There are some people who get into relationships with the intention of being in control. For example, one approach is to over-express feelings of love and desire, to “love bomb” the other person. This may be a step towards saying other people don't love the other person as much, or are faking it, in order to isolate the other person from friends and family.
It may just be that this guy is really happy to meet you and that you were willing to have sex with him. Perhaps he just doesn't understand love, and thinks it is important to say it early.
But, you can't really tell at this point if he is clueless or crafty. It is up to you if you want to explain to him what you think love means, and ask him what he thinks it means, and why he'd say this to you so soon in a relationship. Or, you can just decide there's no point in being a relationship with someone who moves so quickly.
You definitely need to tell your husband and be honest about everything, beg for his forgiveness, accept that he may want a divorce. tell him how you are going to fix this. And apologize and mean it. Because you knew what you were doing.
Like, by that logic isn’t it also maybe Gods will that you couldn’t get pregnant without help? Or that it was Gods will for this to happen so your partner would leave? Like you can just apply that metric to anything, yet you are picking and choosing. Don’t play the game of Gods will, life just happens.
Started reading the first line and was about to get really mad. Then finished the …at board games. Lol
Is she just not good at them? Does she enjoy the game play but just loses because she's not good at them? Would you be a good loser if you were to lose?
I'd advise talking to her and ask her if she enjoys the playing of the game, does she want to get better? Or would she rather not play them so much? If she doesn't enjoy the game play and just playing because you want to play it may be more of her being bored with board games. If she likes to play and just doesn't do well, maybe take some time and teach her to be better.
Why are you worried about being called a gold digger? You're not. Anyone who calls you that isn't worth your time. Focus on what's important. Your bf lied to you for years. He misrepresented himself and pressured you to spend money you didn't want to spend. You invested two years. don't invest more
she choose to lie and be deceiptful cause she know the consequences of her telling op about her cheating he will leave her.. cause she knows after a decade peole like u will advise OP the same shit it happen years ago it was a mistake, u dont throraway decade of love etc etc..
all downplaying OP feelings he just found out , all the 10 yrs has been a big lie.. he will question everything for the past decade.. ohh tats why she agree to everything i wanna do not because she love me cause she wants to make amends..
no relationship will survive if it build on a lie…
You haven’t even moved in and there’s as aspect of his personality that gives you to the ick – DO NOT MOVE IN TOGETHER.
This ick isn’t oh he spends to much time in the gym or some trivial matter. How peoples families operate and how they perceive relationships and the things/creatures/people around them is important. How they rationalise decisions are important.
Getting an animal and realising you aren’t equipped and getting rid of it imo is not irresponsible. It can happen – even with preparation the animal itself may be more difficult/require training that the owner is not equipped to give. To do that repeatedly however is super weird.
Saying it can “teach him love” is weird af. Does he not love his family? You? He’s never had an emotional connection to an animal – and wants to get one bc he’s bored? I think not wanting a rescue animal can be a logical decision but the way he’s phrased it? A “used” animal? Wanting a big dog that scares people. Yea he sees them as a fun accessory. To get a large, more aggressive breed is not a first time dog owner who isn’t really committed to a strict training schedule kind of dog. Beyond that they are adorable looking unless you dock their ears – which is painful and requires splints and looking after them so they don’t get infected while they heal. If he can’t keep a litter box clean without it stinking he isn’t that type of person.
He sounds impulsive, immature and quite frankly disconnected from some core human emotions.
My partner has never owned an animal. He also thought of them as not having a personality. He just didn’t know. As he became closer to me and by extension the animals I owned when single he really bonded with them. So I don’t think the not realising they are all individual creatures with their own unique characteristics is necessarily a red flag. But this man had animals his whole life. It’s weird.
I 100% don’t think this is something that is weird to break up over. The issue is not solely the animals. The issue is that it’s just the tip of an iceberg. Someone who says/thinks these ways will have a whole host of other related issues. A general lack of empathy at least. It’s weird af imo.
You can do whatever you want but you still haven’t told me how I was wrong. I’ve explained a few times how what you made was an assumption. You can tell me they are educated guesses but they are still assumptions. They are not more an educated guess than an assumption. There I’ve done it again. Now you’ve repeatedly said I was wrong. Yet you keep dodging the question. So how was I wrong?
I didn’t go home with the man, he simply dropped me off and took just 15 mins with other people in the car, If I had bad intentions I wouldn’t bother to tell my bf I was getting dropped off, I just wanted to save some money. And I didn’t ignore his calls intentionally, but I can see how it looks fishy to the outside eye, I still believe there should have been more trust in me
My wife’s best friend did not ask her to be a bridesmaid because her friend was afraid she would steal attention by looking prettier than her. We didn’t find out for 15 years when her friend’s mom in a casual conversation told her the reason.
You finna bring a child into this and may one day realize your dude isn't the angel you think he is because be could be manipulating you. Your mom already knows what's up.
Both my boyfriend and I live! with our families. We’re in our late 20s/early 30s. We both pay around half the bills at our homes to help our mothers out. The rest of our money we put in savings so that we can live together in a year or so. It’s taught us both a lot about budgeting.
If you don’t want to move out yet, at least pitch in more at home. Look over bills with your parents to see how much things cost. Internet, groceries, mortgage… all that stuff adds up so fast.
Okay I’m gonna say something but not sure how accurate it will be to your situation. I do think it’s possible for him to have had a lot of anxiety and thought the best thing to do was to break up. And have been wrong about that.
I do think it’s possible for this to still work. But only if you guys approach this as a team. Having problems in a marriage isn’t a sign things need to end it’s part of life. But that’s only good as long as both people want to work towards it. Therapy, chore redistribution, and coming up with strategies of what to do next time he gets flooded that aren’t BREAKING UP are a must.
Personally I would be like next time he says divorce- it’s done. But if things are otherwise mostly good idk I would work towards it
She can be really sweet and respectful specially to my family and I think she would make a great mother so I want to live! my life with her but she makes it so difficult sometimes and I did mess up in the past so she has a tendency to blame things on me. I do feel I’m too old for this childish behavior but I want to do things right not just break up with her because she’s emotional.
I’d say this goes outside of your pre established trust as there wasn’t a bill to be paid or an email to be shared – you just saw a text and decided to read her entire conversation. I can imagine her feeling as if you’d crossed a line by reading her texts with a friend. I think you should be honest and tell her what you saw, since it’s affecting you. I think you framed it as “saw her texts” instead of “purposefully read her texts” because you’re aware you stepped over the line.
I’d agree with another comment or that those texts might have reflected her day-of thoughts/immediate feelings and that her willingness to try again could have come from further reflection.
Just don’t bring a guy to meet your family until he’s ready to propose. That’s what I do. There’s no reason for a guy to get close to my family otherwise.
I think she was trying to make a joke, lacked reference material, and fell flat. She was probably looking for a response like…” lol, I’m Matthew but my friends call me Matt “ or something goofy like that, don’t take it too seriously, especially this early into knowing someone.
So you treated this guy poorly while you were together initially. Flaked on dates and trips. Apparently you were not on the straight and narrow when it came to being faithful. And now sex with him repulses you? Honestly you sound like a nightmare. Just do this dude a favor and leave him alone.
I saw your previous post on AITA, please do not marry this man! Your response is 100% normal and you are not a prude at all. Although the media often portrays strip clubs and strippers at bachelor parties as an okay and normal thing, none of the men I know have done this or would ever think that going to a strip club is acceptable behaviour when in a relationship, especially if their partner had expressed the feelings you previously had. Your post is heartbreaking to read that you’ve been so beaten down (presumably by him) into believing that it’s wrong of you to feel this way about him going to strip clubs and watching porn. It’s perfectly normal and you don’t need to feel ashamed or defend yourself for it.
His response to the situation is disgusting; not only did he get defensive and attack you but he turned off his location sharing, implying that the fucker STAYED AT THE STRIP CLUB!!! So your future wife is clearly distressed and hurt by your actions, so what do you do? Why you attack her and then continue the behaviour that is hurting her because you’re a dick. It seems he cares more about his bachelor party than the wedding it’s supposed to be about!
Please, PLEASE, call off the wedding for now and don’t allow yourself to be browbeaten into rescheduling it anytime soon. He hasn’t changed in the past, why would he change now?
Dump him find someone that cares for you This relationship is not helping with your Mental problems
There are some people who get into relationships with the intention of being in control. For example, one approach is to over-express feelings of love and desire, to “love bomb” the other person. This may be a step towards saying other people don't love the other person as much, or are faking it, in order to isolate the other person from friends and family.
It may just be that this guy is really happy to meet you and that you were willing to have sex with him. Perhaps he just doesn't understand love, and thinks it is important to say it early.
But, you can't really tell at this point if he is clueless or crafty. It is up to you if you want to explain to him what you think love means, and ask him what he thinks it means, and why he'd say this to you so soon in a relationship. Or, you can just decide there's no point in being a relationship with someone who moves so quickly.
You definitely need to tell your husband and be honest about everything, beg for his forgiveness, accept that he may want a divorce. tell him how you are going to fix this. And apologize and mean it. Because you knew what you were doing.
Stay in your lane. They’re fine.
Tell him that?
Like, by that logic isn’t it also maybe Gods will that you couldn’t get pregnant without help? Or that it was Gods will for this to happen so your partner would leave? Like you can just apply that metric to anything, yet you are picking and choosing. Don’t play the game of Gods will, life just happens.
Started reading the first line and was about to get really mad. Then finished the …at board games. Lol
Is she just not good at them? Does she enjoy the game play but just loses because she's not good at them? Would you be a good loser if you were to lose?
I'd advise talking to her and ask her if she enjoys the playing of the game, does she want to get better? Or would she rather not play them so much? If she doesn't enjoy the game play and just playing because you want to play it may be more of her being bored with board games. If she likes to play and just doesn't do well, maybe take some time and teach her to be better.
Why are you worried about being called a gold digger? You're not. Anyone who calls you that isn't worth your time. Focus on what's important. Your bf lied to you for years. He misrepresented himself and pressured you to spend money you didn't want to spend. You invested two years. don't invest more
Tell her she's not herself when she's hungry and offer a Snickers!
Sounds like they are more traditional and thought this is how it’s supposed to be done/friends family told them how to do it
she choose to lie and be deceiptful cause she know the consequences of her telling op about her cheating he will leave her.. cause she knows after a decade peole like u will advise OP the same shit it happen years ago it was a mistake, u dont throraway decade of love etc etc..
all downplaying OP feelings he just found out , all the 10 yrs has been a big lie.. he will question everything for the past decade.. ohh tats why she agree to everything i wanna do not because she love me cause she wants to make amends..
no relationship will survive if it build on a lie…
Best answer!
Ultimately it's ops decision to make.
Throw away yrs of a good marriage (his words) for past silly mistakes she made over 10+yrs ago while they were dating long distance? ??♂️
These things happen alot with long distance relationships.
Her so called friend is just now spilling the beans bc of their falling out makes me wonder as that in itself sounds suspicious.
You haven’t even moved in and there’s as aspect of his personality that gives you to the ick – DO NOT MOVE IN TOGETHER.
This ick isn’t oh he spends to much time in the gym or some trivial matter. How peoples families operate and how they perceive relationships and the things/creatures/people around them is important. How they rationalise decisions are important.
Getting an animal and realising you aren’t equipped and getting rid of it imo is not irresponsible. It can happen – even with preparation the animal itself may be more difficult/require training that the owner is not equipped to give. To do that repeatedly however is super weird.
Saying it can “teach him love” is weird af. Does he not love his family? You? He’s never had an emotional connection to an animal – and wants to get one bc he’s bored? I think not wanting a rescue animal can be a logical decision but the way he’s phrased it? A “used” animal? Wanting a big dog that scares people. Yea he sees them as a fun accessory. To get a large, more aggressive breed is not a first time dog owner who isn’t really committed to a strict training schedule kind of dog. Beyond that they are adorable looking unless you dock their ears – which is painful and requires splints and looking after them so they don’t get infected while they heal. If he can’t keep a litter box clean without it stinking he isn’t that type of person.
He sounds impulsive, immature and quite frankly disconnected from some core human emotions.
My partner has never owned an animal. He also thought of them as not having a personality. He just didn’t know. As he became closer to me and by extension the animals I owned when single he really bonded with them. So I don’t think the not realising they are all individual creatures with their own unique characteristics is necessarily a red flag. But this man had animals his whole life. It’s weird.
I 100% don’t think this is something that is weird to break up over. The issue is not solely the animals. The issue is that it’s just the tip of an iceberg. Someone who says/thinks these ways will have a whole host of other related issues. A general lack of empathy at least. It’s weird af imo.
I wanted to see if anyone would mention something about neurodiversity .. which they did.
You can do whatever you want but you still haven’t told me how I was wrong. I’ve explained a few times how what you made was an assumption. You can tell me they are educated guesses but they are still assumptions. They are not more an educated guess than an assumption. There I’ve done it again. Now you’ve repeatedly said I was wrong. Yet you keep dodging the question. So how was I wrong?
I didn’t go home with the man, he simply dropped me off and took just 15 mins with other people in the car, If I had bad intentions I wouldn’t bother to tell my bf I was getting dropped off, I just wanted to save some money. And I didn’t ignore his calls intentionally, but I can see how it looks fishy to the outside eye, I still believe there should have been more trust in me
Oooo you know… these are no accidents
You need to leave OP. Honour killings are real threat, do not stay here.
My wife’s best friend did not ask her to be a bridesmaid because her friend was afraid she would steal attention by looking prettier than her. We didn’t find out for 15 years when her friend’s mom in a casual conversation told her the reason.
People get petty over weddings.
I am not controlling I just have boundaries.
You finna bring a child into this and may one day realize your dude isn't the angel you think he is because be could be manipulating you. Your mom already knows what's up.
How long have you been together?
Both my boyfriend and I live! with our families. We’re in our late 20s/early 30s. We both pay around half the bills at our homes to help our mothers out. The rest of our money we put in savings so that we can live together in a year or so. It’s taught us both a lot about budgeting.
If you don’t want to move out yet, at least pitch in more at home. Look over bills with your parents to see how much things cost. Internet, groceries, mortgage… all that stuff adds up so fast.
There are none so blind as those who will not see.
Okay I’m gonna say something but not sure how accurate it will be to your situation. I do think it’s possible for him to have had a lot of anxiety and thought the best thing to do was to break up. And have been wrong about that.
I do think it’s possible for this to still work. But only if you guys approach this as a team. Having problems in a marriage isn’t a sign things need to end it’s part of life. But that’s only good as long as both people want to work towards it. Therapy, chore redistribution, and coming up with strategies of what to do next time he gets flooded that aren’t BREAKING UP are a must.
Personally I would be like next time he says divorce- it’s done. But if things are otherwise mostly good idk I would work towards it
She can be really sweet and respectful specially to my family and I think she would make a great mother so I want to live! my life with her but she makes it so difficult sometimes and I did mess up in the past so she has a tendency to blame things on me. I do feel I’m too old for this childish behavior but I want to do things right not just break up with her because she’s emotional.
Keep walkin' Sister. He will hurt you again. Don't let him drag you down when you can live! your life and find someone who you can depend on.
I’d say this goes outside of your pre established trust as there wasn’t a bill to be paid or an email to be shared – you just saw a text and decided to read her entire conversation. I can imagine her feeling as if you’d crossed a line by reading her texts with a friend. I think you should be honest and tell her what you saw, since it’s affecting you. I think you framed it as “saw her texts” instead of “purposefully read her texts” because you’re aware you stepped over the line.
I’d agree with another comment or that those texts might have reflected her day-of thoughts/immediate feelings and that her willingness to try again could have come from further reflection.
Just don’t bring a guy to meet your family until he’s ready to propose. That’s what I do. There’s no reason for a guy to get close to my family otherwise.
I think she was trying to make a joke, lacked reference material, and fell flat. She was probably looking for a response like…” lol, I’m Matthew but my friends call me Matt “ or something goofy like that, don’t take it too seriously, especially this early into knowing someone.
I said he picks her up and takes her to the mall or something 2 times a month. She hasn't been over our house.
So you treated this guy poorly while you were together initially. Flaked on dates and trips. Apparently you were not on the straight and narrow when it came to being faithful. And now sex with him repulses you? Honestly you sound like a nightmare. Just do this dude a favor and leave him alone.
???
Walk away it's really that simple you don't owe anyone anything
I’m so sorry! I bet you do feel so sad! I would too. You did the right thing. Keep being strong!
I saw your previous post on AITA, please do not marry this man! Your response is 100% normal and you are not a prude at all. Although the media often portrays strip clubs and strippers at bachelor parties as an okay and normal thing, none of the men I know have done this or would ever think that going to a strip club is acceptable behaviour when in a relationship, especially if their partner had expressed the feelings you previously had. Your post is heartbreaking to read that you’ve been so beaten down (presumably by him) into believing that it’s wrong of you to feel this way about him going to strip clubs and watching porn. It’s perfectly normal and you don’t need to feel ashamed or defend yourself for it.
His response to the situation is disgusting; not only did he get defensive and attack you but he turned off his location sharing, implying that the fucker STAYED AT THE STRIP CLUB!!! So your future wife is clearly distressed and hurt by your actions, so what do you do? Why you attack her and then continue the behaviour that is hurting her because you’re a dick. It seems he cares more about his bachelor party than the wedding it’s supposed to be about!
Please, PLEASE, call off the wedding for now and don’t allow yourself to be browbeaten into rescheduling it anytime soon. He hasn’t changed in the past, why would he change now?