The [26F] partner [29M] spanked his daughter [3F] in front of me

My boyfriend, " Nate", and I have been together meant for 4 and a half months, so it' s still fairly new. Our relationship progressed pretty quick because of two things: we were both recently out of very terrible extensive relationships so it was simple to lean on each other for support, and I accidentally met their daughter very early on.

Nate' s daughter will be lovely. I adore her. She' s autistic and a little bit behind with language so she acts younger compared to 3, but she' h an absolute joy to be around. I knew before meeting her that he spanks the girl on rare occasion as well as the only boundary I deposit about my being close to his kid is that I did not want him to spank her around me. He or she agreed to that and it hasn' t been an issue until last night.

She was cuddling up to me off and on after dinner and bit my arm a couple occasions. Once bad enough to verbally go " ouch! " but not any sort of long-lasting pain or anything. I simply moved my arm aside the first time and got upward after she did it another time ?‍♂️ Nate told her in a stern-but-gentle way to not bite. A few minutes later he was cuddled up to me personally and his daughter was clambering over out little hug puddle, and she bit their arm too.

Nate spanked her as an automated reaction and it freaked me the fuck out. Like, no hesitation between the being bit and swatting his daughter. It was just 1 smack but that' ersus still more than I think any child should be hit and it also was really jarring that not just did it happen in front of myself, but also when they were each snuggled up with me. I froze and got extremely quiet, his daughter ran around crying for a bit, and gave me space for a while (about an hour) to calm down before we talked.

2 important points about my needing space after that: I used to be beaten pretty badly by my father on a regular basis as a child, and I am also autistic. When something upsets me completely, I " go nonverbal" and feel like I in physical form can' t talk till I' ve self-regulated into a calmer headspace. Nate understands all this and was very sweet and gentle about giving me space whenever he saw how I clammed up after the spanking.

Whenever we talked I initiated this over text because even though we were in the same area, I was struggling to verbalize my feelings about it. I actually basically just reminded him that I had asked he not really do this around me and that I wouldn' t find him anymore if it occurred again, that redirection plus guidance should be the go-to for situations like that, and that his daughter isn' t aged enough or cognitively capable yet to understand why she' s being hit. After I got that out all of us talked a bit verbally and expressed that he knows (he used the word " knows" ) I' m correct, but that he was also sensation defensive. I decided to head home and we hugged just before I left.

We haven' t really discussed since last night, he sent me a couple snaps nowadays of his daughter lookin' cute and we talked about the snow a little. I' mirielle waiting for him to start more conversation about it since i have don' t want to make him feel attacked ig?

I don' t know what to do or say above this. I really like him, I love his daughter, I don' t want her to become hit, if he keeps spanking her (especially if this happens around me) I will leave but I also do not want to leave his girl without an adult around that will defend her when things like this happen. What do I do? Where do I go from this level? Did I handle it ok?

Pro-spanking comments will be very much ignored. Don' to hit children.

Edit: We are realizing now after this event, that my asking him to just not spank the girl around me was a sort of bullshit request. I don' t want to be with someone who hits their kid, whether or not I am present for it happening. So I have that thought and feeling to figure out ways to communicate when Nate and I talk next.

Edit2: This post has been up for about 4 hours and holy shiiiiit I did not expect this level of response. To bring clarifications We made in the comments up into the post and to address some questions/statements people have:

• I won' t consider guidance from people stating they' re pro-spanking because I don' t think children should be hit, period. There' s a boatload of science on how adversely this affects children and some beautiful people have linked to a number of these types of studies in the comments.

• Meeting her so early was an accident, and I followed Nate' h lead on what to do following the fact. I know and realize that I met her incredibly early & I plan to do my absolute damndest to avoid meeting a small child so early again merely date another single mother or father.

• I' m a bit confused about all of the accusations of me telling Nate how to parent. Hitting your child is literally illegal in some places and there' s a variety of studies detailing out just how it messes with mind development; more than anything most I' ve done is set a boundary for me personally and open a type of conversation to help him find out about that science, it' t not like I' m endeavoring to force ideas about how he or she should feed or get his daughter. ?‍♂️

Thank you to the small handful of level-headed, nuanced commenters that' ve given advice. I enjoy you.

UPDATE

Disappointing probably 80% of the comments section here, I had not left him, known as CPS, or learned the place as a lowly gf of 4 months.

What I did was send out him this post, to read via my POV and all the comments so that we could collaborate at the solution to this together. Many people discouraged communication that it actually cemented my feelings of just how important healthy conversation about this topic is, especially with someone I would prefer to keep in my life if good change is possible with this issue here.

I might perform a full update when all of the talking shakes out, but for now: we' re still together, and he' s i9000 going to try and stop carrying this out.

Thanks to everyone that gave nuanced advice between your points of " leave him" and " striking kids is fine, actually". ?