Lol what a joke some people are just dumb!! if he divorced her due to extramarital affair or the fact they have child together means he won’t be on the hook to be her sponsor. As she broke the marriage up with her actions. Some people like to pretend they know laws when you don’t know shit ???
Trust your gut. It’s already a problem that you married someone that doesn’t buy “us” gifts. He probably had no problem selfishly splurging on himself through the duration of your relationship. You could always AirTag that bag to see where it goes. But that would be $$$. Keep a copy of the purchase in your file. It’s time to document those spending habits. You can ask what things did he pick up for Christmas and if the co-workers and others are good now. It’s a valid question and conversation. Let the BS roll. You might as well secretly record that too.
I agree with you. OP had a comment above that got down voted so no one can see it, but she basically says she wants their life together to stay the way it is, and she wants a wedding because she wants a huge celebration with the dress, and the party, and to enjoy the event with her family. I don't know why you guys are down voting her, it's her freaking life, she can have her own motivations and reasons for what she wants. Given the circumstances, I see no problems with her biyfriends requests. He doesn't care to get married because he obviously likes their life together too, so if she wants a wedding then he is willing to do whatever she wants. But the wedding isn't the symbol of the new marriage, that part isn't important to either of them. Weddings are stupid expensive, even a small one can cost like 10K, so if he doesn't want to spend money on it and she had the ability to do it, then I really don't see the problem. They haven't changed their commitment to each other, he isn't asking for anything beyond what they already agreed to.
You both need to block her on everything right after he tells her he’s in a new relationship and she is crossing his boundary. Than be done with her. If it escalates, file a police report.
You did an incredibly brave thing, and it took a lot of balls. At the end of the day you have to decide for yourself if you can find a way to move forward, but it sounds like the answer is likely no. I'd probably have the same answer. People will suggest therapy, and that's not a bad idea. It sounds like you have a solid circle of friends who had your back. Rely on them. And eventually you'll find someone who you can give a nice ring like that to.
Yeah so, dating obliviously for a year, but only after one year he suddenly kisses you for the first time like it’s nothing? Twice? Nice creative writing assignment but come on.
OP, if this is based on reality and a fantasy you’ve written because you’re afraid to tell a boy you like him, just do it. You’re young. If he likes you back, great. If not, I’m two years you’ll be so far past this situation it won’t matter.
Where can I rent a plane that drags a giant banner, cause this is one giant yikes. Dude is still a youth and you’re turned off because he’s not as naked as the good ole days?
Here’s a secret that almost everyone knows, men have to suck it up and roll with the punches. I was also mocked for being fat by my uncle and class peers. When a trusted friend does it, it’s different. That’s a special level of ball busting, we don’t take it personally, but we also don’t let ourselves be emotionally vulnerable with each other. When men have a romantic relationship, they are supposed to be more vulnerable and that’s supposed to be respected. You repeatedly insulted him and then explained how you don’t find him attractive—gee, I wonder why a human would cry about that. A lot of fat people use food as a comfort crutch, I wouldn’t be surprised that he doesn’t care about his diet because he feels inadequate for his girlfriend, which fuels a negative feedback loop.
He finally opens up about how he feels when it comes to oral/hands and asks you to please teach what your body likes =that’s a breakthrough, a healthy and productive example of communication, and you shut him down because in your fantasy, you think a man magically knows how to satisfy. Heres another secret about men, we are not mind readers. Different women respond different to stimuli. And how we think is different from how women think and feel, so there needs to be open, supportive, honest communication to figure what each other want and how to compromise.
One girl called me a creep because I wrote her erotic romance letters while another girl told me to keep doing it that because it got her off. One girl loved having her vulva slapped, another had a super sensitive vulva and would’ve cried if I smacked it. I was the dominant one, but I realized I needed them to first tell/show me what they liked/didn’t like.
I had to re-scroll a couple times to see if you said you loved him, if it’s there, I missed it.
The best thing you can do is have you and him go to therapy. There’re a lot of serious intimacy and partnership issues that needs help with. Good luck.
She is not aware of his current relationship status and he doesn't want to tell her that he's found someone else because it will hurt her feelings and possibly make things difficult in the future.
He's not really your boyfriend op. :/ He's still with her emotionally and prioritises her over you.
maybe I'm projecting – but word for word, ive been the “official EX gf” in this story.
VIP: You're NOT secret to not hurt her feelings. It's so he could have his cake & eat it too. Your feelings and emotional safety are below hers, but both of you ladies emotional clarity & security is well below his needs.
The new gf was kept from me – to keep me, the ex he was still in love with and emotionally intertwined with – close & open & girlfriendingly available him. Even if we were on a “break”.
As brutal as it sounds – she was a placeholder he used as a bandaid to fill the me-shaped hole in his heart, whilst he processed the end of us. He kept the new gf a secret so “we” didnt really need to end as comprehensivly as he wasnt ready for.
Not telling the ex about you, is so he can still future-ghost himself and her. It sounds like your a bitplayer in their romantic breakdown – sorry. so sorry
I hope he treats you better than my ex (secretly) treated his “new-gf”.
I dont think she ever found out he'd been emotionally cheating or disrespecting of her for the entire time they were together. Even after he finally confessed to the existence of a “new gf”, and i realised he actually wasnt joking, – the underlying issue of him not wanting to let “us” go, or be respectful of his new gf if it cost me, was still there.
If i wasnt still reeling myself & fucked up by the deception – i might have reached out to her to let her know – but maybe i can do so for you.
He eventually dumped her with a “its not you its me” and took time out he actually needed to be single and heathily process the end of a big relationship.
A guy keeping you a secret for “the sake of an ex” is almost always needing to do exactly that. He's not over her.
I cannot even begin to understand what you are going through. As others have said this is abuse. Whatever issues he has, he is emotionally abusing you. You are his punching bag. This is my suggestion. First & foremost, just pretend like everything is normal. Get some financial resources together. Figure out the next he'll be out of the house. When that day comes, load your stuff up and leave. Do not leave a message, just go. Stay at a hotel/AirBnB. Do NOT use a credit card or at a minimum use a card he cannot access. Basically, you need to disappear. Once away from him, start cutting ties. Change CC, bank info, etc. Contact friends and work – he'll start looking there. Contact the authorities – tell them he threatened your life so you left. Your contacts are in danger. Get a restraining order. Get a new cell number. Then contact an attorney. This is a lot to handle under normal circumstances, much less under duress. However, you need to get out of the situation ASAP. I'm gonna go out on a limb – You GOT this! You will get through this. You will come out ahead. You are strong and capable. Wishing you all the best.
The age gap alone isn’t the concerning part, it’s that in combination with the controlling behavior. We do know that to be the circumstances, so a conclusion of potential abuse is actually pretty logical.
Yea, it is and she is! She seems to be trying to right things eg posting here for advice, so it seems she’s aware of the pain she’s caused and is trying to remedy it( but I also haven’t paid attention to her replies so idk if she’s taking responsibility).
With the info provided, it seems the controlling behavior and suspicion came first, but there could’ve been an initial inappropriate behavior that made him wary.
You're so dramatic. What advice are you even looking for? She isn't choosing her colleagues over your goddamn marriage, she is in need of help finding a backbone to get them to stop teasing her. Why do not not simply stop walking with her? Do you not work?
If you ended the relationship (divorce?) because of this situation then good luck to you and I hope she finds someone capable of working through situations.
Work on your sensitivity and maybe find a better way to spend your time
At this stage it seems like she is trying to end things and you should agree to the break and lay out explicit ground rules.
The fact that she feels she is missing out means she wants to see other people, I would just end the relationship in your shoes. Someone who I already asked to marry me is feeling unfulfilled and has wondering eyes, means to me that it isn't the relationship to be in together.
Those poor women. The waxer and your wife. I know a woman who works in the beauty industry. She doesn’t work on men anymore for exactly this reason. I love that you say she “smiled casually”. Keep telling yourself that dude.
And why you felt the need to tell your wife that another woman turned you on so much you had to jack off in a public restroom is beyond me. They all knew what you were doing by the way.
I hope the salon cuts you as a client and your wife leaves and tells everyone why.
Just because you moved in with this person way too early in the relationship doesn't mean you're stuck there. You've obviously got some medical stuff to deal with and of course hormones (either taking them or stopping them suddenly) affects one's moods and libido. So maybe focus on your medical situation for the moment then decide later what to do about this relationship. It's okay to date someone, and even live! with them, then decide they're not for you. But you also don't want to make an important decision while you're in a bad headspace to be doing so. Try to back burner these doubts until you're thinking more clearly.
Opening a relationship to try and “solve” incompatibilities or meet an unfulfilled need is really just bringing other people into your mess. Ask yourself this, what kind of dynamic would him or you even be looking for? He says he needs sex to feel a deeper connection to his partner and that's valid well and good but getting that from another person means he intends to connect with another woman on a level he isn't connecting with you, are you okay with that?
Also it's not just sex, VERY few women he'd likely be interested in are gonna hear “oh you want sex and intimacy from me but not a relationship and also you're in a relationship, SOUNDS GREAT!”. On a level there will be the expectation on both sides of a separate relationship and chemistry building separately from you. And it's fundamentally selfish to tell a whole ass person to be your third and not have equal negotiating terms in the relationship with all parties (it's not what you would want if you were pursuing someone after all yes?).
Which means this third new person gets to set EQUAL terms for how the relationship goes. it's not you and your bf as a team with a third woman, it's a 3 way equal partnership that fundamentally changes the dynamic of yours. There will be time he spends with her that doesn't involve you, feelings between him and her that are between them and not you. yes you all need to communicate but you cannot control this person and your relationship with your bf (regardless of how long you've been together) doesn't take ultimate priority.
You don't get to tell her “this isn't working out and is putting OUR relationship in jeopardy so leave, because it will no longer be just his and your relationship. People don't work that way and feelings don't work that way. And there is a very real chance that your bf may start prioritizing time with this other woman, regardless of what he is going to need to spend time away from you to build a connection with her.
This is why “open the relationship up” as a solution infuriates me so much, fundamentally people think of it as treating another whole ass human being as a band aid for THEIR relationship and wanting the third to be part of it but a lesser part and that is putting them in a box telling them their feelings are less important and they aren't equal in what's happening. It's sickeningly selfish.
If you both have relationship problems in regards to mismatched libidos then work to resolve that together and maybe look into a couple's therapist. Evaluate why it's so easy for him to suggest that, that if he finds sex emotionally fulfilling and as a way to feel connected why does he want that from another woman? Does it not matter who it comes from for him? If so that itself is very telling.
T.L.D.R. Don't involve another person as a bandage for your incompatibility, either work on your relationship together or break up.
Lol what a joke some people are just dumb!! if he divorced her due to extramarital affair or the fact they have child together means he won’t be on the hook to be her sponsor. As she broke the marriage up with her actions. Some people like to pretend they know laws when you don’t know shit ???
Dude you’re 21 and leading this doomed life with this girl. It sounds miserable. Stop the bleeding and walk away.
I’m going through this right now. I think. Idk. I hope not.
Yeah I told her I’m gonna give her space until I come pick her up after her last final exam, I appreciate the input 🙂
Take the gift and return it THEN investigate. Look at your phone bills for frequent numbers he texts.
He’s not going to question you because he’ll then have to explain himself.
Trust your gut. It’s already a problem that you married someone that doesn’t buy “us” gifts. He probably had no problem selfishly splurging on himself through the duration of your relationship. You could always AirTag that bag to see where it goes. But that would be $$$. Keep a copy of the purchase in your file. It’s time to document those spending habits. You can ask what things did he pick up for Christmas and if the co-workers and others are good now. It’s a valid question and conversation. Let the BS roll. You might as well secretly record that too.
She knows.she did it.ans was aware as she cried on the phone with you.
Shes known for months and didn't mention it to you.
If she was only KISSING her OS would have said making out instead of cheating.
SHE DID THIS VERY PUBLICLY, MEANING A SHIT TON OF PEOPLE KNEW BEFORE YOU.
You need to get tested.
Don't confront her she will only break down and beg. Just cut ties
Yes I know I’d be in jail. That’s very clear to me. But maybe he’d be in jail too for his action
I agree with you. OP had a comment above that got down voted so no one can see it, but she basically says she wants their life together to stay the way it is, and she wants a wedding because she wants a huge celebration with the dress, and the party, and to enjoy the event with her family. I don't know why you guys are down voting her, it's her freaking life, she can have her own motivations and reasons for what she wants. Given the circumstances, I see no problems with her biyfriends requests. He doesn't care to get married because he obviously likes their life together too, so if she wants a wedding then he is willing to do whatever she wants. But the wedding isn't the symbol of the new marriage, that part isn't important to either of them. Weddings are stupid expensive, even a small one can cost like 10K, so if he doesn't want to spend money on it and she had the ability to do it, then I really don't see the problem. They haven't changed their commitment to each other, he isn't asking for anything beyond what they already agreed to.
You both need to block her on everything right after he tells her he’s in a new relationship and she is crossing his boundary. Than be done with her. If it escalates, file a police report.
Got to be a bit realistic here. Your husband is net negative in terms of $. He’s also got a gambling problem if he’s in on AMC.
this. and imagine if they break up after all that?
I have a weirdly good memory about certain things and had the same feeling- this was posted maybe a year or so ago?
You did an incredibly brave thing, and it took a lot of balls. At the end of the day you have to decide for yourself if you can find a way to move forward, but it sounds like the answer is likely no. I'd probably have the same answer. People will suggest therapy, and that's not a bad idea. It sounds like you have a solid circle of friends who had your back. Rely on them. And eventually you'll find someone who you can give a nice ring like that to.
Yeah so, dating obliviously for a year, but only after one year he suddenly kisses you for the first time like it’s nothing? Twice? Nice creative writing assignment but come on.
OP, if this is based on reality and a fantasy you’ve written because you’re afraid to tell a boy you like him, just do it. You’re young. If he likes you back, great. If not, I’m two years you’ll be so far past this situation it won’t matter.
so whats gonna happen when you get married? this is weird
Where can I rent a plane that drags a giant banner, cause this is one giant yikes. Dude is still a youth and you’re turned off because he’s not as naked as the good ole days?
Here’s a secret that almost everyone knows, men have to suck it up and roll with the punches. I was also mocked for being fat by my uncle and class peers. When a trusted friend does it, it’s different. That’s a special level of ball busting, we don’t take it personally, but we also don’t let ourselves be emotionally vulnerable with each other. When men have a romantic relationship, they are supposed to be more vulnerable and that’s supposed to be respected. You repeatedly insulted him and then explained how you don’t find him attractive—gee, I wonder why a human would cry about that. A lot of fat people use food as a comfort crutch, I wouldn’t be surprised that he doesn’t care about his diet because he feels inadequate for his girlfriend, which fuels a negative feedback loop.
He finally opens up about how he feels when it comes to oral/hands and asks you to please teach what your body likes =that’s a breakthrough, a healthy and productive example of communication, and you shut him down because in your fantasy, you think a man magically knows how to satisfy. Heres another secret about men, we are not mind readers. Different women respond different to stimuli. And how we think is different from how women think and feel, so there needs to be open, supportive, honest communication to figure what each other want and how to compromise.
One girl called me a creep because I wrote her erotic romance letters while another girl told me to keep doing it that because it got her off. One girl loved having her vulva slapped, another had a super sensitive vulva and would’ve cried if I smacked it. I was the dominant one, but I realized I needed them to first tell/show me what they liked/didn’t like.
I had to re-scroll a couple times to see if you said you loved him, if it’s there, I missed it.
The best thing you can do is have you and him go to therapy. There’re a lot of serious intimacy and partnership issues that needs help with. Good luck.
She is not aware of his current relationship status and he doesn't want to tell her that he's found someone else because it will hurt her feelings and possibly make things difficult in the future.
He's not really your boyfriend op. :/ He's still with her emotionally and prioritises her over you.
maybe I'm projecting – but word for word, ive been the “official EX gf” in this story.
VIP: You're NOT secret to not hurt her feelings. It's so he could have his cake & eat it too. Your feelings and emotional safety are below hers, but both of you ladies emotional clarity & security is well below his needs.
The new gf was kept from me – to keep me, the ex he was still in love with and emotionally intertwined with – close & open & girlfriendingly available him. Even if we were on a “break”.
As brutal as it sounds – she was a placeholder he used as a bandaid to fill the me-shaped hole in his heart, whilst he processed the end of us. He kept the new gf a secret so “we” didnt really need to end as comprehensivly as he wasnt ready for.
Not telling the ex about you, is so he can still future-ghost himself and her. It sounds like your a bitplayer in their romantic breakdown – sorry. so sorry
I hope he treats you better than my ex (secretly) treated his “new-gf”.
I dont think she ever found out he'd been emotionally cheating or disrespecting of her for the entire time they were together. Even after he finally confessed to the existence of a “new gf”, and i realised he actually wasnt joking, – the underlying issue of him not wanting to let “us” go, or be respectful of his new gf if it cost me, was still there.
If i wasnt still reeling myself & fucked up by the deception – i might have reached out to her to let her know – but maybe i can do so for you.
He eventually dumped her with a “its not you its me” and took time out he actually needed to be single and heathily process the end of a big relationship.
A guy keeping you a secret for “the sake of an ex” is almost always needing to do exactly that. He's not over her.
I cannot even begin to understand what you are going through. As others have said this is abuse. Whatever issues he has, he is emotionally abusing you. You are his punching bag. This is my suggestion. First & foremost, just pretend like everything is normal. Get some financial resources together. Figure out the next he'll be out of the house. When that day comes, load your stuff up and leave. Do not leave a message, just go. Stay at a hotel/AirBnB. Do NOT use a credit card or at a minimum use a card he cannot access. Basically, you need to disappear. Once away from him, start cutting ties. Change CC, bank info, etc. Contact friends and work – he'll start looking there. Contact the authorities – tell them he threatened your life so you left. Your contacts are in danger. Get a restraining order. Get a new cell number. Then contact an attorney. This is a lot to handle under normal circumstances, much less under duress. However, you need to get out of the situation ASAP. I'm gonna go out on a limb – You GOT this! You will get through this. You will come out ahead. You are strong and capable. Wishing you all the best.
The age gap alone isn’t the concerning part, it’s that in combination with the controlling behavior. We do know that to be the circumstances, so a conclusion of potential abuse is actually pretty logical.
Yea, it is and she is! She seems to be trying to right things eg posting here for advice, so it seems she’s aware of the pain she’s caused and is trying to remedy it( but I also haven’t paid attention to her replies so idk if she’s taking responsibility).
With the info provided, it seems the controlling behavior and suspicion came first, but there could’ve been an initial inappropriate behavior that made him wary.
You're so dramatic. What advice are you even looking for? She isn't choosing her colleagues over your goddamn marriage, she is in need of help finding a backbone to get them to stop teasing her. Why do not not simply stop walking with her? Do you not work?
If you ended the relationship (divorce?) because of this situation then good luck to you and I hope she finds someone capable of working through situations.
Work on your sensitivity and maybe find a better way to spend your time
At this stage it seems like she is trying to end things and you should agree to the break and lay out explicit ground rules.
The fact that she feels she is missing out means she wants to see other people, I would just end the relationship in your shoes. Someone who I already asked to marry me is feeling unfulfilled and has wondering eyes, means to me that it isn't the relationship to be in together.
Those poor women. The waxer and your wife. I know a woman who works in the beauty industry. She doesn’t work on men anymore for exactly this reason. I love that you say she “smiled casually”. Keep telling yourself that dude.
And why you felt the need to tell your wife that another woman turned you on so much you had to jack off in a public restroom is beyond me. They all knew what you were doing by the way.
I hope the salon cuts you as a client and your wife leaves and tells everyone why.
Someone that makes the headache worse instead of easier lol like bro what
Talk to him about it, in person. P we need to talk. Then when alone and have his attention Just layout what you said here
Guys sometimes do this, it is pretty uncool but it does happen.
English isn’t my first language but that casual Truman show reference is what tipped me off. Def a creative writing exercise.
Relation can't exactly move forward if you're fighting over something as insignificant as names.
Just because you moved in with this person way too early in the relationship doesn't mean you're stuck there. You've obviously got some medical stuff to deal with and of course hormones (either taking them or stopping them suddenly) affects one's moods and libido. So maybe focus on your medical situation for the moment then decide later what to do about this relationship. It's okay to date someone, and even live! with them, then decide they're not for you. But you also don't want to make an important decision while you're in a bad headspace to be doing so. Try to back burner these doubts until you're thinking more clearly.
Opening a relationship to try and “solve” incompatibilities or meet an unfulfilled need is really just bringing other people into your mess. Ask yourself this, what kind of dynamic would him or you even be looking for? He says he needs sex to feel a deeper connection to his partner and that's valid well and good but getting that from another person means he intends to connect with another woman on a level he isn't connecting with you, are you okay with that?
Also it's not just sex, VERY few women he'd likely be interested in are gonna hear “oh you want sex and intimacy from me but not a relationship and also you're in a relationship, SOUNDS GREAT!”. On a level there will be the expectation on both sides of a separate relationship and chemistry building separately from you. And it's fundamentally selfish to tell a whole ass person to be your third and not have equal negotiating terms in the relationship with all parties (it's not what you would want if you were pursuing someone after all yes?).
Which means this third new person gets to set EQUAL terms for how the relationship goes. it's not you and your bf as a team with a third woman, it's a 3 way equal partnership that fundamentally changes the dynamic of yours. There will be time he spends with her that doesn't involve you, feelings between him and her that are between them and not you. yes you all need to communicate but you cannot control this person and your relationship with your bf (regardless of how long you've been together) doesn't take ultimate priority.
You don't get to tell her “this isn't working out and is putting OUR relationship in jeopardy so leave, because it will no longer be just his and your relationship. People don't work that way and feelings don't work that way. And there is a very real chance that your bf may start prioritizing time with this other woman, regardless of what he is going to need to spend time away from you to build a connection with her.
This is why “open the relationship up” as a solution infuriates me so much, fundamentally people think of it as treating another whole ass human being as a band aid for THEIR relationship and wanting the third to be part of it but a lesser part and that is putting them in a box telling them their feelings are less important and they aren't equal in what's happening. It's sickeningly selfish.
If you both have relationship problems in regards to mismatched libidos then work to resolve that together and maybe look into a couple's therapist. Evaluate why it's so easy for him to suggest that, that if he finds sex emotionally fulfilling and as a way to feel connected why does he want that from another woman? Does it not matter who it comes from for him? If so that itself is very telling.
T.L.D.R. Don't involve another person as a bandage for your incompatibility, either work on your relationship together or break up.
You really made me think there. We did go through the world's longest covid lockdown together.