Then just break up with her. You didn't post this looking for genuine advice you posted looking for an echo chamber. And before you say anything against that you've argued against all advice and opinions given to you suggesting you might be the issue here. If you refuse to think this can be moved past then stop the drama and break up with her. It's literally that simple. End the relationship.
repeating other advice here, but he needs to read up and know about what causes the pain – bumping into your cervix and too much friction. men are used to seeing porn and they have no idea about reality.
It's totally fine to tell him that his early morning arrivals are interrupting your sleep, and on that basis you two need to have a come to Jesus. He doesn't wake you up, he sleeps on the couch, and so on. I would find it odd that a live-in partner wouldn't check in and tell me where they are going? That being said, your anxiety about something happening is not his to ameliorate, but yours. He needs to be a good partner and not wake you up, and give you an outline about what he's up to, this is basic. And, at the same time, you have to learn to live! with the anxitey of the unknown on some level? All your worry will not keep him safe or faithful.
Dude that’s not a compromise. That’s you still moving back somewhere she’s made clear she doesn’t want to live!.
Why do you want to make her do something she clearly doesn’t want to do? If you want different lives then you need to break up. This is a fundamental incompatibility. There are women in TX who’d be happy to stay there with you.
And again, this is something you should have discussed with her before proposing. Did you assume giving her a ring would put pressure on her to go along with your wishes?
Send her the statements, with a note saying “see? I wasn't lying. Never contact me again” and be done with her for good. This level of controlling only gets worse.
Unfortunately that's not how it works. The discovery of an affair, even just an emotional or attempted one, is what initiates the harm. Even if the actual event happened or concluded years ago.
My sister in law is a marriage therapist and took a bunch of courses on surviving infidelity. She said this is one of the hardest situations. Oftentimes the cheater has spent the intervening years trying to make up for the mistake and sometimes even feels like they have been a better partner because of it. Meanwhile their partner is only just now experiencing the betrayal and directing the anger and hate towards them as if it just happened.
Your parents are generous enough to let you live! with them for free, and to pay for your birthday party. Not causing drama in the household by being petty about your birthday party is really the least you can do.
If it is only once, there is a low chance of permanent harm. Weed is pretty safe compared to a lot of thinks. If you are still concerned, look up neuroplasticity. If he is somehow brain damaged by this, he will have an easier time recovering as a child compared to an adult.
In no way should she be burdening you this. I imagine she’s never held him accountable in his whole life for his actions having consequences and isn’t going to start now.
I hate that this is even a thing. Don’t go back to him. He needs therapy and accountability.
when im in a relationship i just seen them as the most beautiful person. Idk how else to explain it. Im sorry y’all view that as such a terrible thing. But I’m not the only one who thinks like this… you can have your way of thinking but don’t try and diss on mine.
It's your girlfriend man. You're supposed to be able to talk about stuff like that. As long as you don't sound judgmental or salty about it, you should be fine. Just assure her that you're just wondering about it.
Theres so much be can be doing if he is bored. Art..crafts museums sports games to watch..ect
Go get tested for stds.
If you want a open relationship of seeing others both you and him then tell him You get to see other men whats good for the goose is good for the gander .
If you want a closed relationship then leave him.
When ones cheat they never stop they just get better at hiding. Your dude will not stop he enjoys the hunt to much…
And pregnancy does happen so be prepared for finding out he has kids. And if you stay with him it could happen.
One op had five he did not know about untill his wife was preg with thier second.
Break it off and after you heal find another guy that has eyes for you!!
lities when she does to ensure your help is actually what she needs. It’s also not clear that you offer her ways to be helpful via you showing your vulnerability and her listening and responding to your needs. It’s through both people being vulnerable and both people validating and helping with those vulnerabilities that feelings grow and sustain themselves. With out that, you can try all you want, a
firstly, she admitted that she liked that I was the one arranging everything. And talking about vulnerability, she told stuff that even her parents don't know, same thing with me, we were both 100% open to each other and both were active listeners & supporters. That thing confuses me the most, because we opened up and supported each other, and still something went wrong
Stop letting her do this. Since you keep letting it slide, she thinks it's okay. You are being a doormat. She is trying to hookup with other guys. You have to set a boundary and be willing to break up if she doesn't stop the behavior.
I'd just like to say that it's fine that he doesn't want the polyamory he was always gonna be my husband and if he said no I was always going to respect that
It really doesn't matter. You told him that because life has been difficult, maybe you guys should start sleeping with other people. That probably ruined any confidence he had in himself and any security in the relationship. You pretty much just said you'll settle for him, but really you'd have liked to sleep with other people.
If you two have always been in a monogamous relationship, then why in the world would you suddenly think this was a good idea?
It really doesn't appear as if you ever stopped and thought about how even merely suggesting this would make him feel and now you are holding words (that were cruel but almost understandable given the situation) he said out of hurt and betrayal against him and wondering how you will ever forgive him, how will you ever feel comfortable again and giving zero thought on how you can ever make him feel comfortable again or earn his forgiveness.
These are some of, probably not all, the reasons that no women his own age will date him and he preys on girls young enough to be his daughter. He is a disgusting waste of oxygen and you should get as far away from him as you can as fast as you can. You can do better, EASILY, he has set the bar so low it's underground.
But only in the last year or two the government started to give donations/ free vaccines and years before that I don't think even the doctors really talked about it.
I don’t think it’d be this tbh, obviously not impossible but unlikely given if the bf was cheating and getting golden showers you’d have to assume he’d be careful to clean himself and get rid of the smell.
Honestly, if I dump him in like 4 months when this is off his head and ive been loyal, will we at least part ways with him having a better image of me? I just hate to think that his final thought will be that i cheated on him
Well you did lie to him for a year, also didnt have sex for a year under premise that you are a virgin and waiting only to actually have hooked up plenty of times.
So outside of him fucking a young 17 year old, what do you have in common? What does someone 21/22 have in common with a high schooler? is the relationship right for you? only you know
Agreed! I certainly wouldn't marry him. Is it possibly a mental health issue? Maybe, but you wouldn't know because he would go to therapy . You can't force him him so there's nothing you can do other than a leave or give him a ultimatum.
Very true! I think at the end of the day I know it bothers me as I wouldn’t have posted in here and I have to set my boundary.
Tomorrow I’ll approach the topic in a non-accusatory way and ask him what his views on liking are etc. If we can come to some agreement – brilliant! If not, I think it’s understandable we may not be compatible. I think I have to respect my own boundaries at the end of the day ❤️
Set up the mood then when he's nude and bothered then ask for oral. Or break up and get with someone who's more compatible sexually with you. But don't cheat on him cuz that's fucked up
“I don't want to be a place holder I am in love with you, want kids, the whole 9 yards, I think it's best we break up immediately I'm going to block you for a while to get over my feelings don't reach out if I believe I can see you platonically as a friend one day I will reach out. Thanks for the memories but I have to do this for me.
he really is such a nice guy, hasn't really ever done anything mean at all and tries so nude to do his best. something thats also making me wanna stay is that i will be moving to another country in a month or so and we planned on living together over there, and i wouldn't want to disappoint him or something like that if i decide to break up since he told his parents and planned being together in this new chapter of my life
But you are jealous. If he is being respectful to her it's none of your business. She knows he has a girlfriend right? If you're SO concerned arrange a couple's dinner or lunch thing and invite Frank and his girlfriend as well to make people comfortable and aware.
Fair enough, but he will only marry you because you would leave otherwise not because he is truly happy and excited. And he likely doesn’t want to have more kids, despite saying it to keep you, so you’ll have to issue another ultimatum then. Don’t you want a partner who is truly excited and happy to start this next chapter with you? I am 100% certain that hanging on to him is a big mistake and by marrying him/giving away your 20s you make it somewhat irreversible. Don’t double down but change paths while you can.
If he would have reacted calmer, I might not have become a bit worried as well. Mainly because it seems he is scared himself or scared himself so much into not being able to swim. deal of it himself by saying he feels ashamed, got angry, says he feels scared to death/freaks out when he gets water in his face etc. He does have a tendency to react very intensely to things, and that can be intense for me too then if you get what I mean.
If he would have reacted calmer, I might not have become a bit worried as well. Mainly because it seems he is scared himself or scared himself so much into not being able to swim.
He did indicate he wanted to learn but always found excuses not too. I could easily teach him how to swim, IF he is open to that. But I guess my worry is how to help him best mentally to prepare for that since I can understand being afraid, but since I am not afraid myself of this particular situation I hope he can trust me enough to help or to talk to someone if it seeems to be more phobia and afraid of swimming itself.
He wants to learn to swim, but I guess then he needs to accept help. I disagree with his POV that this is 'a huge shame', but I get him as well. I do not find it shameful. It's also good for safety that he did tell me since we will be on water and boats a lot this summer.
Your post was helpful 🙂 I also think I needed to write my concern down to process what happened since it came out of nowhere yesterday. And very, very intense all of a sudden.
You need to wake up and do everything through a lawyer, stop being nice. Geez… he wants full custody and you may lose her. Gloves are off…
Then just break up with her. You didn't post this looking for genuine advice you posted looking for an echo chamber. And before you say anything against that you've argued against all advice and opinions given to you suggesting you might be the issue here. If you refuse to think this can be moved past then stop the drama and break up with her. It's literally that simple. End the relationship.
Fake offering to be friends is not being civil.
repeating other advice here, but he needs to read up and know about what causes the pain – bumping into your cervix and too much friction. men are used to seeing porn and they have no idea about reality.
This sounds like a troll post….
It's totally fine to tell him that his early morning arrivals are interrupting your sleep, and on that basis you two need to have a come to Jesus. He doesn't wake you up, he sleeps on the couch, and so on. I would find it odd that a live-in partner wouldn't check in and tell me where they are going? That being said, your anxiety about something happening is not his to ameliorate, but yours. He needs to be a good partner and not wake you up, and give you an outline about what he's up to, this is basic. And, at the same time, you have to learn to live! with the anxitey of the unknown on some level? All your worry will not keep him safe or faithful.
We do Mac and cheese every year a 'la home alone style!
I think you should, but make it clear you are fine with it. Maybe he didn't tell you because he is embarrassed about it?
You cant gatekeep someone’s interest in the place they live!. You two were incompatible to begin with and im happy you split up.
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Man, this is heartbreaking.
Dude that’s not a compromise. That’s you still moving back somewhere she’s made clear she doesn’t want to live!.
Why do you want to make her do something she clearly doesn’t want to do? If you want different lives then you need to break up. This is a fundamental incompatibility. There are women in TX who’d be happy to stay there with you.
And again, this is something you should have discussed with her before proposing. Did you assume giving her a ring would put pressure on her to go along with your wishes?
Your math doesn't add up. You started dating when he finished High school, hows that work?
Send her the statements, with a note saying “see? I wasn't lying. Never contact me again” and be done with her for good. This level of controlling only gets worse.
As a 6' woman that can relate to wanting to feel small. Say nothing. I'm sure she won't ask. She'll just be turned on.
Unfortunately that's not how it works. The discovery of an affair, even just an emotional or attempted one, is what initiates the harm. Even if the actual event happened or concluded years ago.
My sister in law is a marriage therapist and took a bunch of courses on surviving infidelity. She said this is one of the hardest situations. Oftentimes the cheater has spent the intervening years trying to make up for the mistake and sometimes even feels like they have been a better partner because of it. Meanwhile their partner is only just now experiencing the betrayal and directing the anger and hate towards them as if it just happened.
Get away from her
Your parents are generous enough to let you live! with them for free, and to pay for your birthday party. Not causing drama in the household by being petty about your birthday party is really the least you can do.
If it is only once, there is a low chance of permanent harm. Weed is pretty safe compared to a lot of thinks. If you are still concerned, look up neuroplasticity. If he is somehow brain damaged by this, he will have an easier time recovering as a child compared to an adult.
His mothers behaviour is abhorrent.
In no way should she be burdening you this. I imagine she’s never held him accountable in his whole life for his actions having consequences and isn’t going to start now.
I hate that this is even a thing. Don’t go back to him. He needs therapy and accountability.
when im in a relationship i just seen them as the most beautiful person. Idk how else to explain it. Im sorry y’all view that as such a terrible thing. But I’m not the only one who thinks like this… you can have your way of thinking but don’t try and diss on mine.
It's your girlfriend man. You're supposed to be able to talk about stuff like that. As long as you don't sound judgmental or salty about it, you should be fine. Just assure her that you're just wondering about it.
No its not normal.
Theres so much be can be doing if he is bored. Art..crafts museums sports games to watch..ect
Go get tested for stds.
If you want a open relationship of seeing others both you and him then tell him You get to see other men whats good for the goose is good for the gander .
If you want a closed relationship then leave him.
When ones cheat they never stop they just get better at hiding. Your dude will not stop he enjoys the hunt to much…
And pregnancy does happen so be prepared for finding out he has kids. And if you stay with him it could happen.
One op had five he did not know about untill his wife was preg with thier second.
Break it off and after you heal find another guy that has eyes for you!!
It looks like their platonic relationship has aspects of intimacy involved in it.
Totally up to you if you can accept that in a partner or not. I certainly couldn't.
Things that seem fine:
Holding hands – maybe. Like, I could see it as a silly funny thing.
Things that seem off:
Her touching her face – Like… again… possible to be platonic but that's an intimate thing.
Things that seem very off:
Hugging from behind or around the neck
That's how I would rank these things. There are definitely some “crossed wires” that are happening. Some people can accept that. Others cannot.
lities when she does to ensure your help is actually what she needs. It’s also not clear that you offer her ways to be helpful via you showing your vulnerability and her listening and responding to your needs. It’s through both people being vulnerable and both people validating and helping with those vulnerabilities that feelings grow and sustain themselves. With out that, you can try all you want, a
firstly, she admitted that she liked that I was the one arranging everything. And talking about vulnerability, she told stuff that even her parents don't know, same thing with me, we were both 100% open to each other and both were active listeners & supporters. That thing confuses me the most, because we opened up and supported each other, and still something went wrong
Yup
Guys like this need a woman to make them a pot of grits, Madea style.
Stop letting her do this. Since you keep letting it slide, she thinks it's okay. You are being a doormat. She is trying to hookup with other guys. You have to set a boundary and be willing to break up if she doesn't stop the behavior.
Moving away how far a drive?
I'd just like to say that it's fine that he doesn't want the polyamory he was always gonna be my husband and if he said no I was always going to respect that
It really doesn't matter. You told him that because life has been difficult, maybe you guys should start sleeping with other people. That probably ruined any confidence he had in himself and any security in the relationship. You pretty much just said you'll settle for him, but really you'd have liked to sleep with other people.
If you two have always been in a monogamous relationship, then why in the world would you suddenly think this was a good idea?
It really doesn't appear as if you ever stopped and thought about how even merely suggesting this would make him feel and now you are holding words (that were cruel but almost understandable given the situation) he said out of hurt and betrayal against him and wondering how you will ever forgive him, how will you ever feel comfortable again and giving zero thought on how you can ever make him feel comfortable again or earn his forgiveness.
You are the one that screwed up here, not him.
Just be honest with him. It's gross. I'm turned off and he's not even my man lol
These are some of, probably not all, the reasons that no women his own age will date him and he preys on girls young enough to be his daughter. He is a disgusting waste of oxygen and you should get as far away from him as you can as fast as you can. You can do better, EASILY, he has set the bar so low it's underground.
She probably should have.
But only in the last year or two the government started to give donations/ free vaccines and years before that I don't think even the doctors really talked about it.
I don’t think it’d be this tbh, obviously not impossible but unlikely given if the bf was cheating and getting golden showers you’d have to assume he’d be careful to clean himself and get rid of the smell.
Honestly, if I dump him in like 4 months when this is off his head and ive been loyal, will we at least part ways with him having a better image of me? I just hate to think that his final thought will be that i cheated on him
A person who truly loved you would be happy for you, would help you make plans, and would work on their jealousy issues while you're gone.
Do not blow up your future for a high school boyfriend. Go to the college that's best for your career. If it's meant to be he'll still be there.
And one that has been disrespectful to OP and their relationship before breaking up on top of it.
Yeah this girl sounds awful and immature but so does the boyfriend.
Go watch Chasing Amy. Then see how you feel.
this cannot possibly be real. YOu've been dating this guy 2 months and your son already calls him Dad? OP.
This is pretty simple. He's making you get sick. You have a medical condition. Sue.
Did he do it sexually or friendly?
Well you did lie to him for a year, also didnt have sex for a year under premise that you are a virgin and waiting only to actually have hooked up plenty of times.
So outside of him fucking a young 17 year old, what do you have in common? What does someone 21/22 have in common with a high schooler? is the relationship right for you? only you know
Agreed! I certainly wouldn't marry him. Is it possibly a mental health issue? Maybe, but you wouldn't know because he would go to therapy . You can't force him him so there's nothing you can do other than a leave or give him a ultimatum.
Very true! I think at the end of the day I know it bothers me as I wouldn’t have posted in here and I have to set my boundary.
Tomorrow I’ll approach the topic in a non-accusatory way and ask him what his views on liking are etc. If we can come to some agreement – brilliant! If not, I think it’s understandable we may not be compatible. I think I have to respect my own boundaries at the end of the day ❤️
Set up the mood then when he's nude and bothered then ask for oral. Or break up and get with someone who's more compatible sexually with you. But don't cheat on him cuz that's fucked up
You have a lack of understanding of Islam if you think that’s forbidden. In Islam a man can marry a non Muslim.
Now would I go to a bar? No because that’s an environment where the intent is to drink.
I would not go to a place that celebrated premarital sex or any thing that is harem.
Going to his wedding could be considered celebrating a same sex union, which I refuse to do.
We all have sinned and so have I. The difference is we shouldn’t celebrate that sin.
“I don't want to be a place holder I am in love with you, want kids, the whole 9 yards, I think it's best we break up immediately I'm going to block you for a while to get over my feelings don't reach out if I believe I can see you platonically as a friend one day I will reach out. Thanks for the memories but I have to do this for me.
he really is such a nice guy, hasn't really ever done anything mean at all and tries so nude to do his best. something thats also making me wanna stay is that i will be moving to another country in a month or so and we planned on living together over there, and i wouldn't want to disappoint him or something like that if i decide to break up since he told his parents and planned being together in this new chapter of my life
But you are jealous. If he is being respectful to her it's none of your business. She knows he has a girlfriend right? If you're SO concerned arrange a couple's dinner or lunch thing and invite Frank and his girlfriend as well to make people comfortable and aware.
And OP better get an STD test
Fair enough, but he will only marry you because you would leave otherwise not because he is truly happy and excited. And he likely doesn’t want to have more kids, despite saying it to keep you, so you’ll have to issue another ultimatum then. Don’t you want a partner who is truly excited and happy to start this next chapter with you? I am 100% certain that hanging on to him is a big mistake and by marrying him/giving away your 20s you make it somewhat irreversible. Don’t double down but change paths while you can.
If he would have reacted calmer, I might not have become a bit worried as well. Mainly because it seems he is scared himself or scared himself so much into not being able to swim. deal of it himself by saying he feels ashamed, got angry, says he feels scared to death/freaks out when he gets water in his face etc. He does have a tendency to react very intensely to things, and that can be intense for me too then if you get what I mean.
If he would have reacted calmer, I might not have become a bit worried as well. Mainly because it seems he is scared himself or scared himself so much into not being able to swim.
He did indicate he wanted to learn but always found excuses not too. I could easily teach him how to swim, IF he is open to that. But I guess my worry is how to help him best mentally to prepare for that since I can understand being afraid, but since I am not afraid myself of this particular situation I hope he can trust me enough to help or to talk to someone if it seeems to be more phobia and afraid of swimming itself.
He wants to learn to swim, but I guess then he needs to accept help. I disagree with his POV that this is 'a huge shame', but I get him as well. I do not find it shameful. It's also good for safety that he did tell me since we will be on water and boats a lot this summer.
Your post was helpful 🙂 I also think I needed to write my concern down to process what happened since it came out of nowhere yesterday. And very, very intense all of a sudden.
Wish you a good day!