My (34m) wife (39f) believes I only ever found her attractive and the now I’ve told the truth we are going to at breaking point

I don' t know who to turn to with this particular. We share friends and am can' t speak to my family because it will damage our wife' s relationship with these if I do. So I can be found, Reddit…

Early in our connection, I had very low self esteem and anxiety. My wife had insecurity and trust issues because she has been hurt in the past. We had a number of big fights towards the beginning that often finished in objects being tossed and broken, me having water poured on me in bed, or generally swapping horrible words until the earlier hours. Two particular arguments that happened early on (around 15 years ago) are usually key to what' s i9000 happened now. One is that will, while at the bar using a friend, I admitted to locating a celebrity attractive. My wife was very upset by this particular and it was brought up frequently. As time went on, We began to say that I didn' t really mean it that way and while, I think, it had been understood that I did it had been forgotten (or at least within the background) with years that will passed. The second is that I told my wife I can find individuals objectively attractive. This was abhorrent to her and one of our worst ever arguments. I had never been in altercations like this prior to so was left really traumatised by the verbal plus physical backlash to this revelation. To save myself and our own relationship, I said that We didn' t in fact find other people attractive, that I only had eyes for her, and as time passed she would take it up and I would continue doing this to keep things smooth.

Across the time of these arguments, I broke it off with her. She was a clutter. I finally agreed to speak and I told her my problems about her insecurities and how they were affecting me. The girl understood and said matters would be different if we returned together. They were, somewhat…

We have been very happy together for the majority of times. We have had big clashes and they are usually based throughout the themes I' ve layed out but , otherwise, we have an excellent relationship. I have never been unfaithful and wouldn' to dream of doing so. I love her and we are best friends.

Having said that, this has always been with the proviso that I act a certain way or follow certain guidelines. As mentioned, I have held the party line that I never find anyone else even objectively attractive. I watch porn in secret occasionally but have always insisted that I don' t. I don' t watch TV or films that have a lot of nudity. I actually don' t speak too favourably of other women. I don' t have any female friends that will aren' t also hers. I don' t go out to a bar with close friends without her. There are a lot more, but you get the idea.

I possess always justified the above simply by saying that all marriages, to work, need compromise. All relationships have problems. I love the girl and I want to make it work so I have been willing to compromise parts of my life for that. That said, I have always known that I am lying to her regarding my own sexuality and this provides caused me a lot of tension.

Recently I have learnt to get more self-confidence. I am increasing as a person. I realise that I can' t proceed lying to anyone, specifically my wife.

I am a big movie buff. Last week, I began watching a film while she was on the couch with me. In the first ten moments there was a topless girl. I cringed internally understanding my wife would be feeling irate and, sure enough, she was up and stormed away. I turned the film off. We spoke and she said she was dissatisfied that I would want to watch a movie like that. I finished watching it the next day (because I absolutely wanted to see it! ) and admitted this to her which caused the biggest argument we now have had in a long time. The lady said I disappointed her because she didn' capital t think I was ' that kind of man'. I said that I wasn' t watching it for that reason, that it was a classic film, and that it didn' t continue in the exact same vein. We eventually agreed this clash happened due to a communication breakdown. I should have reassured her and she should have spoken to me instead of walking aside. Afterwards, she said that she has always felt like she' h holding me back and it really is selfish to keep me to herself. She said that she feels like a broken dog in the pound no one would want. This particular hurt me. She has been saying similar since then plus feels like she is going to lose myself.

She mentioned in the past 7 days that she told a male colleague about how I used to find this celebrity (mentioned above) attractive and they have already been bringing it up a lot to her (not sure why). The lady asked me yesterday ' why did you find all of them attractive? ' I declared that I didn' t and never did, wanting to avoid the fight but knowing the girl knew better. She told me to stop lying so I declared that, yes, I did find them appealing and she knew that at the time. We spent the rest of the evening apart. In bed, the conversation continued, and I beat across the bush a lot, finding myself scared to speak the particular plain truth but , ultimately, I said that I do and can find people objectively attractive, that everyone does, which I' m sure she does too and that' s ok. I mentioned I still only have eye for her in that way and that I love her and nothing will change that. She said that I possess lied to her (which There are in this regard), the rely on we built the relationship upon has been broken, and that the lady doesn' t even understand me.

I feel terrible with a loss. We are because of be going on holiday immediately but I said I doubt that will happen and that we need to spend some time apart (this was not met favourably). I have to get my head straight because I don' t know what to think or feel. I actually realise I have wronged her by lying to her all this time when I thought I used to be doing the best thing for our romantic relationship. The last thing I ever wanted to do was to break the girl trust because it was so hard to build up. If I' d grown a pair sooner and stood my ground maybe the relationship wouldn' t have continued but at least We wouldn' t have deceived someone. This is a nude session I have learned.

I don' t know where we go from here. Do I open fully and be completely honest at the risk of harming her further? Do all of us break it off? A lot of me wants items back how they were and we can go on holiday and enjoy it… I don' t want to lose her but I don' t want to feel as if I have to lie or be controlled anymore.

Sorry for that long post, Reddit, yet I feel utterly alone. Thanks to reading this if you have.