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I’ve never understood blaming someone for assault when they get drunk. As a society, we’ve accepted alcohol as part of our lives and she’s at an age where most folks experiment. She didn’t put her boyfriend in a bad position, the person who took advantage of a wasted girl did.
You can online your entire life with certain “rules” to stop vulnerable positions (don’t walk home alone at night, don’t drink at a party, don’t even look at someone if the opposite sex). You’ll ruin your life obsessing over said rules, and there’s never a guarantee of safety.
Instead of telling people not to drink, we should tell people not to take advantage of drunk people.
WHY SHOULD I?
Not just daycare workers, family of kids in daycare, family of daycare workers, stranger on a bus- anybody can lose a hair and then that hair gets picked up and dropped somewhere else. I've seen more than one of these strange hair posts and think that one is just a random occurrence.
She made a choice to drink, not to get sexually assaulted. Get out of here with your rape culture.
Oh yes she talks about him frequently. From school, schedules, the weird cartoons they watch. She just has a good reason for me not seeing him or evidence of him all the time. For instance, I went back to her place one night after a date and she said he was staying with her mom. The place was immaculate, so I asked if she cleaned and was expecting me to come back with her that night (to be funny and since I know how messy kids can be). she said no, she hadn't cleaned and that she just contains his toys and messes to the basement where his bed/playroom is. As a parent that weirded me out. But yeah, almost every time the excuse as to why I don't see him is that he's staying at his grandma's or in school. Never met grandma either
Ahh, that makes sense! She is trying to match her responses to the good things you do, instead of the bad things she is used to. We are familiar with that too. It takes time to break out of the habits you have as a victim of abuse (often we build them as protection). If someone is always telling you your words mean nothing and devalues your opinions, you aren't going to be very communicative in general. That's the instinct she is talking about.
Glad to help!!
Did something change in her physical appearance over the past few years?
You literally measure your worth in sexual partners. Wow. Break up with your girlfriend, she deserves better
Resident here: this decision affects the full outcome of her training. It will dictate how miserable she is. Be honest and tell her that this decision should be all about what suits her needs. Tell her she needs to pick for the best fit—for her. She should only be worried about where she wants to be, and nothing else.
That’s what’s fair.
When you asked him not to do it anymore, did he tell you he doesn't want to or just continued to do it while he said he wouldn't?
If it's the first one I believe it's up to you if you want to believe him when he says he's straight and your choice to stay and learn to accept this is just what he wants to do if it makes him happy (even if it feels off putting). A relationship should be about compromise, if he's unwilling to then it's up to you if you can put in the effort to let it slide.
If it's the latter, I don't believe you should even stay with him. He can't keep his word and that makes him dishonest. It could lead up to worse lies and secrets kept from you.
Wow, so toxic. Cut your losses and move on.
Here is his text a week after the “date”, apparently he kept my number even though he blocked me on IG and I blocked him back and deleted all his original texts
I never said it was her responsibility, I just asked if he has tried to get any.
Maybe she wants evidence so she can divorce him and take some of his assets for herself?
It's possible that with you no longer being raised by them and them not having been together for so long she simply wishes to move on with her life and take what she can get in the process.
I would imagine that was the very reason your father chose not to get a divorce for all these years.
Or perhaps she really was clueless for all this time and even though they had drifted apart, never once thought your Dad would be unfaithful.
Did you ask her why she thought he was cheating and what she Intends to do?
That's why I wrote *likely.
I don't even know why this is a problem. We've all agreed that he will no longer demand that she change her behaviour. He should deal with his insecurities… then sign up for women's volley ball.
What are you talking about?? You responded to my comment first and at no point did I say I wouldn’t spend a cent. I said I will spend the utilities and the percent of the mortgage that is legally in my name. If that percent of the mortgage is 0% then I am paying 0% of the mortgage. If I couldn’t afford to buy, I would rent under a contact where I have legal protections, so my landlord can’t wake up one day and double my rent illegally.
However, I personally have no mortgage or rent to pay, and I’d like to keep it that way.
I thought you were goal oriented? What's your goal.with this relationship other than avoiding the hassle of moving?
You need to tell her about your ambivalence so she can make a decision. It'll be really easy for you after that. You're stressing so much about what choice to make and how you feel but all you have to do is tell her everything you said in this post and she'll make the decision for you. It's really that easy. Just do it. You shouldn't be the one 100% in control of deciding the future of this relationship.
LOL
I'm saying all the below as a thought experiment to get you to see her position, not as an accusation.
Your daughter grew up with nothing, by your own admission. She had teen parents that weren't together, probably didn't like each other, and had no money. She didn't get fun trips as a kid. She probably had lots of awkward conversations with teachers, friends, and strangers about why her parents and grandparents were so young. Depending on the situation, she might have had a lot of fears about how the family was going to survive.
You are providing some financial help now but…you didn't provide help for the last 20 years. You couldn't. You provided the bare minimum.
That's not your fault, but you should also understand that your daughter is still your child, even if she's an adult. You're giving more quality time, money, and attention to your younger kids than you gave to her. You couldn't afford to give her what she deserved as a kid…but now you're telling her “tough luck, you're an adult now, so I don't need to give you things anymore” when you do have the resources. This attitude isn't a good way to cultivate a relationship with your daughter or encourage her to engage with her step mother and half siblings.
Not for nothing, but I really think you should have asked her if she wanted to come to Disney with you back in December. I think she should have been counting down the days with you. I think this car thing would have happened and it would have been a “when we get home” issue.
To make it a little more simple, say someone owed you $10,000. Every day for 20 years you asked them to give it to you, but they just couldn't afford it. Eventually, you realize they can't afford it and to save the relationship you just write off the $10k. A couple days later, you see the person has bought a brand new car. When you ask how they could afford it, they say they got a spot bonus of $10k at work and could now afford the down payment on a new car. You ask why they didn't pay you back, and they say you had forgiven it.
“Yes,” you say, “but that was because I thought you could never pay me back. I sacrificed a lot because you couldn't pay me back.” “I didn't know this money was coming to me at the time,” says your friend. “But now I don't owe you anything, so why would I pay you?” “Because we're friends? Because you're supposed to care about me?” “I do care about you! But why do you think I'd give you $10k and not spend it on myself when I've been in poverty all these years?” “Ok, well, can you pay me or set up a payment plan now that you have money?” “You forgave my debt! Plus, I have this car payment now, I can't afford to give you money too! I'm happy to buy you dinner though — that should make up for it, right?”
Using that example, does it make more sense why your daughter would be resentful?
Your bf is obnoxious – being so intolerant one insists that anyone whose spiritual views don't align with theirs is “mentally ill and needs psychiatric help” is very narrow minded and judgemental. Kinda similar to those hardcore religious people who feel that anyone who didn't belong to their specific denomination is a sinner who must be converted or shunned, you know?
People have different experiences and approaches to spirituality and religion, but in relationships being able to respect each other's values, convictions, experiences, views etc is paramount. He's very intolerant and judgemental and doesn't accept or respect any view but his own.
I'd say you just aren't compatible.
Maybe you and OP could be friends?
Sounds like she could use someone who understands…
I’m not being sarcastic.
But even if real life was like the MCU, would Captain America sue because he was passed over for a promotion? I think not.
How does your boyfriend feel? Has he also lost sexual interest in you?
In regards to marriage, is sex important to you? If you want to get married, being sexually compatible is very, very important. Will you be content marrying someone for 50+ years and having no attraction?
Thanks that makes sense, I don't know enough about the different philosophies to know what terms to look for. Appreciate it.
I am sorry but everything you are saying is just screaming that this man is lying and hiding something from you. For your own sake, do some investigating and figure out the lies.
I think the only thing the dude did wrong was to not end it with you when he realised you got too attached.
A casual relationship is casual, if you catch feelings or become too attatched, it's your responsibility to end it so you don't have to feel used, because that is basically the main point of a casual relationship – to use eachother for your own benefit.
I had private school loans. I refinanced them or otherwise rolled them into a federal loan. Then I was eligible for public loan forgiveness if I worked at a non profit or government job. I see no reason that she can’t do that too. Also if she has little income the public loan forgiveness payments will be uber low.
UpdateMe!
You need to co-parent in whatever way best benefits your child. For some families that means no communication beyond the bare minimum, for some it means fully enmeshed lives, and every variation in between. It's not up to new partners, it's not even up to you really. The priority is giving your child what they need.
If your child needs to see you being friendly with your ex so you still feel like a family, then you do that.
If your child needs a picture of mom for when he's at dad's house, then you do that.
GF doesn't really get a say in what your child needs. If you're pursuing anything with your ex beyond that, that's where she gets to put boundaries in place.
Men harasses women
Woman: Why are men like this?
You: why u hate all men, thats like sexism or something
I’d be extra petty and pick a wedding dress in a different color. I’ve seen some gorgeous navy wedding dresses. Then don’t tell her and show up in your not white dress. She’ll be so mad that she didn’t get a reaction from you and she will look ridiculous for wearing white.
Guys that won't commit but want you to aren't in love with you, they are using you as a placeholder til “better” comes along. Let him have better because, sis, you're the best! Forget him, focus on living your best life and be at your best when your king comes to claim his queen!
You know that situation where one person is unhappy and the other person just isn’t picking up that there’s a problem until they suddenly find themselves with divorce papers?
I feel like that might be you, op. ‘Cause that joke just isn’t funny. That sounds like a message to me.
When you've made things so unbalanced, it's on you to make them equal again. You cannot slack and then expect her to continue to want to put in effort for you when you haven't for her.
I already resent her so much for doing this multiple times, That's all I love with is anxious thoughts, and you're right. I would tell my friends/family the same thing. This is my first relationship too, any advice on how to bring up this conversation? Thank you so much, I really appreciate the words.
If he comes to get his stuff have a police officer with you. It would be quite stupid honestly if you let him come alone after the death threats he has made
Break up and put yourself in therapy. Adult women don't consent to controlling relationships like this one.