I think now is a good time to take a step back from your relationship and work on you. There are things you've identified wouldn't have made you a suitable partner, might be a good time to work on being that person. Do it for you
Nah go with your gift, 3 months in is pretty new still but your presents shows you’ve paid attention to what she likes and something she’s now got a need for. You could get her a wee bit jewellery as well, but your present is thoughtful and she’ll notice that.
Yes because that is what she says she would like. If you really don't care but she really does then let her have this. It will make her feel you listened to her. I, like you, love giving gifts but not everyone does and it does stress people out so much.
Wow i didn't see that. That's so messed up. I really hope she's okay. His story is shit and so are his excuses for wanting the door locked. Idgaf if I'm butt ass naked, if an intruder is in my house I'm out there with my pants around my ankles!
I think you’re over thinking this.. there’s no need to go above and beyond or try to one up his gift purchase. It’s not about the money. And if he said he didn’t want anything else, then listen to him and respect his choice. Don’t read any further into this and let it go.
People can and do change. It was absolutely none of your business and you should not have interfered. This will sound harsh, but: get a life. It sounds like things were going well for your sister and her boyfriend, but you felt the need to fuck that up.
I cheated on someone in the past and my brother knew about it. He really liked my next boyfriend, so he came to ME and said awful things to me (possibly true) and told me he thought if I cheated on this person that it would be an even more awful decision. He was totally right, of course. I had a lot of issues when I cheated. I worked naked to get over them and didn't do it again.
This girl lives at the other end of the UK, and he and I are both at university until summer.
Yeah I'm trying to prepare myself. I think I'm just holding on to a tiny shred of hope, which is totally stupid of me. I'll get there though, hopefully
Again not everyone is like you. Why you tend to think that everyone is the same? It’s not the same. Quit thinking like that. My boundaries is my boundaries. You don’t like it? Tough shit. See that how life works? Not everyone is the same. Again you have to check that if it’s okay with your other half beforehand. The fact you kept assuming that I view woman as property. I don’t. It just that she unexpectedly told him that she swam naked with friends and guys especially guys. You are the one who is being a child who failing to respect my opinion.
Except you are correct imagine you will be completely unhappy with your sex life and it keeps draining on you. Do you really want to marry just to divorce?
There are two things sensible person should do before marriage, have sex and live together for at least a year under the same roof. Not doing these before marrying is irresponsible. Therefore you have said the most sensible thing there is. I don't think you should regret it.
Omg this. I literally just ended a bunch of friendships because my “best friend” said something shitty about my biggest dream and aspiration in life. When I talked to her about it she said “oh but I asked around and no one else thought it was a shitty comment. Why are you affected by this?” Which didn't bode well with me and then she went on to say I was responsible for how it felt to me, and yet she claims she offered me room to talk about my feelings. And another friend went on the same boat as her, saying I was overreacting and my best friend has given me plenty opportunities to properly talk about it.
With people like that, all I can think is: good riddance.
Next time you see her give her a candy ring and ask her to propose right there on the spot? Non-traditional but also fun and less serious.
IMO her friends also sound like they're pressuring her to behave a certain way that is violating the boundaries of your relationship with her. I'd be more suspicious of them vs her.
Have some self respect and divorce him!!! He didn't even stop fucking another woman when you caught him! He didn't immediately go to you he kept fixing her for days afterwards. Jesus fucking Christ, Hey it into your head that he doesn't care about you, he doesn't want you and he sure as shit b doesn't respect you or your marriage. Therapy would be a waste of time and energy.
Divorce him and take him for everything you can. Get a custody agreement that specifically states that his step sister cannot be around your children when your husband has them.
I think that first 911 call is bingo here. It sounds like schizophrenia. Schizophrenia often manifests in delusions that “the government is spying on me” or people are conspiring against them, or aliens are trying to contact them. They suspect their house is bugged, with hidden cameras, microchips implanted into them while they sleep etc. The fact that this first 911 call didn't lead to you getting a call from the police tells me there probably isn't any cameras or spying and it probably is a delusion.
How long were you guys together? Do you know any of her close friends or family? If were me, I'd maybe try to have a conversation with one of them about it just because this is absolutely batshit crazy behavior and I've watched enough true crime to know that people like this turn up missing. I remember watching a documentary on a young woman who went missing after having similar delusions (last CCTV footage of her is her going across her apartment complex parking lot barefoot and in tiny shorts and a tank top, not dressed for the weather).
Now, this is all on the presumption you're completely innocent here. That you did not put any spy software or keylogger on her computer, you don't know any of her passwords, you didn't stick a nanny cam somewhere in her place. Because if you did something even remotely us, that changes the whole time of the story.
Would you ask your spouse every single time you made a parenting decision about anything? Equal parents don't do that, it's normal for one parent to make a decision in the moment on something like this, and discuss later if need be. Normal parents in normal equal parenting relationships do not hold conference over every decision.
If the other parent disagrees with that decision, the adult thing to do is discuss it in private and come to a solution, not Veto it in front of the child, undermine the other parent, and then throw a lack of biological relation in that parents face as justification.
Oh wow!! That's definitely a big boi!! I am part of a FB Chonky Cats group where there's no judgment for fat cats. It's called This Cat Is C H O N K Y.
Sometimes they're just big, but people are so mean. He doesn't overeat; he eats about the same amount as the other two. But he's just a chonk. There's just more to love. I rub his FUPA for good luck, like a Buddha LOL, except Buddha probably wouldn't swat or try to bite me.
You are being sexually assaulted regularly in your own home. Being married to the person sexually assaulting you does not change that. Having had your own trauma doesn't change that. You made clear of your boundaries, and you repeatedly communicated that you do not consent to that kind of a touching. His reaction to your concerns is wrong and hurtful.
In the beginning, my husband liked to touch me like this too (playfully). I told him that I did not like that. You know what he did? He immediately apologized, said he wants to make sure I feel safe, and stopped.
It's not your fault, it's not your job “to get over it” because you're married, and you are not being overly sensitive because you were previously assaulted, you are being sexually assaulted in your own home by your husband, and now you don't know what to do because he is behaving like a predator and not a romantic partner. Full stop.
i am pretty sure (and i agree with him if it was the case) that you should be the one who bring up exclusivity bc he did it last time and you rebuffed him.
spark in this case is passion toward wanting to see each other. it happens from time to time especially when you don’t know whether the relationship will live or die. like why would i want to invest more when it will not go anywhere kind of a thing.
so idk if it still apply, but if you want a serious relationship with him then you have to upfront about what you want from this relationship. no more hinting or implying. just lay out all the card. what do you have to lose bc by the look of it, the relationship is circling the drain.
You've already read his messages. He's dressing nicer, wearing his cologne, and distancing himself from you. You know he's being an idiot. You just don't want to believe it until you hear it from him.
You've already read his messages. He's dressing nicer, wearing his cologne, and distancing himself from you. You know he's being an idiot. You just don't want to believe it until you hear it from him.
I have never felt the need to have these kinds of rules or discussions with my wife. Trying to formalize rules for how you interact with other human beings does not indicate a natural communication between the two of you. And that doesn’t even begin to get into how heteronormative these rules are.
He’s not super receptive to being told “how to do things”, as in if I tried having him get me off first, he is likely to get up and walk away. He likes to “steer the ship”, I suppose.
Many people wouldn't be okay with their partner going to a strip club and being grinded on. When you scream insecurity at every boundary connected to strippers and sex workers, it doesn't make you look as good and modern as you think it does.
Yes. People say things when they are upset ask the time, especially right now when you both are probably tired from caring for a newborn. He did apologize after getting a second point of view.
Is this a normal sort of thing to say when you’re concerned?
Yes. Children will bring out your parenting instincts and you'll probably one day get upset over the way someone treated your kid. It's your kid and if you think they are being harmed then you'll get protective.
Attacking you is not right though and you should sit down and talk about your expectations in raising a kid. Plus, you'll miss things that you disagree about and should figure out how to speak about when those moments occur.
Lastly, I also didn't like the fact he ran to his mother to tell on you… well, maybe he didn't and just asked if it's ok to wear headphones. But, I doubt you can fit that into the conversation like that and he probably just went to rant to his mother and she had your back. That's not cool either.
Sexualizing minors is gross
I think now is a good time to take a step back from your relationship and work on you. There are things you've identified wouldn't have made you a suitable partner, might be a good time to work on being that person. Do it for you
Nah go with your gift, 3 months in is pretty new still but your presents shows you’ve paid attention to what she likes and something she’s now got a need for. You could get her a wee bit jewellery as well, but your present is thoughtful and she’ll notice that.
Yes because that is what she says she would like. If you really don't care but she really does then let her have this. It will make her feel you listened to her. I, like you, love giving gifts but not everyone does and it does stress people out so much.
Absolutely agree! A sober conversation is in need, clearly. I would need time and see some actions from him to make my mind at ease.
Couples therapy?
and he is pretty busy. but if he cant meet me for this time then bye bye to ya
Wow i didn't see that. That's so messed up. I really hope she's okay. His story is shit and so are his excuses for wanting the door locked. Idgaf if I'm butt ass naked, if an intruder is in my house I'm out there with my pants around my ankles!
I feel so sorry for his wife.
I think you’re over thinking this.. there’s no need to go above and beyond or try to one up his gift purchase. It’s not about the money. And if he said he didn’t want anything else, then listen to him and respect his choice. Don’t read any further into this and let it go.
Yeah, although she was a bit uncomfortable with the concept at first but she loves it now.
Let's get down voted together!
People can and do change. It was absolutely none of your business and you should not have interfered. This will sound harsh, but: get a life. It sounds like things were going well for your sister and her boyfriend, but you felt the need to fuck that up.
I cheated on someone in the past and my brother knew about it. He really liked my next boyfriend, so he came to ME and said awful things to me (possibly true) and told me he thought if I cheated on this person that it would be an even more awful decision. He was totally right, of course. I had a lot of issues when I cheated. I worked naked to get over them and didn't do it again.
Why didn't you go to her instead of him?
This girl lives at the other end of the UK, and he and I are both at university until summer.
Yeah I'm trying to prepare myself. I think I'm just holding on to a tiny shred of hope, which is totally stupid of me. I'll get there though, hopefully
Again not everyone is like you. Why you tend to think that everyone is the same? It’s not the same. Quit thinking like that. My boundaries is my boundaries. You don’t like it? Tough shit. See that how life works? Not everyone is the same. Again you have to check that if it’s okay with your other half beforehand. The fact you kept assuming that I view woman as property. I don’t. It just that she unexpectedly told him that she swam naked with friends and guys especially guys. You are the one who is being a child who failing to respect my opinion.
Except you are correct imagine you will be completely unhappy with your sex life and it keeps draining on you. Do you really want to marry just to divorce?
There are two things sensible person should do before marriage, have sex and live together for at least a year under the same roof. Not doing these before marrying is irresponsible. Therefore you have said the most sensible thing there is. I don't think you should regret it.
Omg this. I literally just ended a bunch of friendships because my “best friend” said something shitty about my biggest dream and aspiration in life. When I talked to her about it she said “oh but I asked around and no one else thought it was a shitty comment. Why are you affected by this?” Which didn't bode well with me and then she went on to say I was responsible for how it felt to me, and yet she claims she offered me room to talk about my feelings. And another friend went on the same boat as her, saying I was overreacting and my best friend has given me plenty opportunities to properly talk about it.
With people like that, all I can think is: good riddance.
How wide open do your eyes need to be for someone who doesn’t even wipe his butt? Oh, and he’s unfaithful. Sounds like a winner
Is she currently single?
Next time you see her give her a candy ring and ask her to propose right there on the spot? Non-traditional but also fun and less serious.
IMO her friends also sound like they're pressuring her to behave a certain way that is violating the boundaries of your relationship with her. I'd be more suspicious of them vs her.
OP, the only person who's opinion matters is your girlfriend. What does SHE say about this?
She assaulted you, OP. I’m sorry. Block her on everything
He knows this. I can work, but only part time or with an excessively understanding boss.
He’s okay with my limitations.
Have some self respect and divorce him!!! He didn't even stop fucking another woman when you caught him! He didn't immediately go to you he kept fixing her for days afterwards. Jesus fucking Christ, Hey it into your head that he doesn't care about you, he doesn't want you and he sure as shit b doesn't respect you or your marriage. Therapy would be a waste of time and energy.
Divorce him and take him for everything you can. Get a custody agreement that specifically states that his step sister cannot be around your children when your husband has them.
Get mad and get even
I think that first 911 call is bingo here. It sounds like schizophrenia. Schizophrenia often manifests in delusions that “the government is spying on me” or people are conspiring against them, or aliens are trying to contact them. They suspect their house is bugged, with hidden cameras, microchips implanted into them while they sleep etc. The fact that this first 911 call didn't lead to you getting a call from the police tells me there probably isn't any cameras or spying and it probably is a delusion.
How long were you guys together? Do you know any of her close friends or family? If were me, I'd maybe try to have a conversation with one of them about it just because this is absolutely batshit crazy behavior and I've watched enough true crime to know that people like this turn up missing. I remember watching a documentary on a young woman who went missing after having similar delusions (last CCTV footage of her is her going across her apartment complex parking lot barefoot and in tiny shorts and a tank top, not dressed for the weather).
Now, this is all on the presumption you're completely innocent here. That you did not put any spy software or keylogger on her computer, you don't know any of her passwords, you didn't stick a nanny cam somewhere in her place. Because if you did something even remotely us, that changes the whole time of the story.
You're dating a predator
Would you ask your spouse every single time you made a parenting decision about anything? Equal parents don't do that, it's normal for one parent to make a decision in the moment on something like this, and discuss later if need be. Normal parents in normal equal parenting relationships do not hold conference over every decision.
If the other parent disagrees with that decision, the adult thing to do is discuss it in private and come to a solution, not Veto it in front of the child, undermine the other parent, and then throw a lack of biological relation in that parents face as justification.
Oh wow!! That's definitely a big boi!! I am part of a FB Chonky Cats group where there's no judgment for fat cats. It's called This Cat Is C H O N K Y.
Sometimes they're just big, but people are so mean. He doesn't overeat; he eats about the same amount as the other two. But he's just a chonk. There's just more to love. I rub his FUPA for good luck, like a Buddha LOL, except Buddha probably wouldn't swat or try to bite me.
You are being sexually assaulted regularly in your own home. Being married to the person sexually assaulting you does not change that. Having had your own trauma doesn't change that. You made clear of your boundaries, and you repeatedly communicated that you do not consent to that kind of a touching. His reaction to your concerns is wrong and hurtful.
In the beginning, my husband liked to touch me like this too (playfully). I told him that I did not like that. You know what he did? He immediately apologized, said he wants to make sure I feel safe, and stopped.
It's not your fault, it's not your job “to get over it” because you're married, and you are not being overly sensitive because you were previously assaulted, you are being sexually assaulted in your own home by your husband, and now you don't know what to do because he is behaving like a predator and not a romantic partner. Full stop.
Get nervous spending $10 dollars at little Ceasars
One I remember from high school: “If I wanted to hear from an arsehole, I would have farted!”
i am pretty sure (and i agree with him if it was the case) that you should be the one who bring up exclusivity bc he did it last time and you rebuffed him.
spark in this case is passion toward wanting to see each other. it happens from time to time especially when you don’t know whether the relationship will live or die. like why would i want to invest more when it will not go anywhere kind of a thing.
so idk if it still apply, but if you want a serious relationship with him then you have to upfront about what you want from this relationship. no more hinting or implying. just lay out all the card. what do you have to lose bc by the look of it, the relationship is circling the drain.
You've already read his messages. He's dressing nicer, wearing his cologne, and distancing himself from you. You know he's being an idiot. You just don't want to believe it until you hear it from him.
You've already read his messages. He's dressing nicer, wearing his cologne, and distancing himself from you. You know he's being an idiot. You just don't want to believe it until you hear it from him.
Ask him.
That’s wonderful advice, thank you. I’m glad I’m starting to pick up on it now
I have never felt the need to have these kinds of rules or discussions with my wife. Trying to formalize rules for how you interact with other human beings does not indicate a natural communication between the two of you. And that doesn’t even begin to get into how heteronormative these rules are.
Never ignore your gut.
Her reaction tells you something is off, so does your gut.
It's also on her birthday.
Come on dude.
Yes, that has happened.
He’s not super receptive to being told “how to do things”, as in if I tried having him get me off first, he is likely to get up and walk away. He likes to “steer the ship”, I suppose.
He's abusing you. Leave.
She agrees with him read the comments
Many people wouldn't be okay with their partner going to a strip club and being grinded on. When you scream insecurity at every boundary connected to strippers and sex workers, it doesn't make you look as good and modern as you think it does.
I mean she can’t prevent the issues she’s having
To answer your questions,
Am I looking too much into it?
Yes. People say things when they are upset ask the time, especially right now when you both are probably tired from caring for a newborn. He did apologize after getting a second point of view.
Is this a normal sort of thing to say when you’re concerned?
Yes. Children will bring out your parenting instincts and you'll probably one day get upset over the way someone treated your kid. It's your kid and if you think they are being harmed then you'll get protective.
Attacking you is not right though and you should sit down and talk about your expectations in raising a kid. Plus, you'll miss things that you disagree about and should figure out how to speak about when those moments occur.
Lastly, I also didn't like the fact he ran to his mother to tell on you… well, maybe he didn't and just asked if it's ok to wear headphones. But, I doubt you can fit that into the conversation like that and he probably just went to rant to his mother and she had your back. That's not cool either.