My (34f) husband (41m) of 11 years is grieving and his actions are making me unhappy
My(34 f) husband (41 m) have been married almost 12 years. He lost his best friend of 30 years John (not his real name) earlier this year and has been deeply grieving. He has been there for his friends widow Sara (not her real name), as he promised his best friend he would make sure she is taken care of if anything ever happened (they both made this promise to each other). Almost one month after losing John was our wedding anniversary, Sara asked husband to come to her house because they had their 1 year new home walk through coming up. Husband went to help for for a few hours on our anniversary instead of asking her to wait 1 day and doing it the day after. We also never did anything special to celebrate our anniversary later on the weekend. Then we had been driving and he was talking about John and unprompted let me know that if I had ever asked him to choose between me and John he would've divorced me.
It's been about 10 months since the passing, when husband talks to Sara he is still deeply affected. Shortly after he would call her and his mood would change but he wouldn't tell me they had talked. I told him i was uncomfortable that he was talking to her and letting it affect him like that and not telling me. He is still affected but will tell me within a day or so that they talked. But he still talks to her about missing John more so than he does me. He has only seen her a couple of times since John's passing without me but I don't think there's anything untoward during those times taking place.
I can understand his desire to make sure she is cared for and i even understand that he may want to share moments of missing john with her but what I am having trouble accepting is feeling like I as his wife am in second place to another woman. I never would ask him to choose because I don't think ultimatums are fair but I also never needed to be told I was never the most important person in his life. Ever since hearing that he would have left me I haven't been able to let myself talk to him about feeling insecure that he's so emotionally trauma bonded to another woman, especially a woman he has made me question if she is more important than I am becuase of the promise he made to his best friend. Is this just his grief, should I just be more accepting of what he is doing? Do I have any right to be upset at how he has made me feel? Is there a way I can talk to him about this without being accusatory?
He has already made it clear he is unwilling to go to therapy over his grief.
