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Nothing happened that could cause this. In the first year of relationship, and all my life before, i have had veryyy high sex drive. I don't think i became asexual
I know theres nothing wrong with not wanting it, but i really miss the way it felt.
So many wrong things in this post. I am so sorry, you probably won’t understand this now and think people here on reddit don’t know what we’re talking about because he is so good and nice to you, compliments you blabla..
sexual coercion and grooming are what is happening here. Don’t you think he planned to just “stuck it in” and tell you how you’ll like it. This was ONE boundary you had and he broke it in a matter of second, and made you believe that that’s okay and that you want it too. One day you’ll realize you didn’t want a 41 old guy to just stick it in on your first time.
She's acting immature and like an AH. She needs to calm down and sort her self out, you need to sort yourself out too. What is it that you want from each other, what is it that she wants from you, what do you want from her. Take a break, be there for the child, but if she keeps going at you like this with the “accidental” messages and calls and jerking you around, then you two should stay broken up.
He was never married to the one with the baby, it was just a situationship.
Do you both hold the same level of education?
Do not engage with Infamous Vagina Spammer
You don't need to break up with him. SHE needs to break up with him. If she won't, she's not partner material, so break up with her.
Thanks for the advice
Thank you both for reassuring me, because I feel like I'm going crazy for my response
Therapy. He didn't see all that drama coming and got blindsided. He's reeling and lashing out. Lucky you, for being the person is proximity.
One expects exes to be problematic, but one's own family? That's a bit much. Somehow, the ex has turned his kids AND his family against him. She sounds like a piece of work, and his family must be crappy too.
Will he even speak with you about this without venom? If not, your marriage may not survive the double whammy hubs got. If his choices are to stay with you and lose his FOO and kids or leave you and get back with his ex, he's gotta be struggling. His ex is an ex for a reason, and he may prefer gnawing off a foot to avoid being trapped with her. He's angry/sad that his kids' minds are being poisoned. He's likely astounded at his family bring so… crazy, but doesn't want to lose them. We'll assume that he loves you since he married you despite his family's disapproval.
If you can get him into therapy, maybe there is hope that he'll see everything clearer and place blame where it lies.
FWIW, his ex turning his kids against him could be considered parental alienation, which is generally frowned upon in family court.
Yes. My pull out baby is due in two days lol ?
Look, this is bullshit.
He might have, or he might have not… but you are not clairvoyant.
You go on making your statesments, do your best to help people around you etc etc… but do know, that when you present your opinion as a fact… it only makes you look fake. I was with you until you started “knowing” stuff nobody can really know.
Who are the people that you feel will take you seriously when you pull that shit? Naive fucking individuals that's who.
Lot's of people got together with the same or greater age gap and they turned out ok.
You can't possibly know how mature OP or her crush really are, so why the fuck would you present yourself like you do?
Warn her, tell her potential red flags… the whole show.
But realise that it's you who is the asshole when you pass judgement on somebody like that. Immature asshole at that.
Thank you so much for your response
…does he have some sort of disability? At 30+, he’ll even 20+, the only “excuse” for things like this is some sort of intellectual, cognitive disability, or brain injury.
Hahaha NO. Just no. He is gross, he needs someone to give him a reality check and you and the kids gave it to him. NO you should not have to apologize and obey his wishes to have his gross bathroom habits be left alone he lives in a house with other people who he is being disrespectful to with this behavior. No YOU should not have to be plunging his poops down ?. I would have zero sex drive, when he comes looking for it tell him having to see his reeds is a major turnoff and you just can’t see him as sexy or anything but gross because of his behaviors and maybe then he will change them. You really should have stood firmly on this years ago you’ve allowed this bad behavior to continue and want to change him now, good luck with that you might be better off moving out! Or make him build himself his own bathroom.
Sounds to me like this relationship has run it’s course. I think that he is enjoying his social life and doesn’t care whether you’re there or not.
If I were you I’d just not date anyone from work or who runs in the same social circles, it always makes things awkward
tell his wife and their HR
Hey OP, like some other people are mentioning, I highly recommend posting this on the non-monogamy subs. You'll find people there who would relate to you and give better advice. Lots of people here are accusing you like you coerced him into this, but it doesn't sound like that at all. You two have clearly been practicing ethican non-monogamy for a while, and there's nothing wrong with that because both of you are consenting to it, seemingly without coercing the other.
This isn't the best sub for asking advice on this because it seems like a lot of people are coming at it from a strictly monogamous pov. I also can't really offer much advice because I'm monogamous lol. Aside from going on a different sub, I'd recommend maybe giving him some space for a little. He might still be processing. He might also have realized that he doesn't like the idea of multiple men having sex with you through his processing, and he might be figuring out how to deal with that and possibly come to you with that information. Quite frequently, people come to the realization that their fantasies were better left as fantasies and not actually played out in real life. That doesn't mean your marriage is over!!! Give it some time. If this behavior persists long-term, it might be time to seek couples counseling. Hell, that might be could to look into now to openly discuss and navigate sexual fantasies with a mediator
He gave you a heads up that something that you said may give you issues was in his car and instead of taking that information as him trying to warn and prepare you should you get into his car you took it as a deliberate provocation of your trigger.
I can see why he finally blew up about it. He could have definitely been nicer about telling you to cut it out but yeah you're making a mountain out of a molehill because you decided never to go to therapy to unpack those issues you have that are causing you to lash out over something as dumb as a ham radio hobby.
Also he wanted to do ham radio and you said that's a trigger try talking to random people live! which is literally the thing your dad did but that's not a trigger? The logical leaps are exhausting I definitely understand why he's not eager to “win” you back when you think you're in the right unloading your mental health issues on him instead of getting help to overcome them.
Anxious attachment style. Therapy is the key 🙂
He's gay, you're gross or both.
Ohhh because she is the only parent here..
Well yeah I have thought about the age gap I'm not stupid. As for what we have in common, alot actually and she's been going out with a guy that is older than I am for over a year now. Anyway seems like people are too concerned about the age gap to give advice ill just delete this.
You don't. WHEN she returns to work, she can decide for herself then. It isn't your decision to make. Put up and shut up.
With a young child it is likely she will cut back on her hours and workload anyway because as parents we tend to prioritise our family. At least that's my experience.
Until then, be glad you both work and are in such a great position. And consider cutting back your workload too, to make time for your child.
I'm trying to figure out what profession exactly his wife is in that this is okay to her.
Like is she a model and he's a photographer, and they're going on a vacation together to network or something?
Do they both share a very specific niche hobby that means traveling to somewhere that would mean a lot to them both – like are they both crazy about mountain climbing and the vacation is a tip to fucking Everest??
Like you, I'm so fucking confused about the logic and priorities here.
I just can't fathom a profession where a new guys waltzes in, says he's in love with a coworker, and then they laugh it off and…go on vacation together while the coworker's husband is at home with their kids? Like? What is this?
She doesn't even know this dude. She doesn't know if he can be trusted alone in fuck knows where.
If this was a guy she'd known for a couple years or something, then hey, sure, maybe a one-on-one weekend vacation would make sense…but a new coworker? Who said he loves her?
And wants to go on a holiday specifically without her partner?
What in the fuck is this?
I hope so too, because it is a rather small issue comparatively but it may take alot of work. You may have to consider quitting smoking for good. Because it sounds like this isnt something shes just gonna let go.
It's already over, most people won't recover from cheating, especially if they have no real reason to do so, like kids etc.
At your age, why bother? You have all the time in the world to find someone better.
Believe it, it happens all the time especially when you’ve been dating since you were in highschool. Don’t fall into the sink coat trap, don’t waste your 20s with this man.
OP edit:
There are some posts concerning about why we aren't married after so much time together. The reason is me. I don't want to marry him yet because he made some bad financial choices in the past and he's still trying to correct them. I don't want be dragged into that mess.
Is weird. 14 years, two kids… It's fine to have two permanent additions to your family an live! with someone for 14 years but not sign paperwork because you're afraid they might financially saddle you with something?
You're already saddled.
That’s not fair to you. My partner struggles with chronic back pain. Something they always remind me of is that pain/illness is relative to the person. Their worst pain day could look and feel entirely different than what mine looks like. That doesn’t mean that their pain is more important if it’s chronic and mine doesn’t matter if it’s temporary. If I threw my back out, they wouldn’t harass me about how much worse others with back pain have it. They’d try to make sure I was okay because they know that it sucks.
Also being sick also just isn’t a fun feeling at all? Sometimes a runny nose and cough can be just as annoying as being stuck in bed all day with a fever. Emotional and mental health is just as important for healing too. How can you focus on getting better when you’re fretting over some chud pretending that being sick isn’t miserable? Why be with someone who doesn’t care about you when you’re not 100% yourself?
Cut her off now. And wear a condom every time if you're not ready to be a father.
Don’t have unprotected sex. Run like hell from this relationship and don’t look back. This is beyond unacceptable behavior.