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Then it may be time for the ultimatum. You aren't his therapist, and you don't have to subject yourself to being interrogated and mistreated by him during these episodes.
Just be prepared to follow through if you do go this route.
Honestly the best situation in this case would be to break off the relationship. Not only because it is infringing on your mental health but also because she has started looking at her journey with sexual trauma as something she is doing for you.
Dealing with that type of religious trauma is something that she should be looking at completely selfishly. It’s something extremely personal. The solution doesn’t have to be to have sex, and staying in a relationship with someone who desires that type of intimacy will unintentionally steer it in that direction.
Breaking off the relationship will allow you to regain some security in your personal image and will allow her to explore her sexual trauma in a way were she won’t have to constantly worry for others.
If telling her all that would make you feel better, then go ahead. Just dont wait for a response (or an apology), dont even give her the opportunity to do so. Send it, then block. At the end of your message, tell her to stop contacting you or you'll be forced to press charges for harassment.
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I’m assuming OP would have stated if they didn’t flush them. She expresses that she was scared it could’ve been her fault in response to her partners accusations (which NTA and OP get out of there)
Also, to anyone else who didn’t know about not being able to flush them down the toilet until recently, me too. My mom taught me to do that, and on top of that, the whole process is so messy I had absolutely no idea it was not normal to do that until I talked with my friends.
I've been to the barber with my husband before, he also sometimes goes on his own, depends what else we have going on. Neither of us are bothered either way.
He sexually assaulted me but said it is how I look at it and he isn't and just keep making mistakes. So I tried to calm down. He would get mad if I listened to others over him.
He did get violent. I did keep asking him what was wrong.
In Jan he wanted 2 weeks without contact. I tried putting his needs first but then left in 1 week saying I'm done. He came back and kept dumping me multiple times.
I should have mentioned in my original post that the terminology I was using was what said to me and not what I actually recall saying. I don’t know what I said, and I don’t mean to offend anyone who is transgender and I apologize for that truly.
Thank you so much for responding in such a polite and thoughtful way. I want to read your post over a few more times and give a more thoughtful response here soon too.
Why is it YOUR responsibility that HE changes his behavior? Is not. You own your own brain and you can only control your own actions. He own his brain and he's responsible for HIS actions, you cannot, literally cannot, change his thoughts. And honestly it's quite alarming that he “accidentally” hit you… a few TIMES? Like, multiple times? If he was a good person, a traumatized person but fundamentally good, he would have been ALARMED at HIMSELF for hitting you with an object ONE time. And he would have signed up for therapy immediately, right that instant, horrified of himself and really wanting to undo his trauma in order to do better, be better, and altogether stop being dangerous. He would have profusely apologized and would have told you that he understood if you wanted to never see him again as a consequence of his actions, but that he was determined to get to the root of his anger, and find healthy ways to manifest his frustration that are not terrorize you or put you in physical danger. However… he didn't do any of this, and he's STILL throwing items and still terrorizing you. And honestly, if you, who are a full adult, are terrorized by this behavior, imagine a fragile tiny child, defenseless, innocent, witnessing their father go into incontrollable rage. That's exactly how you generate traumatized children that then grow up into dysfunctional adults.
And no, you can't force your husband to go into therapy or make an ultimatum, it just won't work. Your husband will lie to the therapist if he agrees to go. Therapy only works if you WANT to be there. It's like going to the doctor and the doctor gives you a medicine… if you don't take it, like in actually making the effort to swallow the pill and doing it at the indicated times the doctor prescribed it and for as long as the treatment will last… going to the doctor is useless, you won't heal unless you take the prescribed medicine and only you can take it, another person can't take it for you. Same with therapy, the therapist will recommend steps to take that you have to work on yourself, you have to do the work, it doesn't do miracles and people don't get better just by showing up to the therapist office. Does your husband really WANT to fix his deep anger problem? Really? If he says yes, is he saying the truth? What visible steps, sustained in time, is he taking? Also, a few times a year of this behavior is a lot. Because you never know when will this happen, and you live in permanent terror and uneasy ALL the time. You can't relax in your own home, because your brain is scanning, all the time, for signs that he will do this, even if that day he doesn't. I agree with other commenters that tell you to leave, because you can't fix other people and you can't live! in permanent tension, it's bad for your health
Why would she take time off to meet your friends? I don’t take off work to just hang out with people. My PTO is limited and precious. Taking time off work to go on a TRIP out of town is entirely different.
If you want to spend the whole day with your friends, that’s fine, just have her join you for a meal before/after her work schedule and she can still meet them.
Info: do you have any special occasions coming in the next 2-3 months (birthday, anniversary, etc)? If so, here's a thought. You said she's going back to where she grew up, which presumably means she knows a few people in the area.
Is there any chance she is planning to surprise you with some boudoir pictures? That would explain the lingerie, and hiding messages (not wanting you to see messages from the photographer for session planning). She would have family available to watch the kids while she does this, and wouldn't need to take time off work or figure out a cover story for a session on the weekend like she would need to at home.
I do believe that people make mistakes, I’d let her a second chance if you actually see her as a partner in her future. Let’s be honest perusing someone directly after a breakup is never a good idea, maybe she didn’t want you to be the rebound, maybe she just wanted to feel wanted at the moment, you don’t know what’s in her head, but I do believe that we are all humans. If you’re not ready to forget this and get over it fast ( basically never bring it up again ), then let her go.
This might just be my only child talking but if my sibling started dating a friend of mine, a CLOSE friend of mine, I wouldn’t care. I’d actually be relieved that I know the person, who they are as a person as well. It’s probably strange for her to think abt her little brother having sex lol, but it’s genuinely an over reaction, and it sounds like she’s looking for support by telling everyone and she isn’t rly getting it. I think you should make it clear to her your intentions were not to wound, but you and her brother are god damn adults and you can make your own choices. If she can’t get over it, her loss ¯\ (ツ) /¯
Agree with another commenter you can do it Iverson the phone. Don't be bullied into thinking you owe him a face-to-face convo. If he tries to make it happen in person, tell him you don't think you can hold your breath that long.
I’ve known two different women who were in similar situations as you: the boyfriend moved in with them in another state and then he basically fell apart. He regressed in some way and became a man-child. One of them even was a unhygienic slob like your bf.
In both cases it turned out the bf was mentally ill in some way and unmedicated. Neither of them was willing to change in any way, and the gf was tormented by guilt: if we break up, he will have no one. He’ll have to move to another state. Etc.
In both cases they eventually (!) did dump the guy, and the guy was indeed a mess afterwards. I would argue neither was MORE a mess than before the break up, but whatever…
Anyway the point of this is: neither woman felt at all bad afterwards. The only regret was not doing it earlier. The time before the break up was time wasted.
You can do this. You must. Because the alternative is terrible.
As an FYI one of the guys did clean up considerably after the break up, but it was on his own. He seems happy now; presumably he fixed whatever it was making him a mess. I don’t know what happened to the other one (I wasn’t friends with either of these guys).
Girl, your boyfriend is just as misogynistic as his friend.
Don’t date someone who doesn’t like or respect you.
Also – men who have misogynistic friends are misogynists. There isn’t grey area here. Men who actually respect and like women do not have friends who hate women.
Then it may be time for the ultimatum. You aren't his therapist, and you don't have to subject yourself to being interrogated and mistreated by him during these episodes.
Just be prepared to follow through if you do go this route.
If he is lying I’m definitely going to have to sit down and really reevaluate some things.
Dude you’re not the father, you’re not married and you don’t want to be involved. You should leave – the child is not your responsibility.
So, how does this resentment and jealousy play out, if you don't mind me asking? What is the reaction in your relationship?
Honestly the best situation in this case would be to break off the relationship. Not only because it is infringing on your mental health but also because she has started looking at her journey with sexual trauma as something she is doing for you.
Dealing with that type of religious trauma is something that she should be looking at completely selfishly. It’s something extremely personal. The solution doesn’t have to be to have sex, and staying in a relationship with someone who desires that type of intimacy will unintentionally steer it in that direction.
Breaking off the relationship will allow you to regain some security in your personal image and will allow her to explore her sexual trauma in a way were she won’t have to constantly worry for others.
Which do you want it to be?
Reading this made my head hurt a little. It needs a little more information and a little less complication. Like a relationship
If telling her all that would make you feel better, then go ahead. Just dont wait for a response (or an apology), dont even give her the opportunity to do so. Send it, then block. At the end of your message, tell her to stop contacting you or you'll be forced to press charges for harassment.
Well most people are not clear in whatever they want, so they give out useless hints making people waste their times.
you on the other hand are as clear as water with whatever you want, he will either take it or not making you not waste time.
I actually advice people too be clear from the beginning, it makes the whole relationship whether this is friendship or a relationship much better.
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And what do you do then?
I’m assuming OP would have stated if they didn’t flush them. She expresses that she was scared it could’ve been her fault in response to her partners accusations (which NTA and OP get out of there)
Also, to anyone else who didn’t know about not being able to flush them down the toilet until recently, me too. My mom taught me to do that, and on top of that, the whole process is so messy I had absolutely no idea it was not normal to do that until I talked with my friends.
slept on the floor… slept head to toe…
6 fucking years old ? What’s up with his ex ?
As a guy, he is full of shit and he got caught out.
Thanks for this. Maybe I just needed someone who’s going thru the same things my wife does to understand and know more on how to handle her.
You still care too much what he thinks or what he wants.
You literally don’t have to talk to him at all, about ANYTHING.
Let him wallow in his major loss. Don’t let him spin it on you. Just don’t respond at all.
Four months seems like a good time, unless he has talked about wanting kids already.
I've been to the barber with my husband before, he also sometimes goes on his own, depends what else we have going on. Neither of us are bothered either way.
I just wanted advice. Sheesh.
He sexually assaulted me but said it is how I look at it and he isn't and just keep making mistakes. So I tried to calm down. He would get mad if I listened to others over him.
He did get violent. I did keep asking him what was wrong.
In Jan he wanted 2 weeks without contact. I tried putting his needs first but then left in 1 week saying I'm done. He came back and kept dumping me multiple times.
I should have mentioned in my original post that the terminology I was using was what said to me and not what I actually recall saying. I don’t know what I said, and I don’t mean to offend anyone who is transgender and I apologize for that truly.
Thank you so much for responding in such a polite and thoughtful way. I want to read your post over a few more times and give a more thoughtful response here soon too.
sometimes men are just shady. it could be for so many reasons but you won’t really know even if you ask him. just move on
Laugh at him whenever he brings it up, he's being absurd
Why is it YOUR responsibility that HE changes his behavior? Is not. You own your own brain and you can only control your own actions. He own his brain and he's responsible for HIS actions, you cannot, literally cannot, change his thoughts. And honestly it's quite alarming that he “accidentally” hit you… a few TIMES? Like, multiple times? If he was a good person, a traumatized person but fundamentally good, he would have been ALARMED at HIMSELF for hitting you with an object ONE time. And he would have signed up for therapy immediately, right that instant, horrified of himself and really wanting to undo his trauma in order to do better, be better, and altogether stop being dangerous. He would have profusely apologized and would have told you that he understood if you wanted to never see him again as a consequence of his actions, but that he was determined to get to the root of his anger, and find healthy ways to manifest his frustration that are not terrorize you or put you in physical danger. However… he didn't do any of this, and he's STILL throwing items and still terrorizing you. And honestly, if you, who are a full adult, are terrorized by this behavior, imagine a fragile tiny child, defenseless, innocent, witnessing their father go into incontrollable rage. That's exactly how you generate traumatized children that then grow up into dysfunctional adults.
And no, you can't force your husband to go into therapy or make an ultimatum, it just won't work. Your husband will lie to the therapist if he agrees to go. Therapy only works if you WANT to be there. It's like going to the doctor and the doctor gives you a medicine… if you don't take it, like in actually making the effort to swallow the pill and doing it at the indicated times the doctor prescribed it and for as long as the treatment will last… going to the doctor is useless, you won't heal unless you take the prescribed medicine and only you can take it, another person can't take it for you. Same with therapy, the therapist will recommend steps to take that you have to work on yourself, you have to do the work, it doesn't do miracles and people don't get better just by showing up to the therapist office. Does your husband really WANT to fix his deep anger problem? Really? If he says yes, is he saying the truth? What visible steps, sustained in time, is he taking? Also, a few times a year of this behavior is a lot. Because you never know when will this happen, and you live in permanent terror and uneasy ALL the time. You can't relax in your own home, because your brain is scanning, all the time, for signs that he will do this, even if that day he doesn't. I agree with other commenters that tell you to leave, because you can't fix other people and you can't live! in permanent tension, it's bad for your health
Why would she take time off to meet your friends? I don’t take off work to just hang out with people. My PTO is limited and precious. Taking time off work to go on a TRIP out of town is entirely different.
If you want to spend the whole day with your friends, that’s fine, just have her join you for a meal before/after her work schedule and she can still meet them.
Info: do you have any special occasions coming in the next 2-3 months (birthday, anniversary, etc)? If so, here's a thought. You said she's going back to where she grew up, which presumably means she knows a few people in the area.
Is there any chance she is planning to surprise you with some boudoir pictures? That would explain the lingerie, and hiding messages (not wanting you to see messages from the photographer for session planning). She would have family available to watch the kids while she does this, and wouldn't need to take time off work or figure out a cover story for a session on the weekend like she would need to at home.
I do believe that people make mistakes, I’d let her a second chance if you actually see her as a partner in her future. Let’s be honest perusing someone directly after a breakup is never a good idea, maybe she didn’t want you to be the rebound, maybe she just wanted to feel wanted at the moment, you don’t know what’s in her head, but I do believe that we are all humans. If you’re not ready to forget this and get over it fast ( basically never bring it up again ), then let her go.
This might just be my only child talking but if my sibling started dating a friend of mine, a CLOSE friend of mine, I wouldn’t care. I’d actually be relieved that I know the person, who they are as a person as well. It’s probably strange for her to think abt her little brother having sex lol, but it’s genuinely an over reaction, and it sounds like she’s looking for support by telling everyone and she isn’t rly getting it. I think you should make it clear to her your intentions were not to wound, but you and her brother are god damn adults and you can make your own choices. If she can’t get over it, her loss ¯\ (ツ) /¯
Updateme!
Agree with another commenter you can do it Iverson the phone. Don't be bullied into thinking you owe him a face-to-face convo. If he tries to make it happen in person, tell him you don't think you can hold your breath that long.
I’ve known two different women who were in similar situations as you: the boyfriend moved in with them in another state and then he basically fell apart. He regressed in some way and became a man-child. One of them even was a unhygienic slob like your bf.
In both cases it turned out the bf was mentally ill in some way and unmedicated. Neither of them was willing to change in any way, and the gf was tormented by guilt: if we break up, he will have no one. He’ll have to move to another state. Etc.
In both cases they eventually (!) did dump the guy, and the guy was indeed a mess afterwards. I would argue neither was MORE a mess than before the break up, but whatever…
Anyway the point of this is: neither woman felt at all bad afterwards. The only regret was not doing it earlier. The time before the break up was time wasted.
You can do this. You must. Because the alternative is terrible.
As an FYI one of the guys did clean up considerably after the break up, but it was on his own. He seems happy now; presumably he fixed whatever it was making him a mess. I don’t know what happened to the other one (I wasn’t friends with either of these guys).
Girl, your boyfriend is just as misogynistic as his friend.
Don’t date someone who doesn’t like or respect you.
Also – men who have misogynistic friends are misogynists. There isn’t grey area here. Men who actually respect and like women do not have friends who hate women.
grow up maybe?