Your question reads to me as having a bit of attitude to it. I think framing it as a simple question is disingenuous as it seems more you're asking to be adequately convinced instead of earnestly wanting to learn more.
Girl – and I mean this lovingly – you need time alone and therapy NOT a relationship You two clearly aren't compatible and you clearly have a lot to work through. As long as you don't work through all that trauma you will be in an extremely vulnerable position and abusive people will gravitate towards you and try to manipulate you (not saying your bf is doing that, just generally)
Because it's not objectively harmful! You're simply ignorant of what ethical non monogamy is. It's in no way comparable to meth, and it very much exists (I have friends who practice this) and NO ONE gets HURT beyond what people get hurt by in ALL relationships, like breakups and miscommunication and boundaries not being respected. Those happen all the time no matter what your preferences are.
I totally agree that her bringing up an open relationship to her partner who is fully monogamous is a deal-breaker. That wasn't what he communicated to her from the very beginning, and that's a “disrespecting his boundary” issue.
Convos about marriage stress. It’s just the accumulation of small things, so he doesn’t get why I feel it’s important. Haven’t even broached marriage counseling yet.
Is it possible your “cute little jokes” are not as light hearted and sweet as you think? What this sounds like is you intentionally say something digging at her and then try to tell her that her reaction is her fault. Do you take ownership of any of your negative behavior? Going to your cooking example, why are you questioning her on something useful or she enjoys? She had a plan she was happy with and you tried to tell her she didn't need to do that. Why not just cheerily say, “oh? What are you going to make?” That shows support for her decision and doesn't give your opinion before she has even had a chance to explain.
You may pride yourself on your emotional regulation, but making cute little semi-jokes all the time is just as immature. We all have things to learn about relationships at this age. If your jokes are upsetting her, then they are not funny, not appropriate, and not playful. In all your mindful wisdom, maybe you need to really look at your behavior.
I read it. Sounds like Reddit is assuming a whole lot of stuff. A bunch of angry teens projecting their personal experiences on OP. Really, none of us know much.
He doesn’t show happy emotion that often, he does sometimes but it’s rare. I know I can be annoying if I get random bouts of happiness or excitement and he’ll tell me to tone it down. He mostly gets annoyed if I compliment him on more than 1 thing a day. I know this sounds ridiculous as I’m writing it out now, but it’s 8am by me and I feel like I already reached my quota for the day on nice things I can say. He says it comes across as flattery and I’m going to put a lot of people off by acting like this, he says he’s trying to help me
I want to come at this with empathy… because honestly you are in a difficult situation. Feelings grow and those neural synapses in our brains form. I would start with the intellectual exercise of 5 years of – what does your life realistically look like in 5 years if you give in? It isn’t pretty- you are still a mistress but pretty upset about it at that point… people know at work and it has actually hurt your career (because it will), and you actually have passed up other relationships and experiences. Feel that painful future. Next… DATE. Date like crazy. Date when you don’t want to. Just get out there and find someone who you have chemistry with. Lastly… be upset but don’t let yourself wallow.
Okay, unpopular opinion. I want to make it clear hitting your spouse is NEVER okay, however reactive abuse is a thing. Looking at the big picture here, I almost wonder if that’s the case. OP clearly does things that upsets his wife on purpose, given she brought this up their previous vaca.
ESH until more info. Just divorce and be done, y’all don’t sound like you even like each other
This mutual friend of ours was stalking me after he sexually assaulted me, my bf was present during that time when my perpetrator was dragging me for us to talk. They had a fight which lead to us going to a police station that involved our family. And his relationship with his family isn't good and they all ganged up on him. He wanted me to not attract problems until we are independent because he believed that I might have caused our friend to prey on me because of my personality. I am pretty much outgoing and I don't mind being friends with any gender. I also like to interact with other people, but it doesn't involve physical touch. And he also wanted me to tone down how I interact with other people.
I genuinely believe that he's never and would never hurt anyone
I'm going to be harsh, but you're so wrong. Every person who has ever looked at CP (for anything other than participating in putting pedos in prison) has actively harmed children by participating in the consumption of CP. Your partner is not simply “attracted to 12 year old girls.” Say it out loud. Your partner is a pedophile who jerks off to photographs of children who have been trafficked. Your only option is to end things and contact the police. Anything else makes you complicit.
It’s been 10 months. Seriously dude what are you expecting here? Sounds like you and your gf need to grow up and set realistic expectations. 10 months is no time at all. I know it doesn’t seem that way cause you are already having a kid but for most people it’s a drop in the bucket
Your question reads to me as having a bit of attitude to it. I think framing it as a simple question is disingenuous as it seems more you're asking to be adequately convinced instead of earnestly wanting to learn more.
Computer?
I wouldn’t bother. I’d leave it in the trash.
doesn't let me be the male
Ok, chill with that. It's ok to be upset with her pushy behavior without getting into the misogynistic bullshit.
How old are you both? How long have you been together?
I called her out, she said this won't happen again.
Get out now. Save your sanity. Find a decent woman.
Shit, so the cheating was fairly recent?
Girl – and I mean this lovingly – you need time alone and therapy NOT a relationship You two clearly aren't compatible and you clearly have a lot to work through. As long as you don't work through all that trauma you will be in an extremely vulnerable position and abusive people will gravitate towards you and try to manipulate you (not saying your bf is doing that, just generally)
Because it's not objectively harmful! You're simply ignorant of what ethical non monogamy is. It's in no way comparable to meth, and it very much exists (I have friends who practice this) and NO ONE gets HURT beyond what people get hurt by in ALL relationships, like breakups and miscommunication and boundaries not being respected. Those happen all the time no matter what your preferences are.
I totally agree that her bringing up an open relationship to her partner who is fully monogamous is a deal-breaker. That wasn't what he communicated to her from the very beginning, and that's a “disrespecting his boundary” issue.
Convos about marriage stress. It’s just the accumulation of small things, so he doesn’t get why I feel it’s important. Haven’t even broached marriage counseling yet.
Is it possible your “cute little jokes” are not as light hearted and sweet as you think? What this sounds like is you intentionally say something digging at her and then try to tell her that her reaction is her fault. Do you take ownership of any of your negative behavior? Going to your cooking example, why are you questioning her on something useful or she enjoys? She had a plan she was happy with and you tried to tell her she didn't need to do that. Why not just cheerily say, “oh? What are you going to make?” That shows support for her decision and doesn't give your opinion before she has even had a chance to explain.
You may pride yourself on your emotional regulation, but making cute little semi-jokes all the time is just as immature. We all have things to learn about relationships at this age. If your jokes are upsetting her, then they are not funny, not appropriate, and not playful. In all your mindful wisdom, maybe you need to really look at your behavior.
Girl. He is a rapist. The hell
Well, he seems gullible enough to be gaslighted for two more weeks before figuring out his best friend and his Gf are playing him like a banjo.
I read it. Sounds like Reddit is assuming a whole lot of stuff. A bunch of angry teens projecting their personal experiences on OP. Really, none of us know much.
He doesn’t show happy emotion that often, he does sometimes but it’s rare. I know I can be annoying if I get random bouts of happiness or excitement and he’ll tell me to tone it down. He mostly gets annoyed if I compliment him on more than 1 thing a day. I know this sounds ridiculous as I’m writing it out now, but it’s 8am by me and I feel like I already reached my quota for the day on nice things I can say. He says it comes across as flattery and I’m going to put a lot of people off by acting like this, he says he’s trying to help me
He’s 22. Let him live! his life.
I was being blunt for dramatic effect, but yes, the same message but with softer wording is the correct approach
I want to come at this with empathy… because honestly you are in a difficult situation. Feelings grow and those neural synapses in our brains form. I would start with the intellectual exercise of 5 years of – what does your life realistically look like in 5 years if you give in? It isn’t pretty- you are still a mistress but pretty upset about it at that point… people know at work and it has actually hurt your career (because it will), and you actually have passed up other relationships and experiences. Feel that painful future. Next… DATE. Date like crazy. Date when you don’t want to. Just get out there and find someone who you have chemistry with. Lastly… be upset but don’t let yourself wallow.
Okay, unpopular opinion. I want to make it clear hitting your spouse is NEVER okay, however reactive abuse is a thing. Looking at the big picture here, I almost wonder if that’s the case. OP clearly does things that upsets his wife on purpose, given she brought this up their previous vaca.
ESH until more info. Just divorce and be done, y’all don’t sound like you even like each other
This mutual friend of ours was stalking me after he sexually assaulted me, my bf was present during that time when my perpetrator was dragging me for us to talk. They had a fight which lead to us going to a police station that involved our family. And his relationship with his family isn't good and they all ganged up on him. He wanted me to not attract problems until we are independent because he believed that I might have caused our friend to prey on me because of my personality. I am pretty much outgoing and I don't mind being friends with any gender. I also like to interact with other people, but it doesn't involve physical touch. And he also wanted me to tone down how I interact with other people.
I genuinely believe that he's never and would never hurt anyone
I'm going to be harsh, but you're so wrong. Every person who has ever looked at CP (for anything other than participating in putting pedos in prison) has actively harmed children by participating in the consumption of CP. Your partner is not simply “attracted to 12 year old girls.” Say it out loud. Your partner is a pedophile who jerks off to photographs of children who have been trafficked. Your only option is to end things and contact the police. Anything else makes you complicit.
It’s been 10 months. Seriously dude what are you expecting here? Sounds like you and your gf need to grow up and set realistic expectations. 10 months is no time at all. I know it doesn’t seem that way cause you are already having a kid but for most people it’s a drop in the bucket