I'd say a medium amount of elaborate. We only really had an actual ceremony because it would be the only time my parents would see one of their children getting married and her parents didn't get to be apart of her siblings weddings. We were perfectly content just having a honeymoon by ourselves. We are both pretty introverted so this was just to please the family.
First of all, stop with the proposal plan thing. That's just cruel and misleading to her because this entire topic will probably come right out of the left field for her, since you didn't communicate this at all, apparently. This was already a topic with damage potential and this put another landmine of “You lied to me about your intentions” right on top of the “we might be fundamentally incompatible, we have to sort out some really big topics” nuke. No more letting this drag on while she has no clue you're so far removed in your stance.
There are two different issues here: 1) your inadequate communication about the topic of marriage and engagement, and her openly putting pressure onto you, and 2) your insecurity regarding marriage itself.
Why are you so scared of divorce, exactly? If it's the money, do you have a premarital asset you want to protect? Is it the fact that you two might split up down the line, even though you vowed you wouldn't do that?
Look, people are allowed to want or not want marriage for all sorts of reasons. But you need to know exactly WHY you don't want to marry in general. Because, especially with my last question, I can assure you that a lot of couples split up no matter whether they're married or not. Not marrying her, but staying with her for the next forty years and THEN splitting up would have basically exactly the same consequences as getting divorced, especially if you two mingle finances and responsibilities down the road by buying a house together or having children. You're just denying her her dream of being married – for seemingly the same downsides you'd have WITH a marriage.
So, unless you plan on, say, denying her alimony by making her stay home for the children, then split from her when she's been out of a job for twelve years due to being a full time mom, there seems to be a lack of clear and rational motivation behind your choice to not want a marriage. I know that sounds drastic, but marriage is, especially for people who want children and who want to grow old and sickly together, a safety net that no party is left in the dust with nothing, no rights, no money, no next of kin status in case of death, sickness or divorce.
You really need to think about your reasons here. If they're mostly on an emotional level due to seeing all your relatives go through it, then you should look into individual therapy to deal with this because you're letting other people's trauma hinder YOU from making a decision based on more rational grounds. Your potential marriage isn't destined to have the same outcome as the other marriages you've seen fail. And you can't trick fate if you two truly are incompatible, by deciding that you can't get divorced if you two never marry. Either you two fit or you don't, and a marriage isn't going to change your compatabilities. It's a gesture and legal protection, not a “Let's break up” spell. Sure, some people change after getting married, but you also can't outrun a secretely crappy person by trying to never introduce them into a potentially personality-changing situation.
You can still decide that you don't want to get married, but then you'll finally be able to articulate why you don't want to. You will finally be able to talk with your fiancé about this and see if this is a deal breaker for this relationship, without feeling like you let someone else decide for you whether you two stay together or not.
All in all, you should really talk with your girlfriend about how you feel AND about how you're not going to propose to her in Paris. The first part is because she deserves to know this info and make up her mind if she wants to stay or not if your stance remains unchanged, and the second part is so that she has no expectations about that specific situation and consequently won't get increasingly frustrated and sad over the course of your Paris trip.
Both conversations are hard. But they need to be done. And you really, really need to figure out why you don't want to marry in general and whether you would give up the love of your life for that decision. You both are entitled to choose your stance. But if they aren't compatible, then you need to compromise or break up – there's no way around being an adult here.
False accusations are super rare, it's way more likely she was actually raped given that the actual medical professionals seem to think that's what happened.
You need to get yourself better before you work on anything else. If you’ve still got depression, ptsd etc how can you be expected to “fix” whatever is wrong.
Also, having a baby is hard. Very very hot. And some people react to it differently. I found having my own free/down time slashed by dad duties really difficult to get over and babies give you nothing in return which is quite a shock to the system.
My now husband lent me 700 just 4 months into dating and I didn’t ask. I mentioned how frustrating that work is slow and by the time I pay my bills they’ll all be late. So he handed me money and said give it back when you can. I paid 100 a week until he was paid! I couldn’t stand the thought of him having to wait for me so he could pay his bills. He could definitely pay his bills without me paying him back but I didn’t like the feeling of it. I just looked at your ages and he is 11 years older. You are still getting your career on track. He should (at his age) know the ebb and flow of his work and save for the lean months. The fact that he hasn’t said anything and putting you down for being “overly” worried is a red flag. You aren’t overly worried you are appropriately worried about money your grown ass boyfriend hasn’t made a single attempt to talk about what he owes you, let alone PAY YOU BACK!! He needs a hard timeline of when you expect to be paid back. Then regardless of what happens you get rid of him. He’s clearly unreliable
Life is about choices. She’s making the one she feels is right. I was in a similar circumstance several years ago and my husband had to decide whether to take time off his brand new job for my brain surgery where we had to travel far away for. He had just started his new job and could have easily lost it. He didn’t even consider not being there. That was very telling. We weren’t in a position where us both not working was feasible but it was worth the risk to him. She’s not willing to risk one day off. That decision is on her but he shouldn’t be expected to be understanding and accepting of that. Going through a medical procedure to possibly get your ability to walk back is major. The fact that she is okay with missing it is telling. It doesn’t make her a bad person but it does convey that she doesn’t value the relationship.
Yeah she’s just manipulating you with the threat of suicide. If she threatens suicide, call the police and tell them. And that guy hopefully is not your friend anymore.
Maybe scrap text messages and return to how communication was 40 years ago. Give each other a call, or meet in person. ANYONE not willing to talk to you in person, 2nd best on a call, is not worth your time
Where the friends you were talking to men or women? She might have gotten the wrong impression and thought you were chatting up other women. Regardless the way she handled that was toxic and I recommend putting some distance in your relationship since this will not be a healthy one.
I would move on, you’re not compatible
I'd say a medium amount of elaborate. We only really had an actual ceremony because it would be the only time my parents would see one of their children getting married and her parents didn't get to be apart of her siblings weddings. We were perfectly content just having a honeymoon by ourselves. We are both pretty introverted so this was just to please the family.
She is willing to deceive you to get what she wants. I think that says it all.
First of all, stop with the proposal plan thing. That's just cruel and misleading to her because this entire topic will probably come right out of the left field for her, since you didn't communicate this at all, apparently. This was already a topic with damage potential and this put another landmine of “You lied to me about your intentions” right on top of the “we might be fundamentally incompatible, we have to sort out some really big topics” nuke. No more letting this drag on while she has no clue you're so far removed in your stance.
There are two different issues here: 1) your inadequate communication about the topic of marriage and engagement, and her openly putting pressure onto you, and 2) your insecurity regarding marriage itself.
Why are you so scared of divorce, exactly? If it's the money, do you have a premarital asset you want to protect? Is it the fact that you two might split up down the line, even though you vowed you wouldn't do that?
Look, people are allowed to want or not want marriage for all sorts of reasons. But you need to know exactly WHY you don't want to marry in general. Because, especially with my last question, I can assure you that a lot of couples split up no matter whether they're married or not. Not marrying her, but staying with her for the next forty years and THEN splitting up would have basically exactly the same consequences as getting divorced, especially if you two mingle finances and responsibilities down the road by buying a house together or having children. You're just denying her her dream of being married – for seemingly the same downsides you'd have WITH a marriage.
So, unless you plan on, say, denying her alimony by making her stay home for the children, then split from her when she's been out of a job for twelve years due to being a full time mom, there seems to be a lack of clear and rational motivation behind your choice to not want a marriage. I know that sounds drastic, but marriage is, especially for people who want children and who want to grow old and sickly together, a safety net that no party is left in the dust with nothing, no rights, no money, no next of kin status in case of death, sickness or divorce.
You really need to think about your reasons here. If they're mostly on an emotional level due to seeing all your relatives go through it, then you should look into individual therapy to deal with this because you're letting other people's trauma hinder YOU from making a decision based on more rational grounds. Your potential marriage isn't destined to have the same outcome as the other marriages you've seen fail. And you can't trick fate if you two truly are incompatible, by deciding that you can't get divorced if you two never marry. Either you two fit or you don't, and a marriage isn't going to change your compatabilities. It's a gesture and legal protection, not a “Let's break up” spell. Sure, some people change after getting married, but you also can't outrun a secretely crappy person by trying to never introduce them into a potentially personality-changing situation.
You can still decide that you don't want to get married, but then you'll finally be able to articulate why you don't want to. You will finally be able to talk with your fiancé about this and see if this is a deal breaker for this relationship, without feeling like you let someone else decide for you whether you two stay together or not.
All in all, you should really talk with your girlfriend about how you feel AND about how you're not going to propose to her in Paris. The first part is because she deserves to know this info and make up her mind if she wants to stay or not if your stance remains unchanged, and the second part is so that she has no expectations about that specific situation and consequently won't get increasingly frustrated and sad over the course of your Paris trip.
Both conversations are hard. But they need to be done. And you really, really need to figure out why you don't want to marry in general and whether you would give up the love of your life for that decision. You both are entitled to choose your stance. But if they aren't compatible, then you need to compromise or break up – there's no way around being an adult here.
False accusations are super rare, it's way more likely she was actually raped given that the actual medical professionals seem to think that's what happened.
You need to get yourself better before you work on anything else. If you’ve still got depression, ptsd etc how can you be expected to “fix” whatever is wrong.
Also, having a baby is hard. Very very hot. And some people react to it differently. I found having my own free/down time slashed by dad duties really difficult to get over and babies give you nothing in return which is quite a shock to the system.
My now husband lent me 700 just 4 months into dating and I didn’t ask. I mentioned how frustrating that work is slow and by the time I pay my bills they’ll all be late. So he handed me money and said give it back when you can. I paid 100 a week until he was paid! I couldn’t stand the thought of him having to wait for me so he could pay his bills. He could definitely pay his bills without me paying him back but I didn’t like the feeling of it. I just looked at your ages and he is 11 years older. You are still getting your career on track. He should (at his age) know the ebb and flow of his work and save for the lean months. The fact that he hasn’t said anything and putting you down for being “overly” worried is a red flag. You aren’t overly worried you are appropriately worried about money your grown ass boyfriend hasn’t made a single attempt to talk about what he owes you, let alone PAY YOU BACK!! He needs a hard timeline of when you expect to be paid back. Then regardless of what happens you get rid of him. He’s clearly unreliable
Life is about choices. She’s making the one she feels is right. I was in a similar circumstance several years ago and my husband had to decide whether to take time off his brand new job for my brain surgery where we had to travel far away for. He had just started his new job and could have easily lost it. He didn’t even consider not being there. That was very telling. We weren’t in a position where us both not working was feasible but it was worth the risk to him. She’s not willing to risk one day off. That decision is on her but he shouldn’t be expected to be understanding and accepting of that. Going through a medical procedure to possibly get your ability to walk back is major. The fact that she is okay with missing it is telling. It doesn’t make her a bad person but it does convey that she doesn’t value the relationship.
He‘s so not worth it. You deserve much much better than him.
That’s not normal at all. Are there drugs involved?
Hope she isn't having some sort of postpartum psychosis and actually thinks the fictional character is real.
They can go straight to a psychiatrist to get her evaluated.
Yeah she’s just manipulating you with the threat of suicide. If she threatens suicide, call the police and tell them. And that guy hopefully is not your friend anymore.
as soon as a man starts talking about disrespect I start planning my exit
Maybe scrap text messages and return to how communication was 40 years ago. Give each other a call, or meet in person. ANYONE not willing to talk to you in person, 2nd best on a call, is not worth your time
Where the friends you were talking to men or women? She might have gotten the wrong impression and thought you were chatting up other women. Regardless the way she handled that was toxic and I recommend putting some distance in your relationship since this will not be a healthy one.
Lmfaooo I’m fit, so sorry :((
Honestly, you cannot control what she does. Break up, find someone with similar priorities