UPDATE: I [25M] have been on a few dates with a trans person [25MTF]. Is there any acceptable way to ask if they have had bottom surgery or not?

Previous post: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/16rr1ym/i_25m_have_been_on_a_few_dates_with_a_trans/?

I couldn't get the original throwaway account to work again so I had to make a new account.

Hello again everyone, I originally posted asking for advice a while ago and was honestly pretty shocked with the amount of replies I got. Apart from a few crazies on either side, the vast majority of the replies were helpful as well.

Given the number of replies originally I thought people might be interested in an update post so here it is.

There were a few questions that kept being asked so here are my answers:

1 – If she doesn't have bottom surgery why don't you just do anal?

I'm not into anal so I wouldn't be interested in that with a trans women or a cis woman

2 – Why are you leading her on by going on dates with her before asking about her genitals if that is a very hot boundry for you?

I think its rude to ask someone about their genitals before/on the first couple of dates lol

3 – Why is a penis a dealbreaker for you?

This seemed to cause some people a lot of offence and I got some very angry comments and messages about my “genital preferences” being transphobic and wrong (which seemed to be a very fringe opinion). I can't tell you the specific reason I'm not attracted to penises, presumably the reason that most other guys who consider themselves straight aren't attracted to other penises?

4 – Why are you going on dates with trans women if having a penis is a hard boundary for you?

I was originally under the impression that most trans women would have bottom surgery so I didn't think this would be a big problem. I've since learned that most trans women don't actually get bottom surgery but even so I think its still worth taking the time to go on dates with someone and find out because there are also a hundred reasons why I might decide to not date a cis woman after the 4th date.

Ok, so as I mentioned above, the main thing I learned from my original post is that the most trans people will never get bottom surgery. I had been under the impression that basically all trans people will have bottom surgery which was obviously not true. Knowing this, I decided that I definitely wanted to ask her in advance to prevent any embarrassing moments at my house. I also didn't want to ask her in a public setting in case the question upset her so I thought the best method would be to text her.

Shoutout to /u/FaeryRing who wrote an amazing message which I ended up using:

“Hey I've been really enjoying our dates so far a lot. I've lately been thinking about it and thought I should let you know that I do have some boundaries around sex relating to genitalia. I feel like we should discuss this before we go any further, to make sure we're not sexually incompatible on a fundamental level.”

As most people predicted, she wasn't offended and she had actually been planning on telling me the next time we met. The upshot is that she hasn't had bottom surgery yet but she is planning to have the operation and is actually on the waiting list. We live! in the UK so the procedure is free, however she told me that she has been on the waiting list for 3 years and is expecting another year wait before she can get the procedure done. She also told me that if we wanted to continue dating, she would be fine with not doing any sexual stuff that involved anything below her waist until she had fully transitioned.

I told her that's absolutely fine with me and she came around to my house for dinner and a movie like we had planned. I'm not going to go into details but I will say we did end up fooling around a little and it was honestly amazing. She ended up staying the night at my house and I asked her the next morning if she wanted to be official/exclusive with me and she said yes 🙂 .

So she's now my girlfriend and everything is going great. Yesterday we met up together with a few of my friends and they all really like her so I'm very optimistic that it's going to work out between us.

TLDR; I asked her about bottom surgery and she told me that she is on the waiting list for the procedure with hopefully a year left. We're now officially dating and everything is looking great