is a long time to take a vacation and stay in someone's small apartment.
My guess is that you are not the only one and he does this a lot. You don't know what he has or hasn't told her or what else is going on
I'm not sure what you will gain by telling her. She clearly believes what she wants to believe and could easily write your confession off as jealousy.
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You're being overly sensitive. It's a simple choice between one ruined eve and two.
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Well are you comfortable with her doing cocaine?
You seem to be a bit obsessed with appearances. It’s not a bad thing to want to look and feel confident and attractive. But it sounds like this has become the one thing, not part of a whole.
People are the sum of their actions and their thoughts. Those who put the primary energy on a narrow focus can be shallow. You talk a lot about the women you are dating as being shallow, but you didn’t talk about what you are bringing to the relationship. What do you talk about? What kind of woman are you looking for and is that kind of woman going to be attracted to you? Not your appearance, but the you inside.
You were willing to put in the effort to identify and obtain the physique you wanted. Now see if you are willing to identify and obtain the kind of relationship you want.
You aren’t the one who should be embarrassed. He should.
Honestly, the whole thing sounds shady!
He doesn’t want to, probably feels there’s no upside for him. Also may be a red flag that living apart still allows him the possibility to cheat
Okay so first of all I don’t understand where these partners (usually the female based purely on these Reddit posts) get off telling the other person to go somewhere else for a few days every time they get a little bit upset. That’s not how a healthy relationship works. You can’t sleep in your own bed because she’s mad? Nah screw that. She can go sleep elsewhere.
(No even if she “owns the place” she doesn’t get to do that unless she wants a dicorce, in which case my only advice to HER would be to grow up)
Maybe a different state or city then?
Hindsight is 20/20. If I were to do it again, I'd start with the most romantic pics we took and went from there.
And yeah, I was super confused about the brother situation. They seemed to be really close and thinking back on it, it might have been something they got a kick out of.
Absolutely tell her. I for sure know I'dwant to know if my partner was cheating. It's not even about revenge, just help another lady out to figure out the truth of the scumbag she's dating.
My guy… cheating means doing something sexual with another person while in a relationship. Context and nuance does not change the definition. You cheated on her, straight up!
Even if I were to play devil's advocate for you, you are still in the wrong here because offense is taken, not given. Your girlfriend feels cheated on and will likely react accordingly. It is not your place to tell her how to feel about it! You can cry until the cow's come home about your “context” but she will most likely break up with you because she feels cheated on.
Words are easy, how does he show you? that's the acid test
You know how many men would literally kill for this? Never change.
“However a few days ago her fiance came over and just lost it at me. He didn't understand why I told her and claimed that if I loved her I would take that secret to the grave. “
The problem with this thinking is that it's not really a secret. Scarlett already knows there is something up with her DNA and Ancestry is pretty extensive. She would have uncovered a ton of other information. You can not hide family secrets anymore in this age of DNA.
I understand the need to not tell a kid the truth 20 years ago. Back then, the thought of sending in your spit to a website was not even a thing. Now we have tons of family secrets coming out that were supposed to be secrets due to DNA testing.
I honestly think that when there is a secret this deep, it is probably better to tell the kids when they are kids. They do not know any better and it would be “normal” for them. When they are adults, they feel betrayed and lied to (rightfully so).
Why do adults try to protect children by withholding information that would not really even harm them as children?
You need to give her space and let her vent and come to terms with what you told her and then you need to reconcile with her, apologize, and do whatever it takes.
Yep. This happens.
OP, this woman's life is a nude mess and there's no way for anyone here to know what's true and what's not about this financial support and this house that's allegedly in her name. She's not wrong that 10 months isn't enough to make you part of the “family”. But whether she's this guy's mistress or just a woman trying desperately to maintain custody of a child she shares with a man rich enough to hire a lot of lawyers, she's not going to upend her ability to feed/shelter her kid just because you put your “foot down”. You're new to this chaotic situation and unless you can buy her a house and support “Remy” she's not about to upset this precarious apple cart she's built for herself. So if you want to keep dating her you'll stop arguing about this. If you want to online a more honest life with a more transparent partner you'll maybe find someone whose means of support are a little less opaque.
Dude. Grow a pair. Who cares
A wedding is NOT private information. It's public information. To help prevent bigamy, other legal and moral deceits etc.
It's always been open and public information.
That's why banns are read and posted, why you have to have witnesses.
OP, lock your credit. Keep your finances separate.
What you do next is your choice.
If I were you, I'd be tempted to send a singing telegram to his work, together with a massive bouquet, and a big cake with a photo of you both on your wedding day. Also include an oversized card and balloon with love from your wife.
Does he have a birthday or wedding anniversary coming up?
That’s what my gut was telling me, thank you I’ll have a talk with her.
Really nasty and passive aggressive behavior, might be time to upgrade to a better GF
There is a lot of terrible advice out there but this is superb advice!!!! It would solve 90% of problems!!!!
You could make her life very exciting by throwing her out of your apartment. She likes chaos. Give her chaos. Really I wouldn’t continue with her. She settled for you.
Autogynophile
?? this comment is an edit. The initial comment was different and less than half the length.
I mean I’ve taken off and put on some seriously weird things after getting home drunk lol but fully hot is definitely super weird.
Y’all have been together during some of the most transformative years of your life. It’s very natural to grow apart.
If you keep asking for things and he agrees to them but never follows through, he’s making it pretty clear that he’s not interested in putting the work in.
Don’t stay with him for convenience or to keep the friend group whole; It is way worse to be with someone who doesn’t want you for an extra six months, and honestly just totally unfair to him.
You gotta be the mature one here and either end it or make it clear what you need from him and tell him that without real change you’re gonna need to leave.
It really sounds like he’s holding you back. There’s relationships I had at 20 that felt world shattering to end(friend groups split, he struggled to get back on his feet, he was the only person I ever loved). But I’m 24 and I truly have no regrets and barely think of him now.
Sure being with someone else isn’t wrong but lying about it was. He said he was out with friends when he was actually out on a date. This may have been when she asked if that night was good for their date.
Thank you all for your honest, solid feedback. What I have with my wife is priceless. She is the most amazing woman I know.
I let myself fantasize too much and I agree that pornography is a problem.
I want to make this right.
So it sounds like the game plan is to:
stop talking to/interacting with this woman (which I honestly hate even writing that because she feels so special, but I know I have to make sacrifices for the most important thing in my life. I remember intentionally thinking, “her name” is my girlfriend. I know I have problems. I have underlying self-centered, selfish tendencies, which will need to be solved in therapy).
Fix my marriage (which takes hot work, patience and focus)
A. Couples counseling B. Individual counseling C. Invest more of my energy, excitement, flirting, seducing towards and into my wife
Dump him. He sounds exhausting, violent, lazy, and verbally abusive. Not sure what he's bringing to the table here.
I can control the amount I drink just not how I act small but important difference
why is it off-putting?
It's pretty sad you feel like you need to check his phone however you should definitely bring it up. His behaviour is gross and its a major breach of trust.
Well you sound very mature about it. You got your head on straight. You don’t need us. Listen to yourself.
If you are 26 and immature; he is 44 and a groomer. He groomed you, for sure. And now he is gaslighting you in accepting bS behaviors.
Tried to send you a comment – it refused to go so will send you a short version.
This is all very sad – and I agree that you will split up soon if nothing is done.
However – to me it sound very much that you brought this on your own. You have a very clear line what you want out of a relationship. So in stead of building a true partnership you told him what you wanted – and more or less gave him the line my way. When you do that you are the dominant one in your relationship (the “mom”) and you give the orders. He does not participate as all the stuff is something you dictates.
As he do not care about it he builds up a standard answer – I am dumb and lazy (wonder where he got that line). You have to a large extend freed him from any responsibility. He does what you tell him with a direct order – and does not bother about it otherwise.
I am not sure he will be too unhappy if you brake up – sad – probably – but he is clearly not living the life he wanted.
You decided you were the boss – subconsciously I guess – and now when it is not working you start thinking about where can I find a perfect version of my boyfriend.
If you think that is easy – please go ahead – a handsome, sweet, smart, loyal and at least at work and in his hobbies driven and passionate men are probably very common. (Apart from all the other girls that might think differently)
Sorry about being very blunt – but think it is important to remind you it takes two to tango – and it sometimes is easier to change the steps but finding a new partner. —-
That said – I fully agree that when you are not getting what you expected in a relationship you get hurt. And repeated hurts through the years kills relationships.
His behaviour is not good and although I understand where he is coming from – he is not really making an effort.
I saw somewhere that open toilet covers destroy more relationships then cheating. Although this was not precisely the same case – he is clearly not living up to your expectations in any way or form. If this does not change – I agree – your relationship is doomed.
One thing to remember – the only thing you control is your own behaviour. A second thing is that to do the same thing and expect different results is madness.
So you need to try something new if you do not want just to call it the day and give up. He is clearly stuck in his own loop.
My suggestion would be to clarify to yourself that you have only two solutions.
One is as follows: Do nothing or the same will just kill the relationship – and then you can just as well start planing to stop the relationship now. No reason to continue.
The second is a lot of work: Start rebuilding the relationship. Plan communication dates (not meeting – that will just be bad – candlelight, drink and such) where you agree on open, honest, tolerant, respectful and KIND communication about how to improve your relationship.
Start from a fresh where you accept things are not working but try to figure out why. Do not boss but try to find out his expectations and how he like to have things. Both of you need to WRITE down you expectations to each other, to your self and to the relationship. If you are wildly iff in your expectations then it is lost – however if you can decide on a middle road – you might have a chance. Remember this is a true agreement – so be open – how are you two going to have similar expectations to your relationship.
If you agree about that start in the same way to discuss how you are going to change behaviour to get your outcome. Small things first define them, both suggest solutions (get his first) , write it down and try to implement them. Discuss beat FOLLOW up. If this works – do the next thing and again and again!
Hopefully this can be usefull!
Finally – sorry about being a bit hot in the start – but really you were both part of developing these habits that are killing your relationship.
I hope the best – and finally let me say that I think you sounds like a wonderful woman that really wants all the best for her bf – but got stuck in a hell loop of unfulfilled expectations. We have all been in one way or another where you are. Best of all!
Compare notes with her husband, if she has one.
That'll do it.
youre not sexually compatible. And neither of you seems to be empathetic to the other.
control.
If the guilt of not telling her bothers you, then tell her. But the stuff you did was so minor. Where I online, those “crimes” are a daily occurrence and are normal. I doubt she'll view it as a big deal.
It sounds like there's some depression going on for both of you. You both sound really apathetic and lifeless. Do you work from home? Do you have a social life, vacations, dates? You have to start there. Fix the underlying issues. Usually the sex will come along after.
Ten years together is hot. It can get monotonous and boring. And with a global pandemic, well, that just doesn't help things. Deal with the depression, work on getting the spark back, and worry about sex later.