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This hurts to hear. I guess you're right.
UPDATE:
If anyone would like a new post linking back to this one let me know, and I’ll try to figure that out. In the meantime below is the update:
Firstly, thank you all for your advice, it is much appreciated.
I sat down with my fiancée last night to discuss, and tbh I tried to stay calm but might of come in a bit nude and heavy, so made for an uncomfortable conversation to say the least.
Anyways, we agreed that the terms used might not be appropriate and she has acknowledged she would not appreciate seeing similar messages from me to anyone else, regardless of sexual orientation/preference.
The man in question will not be staying here, as again if the roles where reversed she would not be comfortable with me inviting a coworker (regardless of their chosen gender) to move in on even a temporary basis. We have agreed overseas visitor are fine, as we are both international ourselves.
However, she feels seeing her messages was an invasion of her privacy, and not accidental regardless of my insistence. Subsequently, will need to rebuild a certain level of trust. I am struggling with this to an extent, as my iPad, MacBook and iPhone are at her complete disposal – and she has full access to them all which are all backed up by iCloud which syncs all messages/photos/emails etc. So this will be next hurdle to overcome.
Lastly, the gentleman in question does identify as gay from my understanding, and I’ll be having lunch with them both next week.
Thank you all for your advice/suggestion, appreciate you all!!
I am constantly stunned that people can make it to 30s and adulthood and just have no idea what is going on in basic social interactions. What kind of cope excuse jumbled mess did i just read?
I'd be massively disappointed if my SO didn't trust me enough to say it's fine. You've been together a while and still don't trust the man, of course he'll be a little moody about it.
I stay over sometimes but me and my bf usually order takeout. His mom expects me to cook once in a while and on holidays for their family and extended family.
His ego bulked up along with his muscles. His ability to be humble went by the wayside. Right now, he’s lost his character. He’s treating you as less than because he’s acting less-than. He is the problem, not you.
Ok cool. Thanks for the advice to the generic reader. What do I do?
I've asked him to cut it off but he says that that is controlling and I can see that. His logic is that it's platonic and he's just being polite. We have had so many conversations over the years about it but he swears she means nothing. He just doesn't cut it off on principle that he shouldn't have to cut it off. We are actually engaged which is why I am thinking long term about whether this is a red flag or not. We've had issues with him having friendships with other women and complaining about me and our relationship to them but we've worked through it and he says he'll never do it again. I definitely don't keep any male friends around, nor am I in contact with any of my exes. What you're saying is right, I guess I just don't know if I'm over reacting by being weirded out by it?
Post on legal advice to find out about the car and what the best course of action is. But there is a very real possibility he'll be able to get the money back, or be considered the owner because of the sale.
As for getting your stuff at his place, go to the police. File a report about the car damage, explain the situation, and request a police escort. They'll escort you to his place and make sure to keep the peace while you get all of your belongings. Also, try for a restraining order, this man is clearly a threat.
And please consider therapy, it's the best way to ensure you don't end up in a cycle of abusive relationships. You were freshly legal and he was in his mid-40s, so he was clearly a predator. And predators with major age gaps tend to be abusive. Please stick to age-appropriate men in the future, there's a reason so many people warn young women about age gaps.
If it feels like you are broken up, then break up
We beat ourselves something awful for not measuring up to porn stars and gorgeous women. We compare ourselves often. I believe you’re telling the truth about not comparing us, yet it’s so nude to imagine a man seeing sexy porn stars and not being disappointed when he looks back at his SO. Perhaps it’s instinctive for women to worry when their men might be lured away, and it’s naked to overcome instinct.
How are you not disappointed?
Yep. Was with someone like her for years and nothing I did was ever right. Good riddance. Hope she’s okay but don’t need to know.
Yes but now you are single and you don't go but when you are in a relationship you go?
Sure does because she refuses all kinds of intimacy, that's why I'm fed up
No, you should stop seeing her.
I know with confidence that my boyfriend sees her as a friend and would never cross that boundary because he respects me and our relationship.
jump hugging him (aka legs wrapped around his waist)
You realise that no man (attracted to women) on the planet doesn't see how this is sexual, right? He knows exactly what he's doing, and he's trampling all over your boundaries.
You don't have a boyfriends friends problem, you have a boyfriend problem.
I partially feel like it’s my fault.
It's a absolutely not your fault. He is responsible for his behaviour and grabbing you aggressively is not ok. Just because he had a past situationship with him does not mean he can be aggressive with you and invade your personal space.
What outcome would you like if you reported him? I think if you feel you want to report him, then you should.
He doesn’t need to travel or be around just the boys to cheat, since that’s your concern.
I will come to you as a father who married a woman who has a kid with behavioral problems. You are strong for wanting to be with this man. What you need to do like a few others already suggested is record his son's behavior of harming you. When you show him tell him you are coming from a place of concern and that you want him to get the boy into individual and family therapy if you do want to stay with him, because the behavior will only escalate.
He is taking it out on you because you are his dad's new GF but behavior like this rarely stays targeted on one person and if/when you leave someone else will become the target.
Well she hates you. Are you ok with that?
I mean it also sounds like he is trying to isolate her by getting her to associate her friends with shame and the feeling of being humiliated.
This then leads to her only being around his friends and then he can get worse because he's already isolated her from everyone else.
I said “you want people to tell you”
I also asked “why are you concerned about checking in?” But I noticed you ignored that