As someone that's been there. STOP blaming yourself, STOP making excuses for him, HE IS NOT A GOOD MAN, he does NOT love you, DO NOT STAY, he WILL do it again and IT WILL GET WORSE, the longer you stay the more you will feel like you cannot leave. INFORM THE POLICE even if it's just to get it on record (I cannot stress to you how important this is for you and your child's future), get a close relative or friend to help you get out. I CANNOT STRESS HOW MUCH BETTER MINE AND MY CHILDS LIVES WERE WHEN WE WERE AWAY FROM HIM as I realised just how toxic and abusive he was. The sooner you get out the easier it will be. DO NOT EVER GO BACK as it will only get worse. You CANNOT let him get away with this or he will continue with it and worse.
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This is really long, sorry, but it's actually pretty condensed. I'll TLDR at the bottom. Also, probably NSFW?
Today my (F29) husband (M30) of four years was really withdrawn and quiet. I tried talking to him multiple times, when l asked what was wrong he said “nothing”. We had a work dinner he absolutely needed me to be there for (I translate for him a lot) so we gave our four month old son to a friend and she took great care of him. But when we got home, I sat the baby down on the bed with us so we could all play together a bit before we slept like we normally do. And instead of playing, my husband said “I'm really upset with you. You've offended me terribly.” His wording was so overly serious, at first I thought it was a joke. But I treated it seriously, asked “ok, what have I done? What's wrong?” and he just shook his head and said “I'm just so angry with you”. I started naming off things, asking if I'd said something at the dinner that upset him, or if he was angry because I went to a friend's house with the baby yesterday, and he kept saying “no, it's not that. I'm just so angry with you”. He said he was angry with me without expounding at all over 9 times. I stopped counting after a while.
Eventually I couldn't take it anymore like “listen if you're upset, you need to tell me why, I can't read your mind”. He said he didn't know how to tell me. “With words” I snapped. Instead, he got up, went to the closet, and pulled out the box where I put all our sexy time stuff, my lingerie, condoms, etc. We haven't used them in over a year because of the baby/pregnancy. And he pulls out a vibrator that was in there.
Backstory- a loooong time ago, well over a year and a half, my husband wanted to try and spice things up in the bedroom, so we went to a shop to get something. We bought the something, but it was low-quality and didn't work great, but we thought it did bring a little something extra. So I got the bright idea to surprise my husband and invest in a nicer version of it from a higher-end brand name. But the night where I planned a sexy evening where I'd bring out the surprise, we had a fight. He stormed off to the gym, and I shoved all of the sexy times stuff into a box. And shoved that into the closet, forgotten in a flurry of tears and never to be seen again. Until, apparently, tonight.
For some reason, my husband does not believe that that's what happened. Instead, he thinks l'm cheating on him with the vibrator. (Yes, he said cheating.) He says it amounts to a penis, and I'm replacing him in our bed by buying a vibrator and not telling him. If we had bought it together, apparently that would be ok, but me buying it without him knowing means I meant to use it to replace him. And now he can't trust me anymore. So he's decided that he wants to on-line together, but now we mean nothing to each other. He literally said the exact words “if I bought a vagina and you found it here in the house, wouldn't you feel betrayed?”
I said “first, don't call it that. It's a sex toy, not a human organ. And of course I would be hurt, but if you gave me a legitimate reason for having it, like say the pregnancy, you apologized, you told me that you loved me and were still attracted to me, and then got rid of it, I would probably have a little cry over it but then I'd hug you and say I understand, thank you for throwing it away.” I did all of that, by the way, the apology, the explanation, and the tossing of the item. But nope. Not good enough. He said “you're lying, that story is fake, there's nothing that you can say to convince me that you haven't been using that instead of me”.
Like dude??? WHEN have I even had the time???? He works from home! We're together 24/7 in a one-bedroom apartment! We have a four-month-old that refuses to be set down and wants to be in my arms all the time! And the past three times l've tried to initiate sex with my husband, he says he's too tired. We've only done it twice since the baby arrived. So I AM trying to have a sexual relationship with him, l'm not trying to “replace” him (the original intent for the item was still WITH him), I don't get what I'm supposed to do here.
He said he just wants to online together, but not to have a relationship anymore. I told him no, either we fix this or we divorce, we're not going to live! in some limbo where we sleep in separate rooms and hate each other's existence. My son is either going to be raised with a healthy family dynamic or a healthy single parent family situation, l'm not putting him through the trauma of living with parents who can't stand to be together.
He just kept getting more and more upset, he said I was worse than his ex ever was and that he was a fool for leaving her (she chased him with a knife once. Apparently a vibrator is worse than a knife?) He said “I don't care anymore, you can use it all day now”, and no matter how much I repeated “I haven't used it!!!!” he kept insisting that I did. He said l'm a sl*t and a liar. So now l'm sleeping in the rocking chair next to the baby's crib because he got in our bed and said “I just want you to shut up, leave me alone”.
So. There's the general issue. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to think. His logic absolutely baffles me, we haven't been fighting recently so I don't think it's something else coming out in a weird way. But he's decided he now wants to emotionally divorce me but not legally divorce me, and we live! our lives as separate people. You know, in the one-bedroom apartment. With the four month old baby, and with both of our families living in another country.
TLDR my husband found a vibrator in a box in the closet that's been there untouched for almost two years and feels I've betrayed him. He wants to end our relationship but still on-line together, and not get a legal divorce. What can I possibly do here?
Oh for fucks sake. Block him on everything, if he has a key to the door, change the locks. If you see him in the streets start screaming at him ” where is my money ” and say nothing else to him.
This is abuse, OP. You’re my age. I just got my sister out of a relationship like this one and I can pinky promise you that there is so much more fun to be had in life than shit like this.
Jesus…why would you ever think to date this man? He sounds like a complete loser to me. Also considering he’s much older than you. I’m not going to sugarcoat it like the other commenters but you made a bad choice here and now you gotta fix it. You can get an abortion if it’s accessible wherever you are. You don’t have to keep it. Definitely a learning lesson to be made out of this!
Dude my gf and I both have ADHD. This behaviour has nothing to do with estrogen or ADHD meds.. it's totally unhinged.. I was in an abusive relationship and trust me it doesn't get better, nothing you do will fix her behaviour, stop holding out hope it's futile.. and in the end after I put up with all of her bullshit the relationship ended when she cheated on me.. you know how I felt? Relieved.. even if she has some condition that can explain your gfs behaviour, it's not your responsibility to deal with it, it's not like you would even be able to help her.. the best thing you can do to help her is to put your foot down and give her a wake up call, then leave.. you know what you have to do, it's just not worth it
How does this test work though? Like if someone anonymously messaged me saying they know me and wanted to see my favorite song as a sign, I would totally post that to test whether they were actually someone I know. I'm sure she gets all kinds of messages like this from complete strangers. I don't know that you can read into it that much.
Yeah, there’s more going on here. What’s the real reason that this is such an important issue to her?
Also, if you forgave the intentional smashing of a 2000 piece lego set after all those hours lovingly put it together, you’re a better man than I. One wonders if the lego set itself represented something to her—you chose to spend god knows how many hours putting together a toy when you could have been showing you love her by driving her to and from these events. Or something like that. Or maybe she just chose to intentionally hurt you by destroying something you care about.
I would leave and divorce my husband of nearly a decade, whom I love immoderately and is my world, if he did anything violent, verbally or physically, no matter how intoxicated or not he was.
And I’m a big stocky dude. I don’t fuck around with that shit. Zero tolerance.
What is her reason for this? Ask her about it. Yes, have a confrontation, as she does have a specific reason.
Begin by telling her you can't stop thinking about it. Tell her that you feel insecure, as there must be a reason for her wanting to stay at that hotel. In addition to her birthday being that day, and you not being invited that day, tell her that yes you start to distrust her, and you hope she can see why. You can elaborate telling that trust is built and maintained, and she is in fact doing something suspicious.
Ask her, is this event worth sabotaging your trust in her? Tell her how long you have been together, and ask her if you have been controlling to her. Since you weren't told her, you wouldn't act like that unless you had a good reason. Tell her unless she compromises with you, she might permanently undermine your trust in her.
IF she still decides to do as she pleases. Well, what would you do knowing she has cheated on you there? Ask yourself this question.
This makes no sense. That's completely illogical since the wife already knows who she's cheating with, so to her, it makes 0 difference if someone tells her “I know who it is” vs “it's XYZ” – if just KNOWING the person's identity is demasking this anon, then both of those statements will demask him in front of the wife.
If he can't afford rent he's can't afford lawyer and defamation is only if it effects his financial or standings in some kind of organization. Just girls sharing stories of some POS is only def if he was fired from work for it or something of that nature.
I had a good collection of d-pics when I met my (now ex) bf. I deleted every single one bc it felt wrong to have those hidden on my phone. How dare he accuse you of being crazy! It’s disrespectful to you and his ex!
As someone that's been there. STOP blaming yourself, STOP making excuses for him, HE IS NOT A GOOD MAN, he does NOT love you, DO NOT STAY, he WILL do it again and IT WILL GET WORSE, the longer you stay the more you will feel like you cannot leave. INFORM THE POLICE even if it's just to get it on record (I cannot stress to you how important this is for you and your child's future), get a close relative or friend to help you get out. I CANNOT STRESS HOW MUCH BETTER MINE AND MY CHILDS LIVES WERE WHEN WE WERE AWAY FROM HIM as I realised just how toxic and abusive he was. The sooner you get out the easier it will be. DO NOT EVER GO BACK as it will only get worse. You CANNOT let him get away with this or he will continue with it and worse.
It's not going to go anywhere. After two years, he's not going to leave his wife, you're the side piece, though you both deserve each other.
What you should do is break up and, in the future, don't start any type of relationship with married men.
Yeesh, being someone else’s everything is a LOT. Too much pressure on your husband.
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If you have the money, please just hire the PI. Digging through all his stuff and finding out every detail will not be healthy for you.
If all you need to leave him is a “yes he’s cheating, here’s a pic of the girl” then please just hire someone to do this for you.
Ask the girl why she did it
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below.
This is really long, sorry, but it's actually pretty condensed. I'll TLDR at the bottom. Also, probably NSFW?
Today my (F29) husband (M30) of four years was really withdrawn and quiet. I tried talking to him multiple times, when l asked what was wrong he said “nothing”. We had a work dinner he absolutely needed me to be there for (I translate for him a lot) so we gave our four month old son to a friend and she took great care of him. But when we got home, I sat the baby down on the bed with us so we could all play together a bit before we slept like we normally do. And instead of playing, my husband said “I'm really upset with you. You've offended me terribly.” His wording was so overly serious, at first I thought it was a joke. But I treated it seriously, asked “ok, what have I done? What's wrong?” and he just shook his head and said “I'm just so angry with you”. I started naming off things, asking if I'd said something at the dinner that upset him, or if he was angry because I went to a friend's house with the baby yesterday, and he kept saying “no, it's not that. I'm just so angry with you”. He said he was angry with me without expounding at all over 9 times. I stopped counting after a while.
Eventually I couldn't take it anymore like “listen if you're upset, you need to tell me why, I can't read your mind”. He said he didn't know how to tell me. “With words” I snapped. Instead, he got up, went to the closet, and pulled out the box where I put all our sexy time stuff, my lingerie, condoms, etc. We haven't used them in over a year because of the baby/pregnancy. And he pulls out a vibrator that was in there.
Backstory- a loooong time ago, well over a year and a half, my husband wanted to try and spice things up in the bedroom, so we went to a shop to get something. We bought the something, but it was low-quality and didn't work great, but we thought it did bring a little something extra. So I got the bright idea to surprise my husband and invest in a nicer version of it from a higher-end brand name. But the night where I planned a sexy evening where I'd bring out the surprise, we had a fight. He stormed off to the gym, and I shoved all of the sexy times stuff into a box. And shoved that into the closet, forgotten in a flurry of tears and never to be seen again. Until, apparently, tonight.
For some reason, my husband does not believe that that's what happened. Instead, he thinks l'm cheating on him with the vibrator. (Yes, he said cheating.) He says it amounts to a penis, and I'm replacing him in our bed by buying a vibrator and not telling him. If we had bought it together, apparently that would be ok, but me buying it without him knowing means I meant to use it to replace him. And now he can't trust me anymore. So he's decided that he wants to on-line together, but now we mean nothing to each other. He literally said the exact words “if I bought a vagina and you found it here in the house, wouldn't you feel betrayed?”
I said “first, don't call it that. It's a sex toy, not a human organ. And of course I would be hurt, but if you gave me a legitimate reason for having it, like say the pregnancy, you apologized, you told me that you loved me and were still attracted to me, and then got rid of it, I would probably have a little cry over it but then I'd hug you and say I understand, thank you for throwing it away.” I did all of that, by the way, the apology, the explanation, and the tossing of the item. But nope. Not good enough. He said “you're lying, that story is fake, there's nothing that you can say to convince me that you haven't been using that instead of me”.
Like dude??? WHEN have I even had the time???? He works from home! We're together 24/7 in a one-bedroom apartment! We have a four-month-old that refuses to be set down and wants to be in my arms all the time! And the past three times l've tried to initiate sex with my husband, he says he's too tired. We've only done it twice since the baby arrived. So I AM trying to have a sexual relationship with him, l'm not trying to “replace” him (the original intent for the item was still WITH him), I don't get what I'm supposed to do here.
He said he just wants to online together, but not to have a relationship anymore. I told him no, either we fix this or we divorce, we're not going to live! in some limbo where we sleep in separate rooms and hate each other's existence. My son is either going to be raised with a healthy family dynamic or a healthy single parent family situation, l'm not putting him through the trauma of living with parents who can't stand to be together.
He just kept getting more and more upset, he said I was worse than his ex ever was and that he was a fool for leaving her (she chased him with a knife once. Apparently a vibrator is worse than a knife?) He said “I don't care anymore, you can use it all day now”, and no matter how much I repeated “I haven't used it!!!!” he kept insisting that I did. He said l'm a sl*t and a liar. So now l'm sleeping in the rocking chair next to the baby's crib because he got in our bed and said “I just want you to shut up, leave me alone”.
So. There's the general issue. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to think. His logic absolutely baffles me, we haven't been fighting recently so I don't think it's something else coming out in a weird way. But he's decided he now wants to emotionally divorce me but not legally divorce me, and we live! our lives as separate people. You know, in the one-bedroom apartment. With the four month old baby, and with both of our families living in another country.
TLDR my husband found a vibrator in a box in the closet that's been there untouched for almost two years and feels I've betrayed him. He wants to end our relationship but still on-line together, and not get a legal divorce. What can I possibly do here?
Nah that was hella suspicious.
That makes a lot of sense. Thank you ??
Oh for fucks sake. Block him on everything, if he has a key to the door, change the locks. If you see him in the streets start screaming at him ” where is my money ” and say nothing else to him.
Go see a therapist for your issues
This is abuse, OP. You’re my age. I just got my sister out of a relationship like this one and I can pinky promise you that there is so much more fun to be had in life than shit like this.
Jesus…why would you ever think to date this man? He sounds like a complete loser to me. Also considering he’s much older than you. I’m not going to sugarcoat it like the other commenters but you made a bad choice here and now you gotta fix it. You can get an abortion if it’s accessible wherever you are. You don’t have to keep it. Definitely a learning lesson to be made out of this!
Dude my gf and I both have ADHD. This behaviour has nothing to do with estrogen or ADHD meds.. it's totally unhinged.. I was in an abusive relationship and trust me it doesn't get better, nothing you do will fix her behaviour, stop holding out hope it's futile.. and in the end after I put up with all of her bullshit the relationship ended when she cheated on me.. you know how I felt? Relieved.. even if she has some condition that can explain your gfs behaviour, it's not your responsibility to deal with it, it's not like you would even be able to help her.. the best thing you can do to help her is to put your foot down and give her a wake up call, then leave.. you know what you have to do, it's just not worth it
How does this test work though? Like if someone anonymously messaged me saying they know me and wanted to see my favorite song as a sign, I would totally post that to test whether they were actually someone I know. I'm sure she gets all kinds of messages like this from complete strangers. I don't know that you can read into it that much.
Yeah, there’s more going on here. What’s the real reason that this is such an important issue to her?
Also, if you forgave the intentional smashing of a 2000 piece lego set after all those hours lovingly put it together, you’re a better man than I. One wonders if the lego set itself represented something to her—you chose to spend god knows how many hours putting together a toy when you could have been showing you love her by driving her to and from these events. Or something like that. Or maybe she just chose to intentionally hurt you by destroying something you care about.
Yes, PLEASE do this!
That's fine, your emotions are valid. If ypu want actual answers, delete this and repost but leave out the part where she's trans.
Meth heads, Pot smokers all deserve any Karma they get.
You do now.
Done. English is my third language and I rarely have to type long texts, my bad!
That's usually how reddit stories go.
Getting her to add her Facebook details also works for this.
This is my own personal bias.
I would leave and divorce my husband of nearly a decade, whom I love immoderately and is my world, if he did anything violent, verbally or physically, no matter how intoxicated or not he was.
And I’m a big stocky dude. I don’t fuck around with that shit. Zero tolerance.
What is her reason for this? Ask her about it. Yes, have a confrontation, as she does have a specific reason.
Begin by telling her you can't stop thinking about it. Tell her that you feel insecure, as there must be a reason for her wanting to stay at that hotel. In addition to her birthday being that day, and you not being invited that day, tell her that yes you start to distrust her, and you hope she can see why. You can elaborate telling that trust is built and maintained, and she is in fact doing something suspicious.
Ask her, is this event worth sabotaging your trust in her? Tell her how long you have been together, and ask her if you have been controlling to her. Since you weren't told her, you wouldn't act like that unless you had a good reason. Tell her unless she compromises with you, she might permanently undermine your trust in her.
IF she still decides to do as she pleases. Well, what would you do knowing she has cheated on you there? Ask yourself this question.
Red flag. You should be allowed to have male friends. I'd say break it off with your fiancee.
This makes no sense. That's completely illogical since the wife already knows who she's cheating with, so to her, it makes 0 difference if someone tells her “I know who it is” vs “it's XYZ” – if just KNOWING the person's identity is demasking this anon, then both of those statements will demask him in front of the wife.
If he can't afford rent he's can't afford lawyer and defamation is only if it effects his financial or standings in some kind of organization. Just girls sharing stories of some POS is only def if he was fired from work for it or something of that nature.
I had a good collection of d-pics when I met my (now ex) bf. I deleted every single one bc it felt wrong to have those hidden on my phone. How dare he accuse you of being crazy! It’s disrespectful to you and his ex!