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You have 5 kids, some of which are still minors. You’re wife is literally, medically sick and in physical pain right now, and even has trouble sleeping. You are depressed, admit she is a great partner and mother, that you’re under financial stress, and are questioning your faith.
I’m not trying to minimise your feelings, but you’re literally describing a mid-life crisis. And you’re best idea is to ditch (someone who you have described as) the best person in your life right now? Is getting sex from someone else going to magically fix all your other problems too?
You said you “talked with her” about it. What did you say? What did you suggest? Did you offer ways to help her, or did you tell her that she needs to do something about it?
Not a red flag. Red flags are about actual dangerous relationship behaviour. This dude barely knows you. Maybe things will work maybe it won't but his statement was generic. I would have been far more worried if he had said his biggest fear was not being able to provide for you and your future kids. That would have been a: “woah, buddy. Bit too fast there” concept.
He's literally just having the worries of most freshly graduated people.
Get court mandated child support and DNA test
Also, depending where u are… is his kick out even legal?
Nonetheless, take his ass to court
First, I want so send my condolences to you.
Second, you need to let your emotions out. Do not bottle them inside or your emotions will evolve and possibly make you spiral. Let yourself grieve! It is ok to feel what you are feeling! You are human, you have emotions and you are entitled to feel the way you do! Emotions are like visitors, they come and go but they don’t stay forever.
It will not be an easy road. Trust me. I am currently going through a divorce and it feels HORRIBLE! I understand your life may feel unreal and unpleasant, I can assure you with time and self healing you can appreciate the experience you are going through.
Take a step back. Make healthy decisions for yourself. Find a way to decompress that benefits your physical and your mental.
Try to make sure to hydrate, eat and rest. Think logically (once you have cleared your mind) and find something that can help you during this difficult process.
You need support right now. Don’t think you are burden when you are in need of someone to lean on.
Give her consequences. She’s always late for you because you wait for her and she still gets included in activities.
Next time she’s late, leave without her. Or start the activity anyway. Eventually, she’ll get the message. And if she doesn’t leave.
People here saying she might have ADHD – yeah, but it’s on her to develop coping mechanisms. And so far she hasn’t needed to learn to.
And soooo, what flavour??
You need to have a conversation. Tell her you are very interested in what is going on with her in regards to the engagement. Is she just so done waiting? Is it making her anxious? Is she mad it didn't happen 3 years ago? Say “I find it extremely difficult to do things if people demand them and I know that'smy problem. I want this to be magical. How can I help you feel better?” What is her idea of a fantasy proposal? If it's about both of you then you need to talk about it. I absolutely hate surprises. Almost Every important moment of my married life was ruined for me out of sheer embarrasment because he didn't tell me how to be properly dressed for occasions that were supposed to be a casual errand but were really a surprise party for me. OP needs to tell her she is basically tabling the idea of it being a surprise by asking for it to be done on this trip. He needs to ask her if this nagging is about longing to be engaged or if it's anxiety about the future or some other thing. You can even be cute about it and say something like I know I'm a super catch and you are really excited about being together but I thought you would enjoy a surprise. I would personally tell you that I was really concerned about being inappropriately dressed when it happens or not having make up on. I felt blindsided and really sick. It's 30 years later and I have stopped having nightmares after a lot of therapy.
Oh wow, I hadn't even considered that what I chose to speak about could have steered her off, thank you for bringing this to my attention.
Give her something to look forward to in February. Anything you can do for cheap or for free.
I see, that makes sense. Thank you for the comment!
Grow up. Wash your hands. Your poop does stink.
The fact that your sister didn’t reach out says a lot about the situation. Is she sitting at home with a smug look on her face because she was hoping to ruin your marriage and slide into your place?
If it was me then I would respond no problem I will respect your wishes. Just something plain simple with no hint of getting together again etc. if he wants to reach out he will otherwise let it be..
Each couple decides what they consider to be cheating or not. Though letting a friend take a quick nap on your bed doesn't quite qualify as cheating, based on the standard implicit expectations of exclusivity, IMO. There was nothing sexual nor romantic about it.
Now, when you're dealing with a guy that clearly stated he was attracted to you, you may want to set up more… cautious boundaries than spending time just the two of you in your room.
Most people who aren't trained therapists just don't know how to deal with someone who exhibits suicidal tendencies. It's just an uncomfortable subject. Obviously she should have advised you to get yourself to an acute psych intake center and maybe even driven you there herself. But she failed you in this regard. There's no point is straining your emotional health even more by adding confrontation to the litany of things that are bothering you. Just get the help you need so you don't have to feel this way. This “friend” is the least of your problems.
So many people are missing the point here. OP it seems like you understand your fwb might see other people and that's not necessarily the big deal here. I would find it completely uncomfortable if my fwb were fucking my cousin and best friend. Not being in a relationship doesn't mean it's okay to disregard boundaries. You're FRIENDS. Friends don't do shit to each other that'll make them uncomfortable. – I saw your update and I'm sorry this has been a weird situation that just continues to be weird but I implore you to observe your feelings and boundaries here.
Well, its a reality check man.
Its still completely possible to be strong in the relationship whilst maintaining a soft side. That is my exact role in a nut shell.
The idea is, taking care of yourself so you can take better care of your partner.
For example, you both had a bad day. Now you're looking to each-other for support.
And you give each-other a half assed version of support because you're both down.
But if you learnt to deal with things on your own, in a healthy way so they don't manifest later because you bottled them up. That gives you more of an opportunity to be the stronger one in the situation.
Where you can go:
You had a bad day? Okay, I am going to call you and we're going to sort it out.
What do you need from me?
Do you want me to shut up and listen? Do you want my advice? Do you want me to cheer you up?
Oh, you want me to come over?
Done. On my way.
You're playing the bigger strong role. And there is nothing toxic about it.
Then there is you… Can you deliver something like that? Or would you need her to play a motherly role for you instead? Because if you need that, with her 'tough' exterior… its unlikely you'll receive it. Meaning incompatible.
That's what I'm thinking too
Look I know you’re going to feel bad, but run. You’re not married, you’re young. You don’t want to online like this. It will get worse when you have children too etc. good luck
It does originate from the time that people would wear blackface and perform so you could tenuously link that to the various racial epithets surrounding black people acting white. However he sounds like one of those pseudo intellectual types who thinks that the origin of a word, however obtuse, somehow trumps any modern vernacular.
The kind of person who has a conversation with you about something and you can tell they're just itching to unload a fact they learned about that very morning on you as if they are some great scholar of the subject. Just a grade A bellend.
Wow. You’re a truly unkind person. I don’t know what I ever did to have you come and target me for no reason. You’ve made your point, you’re hilarious and witty and you’ve put me in my place. Does that make you happy? That I’m suicidal and you’re mocking me?
I hope you have the day you deserve.
Thank you kind person. Reading your comment actually made me feel a drip of optimism and positivity I haven't felt in a long time.
I think I should keep an open mind about this and not think too much about possibilities. Maybe I should just let myself go with the flow.
And if you search hard enough, you can always find faults in a relationship, hypothetical or otherwise.
This might actually be the problem I am having. I am probably too focused on theoretical flaws and problems that might arise in a hypothetical relationship that I never even give a chance to a real and potential relationship.
I'll try my best not to overthink about this.
But it IS her… she doesn't want to marry him and wants to be independent. That's her own personal desires. Those desires are fine to pursue. Why shouldn't she say that especially when it's the truth?
Also if you're against people simply taking ownership of wanting to leave relationships when they do, what do you suggest they say instead? “it's not me, it is in fact you, you're the problem”? Because unless the other person has actually done something wrong (and I don't really see anything this guy has done wrong outside of how he treated her in the beginning, but it seems he grew past that) then I have no idea what the purpose of your comment is or where the alternative advice is
It's probably the latter, that he's prioritizing his own wants and needs over the relationship he's not all that interested in anymore. This is likely to just fade away and be more painful than if you were to take the initiative to end it once and for all. The moment he accepted this job across the country is really the moment this relationship started its death spiral. Sorry he's handled this breakup so poorly.
Hasn't it always? Crusades, reformation, the Holy Roman Empire, and all that jazz.
I wouldn't trust a person who genuinely believes Trump was a food president.
I'm from Germany, from what I saw and heard, I'd feel like a person supporting Trump is ok with feeling like white cis men are superior to all other, like money matters more than anything and woud be unable to reconcile that with my own opinions and values.
I want a partner who doesn't blindly buy the ramblings of a “self made millionaire” and fails to realize how Trump made the lives of many worse. How did he fix Americas economy? Howndid he come to that conclusion?