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If someone swears they are not like something, they usually are. Get rid you deserve better.
Oh boo hoo, I'm hurt.
What the fuck you just asked? Are you high?
Broken trust is like broken glass..Can you forget it, or always be on guard?
At risk of overwhelming you with TMI, OP, I want to address one more comment of yours:
My joke was either in poor taste or she took it poorly… Nothing in particular has happened to put her in a negative mood that I'm aware of.
If you are in a BPD relationship, OP, whatever you do will be hurtful to her much of the time. A comment or action that pleases her on one day may greatly offend her when repeated a week later.
Moreover, she often will perceive you as being hurtful when you DO something and hurtful when you DON'T do it. You therefore often are damned if you do and damned if you don't.
This conundrum is due to the position of her two great fears — abandonment and engulfment — at opposite ends of the very same spectrum. This means you often find yourself in a lose/lose situation because, as you back away from one fear to avoid triggering it, you will start triggering the fear at the other end of that same spectrum.
Your predicament is that the solution to calming her abandonment fear (drawing close and being intimate) is the very action that triggers her engulfment fear. Likewise, the solution to calming her engulfment fear (moving back away to give her breathing space) is the very action that triggers her abandonment fear.
Consequently, as you move close to comfort her and assure her of your love, you eventually will start triggering her engulfment fear, making her feel like she's being suffocated and controlled by you. A pwBPD usually craves intimacy like nearly all other adults — but she cannot tolerate it for very long.
Because she has a weak sense of self-identity, she easily becomes very enmeshed in your strong personality during sustained periods of closeness and intimacy. This is why her sense of personal boundaries is so weak that she has difficulty seeing where HER feelings and problems stop and YOURS begin. Yet, as you back away to give her breathing space, you often will find that you've started triggering her abandonment fear.
In my 15 years of experience with my BPD exW, I found that there is no midpoints solution (between “too close” and “too far away”) where you can safely stand to avoid triggering those two fears. Until a pwBPD learns how to better regulate her own emotions and tame her two fears, that Goldilocks position will not exist. This is why a relationship with an untreated pwBPD typically is characterized by a repeating cycle of push-you-away and pull-you-back.
Indeed, even if you are sitting perfectly still and not saying a word, a pwBPD who is experiencing hurtful feelings will project those feelings onto you. Her subconscious does this to protect her fragile ego from seeing too much of reality — and to externalize the pain, getting it outside her body.
Because that projection occurs entirely at the subconscious level, she will consciously be convinced that the painful feeling or hurtful thought is coming from you. This is why an untreated pwBPD usually BELIEVES the false accusations coming out of her mouth (at the moment she is saying them).
Hence, as long as you remain in a relationship with an untreated pwBPD, you often will find yourself hurting her — i.e., triggering her engulfment fear as you draw near, triggering her abandonment fear as you draw back, and triggering her anger even when you are sitting still and saying absolutely nothing. At least, this has been my experience, OP.
I read a post yesterday about a similar situation, a young couple, the guy was trying to encourage his girl to live! a healthier lifestyle after she had put on a fairly decent amount of weight, she wasn't having it and eventually banned him from talking about it.. people in the comments ripping on this guy, calling him an Ahole, reddit might just be the worst place to come to for this kind of topic
I have never let my family pick and choose my partners. If they like them, cool, if not, too bad. Family approval is definitely a plus but it's never been a big deal to me. If you want to be with this person, they should just have to put up with it.
What’s the question? Should you care only about the kids or only about your SO? Why not both? Isn’t that what a family is, caring about all at once? If it’s about finances, your grown children are grown. They should be able to live! on their own. If they ask for a little money for pg&e or some groceries, that’s fine. But like, buying them a new car? No. Take that money and take your wife somewhere on a vacation. The only child that you should be real responsible for still is the one still in school. Once they go on and go to school, get a job etc. show them how to be an adult. And afterwards open a bottle of wine and say “honey we did good today” and love each other.
This is my thought exactly. I used to hike with a male friend because his gifriend (who I am close with) just wasn't interested BUT SHE KNEW. And like, she did not care at all and we all trust one another but I reapect her enough to be like 'Hey I'm going hiking with x tomorrow and it'll be fun but if you wanna join in you can!' even knowing she didn't want to.
One day you will learn this.
A lot of women like to complain about things and just have someone listen. Going to the gym and working out isn't something everyone has the desire to do. Because as bad as this sounds, it's physically too challenge for many people.
It would be like if she were a professional debater and you hated public speaking. But then she insisted on you spending more time with her by joining the debates. Even if you deep down inside wanted to be a better speaker.
I don’t think it’s a weird request at all. She’s probably asking all her friends to leave fake reviews.
Do you have children? Im like genuinly curious how people decide for sure if they want kids or not. Sometimes I actually do think I might want them, but then I get grossed out. Like is this a normal journey people go on?
Eviction notice and don't be there to accept his child!! Go visit family with your kids and let him be screwed for his child's care!
You’re obsessing. I’d do the same.
Jesus.
She isn’t “forgetting” about you. She’s doing other things.
Dude… get help.
I'm not so sure, her last ex was really something special. Somehow this guy is an improvement (a tiny tiny one) but an improvement none the less.
In that relationship she had been totally mentally dominated as well as love starved. In this relationship because of his love bombing I'm not sure she'll ever see he issue. She has even said things like, and I'm quoting.
“even if he hit me I'd never leave him”
“he lets me eat when I need to so that must be love”
You both need time to mature.
Not good
Talk to her about it and ask her to teach you to be the best lover you can be.
Oh did I hit a nerve? ?
Rubber lips on a woodpecker is my band name of the week.
I didn't mean it as tough love, I am not good at tone. You're only at an impasse if you want to give it up. If you really want a future together both of you need to work towards it. Therapy or counseling together may help.
You're very set on the goal and you're forgetting the person you want to reach the goal with. If you do love him that much and he loves you in kind, you should be able to work towards what you both want.
He's stayed hopefully because he loved you and was waiting for things to change. There seems to be a major breakdown in your communication with one another. A third party might really help you both.
Dude stop wasting both your and her time, admit you just dont trust her, and break up. She was clearly joking around with a friend.
People can be stubborn. A group therapy session sounds perfect, almost like it would a great step between checks notes cutting them out of your and your children's life for all time.
I am sorry. Drugs are nude. They can take over a person and take over their mind. Try to get him help. Rehab is a start. He he doesn't want help then you can't make a man change. Run, don't ruin your life for a man