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Your relationship works for him at present. He has no reason to want to change his status to “married” so he keeps moving the goalposts to keep you hanging on. I wouldn't waste anymore of my youth on this commitment phobic man.
What are the chances it will get back to him if you don't bring it up?
If it's low then it may be best to keep it to yourself to protect your marriage. I wouldn't risk divorce and disrupting your kid's life over a kiss. Sex is one thing but this, providing it was just one time, is comparatively minor. Put some distance between you and your friend. Maybe cut back on your social alcohol intake.
If there's a good chance he'll hear about it from your friend or others then own up to it right away. If he finds out from someone else it will probably be much worse than hearing it from you.
It is very toxic to be comparing yourself to your new partner when you're two different complete people. The more you continue to compare yourself, the more you will end up resenting yourself and slowly resent her. You should talk to her about it or seek mental help about it. Because it'll end up helping you a lot with expressing these feelings and how you feel overall.
Don't compare yourself to someone who isn't you. When you want change, then prove it to yourself instead of sitting there comparing.
Yes I acknowledge where my actions seems to betray my resolve but at this point I know I won't make any moves but if she does, I know I will falter. We have to see each other because we already agreed to co parent our dogs by her coming to see them in my place till she moves out from her sister's place to her own. I want to seek the possibility of a neutral place like the dog park but I don't want to hurt her feelings by saying she can't come to my place to see them either, we didn't work out a schedule and it's not fair for me to deny her seeing them just because I don't feel comfortable.
We did the masturbation thing a couple of times now. So I just tell him “that was fun, and we are not going to do that anymore”?
He is glowing happy, it would feel very cruel to cut him off now.
The best I could do is stay at right this point.
Here's 2 cents from a smoker of 5 years that's been struggling to quit. My Fiance HATES it and I really really want to quit and have tried to quit many many times.
Quitting can be miserable and withdrawal symptoms suck for everyone around them. Either he quits Cold Turkey and you be as supportive as possible or you try to get him to switch to vape, patches, or pouches.
This time I'm back to pouches. I guarantee he feels guilty about it, and jonesing for a cigarette can make a man do stupid things like lie about it.
Smoking is disgusting, but you gotta understand that he's chemically dependent on nicotine and that's not an easy thing.
Yeah but then you'll get 10,000 bucks from it, it'd be worth it imo.
But I agree with the other commenters, threaten him first
Thanks!, It's not so much me worrying about if he'll stay, just hoping he'll have reconditioned his thinking to not do his workarounds to please me, because they don't please me anymore, I've been done running from my problems for a long time lol
Thank you. I feel the need to defend myself so badly, just to scream and be like I have killed myself for this guy and he’s telling you I’m insane and I’m not, but I know how bad he is. And I know how awful he is. And I guess I can take peace in the fact that tonight she went home with him drunk and I didn’t.
Also apparently the coworker is married?? Like why would you encourage her to engage in someone else's affair when you're already suffering and she hadn't done more than confess feelings for the guy?
Because I know my brain isn’t fully developed and not all of my feelings make sense. I don’t think that makes me immature
Yet, it does. I mean, what do you think DOES make a person mature? If it is not age, experience, or insight, then what? Height?
You are young and by all accounts immature. It's not an insult, it's a fact. You've only been on the planet two decades and one of those you were pre-pubescent.
Maybe you are mature for your age; that does not make you a solid partner for a 30 year old who presumably has had time and opportunity to graduate college, live! on his own for years, grow a career….NONE of which you've done yourself. And you should!
You can pick off some of the above with excuses or whatever (he's working on it! College is naked in my country! Pick your whatever!) but the fact remains you are in very different points in your life.
There is also a possible C. That Ex's moving on to marriage has triggered a complete re-assessment of her life for GF- including her relationship with OP (sort of the B option on steroids).
He is the sort of person who takes the piss and pranks people because he thinks its funny, so that probably is part of it. This is definitely different to how he was before though and he doesn't act the same way with anyone else. Other people have also noticed that the way he treats me has changed and has got worse recently but he denied it when I asked him why he was doing it.
What irony – her messaging you demanding that YOU respect HER right to consent. Lol
Funny how that works isn’t it? She was afraid he was as bad as she is. If she’s throwing pictures of men on these kinds of forums after meeting them once and having a great date, then maybe she should come with a warning label.
Yep tell her, but do it with proof and do it safely so that in case she decides to displace that rage, you don't end up in the warpath. Some women can't handle the truth about their men, so they destroy the competition. Message from an anonymous account but with receipts. Make sure to black out any identifying info for you. Tell her the info is obviously hers to do with as she pleases, you've cut him off and blocked him everywhere, and you'd want to know if you were her.
Fuck him. You deserve better. Put your energy into that beautiful little girl and get him out of your life. What he did was unforgivable. If you want to hang around and find out after another year that's your call, but he is a disgusting excuse for a man and as soon as he knows he has you again, that behavior will start all over again. A tiger doesn't change its stripes.
He's never been all in and you deserve someone who is all in. What he is right now is scared of being alone and having to pay the bills. It's fear, not love.
Please tell me you don't live! with him.
You don't need to do anything. If they meet up and he hits on her one of two things will happen. She will leave, or she will reciprocate. If she chooses him she was always gonna choose and just waste a bunch of your time in the process. There is really know way to put demands on this meet up. You either trust her or you don't. Me personally, I would not trust her. This guy is the “one that got away”. She should not even be entertaining the idea of a meet up if she is devoted to you. My advice, take the hands off approach on this one.
This ⬆️⬆️⬆️ is exactly what I was thinking.
And you have voiced your concerns.
You don't get to make her decisions for her.
I hope his wife divorces him and finds real love. And that he realizes all too late what he threw away and has to live! the rest of his life with that knowledge.
Freezing is a very common response to an unexpected assault. Yes, couples can explore sexuality but not without consent. This is not doing the advocacy work that you seem to think it is. You do not get to rank-order the severity of an assault that did not happen to you.
I would sincerely recommend you question your own biases and internalized misogyny. Women can victimize men. Not all sexual assault looks the same and this rhetoric does significant harm to victims and perpetuates shame.
No one in 30 years has ever been bothered by it with me, not a single person. I’ve never passed it on, to my knowledge obvs, even when we’ve decided not to use condoms.
Your better off, if he cannot stick around because of a little family looking out for you he was either not in the relationship with good intentions or weak. Be glad you dodged that one.
I didn’t think I could have children… the baby was honestly a miracle..
Tbh the reason it's not going smooth seems to be because you are not communicating in any way shape or form about the issues you have within the relationship and instead are letting them silently float. “I don't care for it” is not direct and thorough enough as it doesn't necessarily state that you dislike it heavily and he might see it as “my partners neutral on it but does it for me”.
Just be direct, if you don't like something, tell your partner thoroughly and as soon as possible in a mature and effective way. Do not let things linger in the back of your mind, communicate.
Communication is key to any relationship, it floats or sinks this way. If you are at all atleast remotely serious about this relationship, you would actively need to communicate.
Otherwise you are setting yourself up for failure, especially as the relationship progresses and your problems become long-term.
So true
She does have self-awareness about her behavior. She needs clear boundaries of what is acceptable behavior. If she cannot respect you, she is not a friend.
I dated a verbally abusive dude for a couple years who behaved like this exactly. He had severe childhood trauma, and had night terrors every night about sexual abuse he suffered as a child. He would wake up scared or angry almost every single day and took it out on me. He said the exact same things as OP mentions here, like calling me an idiot and a child for not being able to take the dog out sooner or oversleeping.
Sure, but if you’re having disagreements and communication problems in the beginning of a relationship it’s not worth sticking around.
The answer is yes, within reason.
But if the ask itself is reasonable (e.g., committing to you, taking initiative, being kind, and so forth), then if a man wanted to, he absolutely would do so, often with zero prompting.
No man is a mind reader but most men have a basic idea of what a normal person wants/would enjoy in a relationship/dating scenario.