Why are you dating someone so much older than you who has kids?
He's controlling as fuck. He's with you because you're too young to know better than to put up with his shit. You are focusing on the wrong person here.
This wouldnt work. If she spends say 20% on him- he would already be paying more than 20% likely on her for room and board costs alone, not to mention lesiure activities
Just be sure to communicate so you don’t fall into a habit you can’t get out of. When the kid is bigger and moved to his own room, you’re going back to a shared bed. Make sure that this is a temporary solution to newborn problems, and that’s it.
How long are you dating? How soon do you want a child of your own? What does your living situation and financial security look like? Is your education finished? What do you have in common with a man 14 years your senior?
How long can this relationship have lasted if he has an 11 month old child from another women??? Where's the bio mom and what happened?
How did you meet? How long did you know him before dating? How did you start dating? What does the power dynamic look like? Who makes decisions? Who moved the relationship along? What were your previous experiences with relationships?
From an outside view it looks like you are rushing into this. And it looks like he is looking for a young impressionable women to be his bang maid.
Let's be clear, he taught his daughter to call you mom. There is no doubt about this. He did this without consulting you in a probably very new relationship.
That is a huge red flag! Proceed carefully!!!!
You don't need to answer all my questions above publicly. But maybe answer them for yourself. Think about why I asked those questions. And if you want to talk about it with someone more private, PM me and I'll do my best to be impartial, objective and non-judgemental. I won't bash anyone, but I do think there are things you need to look at consciously and think about if you're really ok with them.
I've been there, I was young and naive and rushed into a relationship in my early 20, even though I saw some red flags. It impacted me financially through all my 20s, even long after we broke up (I was in debt because of him). It was a very different situation back then and problematic due to other factors, but I wished back then that someone told me to be cautious back then and pointed out the red flags.
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If he supports you in other ways, accept his no and move on. If however he’s uncompromising and inflexible like this a lot, then reconsider the relationship due to that. But in either case, don’t guilt trip. Doing that might get you what you want, but it also often makes the person resent you or more stubborn the next time.
Honey just leave. If you had found out when he started cheating, you wouldn’t even be there. Use this time to sort yourself out and let his mother take care of him. His unfortunate situation doesn’t mean you have to sacrifice your self respect
Don’t change who you are. There is nothing wrong with having a personality. I say divorce so you can find someone worth your time or enjoy your freedom. He can go find that mail order bride he so desperately needs.
I had a friend in a 3 year relationship like this. Never had sex. Couldn’t figure out why. Few years later hee ex came out of the closet, so that is honestly my first thought.
My second thought is “is he the last man on Earth”?! Because after 2 years, he’s not putting out nor is he being honest with you about why not, WHY are you wasting your youth on this?
Exactly why I was so hurt when I found out he was messing around behind my back. Because he was well aware it could be alright, the thing is he just doesn't want ME doing anything
Of course. We're basically saying the same thing? Also, it seems as if the Santa argument with your bf is a proxy argument for larger issues around the role of honesty in raising kids, what honesty means, what trust means, and so on. Good luck, OP.
This!!! Her BF behavior is very odd given all the details she mentioned. His focus isn’t about her safety or her spending time with daughter. It’s about him not knowing where she’s at or what she’s doing.
Yes tell her. If she didn’t say all that shit and you caught her that’s one thing. But yeah doesn’t need to put fear/guilt on you for her fuck up. Man some parents…?
He sounds really nice. Happy for you. Yes 8 months is on the early side but have many couple friends who are married for decades who married less than a year after meeting. It comes down to a shared set of values, goals, interests, and being mature enough to know
She wants to move out but she can even stand on her own two feet and have to push and demand from you.
Think back, how many times have you been doing things for her?
She will do the best she can is another way of saying. Do this and that while I try to find myself and maybe help a little but only if I want to kind of vibe.
Stop sleeping with him. Because your heart is involved to a degree that would be uncomfortable if he were to not feel serious about you. Stop sleeping with him. And instead initiate a conversation. Ask him how he has been feeling. Ask him if he would consider a commitment. If he answers no? There is no medicine in the world that could fix it for you two. You have to let him go. But stop sleeping with him.
That is the definition of rape hun. I’m sorry that happened to you.
I don’t think this is the last time from how he’s responded and I suggest you leave him asap! Also if you’re still bleeding and this happened last night you should see a doctor
He’s 100% responsible for his behavior all of the time, regardless of any drugs in his system. Maybe this could be forgiven once, but only if he was sincerely apologetic and truly felt bad for his actions and promised not to drink that much again.
However, that’s clearly not the case. Sure he apologized, but it hardly seemed sincere. He didn’t seem to feel bad for his actions. He didn’t take your feelings seriously. He dismissed your concerns and the biggest problem here is the fact you told him that he scared you and he just called you dramatic.
I know Reddit loves to jump on the “dump them” train, sometimes way too often, but this is not ok behavior. None of it. I would seriously be concerned that this type of behavior will escalate. It will get more frequent and more violent and aggressive, all the while he will continue to call you dramatic or gaslight you by saying you don’t remember what happened.
You need to leave. You’re young. You will have no problem finding someone else who will love you properly and appropriately and in a way you consent to. My snap judgment is this guy is a piece of shit and you need to get away from him before he does serious physical or emotional damage to you.
What’s her job?
If you both stick to this position, it's going to be a dealbreaker.
But you're pretty young. I didn't want kids at that age, nor did my now-wife. We changed our minds in our late 20's.
“doing something wrong”?
I D K…how many times are you going to post this?
Why are you dating someone so much older than you who has kids?
He's controlling as fuck. He's with you because you're too young to know better than to put up with his shit. You are focusing on the wrong person here.
If this isn’t the perfect time to hit her with the, “It’s just good business” then I don’t when is!
Fuck that, he will abuse you all the way to an early grave. No point of this guy.
This wouldnt work. If she spends say 20% on him- he would already be paying more than 20% likely on her for room and board costs alone, not to mention lesiure activities
Just be sure to communicate so you don’t fall into a habit you can’t get out of. When the kid is bigger and moved to his own room, you’re going back to a shared bed. Make sure that this is a temporary solution to newborn problems, and that’s it.
Dear OP, respectfully …
How long are you dating? How soon do you want a child of your own? What does your living situation and financial security look like? Is your education finished? What do you have in common with a man 14 years your senior?
How long can this relationship have lasted if he has an 11 month old child from another women??? Where's the bio mom and what happened?
How did you meet? How long did you know him before dating? How did you start dating? What does the power dynamic look like? Who makes decisions? Who moved the relationship along? What were your previous experiences with relationships?
From an outside view it looks like you are rushing into this. And it looks like he is looking for a young impressionable women to be his bang maid.
Let's be clear, he taught his daughter to call you mom. There is no doubt about this. He did this without consulting you in a probably very new relationship.
That is a huge red flag! Proceed carefully!!!!
You don't need to answer all my questions above publicly. But maybe answer them for yourself. Think about why I asked those questions. And if you want to talk about it with someone more private, PM me and I'll do my best to be impartial, objective and non-judgemental. I won't bash anyone, but I do think there are things you need to look at consciously and think about if you're really ok with them.
I've been there, I was young and naive and rushed into a relationship in my early 20, even though I saw some red flags. It impacted me financially through all my 20s, even long after we broke up (I was in debt because of him). It was a very different situation back then and problematic due to other factors, but I wished back then that someone told me to be cautious back then and pointed out the red flags.
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If he supports you in other ways, accept his no and move on. If however he’s uncompromising and inflexible like this a lot, then reconsider the relationship due to that. But in either case, don’t guilt trip. Doing that might get you what you want, but it also often makes the person resent you or more stubborn the next time.
Thank you! I read that and was like dude! Be weary! Be so weary!!!
Honey just leave. If you had found out when he started cheating, you wouldn’t even be there. Use this time to sort yourself out and let his mother take care of him. His unfortunate situation doesn’t mean you have to sacrifice your self respect
Because people see 44 and 31 and think it's odd but not bad and don't do the math to realize she probably wasn't legally able to drink when they met.
Jesus christ never ever ever go down on someone that's driving.
You are not only putting yourself in danger, but also every other driver and pedestrian.
No matter how much it arouses you…..
As for your issue…. Just wing it would be my stance. Otherwise, ask in another subreddit like /sex.
Wait… your mom had you when she was 14????
I mean lots of people are immature. It’s not shocking that this would be the train of thought of someone who hasn’t fully emotionally matured yet.
Mentally unhinged 36 year old man gets mad at his 13 years younger gf because she won’t co-sign for a gun. RED flag.
Don’t change who you are. There is nothing wrong with having a personality. I say divorce so you can find someone worth your time or enjoy your freedom. He can go find that mail order bride he so desperately needs.
You said he’s busy- stress can reduce libido. When he does have sex, is there a time of day he likes better? What usually gets him in the mood?
Info: is he a virgin?
I had a friend in a 3 year relationship like this. Never had sex. Couldn’t figure out why. Few years later hee ex came out of the closet, so that is honestly my first thought.
My second thought is “is he the last man on Earth”?! Because after 2 years, he’s not putting out nor is he being honest with you about why not, WHY are you wasting your youth on this?
Not physically abusive, emotionally. Calls her stupid and other derogatory words
Exactly why I was so hurt when I found out he was messing around behind my back. Because he was well aware it could be alright, the thing is he just doesn't want ME doing anything
I never said that, I'm saying this one guy in particular has a history of trying to and succeeding in getting girls I'm currently with
Of course. We're basically saying the same thing? Also, it seems as if the Santa argument with your bf is a proxy argument for larger issues around the role of honesty in raising kids, what honesty means, what trust means, and so on. Good luck, OP.
He was her puppet, she has been using him for god knows what while she cheated and ate piss, lol.
This!!! Her BF behavior is very odd given all the details she mentioned. His focus isn’t about her safety or her spending time with daughter. It’s about him not knowing where she’s at or what she’s doing.
Accident is not the word for what happened, nor your ambivalent feelings.
Yes tell her. If she didn’t say all that shit and you caught her that’s one thing. But yeah doesn’t need to put fear/guilt on you for her fuck up. Man some parents…?
He sounds really nice. Happy for you. Yes 8 months is on the early side but have many couple friends who are married for decades who married less than a year after meeting. It comes down to a shared set of values, goals, interests, and being mature enough to know
Letting her lead is great advice. Shes a bit on the shy side of these things but again, her comfort comes first
Delete all the nudes like she asked you to.
It was life-changing for me. It's helped me avoid getting too involved with abusive men. I wish I had read it as a 20 year old.
Tbh op this is a giant red flag waving
She wants to move out but she can even stand on her own two feet and have to push and demand from you.
Think back, how many times have you been doing things for her?
She will do the best she can is another way of saying. Do this and that while I try to find myself and maybe help a little but only if I want to kind of vibe.
Stand by your boundaries
Stop sleeping with him. Because your heart is involved to a degree that would be uncomfortable if he were to not feel serious about you. Stop sleeping with him. And instead initiate a conversation. Ask him how he has been feeling. Ask him if he would consider a commitment. If he answers no? There is no medicine in the world that could fix it for you two. You have to let him go. But stop sleeping with him.
I wasn’t expecting the comments to be the that harsh. I’ve cooled down since then so I’m thinking more straight.
That is the definition of rape hun. I’m sorry that happened to you.
I don’t think this is the last time from how he’s responded and I suggest you leave him asap! Also if you’re still bleeding and this happened last night you should see a doctor
He’s 100% responsible for his behavior all of the time, regardless of any drugs in his system. Maybe this could be forgiven once, but only if he was sincerely apologetic and truly felt bad for his actions and promised not to drink that much again.
However, that’s clearly not the case. Sure he apologized, but it hardly seemed sincere. He didn’t seem to feel bad for his actions. He didn’t take your feelings seriously. He dismissed your concerns and the biggest problem here is the fact you told him that he scared you and he just called you dramatic.
I know Reddit loves to jump on the “dump them” train, sometimes way too often, but this is not ok behavior. None of it. I would seriously be concerned that this type of behavior will escalate. It will get more frequent and more violent and aggressive, all the while he will continue to call you dramatic or gaslight you by saying you don’t remember what happened.
You need to leave. You’re young. You will have no problem finding someone else who will love you properly and appropriately and in a way you consent to. My snap judgment is this guy is a piece of shit and you need to get away from him before he does serious physical or emotional damage to you.