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Model from: it
Languages: it,en
Birth Date: 1979-01-11
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You got a vasectomy so you obviously don’t want a child? Why don’t you just let her deal with it as she sees fit?
Nope. Not all of them.
Ultimately if you don’t want to go, don’t. But there is something you should consider.
A very large majority of events held by adults are drinking events. I don’t like it either, but that’s how it is. Alcohol is very ingrained in our society. Maybe you just want to wait until you’ve been sober for longer to go to such events, but the problem will remain. Eventually you are going to have to come to terms with the fact that you’re gonna be going to a lot of events with people drinking. And you are either gonna have to be able to on-line with that, or not go to any event anymore.
Also ask your SIL if there are any non-alcoholic beverages. Maybe specifically ones you want. If shes any kind of family material, she’ll arrange it for you.
It’s time for you to get well acquainted with your hands
The axe forgets, but the tree remembers. Has anyone ever betrayed you like that? Is your soul lighter than a feather?
He… needs to work.
If he does not pursue anything, he is not providing you with a sense of security. And that is wrong for a life-long commitment. He would be a risk to you, and you would be gambling your future. It opens a lot of doors for frustrations and negative results.
Lets say you two decide to have children. Then what? Typically the mother takes a longer term off than the father. That is the only stable income in the household, gone. Can his savings cover you two? Maybe… but it will burn a hole in it fast.
Another note, you will be contributing to your retirement. He will be spending his retirement.
What if 5, 10 years from now… his account is looking thin. Then what? It becomes all on you to support. I guarantee that you will be enraged with resentment, you will hate the sight of him for putting you in this position.
I'm sorry… but like, what the fuck is he going to with his time at the age of 30?
I am 30 myself. Sure a month off of work is nice.. but my god, I lose my mind if I don't have anything to do. People need responsibilities to feel like their life has meaning.
He is completely checked out of his future. This is all you get. I don't know what kind of money he has, is it in the millions? Maybe he is argument is valid. I don't know.
I just can't wrap my head around this besides pure laziness and giving up.
Does your reletionship maybe have areas of laziness on his part?
Unless he's got millions, I couldn't respect it or him.
Do each of you think your opposite party is the best you can do? Because there's been a lot of turmoil in this relationship and you should both move on. When someone tells me they've broken up and made up a large number of times, I figure they are too immature to negotiate relationships constructively.
My advice is to break up and don't go back. Maybe you'll take this advice 5 years from now, but I bet you wont' now. My further advice would be to work on yourself so you feel confident and patient and all around mature. None of this “heartbroken” world view – if a mature person has a breakup, sure, it hurts, but they know they'll survive. That's where you need to get to, and it won't happen with her in the picture.
I'm sorry I was really harsh, I wanted you to see the bare truth which is confronting. I know you're doing your best to juggle this and you are doing a good job and making important strides in your life, of course none of this is your fault.
In a funny way, this is a pivotal opportunity for you. You need to figure out how to take more control back in your life, instead of letting the family take precedence and seeking parental approval. It's time to put your well-being, safety and future above anyone else's feelings and look after your future.
On your sister it isn't necessarily about punishing her (whilst she deserves it). This is about you standing up for yourself and treating yourself with dignity, love and respect and finding the inner courage to do all of this.
An example, you say, “I am trying to make amends with everybody.” The question to ask yourself is “Why me?” Why aren't they jumping at the opportunity to fix this? Did you do something horrendous to them? By doing this, you're basically signalling to your sister “hey, when you assault me or cross a line, at the end of the day I will come chasing you to try and fix things. Oh and mom and dad, when you failed to stand up for me when I needed you most, I will try and fix things.”
This isn't what a healthy family relationship looks like. The result is you don't get the respect you deserve. Get independent as fast as you can, focus on your career, make money and then YOU write up the terms of the relationship that works for YOU. You cannot ever chase your family for their love and affection, healthy relationships are mutual.
It's totally normal to have every kind of parent, I happen to have similar to yours but for very different reasons. They completely changed once they realised I didn't need them and oddly enough we have a fantastic relationship now that I'm older. They struggled at first because I had to show them if they crossed a boundary I could drop them immediately with no issue to me. Basically force taught my parents what respecting a son looks like and now I'd say the love and respect has evolved to unconditional and mutual, as it should have always been with parent and child.
Having read all your edit notes to #5 I can only say this:
A kiss is just a kiss, it is a big deal she is in a relationship and kissed 1 or 2 guys but… seeing as she has gone stone clod sober it is evident she no longer trusts herself to get to far gone. It all comes down to her being manipulated by her friend on the basis that her friend feels you will dump her.
You have to ask yourself if you can get past this whether she comes clean and then make your decision.
Oh and absolutely “Honey, I was reading a reddit post where a girl cheated on her partner and was asking if she should tell him. You would you tell me if you cheated on me wouldn't you?”.
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I’ve been in a relationship for over 10 years. We almost never ever post about us/each other on-line, because “us” is something we keep just for ourselves. Not a red flag at all.
Yeah, the way you're phrasing, 'one-sided open relationship' is correct, and sounds worse, than the concept explained the long way. Glad you're over your problem, and thanks for sharing this. I will suggest her going to therapy (together) and maybe stopping taking birth control.
I think your husband is just doing a bunch of crazy stuff trying to confuse you when the reality is he did something VERY SHADY AND DISGUSTING and you are calling him on it.
suggest ignoring all of his reactions and talk of the dark web and anything related and focus on – he sent private pictures of YOUR SISTER to his phone.
Is that what you want your life to be? If no, leave him out of your home and make the separation permanent and official.
How well do you actually know each other? Do you talk about things other than how much you miss each other and like each other?
Even if you do ask her directly on a date that's better than being ambiguous with your intent. You've been giving mixed signals this whole time, so you need to be decisively romantic. You could offer to cook her dinner & get a decent bottle of wine for the occassion. I do this to impress dates without spending money or being seem with them in public, but getting close to her should be your main objective. Go for drinks at a local bar or do something fun that isn't a walk somewhere. Literally anything but what you've been doing this whole time.
Fights in a relationship are normal. Being abused and groomed isn't.
You are the affair partner. He is married and has kids, and you are the side woman.
Why would his wife want her kids to meet his affair baby? “Oh, daddy is a cheater so now you have a half-sibling.”
when he’s with her he doesn’t message me or tell me he loves me like usual
Do you seriously want him to message you while he is with his wife at his kids' school events? He is next to her.
When I get anxious he says I’m unreasonable and trying to stop him seeing his kids but I have suggested multiple times that the fear is in his past lying and in that when you’re separated you do things separately- as I fear it’s also confusing for their children if they do dinners together etc.
Yes, he is a liar. He is not divorced and it sounds like he is still playing house with his wife and kids.
That said, even divorced parents have family dinners with their kids!!! You ARE unreasonable that he cannot have dinner with his kids and his wife. He was at the house. What's he going to do? Say no to his own kids?
But he states we are in a monogamous relationship
So he told you that you are just a side-piece or a “friends with benefits” or “hook up” situation.
It seems you are just imagining things. You think this man had an ex-wife and he was your boyfriend. That's not at all the case. This man is married with kids. He keeps a separate apartment that his wife even takes clean towels for him (he cannot do it???), maybe because this apartment is closer to his job than the family home. You are an affair partner he keeps around.
Of course you shouldn't trust him. Why are you being so nude on yourself for not trusting him?
Lady, go get an abortion and a therapist. You are driving yourself mad here.
She sounds very American (I’m American)
Don’t take this personally… you’re an idiot. You are 24 years old and still going to parties where people. Are dropping acid and getting black out drunk? I do not feel one bit sorry for you. You should give him a mulligan on this and move on get gain some maturity. Wake up to how you contributed to this.
I’m sorry you went through this! Thank you for all the advice. This is great.
You tell her and the. You discuss options for children in other ways. I’m sure you both will need some time to mourn for the reality you won’t have biological kids together. But im sure, if your wife wants you for more than your genetic code, you’ll be fine and can work towards that family with alternative methods.
Bring up sperm donation, adoption, fostering, surrogacy? All of it. You’ve got this. I’m sorry for your situation. But you can still have the family.
The messages are minimal over the past few years. Just happy birthday etc. but the months after she left it was more about him feeling bad and she was shutting him down. That died off quickly.
My guess is the grass wasn't greener on the other side for her so she's looking to come back.
She’ll probably be able to get another job, but it may not be the same type of position she’s in and if she’s hoping to climb the ranks into a more prestigious role (not sure if she works in a hospital or runs her own practice) being a SAHM will massively derail that. She would also have to keep up with her licensing and depending on how long her absense from medicine is, she may have to undergo a more complicated re-entry process. It sounds like she has a meaningful career and ambitions, and most women who go through years of medical school/interning/etc just aren’t interested in staying at home for years—and why would they be? Medicine is a field where it’s extremely easy to feel “left behind” and it’s difficult to pick up where you left off.
I don’t have any needs of mine that he isn’t meeting or any issues with him. I guess I should try and validate him more?
Girl, dump him and get out of there! You don't need that in your life!!
We're the same age so I hope you listen a lil better when it comes from another 18 year old. Meet the new people, have the new experiences. I know what it's like to still love an ex but don't go back to her. I'm totally assuming here when I say it sounds like she lacks commitment (from one of the sentences in your short post). Move on, it'll most likely be better for you in the long run
Seems like a one way street. I'm gonna have to say no.
I mean other OTHER best case scenario… have we considered he might have been saving a ton of pictures to make some sort of cute / funny homemade collage blanket or something ? Lmao. I know, seems like a stretch, but seriously what if it was something like that….
I don’t think you understand that part of therapy as a job is to provide therapy in a space where we can do the work. Same way that doctors don’t see patients with their entire family because it allows them to do their job. Having extra people in the space changes it. Therapy is deeply personal, requires focus and privacy.
There’s exceptions that I make for parents with kids. But not grown adults. I also did therapy during the pandemic and magically even with everyone on lockdown I never had this issue. And yes it’s a rule we follow and we have ethical guidelines on this as well
Nah, this relationship is over. End it now and move on.
Leave her. She wants her cake and eat it too. Sounds like she wants to go out and screw people but at the same time wants you to pursue her again in hopes you can date her. Just look at her and tell her to have fun and you're not chasing her. I had a buddy that his gf broke up with him. She would tell him that he had a chance to get her back. He just had to show he was getting his shit together. Like job, place of his own, etc. Well he got a job, started working on saving up but he said he did it for himself not her. Anyways after a few months she got more and more distant. Come to find out as soon as they broke up she fucked one of his friends the fucked another friend a few weeks later. Then she moved to a different state to on-line with a 3rd friend of his. So he was hurt a lot but realized she was a piece of garbage.
If you go through his comments and posts he consistently talks about a children/partner, sooo I’d say he’s actually just a massive hypocritical a-hole.
Ok noon. I really hope he does respond
He's not marrying you. Not now. Not ever. He's not going to go against his family. When you finally break up with him ill give it a year or 2 max before he's married off to someone from his culture that his family approves of. It's a tale as old as time.
If you truly love your wife, you will drop this and bot bring it up…this your fantasy, not hers, stop treating her like a pawn in your fantasies.