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And your source for that amazingly random assertion?
Hey guys, I think we found the cheater – read all the comments this person tries to justify his behavior!
If you want to stay because you’re a coward, that’s entirely up to you. Losing friends ect is a valid fear, but not a reason to on-line the rest of your life in an abusive relationship, which is what this is. What you are doing is setting an awful example to your daughter about what to expect for the rest of her life. She can expect to be walked over, mistreated, ignored and to have to exist in the tiniest of boxes. She will learn this because you are more afraid of the opinions of strangers than you want to protect and do the best for your daughter. It’s up to you.
You should always communicate your concerns about anything in a relationship. Let her know it makes you uncomfortable. It may be that they continue to talk as friends because it just was incompatible as a relationship. Sometimes that can happen but – in my experience – it soon fades away and you become strangers again.
Yeah. If two people truly loved each other there’s no way in hell they can just remain friends, that would be too painful and unbearable.
Marriage guidance. I think you’ll resolve it with good communication channels
He told you he wasn't ready.
That sounds like a breakup to me.
Your next step should be to ask him. What do we do now? Directly ask if you are still together or is this a “break”.
Next he cheats it will be physical and he will cheat. Your boyfriend is actively looking for inconvenience outside your relationship.
Hey Champion, I think that most people would agree that it was hurtful and callous for your ex and ex friend to sleep together so quickly after a breakup, and then not mention it before you and her got back together. That’s shitty.
As far as the other friends go, perhaps all is not lost, and as someone principled (like it seems you are), your self respect, resolve and independence may be just what some of the others need to see.
Social dynamics are complicated and peer pressure/being socially acceptable are baked into us as a species. Therefore, it is conceivable that people ‘talking’ to them like nothing has happened may be more about avoiding social conflict / awkwardness, than anything else.
If I were you, I would consider the dynamics of your friendship group and your relationships with each individual within the circle. Whether individually there are people you value as friends and who value you.
Most social activities are a compromise- be it the bar you meet at, the clubs you go to, the games you play etc. if you share common interests with these valuable people, then go do that stuff instead of that the whole group is doing. Do it one-on-one outside of the wider group, and invest in time with them.
Perhaps identify activities that one part of the group likes but another doesn’t, and align yourself with the folks that would normally compromise by participating in the activities that your ex and ex friend are most likely to be invited to or appear at.
Then take the initiative and organise things with them and don’t invite your ex and ex friend.
Make sure you let the individuals know you appreciate them doing stuff with you, that it’s just awkward seeing the others, and that you’d rather being doing whatever this splinter activity is anyway.
As far as those people that are actively inviting them to stuff (which is also shitty and insensitive), make your feeling clear with your behaviour. Be stoic but not needy. Don’t cause drama, don’t force them to choose between inviting you or the others, just simply plan an alternative to their things and go elsewhere, or make your excuses and boot when the others arrive.
The thing about shitty people is that they are shitty to each other too, so find the solid ones, invest your time and effort in them, and grab some popcorn and wait for the shitty ones to start screwing each other over.
Good luck out there champion, independence is liberating and you might just find that by being independent some others within your group might be relieved and feel free to stop doing things they don’t really like anyway.
You got this.
It's actually the opposite. He's being toxic.
He wants you to continue putting energy into him and no one else while refusing to commit.
He's not just toxic. He's selfish.
My mother was a raging controlling perfectionist who was extremely unpredictable regarding reactivity. She died over 11 years ago and I am 43F now and still trying to process my childhood, my mother’s behaviour, and my resulting behaviour because of it.
My dad who is still alive at 75 thought she was perfect and would never say a bad word about her – she used to say to him (in French) “You may be a captain in the Air Force, but I am the General in this house.” The only difference is my dad put up with it.
My partner who I am with now has really helped me open my eyes to how shitty my immediate family was to me growing up. Since we were a military family it was just the 4 of us (I have a sister 14 months younger than me) – I was always the “problem child” – only left handed one in the family (devil), “too emotional”, the “fat” one, and the gay one. I don’t speak to my dad or my sister very often and they on-line very far from me.
Just a long story to say please remove yourself and your son from this situation as it sounds like it will only get worse. Your wife doesn’t see a problem as she IS the problem.
Telling an adult u don’t approve of their relationship is wild. It’s the audacity to think u can govern someone else’s life to get them to on-line it how you want them to
There is no reason for you to base your decision on her decision. He cheated, got her pregnant, and continues to spend time with her.
Why would you want him in your life? Chances are he will cheat again. You can't trust him.
First she gets a new job, goes NC with the AP, open device, open password open location
Next you both get STD tested
Move into Acceptance ? You won't, and you shouldn't, as the choice she made to cheat was unacceptable. She is ready to rug sweep and move on, that won't work for you.
You can forgive, but you will never forget. First you need to know what you are forgiving, the 3 weeks from flirt to sex sounds fishy, and the crying sounds unlikely.
Maybe you should address his fears and concerns?
Why is he changing his mind? Does he acknowledge that he did. What does extra time fix in his mind.
Ask him these.
What’s going on in the relationship that you looked through his phone?
I’d leave the message to his ex alone unless you’re prepared to dive into other areas of your relationship. Even then.
Okay, your bf has some serious issues. Couples counseling might help. Do not feel pressured to have children. You are absolutely right when you say he has no clue about all that is involved to have and raise a biological child. If your instinct is to be child-free, then that is your best course for the future. You two have a serious disconnect and I hope you’ll be able to get some couples counseling. Take care.
So stop giving this grown but apparently helpless man your phone…?
Chat with a lawyer 1st.
This was exhausting to read, she seems super controlling and I'd dip.