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No to all of that.
First of all 30 isnt high for a 35 year old. And the fact that he shames you while his body count is more than 10 times as high, is an horrible double standard based on misogynistic sterotypes. I dont think you can fix his point of view, neither should you try to. I'm sure if you stay in this relationship you'll always be shamed for it. Furthermore your feelings for him should be enough to make him feel special, not that he is the first one who penetrates your vagina. Just think about it, this is absolutely rediculous. Besides that if he considers himself a high value man, he shouldn't have to sleep with every women he is able to
You said he makes fun of it and just laughs after a joke or two. You sound like you make arguments because you're pissy.
DON'T DO THAT
Do not agree to anything that you are not enthusiastic about.
If this relationship is one that you want to be long term then I suggest that you get couples counselling to help you work out these issues before you have any further commitments.
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She's cheating and will cheat no matter what! You do have a choice and that's to divorce her and get custody of your kids and then she can go w*ore around all the time. Tell her to pack up and go and you are filing for divorce.
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Sounds like it was more about having somebody cook for her than it is about the actual cook.
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I went to prison for over a decade for shooting a rapist. The wheels she set in motion with her rape lies could have resulted in your making the decision to kill him, thereby ending his life and ruining your life in the process.
You need to get this bitch out of your house and out of your life; worry about the financial details later.
That she has never seen a doctor for her vaginismus is kinda sad.
Bullshit
This is terrible advice. He has already told her multiple times what his feelings and boundaries are on this and she has constantly disregarded them. There is a point at which it is not our responsibility to explain how to be a non-abusive adult human being to people in our lives. And that goes for our partners too.
No offense but I think you need therapy to address your inadequacy issues.
If he is about to call you transphobic because of this, I WILL jump him.
For one, Trans people dont always say they are trans because the reactions they recieve can be very bad, some even threaten violence because they were “decieved” into simply going on a second date.
But the moment the dating is about to turn into a relationship is when they have to come clean.
He couldnt have honestly expect you to be fine with having sex with him right after finding out he was trans.
Also sorry meant to say sent not sends
Ok well u do seem cooler than most about it but buying a home still a vastly more prudish investment than getting married (for a guy) so that shouldn’t surprise u. Some men also just can’t be bothered with the pomp of it all. Great that you’re cool with a pre nuo but I’m guessing that involves lawyers and fees and paperwork as well, some of us guys just want a simple life, which u can walk out on in 15mins if things turn sour, not two years of deposits and arguments about colors of bridesmaid dresses etc. + altho everyone says “oh small so is fine”, wedding costs usually do spiral way beyond initial planned budget. All I can say that his misgivings are just financial and it’s not just that he doesn’t wanna marry u specifically. Signed, hopeless romantic
I dont know you personally but your experience sounds familiar to me, I think I know someone with the same struggles and it turned out they had adhd/asd, diagnosis is still ongoing there but there are similarities.
I'm not a psychologist, I have no experience of bpd, however I have experienced two different lives with asd in my family and a lot of what you're saying really sounds more like adhd/asd to me, rather than bpd. This may be because that's all I know.
I'd advise first of all to get yourself to a therapist. What you have experienced is bound to be affecting the way you interact. I'm not saying you are interacting incorrectly, but you do need a safe space to vent about everything.
You've also just come through that age where a lot of people break or lose contact with childhood friends etc, the early 20s really represent the major social shift for a lot of people, so dont be too naked on yourself, so much of this might he circumstantial.
Regarding the bf in particular, it sounds like perhaps he just wasnt putting the right effort into the relationship. I think your resentment there sounds perfectly normal.
Secondly, read up on asd. Its entirely possible to be the loveliest human, be a very functional member of society, but still find yourself ignored and turned away by a lot of society because the majority of so called “ordinary” folks (for want of a better word) can somehow sense your differences. Differences which are not at all obvious to you.
Also read up on adhd.
If either of those lead to a feeling of recognition in yourself then it might be worth looking for a diagnosis.
The thing about getting a diagnosis, or even just having an idea that you've discovered something about yourself might lead to you finding support and community from folks who understand.
It's also possible that you've just been incredibly unlucky and haven't met the best people, so much of our lives is influenced by circumstances and the circles we move in – but its definitely worth a bit of reading. Good luck my dear.
Poor guy. I would die laughing, hopefully with not at. I’m sorry that was the response you got.
Yes. I first met him that night. I was a guest of a guest of his. He considers that eve as our first date
She’s posting it on the internet bro, who’s he gonna call out?
This incident was just the breaking point. I’m not talking abt random men, I’m talking about male friends. Maybe I’m just too drunk and a bit frustrated, also I have nothing to lose by putting up a Reddit post.
All he says about his job is that it’s busy.
I don’t know how to go about all that when it’s all been light talking/flirty. Never deep. Especially since we went out once
Then give her more sentences. The point is that “I’m sorry, but this isn’t working for me” gets the ball rolling.
If they will cheat with you they will cheat on you. Just move on and stop cheating.
I can’t tell you the exact argument, but you can consider any topic.
My wife’s rule is “no touching.” (With a very big PERIOD). It’s a very simple and effective rule. I know clearly where her rule is. Anything beyond that is on me and I know the consequences.
I think you have every right to be disappointed. You are a stay at home mum to a child with special needs. I can imagine your workload is enormous. It is not wrong to feel your partner should celebrate you on your birthday. He could have made an effort, it didn't even need to cost money, but he didn't. That shows a lack of care and consideration on his behalf that frankly he should be ashamed of. In saying that, sometimes men especially can underestimate how important little gestures are to us girls. All he really needed to do was think, hmmmm maybe she would appreciate a night to herself and a sleep in the next morning. That wouldn't have cost him a thing.
Maybe don't be so naked on him this time around, just let him know that next year you would appreciate some effort as recognition for everything you do for your family.
My siblings vacation together and visit one another regularly and I have never been invited. As the youngest, they started doing stuff together when I was too young to participate. Then I was in college and they were not. Then they had spouses and kids and I didn’t. It used to hurt so much to know that they were close and had no interest in including me. Eventually, I realized the handful of times I did end up spending time with them, if they came to visit my parents when I was home, or we had a family emergency and everyone gathered, I kinda couldn’t stand them!
I know that doesn’t really help execute to say I know how it feels and it’s shitty and I’m sorry. I hope you can find other friends to fill in for this family bond you want to have and leave these losers behind you.
Move on. She is not into the relationship the same way you are
Well I have multiple friends who have called and asked me if I wanted them to boycott the wedding given my friends behaviors.
he’s very possessive and immature. he has a lot of growing to do. getting upset that you went out with your GIRL friend??? i was in a 5 year relationship with someone like this. RUN. like now.
Update: I told my parents that I'm not taking part of this and I wished them luck with their project. My dad said that the only person who deserves an apartment is my little brother. I knew they preferred him, simply cause he's a boy but I never knew to which extent. I decided to go NC with them
I know. By the reactions to this post I don’t feel as weird anymore for my action. But yeah I totally agree it’s really asking for problems bringing this up when he really has no business in it since we were broken up at the time. Although it did weigh on me to have this ‘untold story’ – we share a lot with each other and have open communication. So i guess my drunken self decided to ‘clear things up’.
I think it's the closeness of living together that bothers him. It's like your male friend gets to play house with you, and he is left apart to watch. Loosing out on being close to you in a daily setting will have an impact on your relationship no matter how innocent the arrangement is
What’s with the we it was YOU who messed it up
You need to prioritize the things that are absolutely essential, rank the other things. When you said “mouse turds” I thought no way, so that would be #1 for me. As an example. Treating his high blood pressure is right at the top of the list too, call and make his appointment even if he doesn't want you to. Things like old naked tub in yard, while yucky, can wait if necessary.
He may have some executive function deficits arising from Covid, or maybe always had them. He also has exhaustion. I suspect the dirt-blindness is just who he always has been.
You'll have to continue work with him on task completion. You can even call it that and make it a joint issue. Say “I'd like you to scoop the litter box now, and please do it to completion.” He doesn't do it. You say “You failed at task completion, or even task initiation. Please do it now. Right now, while I'm standing here blocking your escape.” It's important to say these things in a firm but not angry tone.
I strongly recommend you get a housekeeper in for just a few hours a week. For most beleaguered households, it's very much worth the money.
Good luck!
-shocked pikachu face-
Frankly if after 5 months he can be mad at you over something he didn’t tell you whilst you can hear him say why he didn’t like it and choose to try and defend the joke rather than try to understand his feelings then you are both too immature to do long term relationships.
Break up, grow up, and learn
Your husband is a serial cheater, not just emotionally but as you’ve said in the comments he is actively cheating on you. Cheaters seldom change, and they definitely don’t change if you continue to be with them after they show you who they are. Have some self respect and leave this man, find someone who values you.
Please enlighten us then. But you do know that just because someone else does it doesn’t mean you have to but I can see why it might make you insecure. But you are the one that is choosing to react this way. Sorry but the only person you can control is yourself.
Um…I get that you're a teen with raging hormones…but why the theatrics?? You could have just said “Its more difficult to just stay friends than I realized, and my feelings aren't changing. I think its best if we don't hang out or talk anymore.”
You know. Like a rational human being instead of deciding to go scorched earth for some misplaced sense of honor? Like seriously you decided emotional manipulation was the way to go instead of just using your words?
She cheated to get back at you… She did so while drunk but she still did It and was proud of it.
Rough patch and she's moving. Just end it befor it gets worse.
I'm sorry, I thought it was clear that I was joking.
Look the other way quick
I like this solution best. Draw a clear line, tell everybody you've had enough of this, don't be around your in-laws anymore or limit it to like once/twice a year.
As far as the child is concerned, people forget that if she breaks up bf is entitled to 50% custody and you can't stop the children from being around grandfather based on these remarks. Maybe she ends up breaking up or not, but at this point drawing clear boundaries and showing (not telling) her bf she's actually serious about this is best.
He doesn't know anything about her to complain. Weight cannot be hidden. I'm sure you'd like to be forced to marry someone you don't know and aren't even attracted to.
I think your husband was being creepy and she's distancing herself now. Ick.
Only looking at your ages the answer is yes divorce him. You married a predator that was looking for a young girl to bang then turn her in to a servant and mother to his children. He’s a creepy predatory loser.
There is so much here that people can get into. But I'll just say, it sounds like you need to connect with you. Regardless of your feelings for him, which sound strong. You don't deserve this torment that you are feeling. I think you will be happier to let this go… It will take time. It will hurt. But you will be happier, you have so much life ahead of you. So much to do. Find a way to connect to you. Even just sitting and breathing. Meditate. Go to the cinema and just watch and feel others presence around you. You deserve more than this. Good luck. You can do it 🙂
Copying what I said in another comment about the wedding planning:
We really haven't agreed on any aspect of the wedding planning to be honest. First of all, I feel like we're rushing to put too many things together too quickly when we really don't need to be on such a fast timeline but my fiancé is pushing for the wedding to happen within the next six months. We're disagreeing about the actual type of ceremony that we want to have (cultural differences) and how big it should be, he wants a huge wedding that's going to be really expensive and I'm finding the whole idea really overwhelming. Also his family is pushing into the planning quite a bit which feels especially unfair because my family are the ones paying for it, so that's also causing a lot of friction. It's honestly just every part of it, the whole thing has been stressful. We can't even agree on colors that we might want to have.
You guys need to combine your assets. In the eyes of the law, they belong to both of you. There's no reason to keep them separate unless you're bad with money.
I'm a stay at home dad, we just discuss all purchases over $20.
Yeah, and if you guys are talking for hours on end in person that sounds much better. It's probably healthier to catch up like that rather then getting updates constantly over text. I don't know why your friend would find it weird, sounds healthy if anything to me.
So I tried again this morning calmly asking about last night. I asked why she got upset she just said it’s fine or it doesn’t matter. She then said unprompted that I could have gone out, she never asked me to stay. To me saying it’s naked to leave when you are crying and annoyed and all she said was she said she wouldn’t talk to me if I stayed so I should have just gone out. Not quite sure how to go from here. I’m normally the one to go smooth things over but feel like I should not be doing it.
I've been that guy at 22. I left a relationship to explore more as I felt like I was missing out. I did explore and as time passed I realised I just wasn't happy in the relationship and needed an excuse to get out.
Sounds like he may be in the same boat.
Nope, I'm definitely not going to explain to what I'm assuming is a grown man why a TEN YEAR OLD being coerced into sexual acts is fucked up. Surely as a victim yourself you'd have at least a hint of sympathy?
But he told me now that he thought about it, it made him feel uncomfortable and embarrassed.
^ That's all we need to know what happened to him was a terrible thing
The best luck at had at my job when someone sexually harrassed me was to tell him to quit or I would report. He said “You would report to our HR?” I said “No, I will talk to your wife.”
That ended it. You might have a little chat with him, or better yet email him and let him know he needs to stop and the next time you will first report it to his girlfriend and then HR. That gives you proof that you asked him to stop, too.
You're a pig.
Going to sign off now. I appreciate very much the people who had good friendly constructive advice. That is what I was looking for and it definitely helps me get fresh perspective on how I can continue to grow and better love my wife.
To the other vast majority of commenters who have never made a mistake, have written everything they have ever heard on a calendar, know the ins and outs of other peoples relationships better than they do, and can’t fathom the idea that any 2 people could possibly think differently, I think your problems far far outweigh any issues I have here and many sound like they have serious mental disorders. I bid you adieu.
How can this dude be so spineless and let his family treat his gf like that??? The gf should've broken up with him the first time he let his mother insult her and did not stand up for her.