How can I get her to see that I'm deadass serious about these boundaries?
You've already had more than one serious conversation with her about it and she hasn't changed. The only way to get her to understand is to break up with her. She had her chance to respect your boundaries and has repeatedly chosen not to do that. Your needs and boundaries are valid and you have the right to fight for them. She made her choice, and this is a hill you should die on. You deserve a partner who loves and respects you— this isn't it.
I had a somewhat similar issue with my husband. He used to threaten to leave when we had a fight, even over silly things. After the first few times, I finally told him that if he ever threatened to leave me again, then I'd be the one leaving and I wouldn't be coming back. I told him I'm not going to online my life afraid that he'll leave me at any moment and if he can't respect that then we're done. He has not threatened it since, and that was over 4 years ago.
Likewise, my family is verbally abusive and aggressive in how we talk to each other (lots of teasing and shit talking, very negative). I grew up with it so I'm used to it and have always been like that. My husband did not grow up like that and is very sensitive, and was finally fed up with how I talked to him. He said he wouldn't put up with that either. His comments made me realize how not nice I can sound. So I've done the work to change how I speak not only to him, but to people in general, because I love and respect him.
Neither of us are perfect but we're both committed and have mutual love and respect for each other. When we say “hey, this thing bothers me” we work on correcting that and figuring out how to prevent it in the future. Your girlfriend does no such thing, nor does she care to. Have some self respect and learn when it's time to move on.
Your boyfriend needs to get over it and tell them to show you some respect (and show some himself). At the very least, he needs to set a boundary to move forward with, even if he doesn’t admonish them for past (poor) behaviour. By this I mean, he could simply take advantage of the 2023 thing and say ‘OP would like people to start using their birth name this year, I support this, and think it would be respectful if everyone else is, too. It’s xyz, pronounced xyz. Try it with me now’ and then make sure they get it. I married into stiff upper lip Brits and know how powerful the awkward can be, but feel that setting a ‘from now on’ boundary without admonishing them for past rudeness is a good compromise between his comfort and yours.
Have you even bothered apologizing for what you said? Based on your comments, it doesn’t even sound like you’re that sorry about it; you’re just upset that your daughter has stopped sharing information about her personal life with you knowing you will use that information to hurt her. Unfortunately for you, your daughter is now an adult with the freedom to tell you as much or as little about herself as she chooses.
And quite a bit of it. For you. Can you not enjoy the neon-lit runway when it comes to finally comes around for you? Nah. You've chosen instead to bend it into the worse framing possible and nurse some old wounds
You didn’t try to groom anyone, but the power dynamics between the two of you, as outlined in the comment you reacted to, were very real.. you should check your motivation in this and get rid of the savior attitude. This would have ended bad either way, with or without conspiracy thinking
Are you unable to move out? It seems like your mother enjoys the drama and has actively searched for things to hurt you (your old journal, for example).
It sounds like your mom doesn’t have a lot going on in her life other than her relationship with you, is that correct? If you were to move out and go very low to no contact, does she have friends to hang out with? Hobbies?
Honestly, it doesn’t sound as if you and she will have a good relationship until there is some distance between you. If you’re able to move out, you need to.
I love how you avoid the part where you can step up and parent your own children. I think a smart and successful woman deserves better than a guy who sees her as an incubator.
Omg THANK YOU! I constantly feel he has no emotional intelligence and I have to explain things about trauma responses and whatever. He is a baby in the body of a 44 yr old
Well I don't think he's lying or gaslighting. If anything he's being too honest. It's reasonable to question all this, only let's ask the right questions.
She WAS the love of his life; now you are. Is that cuz he's shallow and fickle, or is he serious about relationships? Did that love end cuz after 5 years it didn't seem magical anymore – how long does any relationship last on magic alone? – or did the two of them lose the feeling for understandable reasons? And do those reasons apply to your relationship or not?
Leave him
Yes, obviously. The fact you're even asking this question means you know you should.
True, although there is talk of marriage so it's serious enough that I take into account what he wants too
Sometimes the best way to prove to a fool he's wrong
is to let him shoot his mouth off.
Online and Learn.
Sometimes the best way to prove to a fool he's wrong
is to let him shoot his mouth off.
Online and Learn.
You seriously don't see anything wrong with your “identification” of a hair on him, from a photo?
like an hour away. I go to his house every weekend
“Sorry my dogs walkers sisters Bestfriend is really important to me and I can’t imagine putting you above her”
How can I get her to see that I'm deadass serious about these boundaries?
You've already had more than one serious conversation with her about it and she hasn't changed. The only way to get her to understand is to break up with her. She had her chance to respect your boundaries and has repeatedly chosen not to do that. Your needs and boundaries are valid and you have the right to fight for them. She made her choice, and this is a hill you should die on. You deserve a partner who loves and respects you— this isn't it.
I had a somewhat similar issue with my husband. He used to threaten to leave when we had a fight, even over silly things. After the first few times, I finally told him that if he ever threatened to leave me again, then I'd be the one leaving and I wouldn't be coming back. I told him I'm not going to online my life afraid that he'll leave me at any moment and if he can't respect that then we're done. He has not threatened it since, and that was over 4 years ago.
Likewise, my family is verbally abusive and aggressive in how we talk to each other (lots of teasing and shit talking, very negative). I grew up with it so I'm used to it and have always been like that. My husband did not grow up like that and is very sensitive, and was finally fed up with how I talked to him. He said he wouldn't put up with that either. His comments made me realize how not nice I can sound. So I've done the work to change how I speak not only to him, but to people in general, because I love and respect him.
Neither of us are perfect but we're both committed and have mutual love and respect for each other. When we say “hey, this thing bothers me” we work on correcting that and figuring out how to prevent it in the future. Your girlfriend does no such thing, nor does she care to. Have some self respect and learn when it's time to move on.
Your boyfriend needs to get over it and tell them to show you some respect (and show some himself). At the very least, he needs to set a boundary to move forward with, even if he doesn’t admonish them for past (poor) behaviour. By this I mean, he could simply take advantage of the 2023 thing and say ‘OP would like people to start using their birth name this year, I support this, and think it would be respectful if everyone else is, too. It’s xyz, pronounced xyz. Try it with me now’ and then make sure they get it. I married into stiff upper lip Brits and know how powerful the awkward can be, but feel that setting a ‘from now on’ boundary without admonishing them for past rudeness is a good compromise between his comfort and yours.
I feel like a bit more than cuddling may have happened. Otherwise, why the pact of secrecy?
She’s not a bang maid lol she’s more than that
Have you even bothered apologizing for what you said? Based on your comments, it doesn’t even sound like you’re that sorry about it; you’re just upset that your daughter has stopped sharing information about her personal life with you knowing you will use that information to hurt her. Unfortunately for you, your daughter is now an adult with the freedom to tell you as much or as little about herself as she chooses.
Omg it’s chatgpt, it’s infiltrated Reddit
never put any work in sex
DUDE. SHE JUST DID.
And quite a bit of it. For you. Can you not enjoy the neon-lit runway when it comes to finally comes around for you? Nah. You've chosen instead to bend it into the worse framing possible and nurse some old wounds
BAHAHAghagga. Same, just same.
You didn’t try to groom anyone, but the power dynamics between the two of you, as outlined in the comment you reacted to, were very real.. you should check your motivation in this and get rid of the savior attitude. This would have ended bad either way, with or without conspiracy thinking
Happy for you.
I know that but I'm wonder if I should take the chance?
Why is this so far down? My first thought was he doesn't want to marry her.
Are you unable to move out? It seems like your mother enjoys the drama and has actively searched for things to hurt you (your old journal, for example).
It sounds like your mom doesn’t have a lot going on in her life other than her relationship with you, is that correct? If you were to move out and go very low to no contact, does she have friends to hang out with? Hobbies?
Honestly, it doesn’t sound as if you and she will have a good relationship until there is some distance between you. If you’re able to move out, you need to.
He DOES NOT LOVE HER. postponing the wedding is just going to go bad. He needs to leave her.
I love how you avoid the part where you can step up and parent your own children. I think a smart and successful woman deserves better than a guy who sees her as an incubator.
We have joint accounts. But my neither my husband or I would ever spend/give away that much money without a sit down talk.
He told you one price and took out almost double without mentioning it???
Fuck that, don't play with my money.
Omg THANK YOU! I constantly feel he has no emotional intelligence and I have to explain things about trauma responses and whatever. He is a baby in the body of a 44 yr old
How bills will be split
How you want to run your household together, home maintenance and chores.
Some things to consider as well is having time and space for yourselves
Well I don't think he's lying or gaslighting. If anything he's being too honest. It's reasonable to question all this, only let's ask the right questions.
She WAS the love of his life; now you are. Is that cuz he's shallow and fickle, or is he serious about relationships? Did that love end cuz after 5 years it didn't seem magical anymore – how long does any relationship last on magic alone? – or did the two of them lose the feeling for understandable reasons? And do those reasons apply to your relationship or not?