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This doesn’t sound promising. She’s made it clear she’s not willing to do the work to be what you think of as a family. You seem willing to compromise by living in 2 places so she doesn’t have to be bothered with your kid then she raises the bar by wishing you and your ex never had her (I don’t know what else to think she meant by her comment). Unless your daughter has serious behavioral issues, your partner seems to be very uncompromising and wants everything her way. I think willingness to be reasonable is key to a happy and successful partnership and I’m not getting that vibe here.
This is a huge problem OP. You and he seem to have had a very close relationship previously, and trust. Suddenly, he has brought another person and entity into it. You have a lot of maturity, you know what you want and don't. Fiance is getting into dangerous waters here; he seems to be insecure and not of his own mind now. Why does he need the Bible and a pastor to tell him what is moral and not? Your values are not aligning. YOu should be up front about this, and tell him exactly what you wrote in this last paragraph.
This reply has weird vibes. I personally have a similar set up (little to no contact with my siblings, my wife is one of my very few best friends), but I think this is an bizarre worldview that only insecure people could possibly want more than one good friend besides their spouse.
Bipolarity has no cure, it can only be managed
Your MIL has no idea if her son can even produce children! None. He could have a low sperm count or have a very hot time getting an erection. Would it be okay to blame your husband if y'all couldn't have children? No. She sounds horrid and unsympathetic to circumstance completely out of your control.
I lost my first husband when I was 29….If I could have him like you, I would have taken him that way no matter what. I'm sure your husband is beyond thankful that you are still with him.
Please tell him and don't let that horrible woman cause any hidden feelings between you two.
Big , healing hugs.
Why do you want to get over it? It's blatant disrespect and this is coming from a female. She lied to you about it too so idk man, don't be doormat.
Thanks for your insight. Will definitely keep this in mind! ?
Aw man. As a woman who was assaulted by quite a few men as a teenager, this makes me very sad.
This guy, based on the above story, is a very obvious threat to underage girls. I’d be EXTREMELY surprised if he hasn’t at least attempted to meet with underage girls. A 14yo has just recently started secondary school. And this fully grown man is comfortable and confident enough to talk about his attraction to her. You call that ‘interpersonal drama’?
You’re right that this kinda thing happens every day. Just as murders, rapes, attacks happen every day. What’s your point with that, though? I have a lot of trauma, at 28, which costs a lot of money and time to deal with, as a result of being taken advantage of by men at a young age. This trauma and anger also affects the people around me. It’s a fairly big and fucked up thing, so i honestly can’t understand how you’d be so dismissive of it.
And if you think that he’s ‘just saying things’, then you are very wrong. Most of the creepy men I’ve encountered would not have the balls to say that around their friends, and they were actively engaging and meeting with teenagers
Soon to be ex-husband*
You are obviously uncomfortable with it. You are allowed to have boundaries. You don't know her or what her intentions are. You can't tell him or anyone what to do but it is absolutely appropriate for you to have the expectation that your bf would respect your reasonable, clearly stated boundary.
15 year old here. those are just the cards that he’s been deal, and the ones that your son will have to deal with. i’m 5”11/178 cm and i’m a little above average, at least with the people i hang around, but i know a kid that’s 5”2. We make fun of him a little but he has no problems being a normal guy. The only issue he might face, just like your son, is girls. That’s because sometimes there is a “too short” and 5”1 is probably in that region. Most girls our age are around 5”3-5”6, so reasonably shorter than most guys, but at 5”1, that might be a turn off for girls. However, that doesn’t mean your son can’t be a normal person. Like i said before, my friend is a normal person. He is the funniest, most hilarious, and intelligent guy out there. He will have no problems living a happy life, as long as he doesn’t get in his own head. Your son and my friend will be just fine as long as they don’t let their lack of height stop them. He will just have to make up for it a differnt way, maybe by being really smart, or funny, or interesting, or romantic, or whatever they need to do and they will find partners and friends.
Consequences of telling her current BF that she's been cheating on him with you?
You both might die. He might literally take a gun and shoot both of you in the face.
But she doesn’t online or work there. She is choosing to go to parties. She is choosing to get black out drunk and high. She is choosing to be around friends who do not look out for her.
Your answer is to look at the age difference. Ofc you’re both on different page. Just tell her the truth. Also looks like shes trying to manipulate you and has been doing that for a looooong time (changing clothes etc). OP you started dating when you were 18 and 23. These ages have different mindsets. Try something like:
We are not compatible, I like to party, drink etc. (OP you’re young for settling down and its normal to do these things at your age) You want somebody who’s more kept to themselfes. But if you’d truly loved me you would not try to change me to your perfection. You need somebody who’s gonna fullfil your believes and I’m not that person.
Just the truth.
You both need somebody thats loves you whole and not only 20% and tries to change the other 80%. Good luck with the break up
Just tell him this.
First decide whether you want to have a romantic relationship with her as this will decide whether you her down or lead her on.
If you want to ket her down nicely: “Are you saying that because you have a crush on me, because I’m sorry but I don’t feel that way”
If you want to be harsh so that she drops it “that’s so creepy for you to keep saying that”
If you want a neutral response that leaves the option of romance open “are you flirting with me?” (smile)
Why would she even suggest this without talking to him? It’s not even an option! They can’t even change their name without his consent, much less change their parental rights. She sounds completely irrational. Why is she rebelling against her ex adopting those children? Why is SHE mad about that?
Why isn’t she talking to her children about why he’s doing it, and how those children lost their father, teaching them compassion instead of competition?
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I think there would be a benefit in saying something instead of letting the resentment fester. However, do not expect them to apologize or change at all.
I didn't get over it. After the first time I forgave. And guess what? He kept doing it. The trust was gone for three years but I stayed in it way top long. The onus isn't on you to rebuild trust. It's on him to show he is trustworthy.
Getting divorced now. Should have left the first time but heh ho, my self esteem had been in hiding since childhood. How's yours?
He never pressures me for sex. I have a good sex drive
Thank you for your feedback. He does feel loved.
I’m not saying what she did was right, I’m saying it’s understandable given the situation, especially as someone who’s been cheated on before. It changes how you view relationships
I don’t feel respected at all and afraid about what will happen in the future
You should be afraid of what's already happened and is still happening, my guy!
You already have a dog and a MIL living with you against your wishes – that would be more than enough for me to bail on such a selfish partner.
I think the question is more for yourself. Do you have enough respect for yourself to protect your own body / mental health ?
Do you feel terrible for what you did?
Young and dumb is not an excuse!
literally at this point either move the damn bowls or move out. clearly she’s not gonna change what she’s doing, continuing to complain about it isn’t doing anything to help the cats
He’s a pathological liar. Trust is the Foundation of a relationship. Leave him. You dont want to be with someone who cant be real with you.
Yeah, no shit you've changed. You've been with him since you were a child, and no, we won't move past that, because that's the core of your problem. He wants someone to control and manipulate. That's why he went after you when you were a kid. Now you've grown up, and he's realizing that you're an adult now, and adults are harder to control. So now he's mad. And he's going to keep being mad, because he has impossible standards. The only way to make it stop is to leave before he gets worse.
I mean.. it sounds like he was pretty clear about not wanting the baby. What did you expect?
I’d disagree on a couple points but agree OP should let her ex move on and needs to work on herself— and do it away from the person she’s already hurt.
Lots of people cheat because they have unhappiness/issues inside themselves (or their relationship, but in this case sounds like within OP). Yes, that means going for the rush and the good feelings, but people often pursue those good feelings because they lack the security to produce them from within a mature, stable, loving (but settled, and not as exciting) relationship.
In my opinion, it’s not even that committed, healthy relationships are unexciting. They’re a different proportion of excitement— the amount that’s sustainable while maintaining a good and stable life. But, a new relationship gives us a blank check to reinvent ourselves and be the self-improved version we were just too disengaged to become in a stable setting. People get self-defeating, complacent, even unaccountable in a long-term relationship— and sometimes our relationships involve dynamics that don’t work the best for us that seem like harder work to change than it would be to restart. Sometimes that might be true, sometimes we just rationalize our lack of desire to put the work in.
Also, self-doubt isn’t needed to make a relationship with some older creep trying to pick off people in existing relationships toxic. There’s a good chance part of what OP needs to reflect and work on (while not dating or pestering her ex) is whatever in her might have been susceptible to toxic flattery, manipulation, etc in the first place— in comments she says she wrote off or rationalized many red flags. She did that for some reason, and her life will be better and more stable if she investigates that. Healthy people stay away from people who do weird, creepy, or inappropriate shit (even if cloaked in compliments and flattery) in the name of getting their attention.
Also— ignoring the damage it would likely do to her ex if she got back with him, it’s also not healthy or respectful of someone you care about to let them compromise their own boundaries and well-being to try and give you a shred of the good feelings you want again that they’d offered you in the past. Learning to care about people in a mature way means recognizing when what you want with them would be unhealthy, even if it would offer you security or make you feel better.
It’s also not good for your own healing. If you seriously work on yourself, you will become someone who can be relied on even when a flirt/badboy/creep comes to push your buttons— if you give into shortcuts and disrespectfully-produced validation (like being with your ex if he took you back even if it hurt him), you might not get there in good time, and some people never do.
That said, OP, sounds like you’re correctly taking time for yourself to heal and work out what got you here on your own. Therapy, growth, self-development is all worth it. Commit and it will pay off.
I didn’t want to blame him. But he was to blame for the demise of our marriage right up until the point I started the emotional affair. I don’t hate myself for my decision, I just feel guilty for hurting anyone, even an abusive man.
During my PhD, we split everything 50-50 while giving her little sister a room in our apartment.
My salary is decent – well above the average salary where I am, a very good salary when converted to my home country's currency, and I am going to be able to save a decent amount. After the post-doc, I'll assess my CV and will pursue an academic career only if it looks promising. If not, I'll make a move to industry which will offer more stability and a higher salary.
Personally, this is why I don't date cops or anyone with a cop father. I don't have anything against the police and I'm not against them. But, they're pretty programmed into a worldview and not the most open people to have serious discussions with that deviate from their worldview.
Okay so firstly not to be negative but she has no guarantee she will get accepted onto her chosen masters. Secondly she should be looking into getting student loans to cover her living or look at the reality that no one can afford to online in London at the moment and she needs to online at home and commute etc.
I’m a teacher and I completed my masters in education part time whilst working. She needs to either work alongside her masters or have enough savings to cover her living allowance as your lifestyle should not be effected
No! What the heck is wrong with you? ?
Lol yea I kinda realize this Nathan guy isn’t a coworker or a friend with the “ rehearsing on not cheating” yea your are a shitty fiancé if you have to train yourself to not cheat. Cheating is one of the most shittys thing you can do to another human being outside of breaking the law. Fell for a troll post this whole time I was thinking this Nathan guy was a local attraction that you won’t let go and not some celebrity crush if that was the case then why don’t you edit your post and mention who this Nathan fielder is
“Hello sir, I would like to make a withdrawal from OPs bank?”
“No”
“He hasn't a problem being a bank for others so why not me?”
If someone insult anyone close(friend, usually) to me in game, I will usually stand up for them or just kick them from the group. Idk why your bf didn't do the same.
If you are in the states, joint custody is a thing.
I'm gonna go against the grain here. You both recently lost your mom. I don't know how long they were married before her passing, but you are living with him and it sounds like he sees you as a daughter. I feel like the guy you're seeing should understand this (especially if he was around when your mom passed) and be willing to at least stop in. Not a formal sit-down introduction to family, but to give your stepdad peace of mind.
In ten years, you will know more than one person who had to turn to family after leaving an abusive relationship with someone who seemed great on the first few dates. Would your stepdad be there for you if you ever needed him in that capacity? If yes, stop being a brat and have your boyfriend stop by. Or get your own place since you're fully independent and paying all the bills with an amazing career anyway.
Petit bitch goes HAM on big cock
I did this to my now husband, 9 days into our relationship, with my ex. I didn't tell him for 3 years because I was both terrified of losing him (we had been talking nonstop for a few weeks before we became official, we became very close very fast) and sick at the thought of hurting him with the knowledge of it. My husband was the sweetest, most loving person I had ever met but he was also completely inexperienced in relationships, and I was scared he'd get to know me better and decide he didn't want to be stuck with me forever, that he wanted to experience more. It was a horrible thing and I regretted it immediately, I actually drank for the first and only time in my life immediately afterwards. I was also 18 at the time, so I was very immature and so fucking dumb. I regret it every day and I'm very lucky he forgave me when I did finally tell him. It's a stain on our relationship that will never 100% go away. But we're still together today, married, 2 kids. 12 years together, I couldn't online without him. It's the biggest regret of my life. I'm sorry you're having to go through this.
I totally get it. I have borderline personality disorder and the abandonment issues are very very hot to shake. Sometimes when I'm feeling super irrational I just write it out in my journal and boom. Feelings have dispersed. Good luck to you!!
Ewww
You dodged a nuclear bomb
I thought about this to but OP says they are the same race and religious backgrounds. Just has “evidence hes not using her”. Like yeah totally suuuuure.
I would just let him go, no need to get involved in that circus anymore than you are.
You sound incredibly controlling and what you’re describing is financial abuse. To stay with you, he has to perpetually throw money into your investment without any return for himself. And you obviously don’t have a very high opinion of him or his prospects. You seem to see him as a charity case or an accessory, which isn’t fair to him. Let him go so he can find someone who respects him and won’t exploit him.
I'm not being nice with my words because you need to really think about this. Take off the rose tinted shades and really ponder on his actions.
You've only been with him for 7 months and he is already jerking off to other girls. Tbh I would go as far as to say he is giving rapey vibes. Did his ff consent to her pictures being jerked off to in this fashion? I would assume not, otherwise he would be dating her right now.
This is embarrassing at this point. Your boyfriend is sitting down with his phone, and editing photos of a non consenting woman onto a very hot body to jerk off to. That is disgusting, and shows there is something deeply concerning with his mental state. No normal man would do this. I wouldn't even be friends with someone like this, much less actually date him.
Please think about how this made you feel. How do you know he won't do it again? If anything this is just a lesson to him that he needs to be more careful next time to not get caught.
And why the hell does it matter if his female friend knows or not? He's STILL a cheater !!! It doesn't change the fact that he lied and cheated on you multiple times to your face. Lying by omission is still a lie
Wake up and smell the coffee OP.
It does sound as if he’s a big part of why you are moving there. You have only spent 6 days together. Maybe taking another trip there would help.
At least look online for some self-help resources for sexual trauma – there are lots of things you can do, if you do some research on how to cope with sexual trauma. There are also cheaper options like group sessions, video sessions, etc. It can all really help. I am sorry for what you are feeling right now
Implying that he can’t have a friend who is female without wanting to fuck her is controlling because you’re indirectly trying to control who he can and can’t spend time with, doesn’t matter how you try to spin it. Let me guess, you wouldn’t be having these problems in your marriage if he would just stop spending time with other girls, right? ?
I don’t know who needs to hear this ok I do and it’s you but your wife is the one who hurt you. The best revenge is living well.
I don't think your girlfriend's intent is to make you fee bad. More likely she is telling you that you're not “adulting”.
Mature 26 year old adults support themselves. They online independent lives and make their own decisions. The fact that you're leaning on your parents for financial support, living arrangements, even food says you need to start taking responsibility for yourself before you consider being a husband and/or a dad.
Start making attempts to be self sufficient. You've taken step one, having a job. Next, start educating yourself on the cost of living and budgeting. Take it from there. Best of luck to you.
He sucks so dump him but moving forward you really need to be honest about this. Of course he is probably wondering why you haven’t had sex yet if you haven’t given him the real reason.
As a nice guy it's very hot to fathom without this explanation but that is naive of me too.
And especially because he held her for several minutes. And she was crying during those minutes. He was totally wrong for doing this altogether but especially when he didn't let go right after she tried getting out of his grip and couldn't.
Your boyfriend is immature and is looking for a way out. He knew darn well about it.
I am so sorry you were raped. You shouldn't be with someone who acts like this.
I think that’s it. Thank you ??
I say this with the utmost compassion and zero snark – you should really speak to a therapist. Your head is in the right place here, acknowledging that this is your issue, not anyone else's – but your heart needs to catch up. I've never been in this particular situation, but I do have a good amount of experience living with this head/heart dichotomy and it is not easy! I imagine that were I in your shoes, I would feel very similarly. You suffered a profound loss that there is no getting over; the only thing you can do is adapt and try to move forward. It seems like your dad was preparing to have a conversation with you about this, but circumstances beat him to it. You shouldn't hold that against him, nor should you hold it against your SO who was put in an awkward position.
Sounds like anal and that's not as normal as you think. Even if it isn't, if you are uncomfortable, it's off limits. End of story. You need to tell him that.
M8, you’re still seeing this stuff in the START of a relationship. If she couldn’t hide it for that long, think about what other stuff will come out
You must not have a lot of work experience if you think the default is that she's getting paid because let me assure you that there are millions of businesses that are not paying their employees who work through lunchtime.
If a 54 years old is in better shape than a 26 years old then you must online the most sedentary life style ever
Just help the doors locked. Lock the bedroom door. Only unlock it when you leave, then lock it again before walking away. If there is no key for it, change the lock.
Do the same for the bathroom.
Neither Sancho or the child are your family.
You do not have to have anything to do with them.
Also how you describe the relationship is very unbalanced, it is more likely that your brother was bullied/guilted/ coerced into the “poly” relationship – as how you describe it he isn’t poly, he is monogamous, but his wife is poly.
But he likely will not do anything about it as he is too enamoured with his wife.
Yeah because he was like 5' 10″ at 17 and then now he's like 6' 4″, but his dad is tall so I just thought he was a late bloomer because even at 17 he couldn't grow facial hair and had a semi high pitch voice.
Why would the gf question it? OP should tell her exactly why he's removing himself from the situation, and break up with her if she doesn't fix it.
None of what OP has done is reasonable. He shouldn't be goading someone he calls a “bully” into bullying him just to show his gf. That's not how adults handle things.
I mean, have a conversation, but no money is worth you investing 3 or how ever many more months into a relationship. Getting in it deeper just makes it harder to get out. Maybe you have a friend or someone else who can use the ticket, but I wouldn't make that the primary reason to stay together. It's basically sunk cost fallacy, meaning that money is gone, so don't throw good after bad. Good luck. It all starts with the honest conversation. You need to admit the snooping while simultaneously not allowing him to shift blame onto you.
Oh, wow, i wonder how he'll feel about your body after you have kids.
I also find tattoos ugly on every human. I totally understand him.
well he asked me out, and he’s really sweet and caring besides the whole non communication part.
Age gap wasn’t the concern.
No no no, my relationships arent always struggle, but when struggle comes, because in life, shit happens, i know i got a team to face it. Not two douchebags trying to guess if their s.o is good enough because of said struggle.
So you have had relationships end. The problems (whatever they are) ended them. Struggling didn’t help. From your hesitation to end it, most likely they ended them. If you imply it’s you then realize your own contradiction. Ending was needed.
If you think making wise selections is being a ‘douchebag’ then you get the results of instability. If you haven’t figured out dating is about selecting the best SO. That’s fine. You can get the results of lesser.
Your objection is about worrying people would leave you during your struggles. If you have a problem you are bringing to the relationship. Deal with it first, then date.
In OP's post,she says her boyfriend himself called his addiction as such, and was very open about how it affects him.
Admitting it doesn’t imply he’s pursuing any changes. OP didn’t follow up with his declaration of therapy or other actions of reassurance.
Thats a strong step towards getting in therapy and fixing it,
No. OP would not be posting concerns if she felt positive action. People (including yourself) want to give the benefit of the doubt because a relationship is an investment. They post when those expectations aren’t being realized.
i'll repeat myself, you deserve to be abandonned at the first sign of weakness.
You can repeat bad advice and opinions constantly. It doesn’t change anything.
So he is so rubbish in bed that he isn't able to communicate his needs and desires, and instead blamed his partner? Doesn't sound very attractive to me.
I would tell her that a man, 15+ years older than her, with “good” Christian values, wouldn’t put her in that position.
If this is true love, he would wait until his divorced was finalized before kissing her.
She knows the morals, she knows what she is experienced is morally wrong (by her own definition).
From the outside we can all see what this man is doing, he’s using his status and age to manipulate an inexperienced young lady, who is keen to impress.
But at 19, with a bunch of romantic ideals and oxytocin running thru her brain, she doesn’t have the life experience to recognize what this situation is.
A manipulator taking advantage of a much younger victim.
next logical step is breaking up.
19 year olds be “But I can change him” or “He's mean….BUT TREATS ME LIKE IM SPECIAL sometimes”
Because you're the only one he can get. No offense OP but there is a reason he's not dating someone the same age as him, because he couldn't find one that would tolerate him.
This is not a you/dog problem, this is a HIM problem. He doesnt like dogs, plain and simple. His views on animals are disgusting as humans are animals too. Dogs think, feel and have intuition just as much as we do. If she has anxiety I guarantee he is making it much worse on her. Imagine if you were the dog, how anxious you would be if your entire comfort zone was taken away ? Add rowdy children to that.
Idk what you should do, but I wouldnt allow him to treat my dog like that if I were you.
She could get a remote job and travel with you.
Oh honey….
we online together and i don’t have anywhere else to go
Mija, come on now. Your mind and spirit should be on preparing for the marriage and a new future of building your own family with a man who wants to be faithful and devoted to you. You know Your sisters rachet. The ones who would do betray their sisters trust for a dude is not something you have to make peace with for now. She's the trash, and it you don't have to explain yourself for your request to your wedding.
It isn't about what others want. It's supposed to be a positive experiences and hope, love and new beginnings. Not all that other crap. You want her there for you, and not display the cringe of her scandal at your wedding. She making her choices to continue to pull away from having her part of your life. I'd imagine your fiance does not appreciate having this negative energy engulf you and not enjoying the planning stress of you and him. I'm sorry she hurt you, she did a favor of taking out the trash for you, but realizing your sister is choosing to behave like trash breaks your heart.