Would a psychopath say “Well, damn! You caught me!” when confronted?
What do your IRL friends think of him? Is he really someone that makes jokes that tend to alienate people? Have you noticed your friends avoiding inviting both of you to events? Does he insist on going everywhere with you? Do you find yourself apologizing for his behavior a lot?
Maybe it’s a troll, but for people in abusive relationships, the friends and family tend to see the red flag well before the victim.
I dont work. I am getting child money, money cause my dad died and from my uni. Sorry should have said that.
Thing is i cannot like predict her responses. Sometimes it is yes sometimes no. I did got some makenup in middle school (eye shadow and lip gloss) but there she already complained and then after a while I gave up
She does colour her hair and wear make up. She just doesnt want I do it.
i dont give her all my money. Just so much that it covers things like food, things i would need, etc. I always got some left. She told me she takes care of the finances while I study once I am working she will stop and let me
She is pregnant and from reading it sounds like that she wants to move on while you want to be in the relationship.
Yes she might miss you, but that does not mean that she will try to contact you again. Respect her boundaries and focus on yourself right now. Until (your?) child will be born. There will be things you two have to talk about anyway i guess unless you can not contribute money for the kid?
In any case please leave her alone for now . If she wants to contact you, she will do it.
This is a extremly stressful situation for all involved and it is absolutely normal for girls who broke up pregnant that the family tries to cheer her up.
He's trying to make you feel awful about yourself by constantly bringing up such a difficult time in your life. Instead of just loving you and accepting you, making you feel safe and secure, he instead is making you feel unsure of yourself, and making you doubt yourself. This gives him control over you emotionally. He throws back in your face all the reasons why you are inadequate in his eyes, so you can never really feel good enough. This is hugely toxic. Your partner in life is supposed to build you up and encourage you. This guy is not it.
It's only been four months, and he's already throwing out so many red flags. I think it's time to let this one go.
… western women can cook and clean, they would just rather have an equal partner than a dependent.
As for the rest of it with the super specific looks and money, I think personally men only need those qualities if their personality sucks and I think your attitude is likely lacking from the way you've written your post.
100%! It makes me think op isn’t telling the whole story. Who goes from father of the year to a neglectful pos? It makes me wonder if he forced responsibilities on his new wife and she became resentful, unfortunately to the wrong person but this happens A LOT. Especially with men and daughters.
Hey, been there man. It’s a process and not really a switch that you can flip on and off. Things that have helped me: becoming better at telling jokes, getting therapy to help get to root of my discomfort in these playfully jokey situations, talking to the friends 1 on 1 and just telling them where you are with your mindset right now.
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It's important to recognize that those feelings are ones that you have about yourself and while challenging its important to not assign them to anyone else without cause. Relationships, and especially marriages are about a whole lot more than just looks. Everyone has things they don't like about themselves and those things can change over time. You are worth more than your looks and its important to recognize the role hormones play in creating these feelings.
No, I didn’t insult anyone. I pointed out the true … they have low moral standards.
Also I have left countless comments in which I have said over and over again that him sleeping with others is fine. Even in my first comments I specifically talked about him sleeping with his dead wifes SISTER. It’s not my problem that you all lack comprehension skills and try to put words in my mouth just to dismiss my point.
The reason I was defensive was bc ppl kept telling OP how he and the sister didn’t do anything wrong, how it’s normal, and all kind of other bullshit. There is a limit to how much one can minimize a wrong behavior. If you all had acknowledged that it is wrong and still offered advice, there wouldn’t have been any problems. Instead you try to normalize this behavior, downvote any comments in the comment section (not my comments) who criticized OPs behavior.
Pls, you calling out my behavior is the mast hilarious pretentious behavior here. I criticized OP for something which deserves criticism. And calling an immoral actions immoral isn’t wrong. Ppl here have attacked me left and right, cursed at me, claimed my husband must have slept with my sister blah blah … do you see me crying about that? But of course you won’t call out your alls actions. Sick of your alls hypocrisy.
You're 22. You've got what, 4-6 decades ahead of you? Do you really think this is it? That you'll never do better than a guy who only wants your as a booty call, not part of his life adventure?
You really want to waste the remaining decades being a side character in your own life, waiting in the sidelines?
Keep trying to talk to him. Maybe ask him to hang out just the two of you like fishing. He may feel overly pressured by having so many people around him.
She’s obviously going through something confusing and is doing a terrible job at communicating it or remaining consistent. You are not to blame and you can’t fix it. I don’t think you can expect much until she understands herself. In the meantime you have to understand your own boundaries and what is healthy for you. She clearly has some type of relational trauma. I’d probably try to be a friend to her and that’s it…hoping she can find her way back to being stable and connected.
Thank you so much 🙁 I agree, there definitely has to be men who are happily monogamous. It’s just naked because he basically shoved the idea that no man is monogamous down my throat for months on end, now I have to start over and basically retrain my way of thinking since he corrupted it so much:(
you have 2 of the babies grandmas living at home AND a nanny??? PPD sucks so i’m refraining from judging your wife but she’s living the fucking dream right now.
wtf are the grandmas doing? what time do they sleep and get up?
between 3 people your wife is still barely making it? do you know if it’s 100% PPD or also a combination of your wife having unrealistic expectations of being a mom, and lack of motivation
how was she before this? did she do things around the house before? maybe she wanted the lifestyle where she does nothing bc you can afford it.
some individual therapy might help you sort out all this as well. there’s seems to be more to this than just PPD
Long distance is tough for sure but being able to visit on some weekends and during holidays have made it manageable. This past month has been a rough patch though and we're trying to work through it.
I'm fully aware that compromise is gonna be a thing and I'm ready for it. I just hope I can realize when a compromise turns into a *sacrifice*. Though that might take some more time and exploration of boundaries.
And this is fantastic advice by the way, thank you for all this.
He isn't “seeming” hypocritical, he is being hypocritical. It wasn't okay for you to grab coffee with your ex, but somehow lunch AND dinner was fine with his? Why did he NEED to see her if it wasn't okay for you to do?
That, coupled with the fact that he lied to you early on is a huge problem. It sounds like he's okay doing things he knows would upset you as long as it benefits him. How would he react if you did those things?
Of course you want to keep her around, who will be your bangmaid and who will pay half the bills when you are so busy.
She probably already suspects you are just using her but trying to give you another chance, and when she stops complaining, that’s when you have to worry, because most likely she’s checked out and ready to leave.
It’s probably not about the bathroom decors or anything like that. That’s why he moves the goal posts. He’s probably trying to make her feel ridiculous for being so rude and gross as to say she thinks he looks like a pedophile. He’s wondering how much she’ll offer in exchange before she’ll even apologize. OP is entitled to her opinions but any reconciliation would start with an apology for being so rude in the first place.
He's clearly not mature enough to handle adult situations and he straight-up raped you by ejaculating inside without consent or use of protection.
You're not out of line here at all, and for him to leave you hanging during such a stressful moment should show you where you are in his list of priorities. No offense, but he's a jerk.
That amount of debt is very worrisome. Any possibility of her working a public service job to qualify for loan forgiveness? This may not even solve the issue because it may take too long if she qualifies, but it’s something worth looking into.
You seem to be confused about what setting boundaries actually entails. Boundaries are not something that you enforce onto others. Boundaries are thing that you self-enforce FOR YOURSELF.
Here is an example of incorrect application of boundaries… “I told you that I don’t want you to go out clubbing while doing drugs. No matter how many times I tell you i don’t like this, you just keep choosing to do it!”
Here’s an example of using boundaries correctly… “I told you that going out clubbing while doing drugs is not something that I will tolerate. As a result we are no longer dating and are breaking up.”
A boundary isn’t something that one uses to control the actions or behavior of another. It is something that one enforces for themselves.
He should see a Doctor about it to get real options and risks, but it's also his body and he gets to decide if those risks are acceptable. You don't have to like his decision, but you should respect it and you then have the option of leaving.
Explicitly stating how you feel about his hair would get dangerously close to an ultimatum/exerting control.
“Hey hon, I hate your hair and it makes me not attracted to you anymore. Of course you can keep it, it’s up to you!” No matter how delicately you phrase that first part, it doesn’t change the fact that it puts him in a tough spot. Especially that he doesn’t seem to mind or care about his hair.
The thought process remains for him the same – I have to change my hair or else my gf won’t be attracted to me anymore.
I mean the only reasonable thing to do is to break up and stop wasting your time on a person like that. Selfcare is the route to go down.
I got cheated on for months last year by my ex who was living in my appartment, who left without ever paying me back the 10.000€ she owed me and on top she took the dog with her as well.
I got royally fucked over by her and you know what I did? I forgave her on day 2, let her stay in my appartment for two more months until she found something new cause I would have made her and the dog homeless and then I even helped her move.
Why? Because I will never step down to her level of indecency. I stayed true to myself and who I am as a person (trying to be good) and I would do it again and again. It gave me peace, because I know I acted admirably. I took this opportunity to look at myself and to get out of this on top. My self care was exercise, I got in the best shape of my life and look ten times better than while I was with her. I am getting hit on now which never happened to me before.
All in all it is good she cheated on me, made me realise my potential. Karma probably fucked her over already, so I didn't even had to get my hands dirty.
Hope this helps you in a way. Don't forget, you matter most.
I don’t want to speculate on any DSM-IV medical conditions. I think the word narcissist is throw about, but I do not believe she exhibits any of the traits associated with narcissistic personality disorder.
I’ve come to realize that they know they will get karma/more likes from it. When I called out an obviously fake troll I was downvoted but the comments telling them to lawyer up has 475 upvotes.
Yeah I’ll bring that up. Should I go for the 3-4 days out of state to visit fam and treat it as a break or should I extend it to 5-6 days and let him know I’m scared of what he did ? I’m not scared tbh but I just kinda think he should feel very guilty for that
He says he doesn't know either how to make things like were before, liek after been phisicaly together, both of us forgot how we got turn on. Also the lack of time and me been tired all the time foesn't help u.u.
Relax. He doesn't have an issue with it – why should you?
You can't control your emotions! You are sad because he is! That is very normal and sweet. As long as you are still there for him, comforting him it's ok to cry with him!
My fiancé never learned to drive (well not true, he was taught, he just didn’t get his license because he didn’t have a need) and we live in a city, but obviously that isn’t going to work for you. One of his past relationships ended because he lived in a place where he couldn’t go anywhere without a car and so his partner resented him similarly but he also felt isolated and trapped because of it, so it was a lose/lose. Now me? I have a license, but don’t own a car, I also prefer driving whenever we need to anyways so it works out well for us because our needs and our skills and priorities are compatible. If this isn’t going to change and he isn’t going to change it, then it sounds like you guys aren’t and that’s OK.
It doesn't seem like you are mature enough for a relationship.
Would a psychopath say “Well, damn! You caught me!” when confronted?
What do your IRL friends think of him? Is he really someone that makes jokes that tend to alienate people? Have you noticed your friends avoiding inviting both of you to events? Does he insist on going everywhere with you? Do you find yourself apologizing for his behavior a lot?
Maybe it’s a troll, but for people in abusive relationships, the friends and family tend to see the red flag well before the victim.
As a TA, that’s creepy as hell and I’d be uncomfortable if one of my GAs did it
INFO
Did he mention he did not believe in marriage from the very beginning? Or is this something new?
Has there been a temporary circumstance that has delayed marriage- such as financial hardship or illness?
Has he explained WHY he is opposed to marriage? Why does he have no interest in it?
I wish it was that easy.
Coming from Indian family and us being twins, my parents would begin to question why are we living separately and this will create new whole drama.
If hes a doon to be ex…just walk away now. You dont owe him any explanation or reasoning. But do get out while your ahead
You should have said ‘Hey, I’m only 14, maybe you shouldn’t be going out with me’ ?
I dont work. I am getting child money, money cause my dad died and from my uni. Sorry should have said that.
Thing is i cannot like predict her responses. Sometimes it is yes sometimes no. I did got some makenup in middle school (eye shadow and lip gloss) but there she already complained and then after a while I gave up
She does colour her hair and wear make up. She just doesnt want I do it.
i dont give her all my money. Just so much that it covers things like food, things i would need, etc. I always got some left. She told me she takes care of the finances while I study once I am working she will stop and let me
i am more a writer than a talker. so my wife often shut me down and then complain i don't talk to her. she tend to do the questions and the answers.
reading my posts would actually give her clues on what i think and feel.
I think you are 100% correct. It’s naked having to see the person every day though
You’re a wonderful child. Your Mom is lucky to have you.
You guys broke up(we do not know why) .
She is pregnant and from reading it sounds like that she wants to move on while you want to be in the relationship.
Yes she might miss you, but that does not mean that she will try to contact you again. Respect her boundaries and focus on yourself right now. Until (your?) child will be born. There will be things you two have to talk about anyway i guess unless you can not contribute money for the kid?
In any case please leave her alone for now . If she wants to contact you, she will do it.
This is a extremly stressful situation for all involved and it is absolutely normal for girls who broke up pregnant that the family tries to cheer her up.
Find people in your circle to cheer you up too.
Buy a new house with rooms and doors. Then he can stay in one room.
He's trying to make you feel awful about yourself by constantly bringing up such a difficult time in your life. Instead of just loving you and accepting you, making you feel safe and secure, he instead is making you feel unsure of yourself, and making you doubt yourself. This gives him control over you emotionally. He throws back in your face all the reasons why you are inadequate in his eyes, so you can never really feel good enough. This is hugely toxic. Your partner in life is supposed to build you up and encourage you. This guy is not it.
It's only been four months, and he's already throwing out so many red flags. I think it's time to let this one go.
… western women can cook and clean, they would just rather have an equal partner than a dependent.
As for the rest of it with the super specific looks and money, I think personally men only need those qualities if their personality sucks and I think your attitude is likely lacking from the way you've written your post.
Haven’t you been posting this for a while so it was hardly last Saturday you went on a date.
100%! It makes me think op isn’t telling the whole story. Who goes from father of the year to a neglectful pos? It makes me wonder if he forced responsibilities on his new wife and she became resentful, unfortunately to the wrong person but this happens A LOT. Especially with men and daughters.
Hey, been there man. It’s a process and not really a switch that you can flip on and off. Things that have helped me: becoming better at telling jokes, getting therapy to help get to root of my discomfort in these playfully jokey situations, talking to the friends 1 on 1 and just telling them where you are with your mindset right now.
Hope these help!
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It's important to recognize that those feelings are ones that you have about yourself and while challenging its important to not assign them to anyone else without cause. Relationships, and especially marriages are about a whole lot more than just looks. Everyone has things they don't like about themselves and those things can change over time. You are worth more than your looks and its important to recognize the role hormones play in creating these feelings.
No, I didn’t insult anyone. I pointed out the true … they have low moral standards.
Also I have left countless comments in which I have said over and over again that him sleeping with others is fine. Even in my first comments I specifically talked about him sleeping with his dead wifes SISTER. It’s not my problem that you all lack comprehension skills and try to put words in my mouth just to dismiss my point.
The reason I was defensive was bc ppl kept telling OP how he and the sister didn’t do anything wrong, how it’s normal, and all kind of other bullshit. There is a limit to how much one can minimize a wrong behavior. If you all had acknowledged that it is wrong and still offered advice, there wouldn’t have been any problems. Instead you try to normalize this behavior, downvote any comments in the comment section (not my comments) who criticized OPs behavior.
Pls, you calling out my behavior is the mast hilarious pretentious behavior here. I criticized OP for something which deserves criticism. And calling an immoral actions immoral isn’t wrong. Ppl here have attacked me left and right, cursed at me, claimed my husband must have slept with my sister blah blah … do you see me crying about that? But of course you won’t call out your alls actions. Sick of your alls hypocrisy.
You're 22. You've got what, 4-6 decades ahead of you? Do you really think this is it? That you'll never do better than a guy who only wants your as a booty call, not part of his life adventure?
You really want to waste the remaining decades being a side character in your own life, waiting in the sidelines?
Keep trying to talk to him. Maybe ask him to hang out just the two of you like fishing. He may feel overly pressured by having so many people around him.
Will he? I mean he may face charges but let’s be realistic about the outcomes of sexual assault charges
Yay
About two years. We also don’t live together.
You are very sheltered if you think she has good intentions for
She’s obviously going through something confusing and is doing a terrible job at communicating it or remaining consistent. You are not to blame and you can’t fix it. I don’t think you can expect much until she understands herself. In the meantime you have to understand your own boundaries and what is healthy for you. She clearly has some type of relational trauma. I’d probably try to be a friend to her and that’s it…hoping she can find her way back to being stable and connected.
Thank you so much 🙁 I agree, there definitely has to be men who are happily monogamous. It’s just naked because he basically shoved the idea that no man is monogamous down my throat for months on end, now I have to start over and basically retrain my way of thinking since he corrupted it so much:(
the math ain’t mathing
you have 2 of the babies grandmas living at home AND a nanny??? PPD sucks so i’m refraining from judging your wife but she’s living the fucking dream right now.
wtf are the grandmas doing? what time do they sleep and get up?
between 3 people your wife is still barely making it? do you know if it’s 100% PPD or also a combination of your wife having unrealistic expectations of being a mom, and lack of motivation
how was she before this? did she do things around the house before? maybe she wanted the lifestyle where she does nothing bc you can afford it.
some individual therapy might help you sort out all this as well. there’s seems to be more to this than just PPD
I’m starting to get the same feeling. He’s getting off on our negative attention. Sicko is just wasting our time over here.
Are you really saying that parents should let there children run away? If that’s your take then I pray for your kids.
Long distance is tough for sure but being able to visit on some weekends and during holidays have made it manageable. This past month has been a rough patch though and we're trying to work through it.
I'm fully aware that compromise is gonna be a thing and I'm ready for it. I just hope I can realize when a compromise turns into a *sacrifice*. Though that might take some more time and exploration of boundaries.
And this is fantastic advice by the way, thank you for all this.
He isn't “seeming” hypocritical, he is being hypocritical. It wasn't okay for you to grab coffee with your ex, but somehow lunch AND dinner was fine with his? Why did he NEED to see her if it wasn't okay for you to do?
That, coupled with the fact that he lied to you early on is a huge problem. It sounds like he's okay doing things he knows would upset you as long as it benefits him. How would he react if you did those things?
Of course you want to keep her around, who will be your bangmaid and who will pay half the bills when you are so busy.
She probably already suspects you are just using her but trying to give you another chance, and when she stops complaining, that’s when you have to worry, because most likely she’s checked out and ready to leave.
Yes, couples ask that of each other!! I don't even have to ask my husband quite frankly.
Lots of overlap i feel…
It’s probably not about the bathroom decors or anything like that. That’s why he moves the goal posts. He’s probably trying to make her feel ridiculous for being so rude and gross as to say she thinks he looks like a pedophile. He’s wondering how much she’ll offer in exchange before she’ll even apologize. OP is entitled to her opinions but any reconciliation would start with an apology for being so rude in the first place.
That too. It’s a difficult spot to be in.
Oh god looking at her post history she has a daughter. Good god.
Leave him.
He's clearly not mature enough to handle adult situations and he straight-up raped you by ejaculating inside without consent or use of protection.
You're not out of line here at all, and for him to leave you hanging during such a stressful moment should show you where you are in his list of priorities. No offense, but he's a jerk.
Have you gotten tested for ISTs?
That amount of debt is very worrisome. Any possibility of her working a public service job to qualify for loan forgiveness? This may not even solve the issue because it may take too long if she qualifies, but it’s something worth looking into.
I won't tell you what you should do, but If you marry her, her debt becomes “our debt”. You need to know the reality of that.
You seem to be confused about what setting boundaries actually entails. Boundaries are not something that you enforce onto others. Boundaries are thing that you self-enforce FOR YOURSELF.
Here is an example of incorrect application of boundaries… “I told you that I don’t want you to go out clubbing while doing drugs. No matter how many times I tell you i don’t like this, you just keep choosing to do it!”
Here’s an example of using boundaries correctly… “I told you that going out clubbing while doing drugs is not something that I will tolerate. As a result we are no longer dating and are breaking up.”
A boundary isn’t something that one uses to control the actions or behavior of another. It is something that one enforces for themselves.
Put your big boy pants on. Nothing is going to change if you don't say it.
I am 4 inches and this is one of my fears.
He should see a Doctor about it to get real options and risks, but it's also his body and he gets to decide if those risks are acceptable. You don't have to like his decision, but you should respect it and you then have the option of leaving.
Explicitly stating how you feel about his hair would get dangerously close to an ultimatum/exerting control.
“Hey hon, I hate your hair and it makes me not attracted to you anymore. Of course you can keep it, it’s up to you!” No matter how delicately you phrase that first part, it doesn’t change the fact that it puts him in a tough spot. Especially that he doesn’t seem to mind or care about his hair.
The thought process remains for him the same – I have to change my hair or else my gf won’t be attracted to me anymore.
I mean the only reasonable thing to do is to break up and stop wasting your time on a person like that. Selfcare is the route to go down.
I got cheated on for months last year by my ex who was living in my appartment, who left without ever paying me back the 10.000€ she owed me and on top she took the dog with her as well.
I got royally fucked over by her and you know what I did? I forgave her on day 2, let her stay in my appartment for two more months until she found something new cause I would have made her and the dog homeless and then I even helped her move.
Why? Because I will never step down to her level of indecency. I stayed true to myself and who I am as a person (trying to be good) and I would do it again and again. It gave me peace, because I know I acted admirably. I took this opportunity to look at myself and to get out of this on top. My self care was exercise, I got in the best shape of my life and look ten times better than while I was with her. I am getting hit on now which never happened to me before.
All in all it is good she cheated on me, made me realise my potential. Karma probably fucked her over already, so I didn't even had to get my hands dirty.
Hope this helps you in a way. Don't forget, you matter most.
I don’t want to speculate on any DSM-IV medical conditions. I think the word narcissist is throw about, but I do not believe she exhibits any of the traits associated with narcissistic personality disorder.
It's not too late. It's never too late. You are setting yourself up for a life of misery if you marry this man.
I’ve come to realize that they know they will get karma/more likes from it. When I called out an obviously fake troll I was downvoted but the comments telling them to lawyer up has 475 upvotes.
Yeah I’ll bring that up. Should I go for the 3-4 days out of state to visit fam and treat it as a break or should I extend it to 5-6 days and let him know I’m scared of what he did ? I’m not scared tbh but I just kinda think he should feel very guilty for that
Guarantee you she doesn’t bluntly shut them down
Why even a third, though? It's a duplex, he's renting out half; meaning, at most, she should only be responsible for 1/4.
He says he doesn't know either how to make things like were before, liek after been phisicaly together, both of us forgot how we got turn on. Also the lack of time and me been tired all the time foesn't help u.u.
pretty sure a book about sex isn't going to help me lmfao
What was the couples therapy about? You're really burying the lede here
Relax. He doesn't have an issue with it – why should you?
You can't control your emotions! You are sad because he is! That is very normal and sweet. As long as you are still there for him, comforting him it's ok to cry with him!
Then this should be in your post.
My fiancé never learned to drive (well not true, he was taught, he just didn’t get his license because he didn’t have a need) and we live in a city, but obviously that isn’t going to work for you. One of his past relationships ended because he lived in a place where he couldn’t go anywhere without a car and so his partner resented him similarly but he also felt isolated and trapped because of it, so it was a lose/lose. Now me? I have a license, but don’t own a car, I also prefer driving whenever we need to anyways so it works out well for us because our needs and our skills and priorities are compatible. If this isn’t going to change and he isn’t going to change it, then it sounds like you guys aren’t and that’s OK.