I (48f) don’t want to attend my daughter’s (27f) wedding

I was in a seemingly healthy marriage for 16 years. People loved my exhusband, including my parents. They thought the world of him. We had three children together and adopted three more older children. Our marriage wasn’t romantic, but we had a very healthy family life and that seemed like enough. Towards the end I found out he was a serial cheater (which my own mother blamed me for…this is relevant) and he did some things that made me realize he was not the man I thought he was, but nothing criminal to my knowledge at that point. I ended up divorcing him and I was seen as the horrible one because he was loved so much. This was the case even with my parents.

A couple years after the divorce he was arrested for doing some horrible, awful, terrible predatory things. The stuff of nightmares. He’s now going to spend the rest of his life in prison. It was a nightmare for us all and I’ve spent the last 5 years doing everything I can to build up my kids and help them through the grief, and they are doing very well! I’m so proud of all of them.

My mother, my own freaking mother, has decided that she’s going to try to get my kids in contact with their father. I have told my kids that I will stand by them if they ever wanted to contact him, but I would encourage them to do so with the help of a therapist (that I have offered to pay for). My ex is a truly horrible sociopath and very manipulative. It’s dangerous for them to have that contact. My mom has violated my wishes and made it her life’s mission to teach my kids that they need to forgive their dad. I am not a hateful person, but I also think it’s important to keep my kids safe from dangerous people. My mom is relentless and will not leave it alone, even when my kids have told her to leave them alone. As a result, I no longer speak to my mother at all. She is blocked on all my younger kids’ devices because she won’t stop.

So my oldest daughter is getting married next year. She is a great person. Very loving and kind, but because of the trauma she’s been through in her life (prior to her becoming my daughter, along with the situation with her dad), is very easily manipulated and super compliant. My mother has done a job on her. And my daughter is now in contact with her dad. I don’t begrudge her that, but my mom is heavily involved in it all. I’ve spoken my peace to my daughter and have told her I’m here for her in any way I can be.

Here’s the thing, my mom is very involved in my daughter’s life. My mom is helping to plan the wedding and I’m being left out of it. Fine. Whatever. But that’s not why I don’t want to go to the wedding. I simply do not want to ever see my mother again and I don’t want her around my younger children. I actually think it’s a truly dangerous situation. I need to protect their peace.

I want so much to be at my daughter’s wedding, but I think I am going to have to decline if my mother’s there. In fact, it will be my whole family and they’ve been truly horrid to me. They all feel sorry for my mom because I don’t speak to her. I have no doubt if I attended it would be horrible and I would be subjected to a lot of emotional abuse.

What is the best way I can support my daughter in this situation? I don’t want to give her an ultimatum. That feels cruel. And not attending feels very cruel. How can I work through this? Do I just go and do my best to keep my distance from my family, keeping my fingers crossed that nothing bad happens? Or is it okay to explain all this to my daughter, knowing it will certainly lead to her being hurt and being closer to my mother? I am so conflicted on what is the right thing to do here.