Or it may be the straw that broke the camels back kind of thing.
I also know depression and trauma this past year has been one long nightmare. But I’m getting professional help which isn’t mentioned by OP.
But you have to, on some level, be aware of how draining that is on people who live with you. To be completely dependent on someone for close to 3 years?
Caregiver burnout is a very real thing. When someone is burnt out and they hit their limit, there’s usually nothing left to do. There’s certainly no quick fix.
Honestly…I would give him an early present. Say you’ve been going back and forth watching him struggle and you’ve decided to surprise him early. There’s really only 2 outcomes otherwise: 1. You wait until Christmas and he pulls this off, so he already has the game and the surprise sucks. 2. You wait until Christmas and he didn’t pull it off. He knows you’ve seen him struggle for a month and he’s posed at you.
Give him the gift now. Say you’ll find him something small so he has something to open, but you couldn’t handle struggling so nude to have a chance to play it.
Don't read too much into this. Many parents have little to no interest in getting to know their children's partners much at all until marriage is on the cards.
These things are all annoyances but pile them all together all the time and they become issues.
1stly, your anxiety needs to be controlled, because if it isnt, there will be a new reason every week that causes your anxiety. Today its a knife, tomorrow a cup, the next day a sock. It's not a healthy way for either of you to live.
There has to be give and take, your anxiety can not dictate this relationship because believe me he will be gone.
Therapy may be able to give you better ways of dealing with these things when the come up.
safety does not have to mean free from physical abuse, but comfort and ability to relax… As a HUGE introvert, ANYTIME there is someone in my house, I feel like I have to be “on” – I can't just curl up on my phone with a coffee and be quiet, because that could be rude… If you added a linguistic barrier to that, I stand by my statement.
dating at work can be… dangerous. First, be prepared to have to leave the job if things go south.
Second, I think a lot of people associate the “forced” closeness of work environments with intimacy and then think “oh, we're great together we should date” and it's kind of a false vision.
But, you're young and you've got to learn and experience these things on your own, so here are my 2 suggestions.
1- ask her if she wants to go get coffee or some other non-threatening date idea, like going to a book store together or some such.
2- talk about favorite childhood movies, and no matter what she says and if you've seen it, claim you haven't. If she's even remotely into you, she'll be over your place that night with plans to watch it. And if she's really into you, you won't get very far into that movie… I must have watched Labyrinth “for the first time” about 10 times during college. Never once made it to the end.
Press charges for assault. She can be a drain on the prison system instead of just you. She's useless and abusive. She doesn't deserve the respect to even bother trying to fix this. And remember her physical abuse will escalate. You'll find a knife coming at you before you know it
Thank for your words. I agree with #1, 2, & 3 whole heartedly. It is top of mind.
4 I don’t really agree with. I would consider myself friends with my tenants. And the bartender. While her behavior is inappropriate, I’m a super nice guy and people are aware her behavior is not reflective of mine. Secondly, I think it’s important to understand where people come from. Jamaica is an under developed country, it is quite literally one of the slowest growing economies in the world. There are vast cultural differences when trying to compare a country like that to a first world country like the United States. The education system, political system, and more are years behind us. Which, if you consider America’s history, we weren’t so much difference some time ago. We just have more resources, better infrastructure, both of which I think enables progression in understanding things that a long time ago seemed strange. Like homosexuality. The important part is to recognize the cultural difference, understand it is wrong, and work to “catch up” to the rest of us. Which I promise you, she was doing. She moved here in her late teens. She’s in her twenties. This does not happen over night.
The behavior is homophonic, yes. It is wrong, yes. I think context matters. Hate for hate does not make the world a better place. Love and education in the face of hate can typically help create more love and understanding in my opinion. And she is someone deserving of that treatment as I believe most all people are.
I’m almost positive OP means dissociation. It is a trauma response that can be severe enough to cause memory gaps and be part of a fight or flight response where you don’t make logical decisions well. Not sure if that’s what he’s alluding to. If it is, his girlfriend needs to be in therapy.
This is tough. You should try to schedule around her if possible but otherwise confront her directly on this. I don’t mean to attack her bit rather be honest about your fears and desire to have one last connection with your father before he passes. Let her know she is in control and has the power and all that but you need to spend tome with a man you love. Good luck!
Express your concern to your bf about her intentions. But don’t ask him to stop hanging out with her. If he offers say that you trust him to make the right decisions but just wanted to talk to him about it because it was bothering you.
The thing is. Integrity is about doing the right think even if no body is there. So, if you trust him. Then it shouldn’t matter if he’s alone with her or not.
And you can’t “poach” an SO if they are already “poachable”.
If my girlfriend went to the gym with a guy I’m okay with that. If I notice there is something more going on I’ll let her know I’m uncomfortable
Or it may be the straw that broke the camels back kind of thing.
I also know depression and trauma this past year has been one long nightmare. But I’m getting professional help which isn’t mentioned by OP.
But you have to, on some level, be aware of how draining that is on people who live with you. To be completely dependent on someone for close to 3 years?
Caregiver burnout is a very real thing. When someone is burnt out and they hit their limit, there’s usually nothing left to do. There’s certainly no quick fix.
Honestly…I would give him an early present. Say you’ve been going back and forth watching him struggle and you’ve decided to surprise him early. There’s really only 2 outcomes otherwise: 1. You wait until Christmas and he pulls this off, so he already has the game and the surprise sucks. 2. You wait until Christmas and he didn’t pull it off. He knows you’ve seen him struggle for a month and he’s posed at you.
Give him the gift now. Say you’ll find him something small so he has something to open, but you couldn’t handle struggling so nude to have a chance to play it.
Don't read too much into this. Many parents have little to no interest in getting to know their children's partners much at all until marriage is on the cards.
I have an update if you wanna PM me
Therapist. Not B.
B is getting married. This isn’t their problem.
You moved in together even though he is bad with money. You have underwritten his existence for what, six months?
SIGH. Listen, that money is gone. He isn't going to pay you back.
Get your own place, find a roommate, save your OWN fucking money and stop spending it on him because you will never see a dime of it.
Learn the lesson this fuck up is trying to teach you.
But you blame your dad.. why?
These things are all annoyances but pile them all together all the time and they become issues.
1stly, your anxiety needs to be controlled, because if it isnt, there will be a new reason every week that causes your anxiety. Today its a knife, tomorrow a cup, the next day a sock. It's not a healthy way for either of you to live.
There has to be give and take, your anxiety can not dictate this relationship because believe me he will be gone.
Therapy may be able to give you better ways of dealing with these things when the come up.
safety does not have to mean free from physical abuse, but comfort and ability to relax… As a HUGE introvert, ANYTIME there is someone in my house, I feel like I have to be “on” – I can't just curl up on my phone with a coffee and be quiet, because that could be rude… If you added a linguistic barrier to that, I stand by my statement.
Mate chill your tits yeah, sometimes people fuck up when they panic, no one's perfect.
couple of things.
dating at work can be… dangerous. First, be prepared to have to leave the job if things go south.
Second, I think a lot of people associate the “forced” closeness of work environments with intimacy and then think “oh, we're great together we should date” and it's kind of a false vision.
But, you're young and you've got to learn and experience these things on your own, so here are my 2 suggestions.
1- ask her if she wants to go get coffee or some other non-threatening date idea, like going to a book store together or some such.
2- talk about favorite childhood movies, and no matter what she says and if you've seen it, claim you haven't. If she's even remotely into you, she'll be over your place that night with plans to watch it. And if she's really into you, you won't get very far into that movie… I must have watched Labyrinth “for the first time” about 10 times during college. Never once made it to the end.
Press charges for assault. She can be a drain on the prison system instead of just you. She's useless and abusive. She doesn't deserve the respect to even bother trying to fix this. And remember her physical abuse will escalate. You'll find a knife coming at you before you know it
Thank for your words. I agree with #1, 2, & 3 whole heartedly. It is top of mind.
4 I don’t really agree with. I would consider myself friends with my tenants. And the bartender. While her behavior is inappropriate, I’m a super nice guy and people are aware her behavior is not reflective of mine. Secondly, I think it’s important to understand where people come from. Jamaica is an under developed country, it is quite literally one of the slowest growing economies in the world. There are vast cultural differences when trying to compare a country like that to a first world country like the United States. The education system, political system, and more are years behind us. Which, if you consider America’s history, we weren’t so much difference some time ago. We just have more resources, better infrastructure, both of which I think enables progression in understanding things that a long time ago seemed strange. Like homosexuality. The important part is to recognize the cultural difference, understand it is wrong, and work to “catch up” to the rest of us. Which I promise you, she was doing. She moved here in her late teens. She’s in her twenties. This does not happen over night.
The behavior is homophonic, yes. It is wrong, yes. I think context matters. Hate for hate does not make the world a better place. Love and education in the face of hate can typically help create more love and understanding in my opinion. And she is someone deserving of that treatment as I believe most all people are.
She's a mess. She's 38yo. She's not going to be a safe partner ever
I suggest you seek therapy as to why you are attracted to a needy dysfunctional nude mess. It's not love – it's self destructive.
I’m almost positive OP means dissociation. It is a trauma response that can be severe enough to cause memory gaps and be part of a fight or flight response where you don’t make logical decisions well. Not sure if that’s what he’s alluding to. If it is, his girlfriend needs to be in therapy.
This is tough. You should try to schedule around her if possible but otherwise confront her directly on this. I don’t mean to attack her bit rather be honest about your fears and desire to have one last connection with your father before he passes. Let her know she is in control and has the power and all that but you need to spend tome with a man you love. Good luck!
Welp no shit he’s resentful. Break up with this man.
she sounds spoiled, ungrateful, demanding and entitled
sounds like OP has helped her get that way. time to break the cycle.
Express your concern to your bf about her intentions. But don’t ask him to stop hanging out with her. If he offers say that you trust him to make the right decisions but just wanted to talk to him about it because it was bothering you.
The thing is. Integrity is about doing the right think even if no body is there. So, if you trust him. Then it shouldn’t matter if he’s alone with her or not.
And you can’t “poach” an SO if they are already “poachable”.
This has been one of the clearest thought process that entered my mind all day. Thank you.