He was making comments about his girlfriend (talking shit, but he was drinking) and I (half) jokingly say back isn’t she the bread maker & he kicked me in the back of the leg but I let it go (I grew up with boys, I’m used to rough housing/I knew he was drinking) so I brushed that off and laughed it off- 2 minutes later once we get in the car he starts cussing me out and my boyfriend just watched
I'm a 45 yo woman who works in STEM. The men definitely seem to think they're king shit on the technical side more than the men on the softer side of the businesses. Don't get me wrong. There's a lot of really smart men. But they're typically used to feeling like the smartest person in the room and when a woman is smarter than them, they figure out mentally tricks to convince themselves that the woman said a dumb. It's partly misogyny and partly being smarter than your peers for a lot of your formative life, plus throw in a bit of most of them not being neurotypical, or your standard lack of social awareness. It's all gross.
But, the thing that is concerning to me is that this mindset doesn't stay at work. He will never see you as smarter, or even as smart as, him unless he goes through a fundamental change in beliefs that are deeply rooted. For anything. Ever. It'll mostly be subtle, until it isn't and you realize that benevolent misogyny is just as damaging as overt misogyny. You haven't invested that much time in him. It's it really worth staying with someone who truly believes you can't be a smart as him because of your gender?
Please don't feel bad because you didn't do anything wrong. He was crossing your boundaries (and legal boundaries) and you had every right to say no. My only advice would be getting out of that relationship because if he behaves this way now, it'll only get worse with the time..
No I am not. I am talking about having my tubes tied. I know what fucking surgery I had and I know what the recovery time was. How many times HAVE YOU had major abdominal surgery. Stupid ass teenage boys trying to tell people who have actually had procedures done what “actually” happened. I am so tired of the fucking single celled organisms on Reddit. Jfc
Seriously makes the fiancé look like a bad guy who then plays hurt when he gets called out on it. This is just a clusterfuck of drama for something that wasn’t that big of a deal except they made it one every step of the way. Gonna be a rough life if he is this offended when he gets a semi vulgur text and then throws a fit when he created the stress and drama.
I see your point and I appreciate the brutal honesty. I do love her very much and want to marry her. It just kills me to know that someone close to her basically loathes me even when I’ve attempted to repair that relationship. I just don’t want myself and her to have to deal with him making comments every time we see him and causing tension.
It wasn’t your place to tell him; after all, she could really be head over heels for him and actually turning over a new leaf for him and you “good intentions “ may have put a drop of poison into their relationship
With that said, if she was cheating on him and you knew for a fact and wanted to let him know, I’d not fault you in that scenario.
I love my mom. She's literally my best friend. But she pisses me off to no end when she comments on my weight or appearance. The first time I remember being called chubby was at age 11. The biggest size I ever was was a 8-10. So I was a little chubby around the middle, but I was just barely into the “overweight” category BMI wise. Growing up with her had my self image so warped. She always called me pudgy but never cooked or did anything else that would have taught me healthy habits. When I finally moved in with my husband it took years to finally listen to him and get my self confidence back and start understanding healthy eating. And guess what happened? I lost 40 pounds, got to a size 2 and have been that size since. I have told her so many times to please not comment about my weight, even if she perceives it as something good. But somehow, every time I see her she has to say “OMG your so skinny now” and it irks me every time. I have so many negative emotions tied to her commenting on my weight that I don't even want what she thinks is a compliment.
I'm sure your daughter is in a similar boat. She has grown up with you doing nothing but tearing her down, when you're the one person who should be her unconditional support system. And you clearly don't have the capacity to try to make up for ruining her childhood since you don't even acknowledge you're the problem.
This is next level gaslighting. It happens when people don't know how to communicate. It provides him with a way out and the classic “you took it wrong” escape.
If he does not wish to engage in conversation, I suggest you find a more functional model
Please see a specialist in psychiatric meds. Meds work. I am proof of it. I could not leave the house, Ho to restaurants, or fly. I do now!!! It’s a brain thing!!!
Of course he can't, you can't prove a negative. People don't have alibis for every moment of every day. If someone accuses you of cheating there's literally no way you can definitively prove you haven't. That's why in law it's innocence until proven guilty.
But he shouldn't have to. There should be trust, if there isn't, why bother with the relationship.
We have resolved conflict. It is just difficult because he’s very poor at communicating. Last conflict we resolved was actually Reddit solved tbh. I posted on AITA and we took so many of the comments into consideration together. But this isn’t like a workload based thing. This is just me wanting to feel secure again. I want to feel wanted again and like I’m not just irritating him. I want him to be happy to see me again. I feel like we’ve recently lost some of that
This is not a hill that’s worth dying on. If she says something similar again, just nod your head and agree and say how wonderful she is. Your brain will still own the truth, but you will reap the rewards for being supportive even though you know it’s untrue.
You're supposed to feel that the next time you ask a question like that, don't ask it.
Leave the games behind. Poor dude couldn't win unless he exclaimed, 'I WOULD CHOOSE YOU OF COURSE' within .0001 seconds. But what does that mean? You'd feel happy that he gave your not yet a baby no consideration whatsoever? What if he took two seconds to pick you?
What would I go to student health services for? Can they really do anything if I’m not bleeding? Thank you for the hug. For some reason I’ve just been missing my mom so much after it happened. She’s not in the state right now but I just want my mom, as childish as it sounds.
Not quite the exact same thing. I never canceled a date with her. She was clearly my first choice. My jealousy is not really that she had sex with another man before (because as you point out, I had sex with other women), but it is more with the fact that she didn't pick me to have sex with first. She, for whatever reason, had sex with him first, when I had already made myself available. Then for some reason that I don't know, she decided that she wanted to date me and not him. Does that change how you see this?
What about Option D: Your gf sets clear boundaries with this “friend” that she's not comfortable with compliments, offhanded remarks about them dating, kissy face emojis, etc. And she wants to make sure he understands that she will only ever view him as a friend; that she views anything else as inappropriate (and frankly creepy) given their respective ages. And that she also wants to be respectful towards you, her boyfriend, by keeping their relationship strictly platonic (aka no flirting whatsoever).
Then whenever he tries to push her boundaries (which he will) she either calls him out on it or stops responding/distances herself. Honestly i think she might then realize that this guy isn't all that interested in a friendship with her and just wants to online out some fantasy of being with a younger woman.
Is awkward to ask it now though? Is it a question to ask on your first one-on-one date? I feel like I struggle to not feel awkward with these things as I'm pretty nervous about it all. Thanks for the response ?
LEAVE
He was making comments about his girlfriend (talking shit, but he was drinking) and I (half) jokingly say back isn’t she the bread maker & he kicked me in the back of the leg but I let it go (I grew up with boys, I’m used to rough housing/I knew he was drinking) so I brushed that off and laughed it off- 2 minutes later once we get in the car he starts cussing me out and my boyfriend just watched
please say you're not asking reddit for advice on what to do after finding CP on your boyfriends phone!!!!!!!!
I'm a 45 yo woman who works in STEM. The men definitely seem to think they're king shit on the technical side more than the men on the softer side of the businesses. Don't get me wrong. There's a lot of really smart men. But they're typically used to feeling like the smartest person in the room and when a woman is smarter than them, they figure out mentally tricks to convince themselves that the woman said a dumb. It's partly misogyny and partly being smarter than your peers for a lot of your formative life, plus throw in a bit of most of them not being neurotypical, or your standard lack of social awareness. It's all gross.
But, the thing that is concerning to me is that this mindset doesn't stay at work. He will never see you as smarter, or even as smart as, him unless he goes through a fundamental change in beliefs that are deeply rooted. For anything. Ever. It'll mostly be subtle, until it isn't and you realize that benevolent misogyny is just as damaging as overt misogyny. You haven't invested that much time in him. It's it really worth staying with someone who truly believes you can't be a smart as him because of your gender?
Please don't feel bad because you didn't do anything wrong. He was crossing your boundaries (and legal boundaries) and you had every right to say no. My only advice would be getting out of that relationship because if he behaves this way now, it'll only get worse with the time..
No I am not. I am talking about having my tubes tied. I know what fucking surgery I had and I know what the recovery time was. How many times HAVE YOU had major abdominal surgery. Stupid ass teenage boys trying to tell people who have actually had procedures done what “actually” happened. I am so tired of the fucking single celled organisms on Reddit. Jfc
Seriously makes the fiancé look like a bad guy who then plays hurt when he gets called out on it. This is just a clusterfuck of drama for something that wasn’t that big of a deal except they made it one every step of the way. Gonna be a rough life if he is this offended when he gets a semi vulgur text and then throws a fit when he created the stress and drama.
Take everything you can get from her before you kick her out. Also get tested.
I see your point and I appreciate the brutal honesty. I do love her very much and want to marry her. It just kills me to know that someone close to her basically loathes me even when I’ve attempted to repair that relationship. I just don’t want myself and her to have to deal with him making comments every time we see him and causing tension.
It wasn’t your place to tell him; after all, she could really be head over heels for him and actually turning over a new leaf for him and you “good intentions “ may have put a drop of poison into their relationship
With that said, if she was cheating on him and you knew for a fact and wanted to let him know, I’d not fault you in that scenario.
women do this same shit. my ex always said she hates men except me. it gets exhausting after a while.
I love my mom. She's literally my best friend. But she pisses me off to no end when she comments on my weight or appearance. The first time I remember being called chubby was at age 11. The biggest size I ever was was a 8-10. So I was a little chubby around the middle, but I was just barely into the “overweight” category BMI wise. Growing up with her had my self image so warped. She always called me pudgy but never cooked or did anything else that would have taught me healthy habits. When I finally moved in with my husband it took years to finally listen to him and get my self confidence back and start understanding healthy eating. And guess what happened? I lost 40 pounds, got to a size 2 and have been that size since. I have told her so many times to please not comment about my weight, even if she perceives it as something good. But somehow, every time I see her she has to say “OMG your so skinny now” and it irks me every time. I have so many negative emotions tied to her commenting on my weight that I don't even want what she thinks is a compliment.
I'm sure your daughter is in a similar boat. She has grown up with you doing nothing but tearing her down, when you're the one person who should be her unconditional support system. And you clearly don't have the capacity to try to make up for ruining her childhood since you don't even acknowledge you're the problem.
This is next level gaslighting. It happens when people don't know how to communicate. It provides him with a way out and the classic “you took it wrong” escape.
If he does not wish to engage in conversation, I suggest you find a more functional model
Writing like they’re 12 instead of 21.
Please see a specialist in psychiatric meds. Meds work. I am proof of it. I could not leave the house, Ho to restaurants, or fly. I do now!!! It’s a brain thing!!!
Of course he can't, you can't prove a negative. People don't have alibis for every moment of every day. If someone accuses you of cheating there's literally no way you can definitively prove you haven't. That's why in law it's innocence until proven guilty.
But he shouldn't have to. There should be trust, if there isn't, why bother with the relationship.
We have resolved conflict. It is just difficult because he’s very poor at communicating. Last conflict we resolved was actually Reddit solved tbh. I posted on AITA and we took so many of the comments into consideration together. But this isn’t like a workload based thing. This is just me wanting to feel secure again. I want to feel wanted again and like I’m not just irritating him. I want him to be happy to see me again. I feel like we’ve recently lost some of that
This is not a hill that’s worth dying on. If she says something similar again, just nod your head and agree and say how wonderful she is. Your brain will still own the truth, but you will reap the rewards for being supportive even though you know it’s untrue.
Hoping for the best for both of you. She’s lucky to have you caring for her.
You're supposed to feel that the next time you ask a question like that, don't ask it.
Leave the games behind. Poor dude couldn't win unless he exclaimed, 'I WOULD CHOOSE YOU OF COURSE' within .0001 seconds. But what does that mean? You'd feel happy that he gave your not yet a baby no consideration whatsoever? What if he took two seconds to pick you?
I'm taking a male friend they really like. Hopefully this makes her less uncomfortable.
What do you mean? I'm not looking for a bad boy or anything lol
What would I go to student health services for? Can they really do anything if I’m not bleeding? Thank you for the hug. For some reason I’ve just been missing my mom so much after it happened. She’s not in the state right now but I just want my mom, as childish as it sounds.
Not quite the exact same thing. I never canceled a date with her. She was clearly my first choice. My jealousy is not really that she had sex with another man before (because as you point out, I had sex with other women), but it is more with the fact that she didn't pick me to have sex with first. She, for whatever reason, had sex with him first, when I had already made myself available. Then for some reason that I don't know, she decided that she wanted to date me and not him. Does that change how you see this?
What about Option D: Your gf sets clear boundaries with this “friend” that she's not comfortable with compliments, offhanded remarks about them dating, kissy face emojis, etc. And she wants to make sure he understands that she will only ever view him as a friend; that she views anything else as inappropriate (and frankly creepy) given their respective ages. And that she also wants to be respectful towards you, her boyfriend, by keeping their relationship strictly platonic (aka no flirting whatsoever).
Then whenever he tries to push her boundaries (which he will) she either calls him out on it or stops responding/distances herself. Honestly i think she might then realize that this guy isn't all that interested in a friendship with her and just wants to online out some fantasy of being with a younger woman.
4 years and you've never met his friend and most of his guy nights are away in other cities? Something suspicious is going on
I don’t want to hear about how “unfair” it is to you when your girlfriend has felt like a second choice for over a year.
I don’t want to hear about how “unfair” it is to you when your girlfriend has felt like a second choice for over a year.
or take the hint
Is awkward to ask it now though? Is it a question to ask on your first one-on-one date? I feel like I struggle to not feel awkward with these things as I'm pretty nervous about it all. Thanks for the response ?