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It isn’t a mistake. I’m going on a date. You’re not my boyfriend or sexual partner. So if I want sex I’m going to choose the person I’m already fucking because we already have that arrangement.
Going on date and dating as in relationship are two different things. For you to call me the dumb ass you simply refuse to grasp the concept of autonomy, consent, and communication.
Well he cuddled me all morning and said he will let me know by tomorrow
He prob hasn’t told his coworkers he’s in a 1.5 year relationship and has been acting sketchy. You’re worth more than that and deserve to be treated so much better. Don’t let anyone make you feel this way.
Lol. That's always a possibility.
If you don’t tell him then you should never complain about your other friends being cheated on or you yourself being cheated on.
Everybody that cheats with a friend says shit like this!
Neither of them would.. this is rural Ohio.. it’s weird here
I actually have extended the courtesy of understanding to those who deal with this in their loved ones. You mention yelling several times. Not once did I say that was acceptable behavior towards a loved one. As a matter of fact, it’s not. Certainly none of us can claim we’ve never yelled, but it doesn’t excuse the behavior. Not only did I extend understanding, I actually mentioned that one response is NOT more important than the other and specifically state a diagnosis should not be used as an excuse for poor behavior. Frankly, I’m a bit puzzled why you’d suggest I was not being understanding. It’s interesting to hear you describe your difficulty with understanding trauma responses and specifically mentioning other physical injuries or ailments. Your description of how impossible it is for you to receive the intended message while someone is yelling (ie. all I see is red, I’m checked out, I just can’t break through) is, without question, a trauma response. Textbook. You even acknowledge it as such. Because of your childhood, yelling is a behavior that causes you to shut down. Physically shut down. That is because your brain was taught that the safest response was to disconnect from your body and freeze. A person who has endured prolonged or multiple traumatic events might actually respond in more than one way. For example, fight/fawn. Yell and then become overly apologetic. One such example of this dynamic for you might be that you shut down when someone yells because that’s what your brain learned to do. Now you might stop responding completely, which for many people will trigger a response and they’ll feel the need to “get bigger” to try and reach you with their feelings or distress. It’s a classic example of the push-pull dynamic. One chases and the other retreats. Suddenly, two people’s equally valid traumatic experiences (where their brain learned two very different ways of keeping itself safe) are feeding into this cycle of pursuit and withdrawal. Both are distressed and using their learned coping techniques. Now one person is yelling because they are desperately needing to feel heard and understood while the other retreats and shuts down because they learned it would keep them safe to avoid conflict entirely. What is exceptionally fascinating is that individuals who experience severe or prolonged trauma are SIGNIFICANTLY MORE LIKELY TO EXPERIENCE OTHER HEALTH PROBLEMS. Their stress levels cause inflammation. We’ve all likely heard that stress produces Cortisol. This is scientific fact. Cortisol reduces the functions of the body that would be deemed “non-essential” in a fight or flight situation. It actually alters immune responses in the body and suppresses the digestive system. By the way, I’ll mention here that I was diagnosed with Crohn’s disease about a year after moving in with my ex-husband. Crohn’s is an autoimmune disease that causes the body to attack the digestive system. During our marriage I was hospitalized anywhere between 2 and 4 times per year. After my divorce, I have not been admitted to the hospital one time for a Crohn’s flare. I am in remission, but I will likely never be able to taper off my medication because my disease is considered to be moderate to severe and has only in these last several years been well controlled. Those years directly correlate to my split and subsequent divorce. I could lay out a timeline of my marriage and another with my health struggles and flares and you’d be able to see the correlation plain as day. Alas, I have digressed, but I felt it important to give clear and specific examples of how trauma DOES create other very serious health issues. Just as serious as a broken leg or a heart condition.
2 words, med school.
Secure your future.
Yeah – 2 years after an 11 year relationship, can still sting. He might have gotten into a new relationship too early. Maybe some counselling to move on, would not go amiss.
However, this might be a cultural thing, but ‘not being asked’ when you are in your 30s, is pretty normal. If you meet each other’s parents and your friends all know about your relationship, then you are official. Not sure, what you were hoping for – a grand romantic gesture? If there are specific things you want, you need to communicate that to him. By his surprise, I am guessing, it hadn’t even occurred to him, that this could be something you are missing.
Just pick the date of your first kiss or something similar and then tell him that you want to really make it a big thing.
On the ex front, you need to figure out, if that is something you want. The references will likely get less, but it sounds like he needs more time to get there. If I get the timeline right from your entry, you two became an item, less than a year after the long-term relationship ended, so what is happening is absolutely not surprising. He is clearly still processing the breakup – just arguably, that is not the right time to be in a relationship. Do you want to keep going? From the fact you were waiting for an official ‘question’, I’m guessing ‘yes’, but only you can answer that one. He’s not going to be done processing over night, just because he asked you to be his gf.
The real question is: What were you hoping/expecting from the magical question? Did you feel afterwards his behaviour should be different in some way? Do you feel, you are not being made a fuss off enough?
I am not sure if you are articulating this well. Do you mean you expect him to listen to your concerns and comments without it turning into a fight? If so, then yes, that is part of mature communication. If you mean something else, can you give me more detail?
The part of this story I don't understand is why he told you about the brothel if he was lying when he could have just said he was at a bar. Everything else is very sad suspicious
I shall do my friend
I can laugh at my own pain ppl cope differently. Wait what? Where are the lies?
Wow, had to look that up and it really is expensive. But also very technologic and looks nice. Maybe you could accept the gesture and try it? It can dry your hair without the need of excessive heat, preserving the threads. Once you start losing hair and the threads start to get thin this is the sorta gadget that you would like to have
Thank you, that’s kind of you to say!
I'm guessing, but it sounds like this was a really frustrating situation for him and he just tried to ignore it until he exploded. Honestly, I don't blame him for being frustrated, just how he expressed it. I wouldn't be with someone who didn't want to kiss, for example. I also don't blame you…you're allowed to have whatever boundaries you want and your partner should absolutely respect them.
But to answer your question, no, you shouldn't try to get him back. Not being able to process emotions and communicate like a grown up is a big red flag. Angry outbursts and insults…big red flag. If you're incompatible on this issue, it seems like the best thing is to do is find someone who respects your boundaries without resentment.
This guy isn't this incompetent yeah? He holds down a job, got an education. He's shown he can be held accountable right? So why is it not his problem in his own living space? Because you enable him.
He's an awful pet owner and partner.
Leave. Take the cat. Stop wasting your time on him someone who is adamant against change and equality in a relationship.
Tell him this:
You apparently want my mom to know where your thoughts are, because you KNOW she's going to ask me what you got me. Congrats! You have now basically assured yourself that THAT isn't ever EVER going to happen.
are you his flesh doll?
Idk about you, but I'd be upset if someone were to name someone the exact same name as me and didn't AT LEAST look like me
He's taking things too fast which is something you should keep in mind. I think the pregnancy plays into his warped idea of the chaste woman he wants but also has relations with. Don't let this man define your story you made a difficult decision that he could never understand. Please take care of yourself if you deserve someone who accepts every part of you.
I also want to note that I found the two other accounts on MY phone through my own tiktok. I’m not sure if that was clear. I see where you’re coming from!
He had an anger problem.
But it wasn't my problem…
Yeah well now you can actually pay attention, hmm. You haven't required him to work on his issues, and the result is he has issues and you don't like it.
He needs to get help, and you need to be ready to leave
Bit of an over reaction I think, but I’ll take it on board thanks.
I have tried that but i cant enjoy masturbating while he penetrates me i just cant focus on it lol. I might just be weird
My advice, you're too new in your relationship to be doing shit like that. Boundaries are still being established so you brought this on yourself. Get a good night's sleep, as you said he immediately let go and apologized so get some sleep, tomorrow just move on but quit that type of play till you two actually know one another a bit more
haha ur the clown who cant comprehend to read he dont care about the ex gf.. he is not happy his best friend went behind his back..
There is absolutely nothing that turns me off more than a person that can’t do basic life skills. I don’t care how busy you are. How rich you are. You can pay a cleaner/cook/gardener but at least know how to do those things otherwise it feels like you live with a giant baby with money.
Go over to YouTube and search for a life coach called Corey Wayne. I think he has some really good advice on dating and relationships and it'll help you loads with finding someone really amazing if that's what you're looking for
You both have your own truths, tell him you want to set up a camera or something, see who's truth pans out.
Stay away from him and date someone who’s good to you. I promise you those pangs of longing aren’t worth the frustration and heartbreak of a toxic relationship.
If you routinely exercise your compassion, then that “emotional muscle” is probably rather strong, so it makes sense you feel that for others too. Just make sure to think through the entire situation before acting. You can’t save everyone, as up much as it would be nice if you could. And also right now, like you alluded to, it APEARS she hasn’t meet her goals, but that’s just assumptions on your part. Best to not act on assumptions, that’s where compassion turns into pity, and no one likes being pitied.
That is completely not what they said. They said if you’re incompatible. Having a spontaneous desire and your partner being responsive is not incompatibility.
Nothing makes it ok that he’s cheating on you. Let his side piece take care of him. Don’t return the ring if he gave you one.
You sound like a child.
Yep, suddenly the trip became 1 person less and that much more enjoyable.
I mean you are in your 50's so I guess it is just different way of thinking
Bro 14 year olds can really login to reddit and just say whatever the fuck lmao
Unfortunately I find it very nude to control my emotions and people are definitely noticing the constant smiles and looks we exchange…
You're already engaging in an emotional affair. Telling anyone else but your partner that you like them is a huge no-go, and extremely inappropriate.
How comfortable would you feel if your wife comforted a friend in the same manner? Would you be happy about it? Would you think it was cheating? It’s definitely crossing lines. Especially since you both felt it necessary to keep it a secret from your wife.
Also, if I were you I would explain exactly what happened. Do you really wan to her find out another way? What if the friend or you slips up and makes mention of it or the friend tells someone who tells your wife? It’s best to come clean than hide it. You want to ruin any trust then by all means keep the secret.
My pull out baby was born last may
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I don't really know what to do here. We've been together for 4 years already. She stated that if I don't want to wait after marriage then I know what to do. We've done sexual stuff but that's mostly foreplay.
I'm so much of a physical person and it's bothering me so much that I can't have a proper conversation with her knowing that information.
We talked about it a few times but nothing changed.
I need insights from another perspective..
When you go out to eat you're either shit faced dressed in crocs or at a high end restaurant?
Y’all need to break up no questions asked
He also states she has taken the bus before. I think the only reason she didn't this time is because she was having a snit. Won't cancel my siblings Christmas present to Disney to pay for my car repair? I'll show you! I just won't go to work and get fired. This is what we call biting off our nose to spite our face.
Thank you! I struggle with voicing my feelings if there is any chance that it could upset/bother someone else and I realize it’s something I should work on. I appreciate your insight!
You know, he used you as a temporary convenience and then discarded without even having proper talk with you.
What is it that you like about him? His behaviour clearly shows he wasn't honest with you, possibly found himself someone else and decided to just disappear.
Closure is a myth, words can deceive, but his behaviour should have told you everything you need to know about him. Granted, I will give him some points he ditched you probably to be able to properly commit to someone. Which begs the question if hasn't cut contact completely, would you sabotage your relationship to meet him as “friends”?
I am sorry for being a bit aggressive with my message, but by the sounds of it your husband is just a better person and partner that makes you happier than you have been. What is the one thing that makes you love him more than your husband?
I'm really getting the full picture of this sub now, and I didn't expect this reaction at all.
Its almost as if there's this intense desire to completely devalue a person and strip them of all worth, based on just a few paragraphs of information.
There are a lot of good posters here though, who give constructive criticism and advice. I'm trying nude to focus on those comments that actually help, and letting the rest slide.
It's so bizarre to me when a partner shows you that they're going to be controlling and abusive, people will still stay with them and act surprised when it escalates. But it's ok because they love them, they're only abusive most of the time 10% of the time they're nice.
Bi dude here, never cheated on my partners, doesn’t matter the sex, cheating is cheating
Please do leave. Get out and keep yourself safe. He is abusing you both sexually and financially. It could, and most likely would, escalate to physical as he seems pretty hostile and aggressive.
Also, not sure how far along you are or where you live, but you need to consider if you want to tie yourself to this man for the next 18rs. Not that you can’t keep the pregnancy, it’s your choice, just something to consider. You can do it on your own, should you choose to keep it. It’ll be worth your and your future childs safety and overall well being.
didn't know suffering from trauma makes one immature now
I've seen witnessed similar situations between people at my university back in the day. He's not necessarily cheating on you yet in the typical sense, but he did definitely meet another girl that he has great contact with. He may not realize it himself but sooner or later he will replace you with her anyway.
Pre-university relationships rarely work. People are young, they enter new groups of people, sometimes hundreds of kilometers away from their home town, and even subconsciously treat it as a fresh start. In my personal experience it was incredibly rare for a pre-university relationship to survive, if that ever happened in my vicinity at all.
It’s a “them”problem, not a you problem. Also still really young and a ton of maturing happens over the next few years. Keep being you and don’t settle for someone who doesn’t fully appreciate you!
Most folks are going easy on you.
Mspy is a decent tracker app. You'd have to have access to his phone to load it on there, I believe with a secondary phone or computer.
It tracks basically everything. Google the program or some like it. Then you don't need to follow him…
She has it.
I loved a man in the same way. Had some mental things to work through and he loved me throughout but had bouts of cheating. Let me tell you that there is someone out there who will love you and support you and shockingly- never cheat.
You deserve better is all I'm saying.
Send a message to the ex. Find the real reason.
You have to choose now. Either stupidity or keep the flat.
Lol omg babe guess what, when we had that fight I totes reported you to the authorities and you might go to jail or her deported!! Lols!!!!
Depon each individual relationship but I say it's not.
Well have a good night
Washing/showering before sex is like wiping after a shit, neither is a curtesy, it’s a damn requirement, lol
I have known people like this. You view them as so intangibly, unreachably cool that you must be the one that isn't good enough. Her thoughts and opinions must be cool and complex and good and correct, so yours must be juvenile and subpar. Eventually the facade cracks a bit and you become aware that no, this other person is not as objectively beyond you as she feels. She is human, like you, and your thoughts and feelings hold the same weight and validity as hers. Unfortunately, it seems that she also views herself as untouchably above you, and will not treat you as her equal. This dynamic seems unhealthy
You two sound very incompatible and I would talk to her about ending this. The stress of not being good enough for her is alot to manage all the time. I went through same thing, felt amazing after breakup not having to please someone all the time
You're absolutely right about having it appraised since it could easily be that he thought it was real gold.
I'm a bit disappointed, though. Because I was looking forward to finding out why a priest should be involved in the whole ordeal.
My mind went to the ring being possesed and I really wanted to hear your reasoning behind that theory.
If I’m not mistaken she didn’t enjoy it. She was just curious
a 32 year old hitting on a 22 year old also seems a bit sus
Well it can rip your wife’s body open from clit to butt hole giving birth, if that’s enough to scare you straight. But that’s about her. My baby straight up took a chunk out of my nipple while breastfeeding, but again, that’s about your wife’s body. There’s a chance you won’t sleep more than 2 hours at a time for months. My husband and I have been projectile diarrhea-ed on, vomited on, sneezed on etc. My son likes to try to rip my moles off my body. And he just ripped out a chunk of my hair using it as a hand hold to climb up onto my bed. And he’s not even 2. He had a bad day today and screamed whenever he didn’t get his way, down to where I was sitting on the couch. And threw every single snack he had on the ground. And dumped out the dog’s water bowl and figured out how to get into the bathroom and play in the toilet. And that was all JUST TODAY. Be really sure. And have your wife be really sure because I was really really really sure (and I’m pregnant again) and this shit is fucking nude
Wow your gf almost got you killed. That’s insane. I could never trust a person like her
IMHO, you should just get it done.
It’s not a time for his ego.
His role and lack of control is a serious problem longer term. But also a separate issue when time & money are not on the line.
That’s not her problem lol she’s stated she has a good job and can financially support the child without him. Just cause y’all “need” an update doesn’t mean shit for her
Sounds like its way too late for therapy, why not consider saving the time, money, and mental energy therapy will require and just break up now?
I would recommend therapy for yourself though, after you break up, to work on healing and understanding the parts of you that thought it was ok to stay in a relationship where your needs were clearly not being met. Good luck.
He's 36. If he starts dating someone 36, they take 2 years to get engaged, 1 year to plan the wedding, she's 39. Now if he wanted 2 or 3 kids he's going to suddenly realize that's likely not going to happen. He'd be lucky to get one child.
That's just the biology of the situation, nothing personal.
A lot of people can and do get past cheating, even having a stronger marriage than before. It sounds like you have a lot of reasons to try and work things out with your spouse. Good luck to you.
These comments are all blaming her as if she wasn’t justified (she was), and now she’s concerned he’s gone to the other extreme end—he has—and is justifiably worried.
I swear Redditors have zero tolerance for nuance; it’s ridiculous…
I want the partner that is mean to me but I don't want them to be mean how do I perform the necessary exorcism. Mam that's who he is mean and nasty. Marry mr mean or find a nice person.
Why wasn’t he there?
How can I convince her to be less strict with me??
do you have means to get an apartment or room with friends? if so, you have leverage – tell her you don't have a curfew
Right. So she was continously using heavy drugs, and he was involved in the child's life and in a stable marriage. And even then, the mother is given chances to recover and get help. Removing custody is a last step to protect the child.
Your partner doesn't even know if he's the dad, and has done nothing to find out. He's not involved. He's not married. He is new to the area with no roots.
And even then, you aren't considering what's actually good for the child. That's his fucking mother. Is she abusing him? Is she neglecting him? Because you keep insisting she's “crazy” and “ill” and “on drugs” but never give examples, or say how (if) this child is being harmed or neglected.
MANY mentally ill people are perfectly capable parents, and you (and your spouse) aren't involved enough in her life to actually make calls about anything.
You are treating this child like a toy. You are ignoring what is best for him in favor of your convenience and it's disgusting.
If you and your partner actually care, and you guys actually want to help go through the system. Get a test and find out if it's even his son. If it is file for split custody and pay support. Be involved and supportive, instead of acting like since you've been with the dad a year you're going to be a better mother to someone else's child
Your wife is bi. Your church cleaves to the notion that any sex between same-sex individuals is a sin. This, half of your wife’s sexuality is wrong according to the church.
Because the church doesn’t accept who she is, your wife left the church, but you stayed. This put a strain on your marriage for obvious reasons, and you guys need counseling.
You’re happy to go to counseling, but you’re unwilling to tell the counselor your religious beliefs that are at the root of your marital problems. You think the best course of action is to HIDE your beliefs from the counselor. How is counseling supposed to work if you lie to the counselor?
This is like going to counseling bc your spouse had an affair, but the cheating spouse insists on hiding the infidelity from the counselor.
Sorry that your religious beliefs are so conservative as to be shameful, but you need to share them with your counselor. Those beliefs ARE your marital problem. Your counselor needs to know this so she can help you understand how your beliefs affect your wife- because you clearly don’t understand why it’s a problem.
How much taller is she than you?
You clearly are not completely okay with everything from her past if you are bothered by a scar.