You have raised a boundary that you do not want to explore a three-some this is valid – keep communication around this open but you have expressed your boundary already and that you are not able to explore one of her desires – you don't need to adjust this if you do not want to and she needs to decide whether or not this will be a deal breaker for her.
It's definitely not all on you. Communication takes two people. If this was something that was bothering him he really should have talked about it before and express just how much of a problem it was to him and perhaps even supportively expressed some potential solutions to this problem for the health of your relationship as opposed to bottling it up and bringing it up now.
On the flip side as a male myself I know that our culture does not at all support men having feelings, beyond hungry, horny, and angry, or opening up at all, or showing any signs of weakness even in very enlightened areas of the world. So trying to be the partners that we need to be requires attempting to live! within the rules we've been given while also necessarily overriding those rules because of the toxic masculinity that they create and all of the hurdles involved in trying to attain healthy communication.
It does sound like he has reservations about marriage aside from the financial concerns. It's quite possible he just doesn't want to get married but also has the financial concerns and those are easier to talk about than it is to tell you he doesn't want to get married. The thing about a marriage proposal or serious talks about marriage is that the end of being an all or nothing endeavor. If someone says no, that's pretty much always the end of the relationship. It might take a while to settle into that ending and resolve it, but at that point you know we're both parties stand. Plus let's face it, nobody wants to have to convince another person that they love dearly to want to marry them. You want them to want to marry you on their own. Not to have to be finagled into it. It sounds like that has just not been in the cards for him. If you have to convince someone into deciding to marry you I feel like you would always have a voice in the back of your head wondering if they resent that, and how committed they really are to the relationship. I mean if they didn't really want to get married in the first place how happy could they possibly be afterwards?
Either way I don't envy your situation and however it plays out I sincerely wish you the best of luck.
You have to start accepting his offers and perhaps communicating your financing and making requests before spending your money. good people who offer gifts don’t expect things in return, if you learn otherwise you’ll have to dump his ass sooner or later.
Definitely tell P2. You’re grateful to know your wife is a cheater so you can at least restart and have the opportunity to meet a your true and honest partner, yeah? Definitely give the other guy the same kindness.
Sucks finding out, but it’s even worse when you’re three years down the line and find out on your own and having to deal with people knew and didn’t tell you on top of the cheating.
OP what you are experiencing are the fair and reasonable consequences of your actions. You acted like a creep. Now people are treating you like a creep. You can respond to her message to say that you understand and will respect her wishes and apologize for making her uncomfortable. You can not reasably expect her not to tell people. The fact that you are acting like an equal victim in this scenario that is entirely of your own making shows that you unfortunately have not learned much from your mistake. The best thing you can do is approach women more respectfully in the future, but in the meantime you're going to have to live! with the consequences of your behavior.
You need therapy. He sounds like a narcissist and this sounds like a classic narcissist plus fawning (you) combo. You should research the fawn response in regards to narcissism.
I’ve always felt that it takes away from a gift to ask your partner what they want. It’s so much more sentimental and meaningful if they get you something without you telling them what they want.
My personal view is that reminding him to get you a gift would come across as greedy and controlling. My advice is to leave things as is and try to stop worrying about something before it’s even an issue.
This sounds like a medical problem not a mental one. Possibly vaginismus. If she's interested, she should see a doctor about a diagnosis and options.
But you can't make her do that. You can express how you feel and that you would really like her to look into it. But if she isn't really interested and this is a deal breaker for you, you need to think of other options. Most likely divorce.
* i realize I’m not done processing my breakup? i definitely 100% sure know i don’t want to get back with my ex*
I think you should tell Jaz this, Op. Tell her you 100% will not get back with your ex. And that you like her a lot but you need some time to fully process your breakup. Ask her, will you be willing to take our friendship/relationship slowly? Or would you prefer we keep our distance until I feel in a better place? I understand you will want some time to think about it and decide.
I think this would be best for you both because you are telling her honestly your position and giving her the opportunity to think about it and decide what SHE thinks would be best for HER.
You're either a priority or an option. NEVER settle for being an option.
Hopefully he eventually matures out of prioritizing video games. Realistically though…. how long are you willing to wait? Weeks, months, years or even forever? Life is far too short to wait for a maybe
I am so glad I didn’t know about this without the update. Don’t know where OP lives but I love cats and I was so enraged I would’ve taken off work and traveled in order to help. And likely been jailed after confronting OP’s husband to find the truth and cat.
Let’s say you married him. He can’t afford you or any kids you might want as at least half his paycheck will go To these kids. Want a house? He can’t help. A new car? He can’t help. Vacations? Nope. He’s lied. Now he brings massive baggage. Is this what you want.
Aw, I sincerely hate to hear this for her. It sounds like she's got a lot to unpack mentally. I hope she's surrounded by more supportive people since the first segment of her life sounds hellish.
However. And I only even bring this up because things like this are upsetting and really hit close to home… don't take it upon yourself to be the support she needs. Being there for her as a person does not equate to becoming her personal assistant with chores and pet care. It's very kind to do those things… especially since the cat is a living creature who cannot verbally convey hunger (or other basic needs). But having an honest conversation may be what she needs. Like, “listen, I am always here to talk… but being here for you and cleaning up after you are not the same thing. I love ya, but trash and old clothes attract mice and bugs – which is something that neither of us need added to our list of 'crap we have to deal with' right now.” Then maybe work TOGETHER to get the place cleaned up and celebrate with a nice meal or pizza takeaway or something friendly.
21 yr old moved out. And he does not hit my 18 or 11 yr old because they are not his but threatens it daily. And always tells me I should do it. But he does whoop our 3 yr for small things thay can be corrected in other ways.
You need to communicate the way you feel but also you need to work out these emotions. Some of your wording sounds like you're blaming him? So I just want to make sure you know that he's behaving fine. Sort out why you're being so nude on yourself then talk to him about the situation
Wait would you want two grown homeless adults lying to your grandparents so they’d financially support them?
You have raised a boundary that you do not want to explore a three-some this is valid – keep communication around this open but you have expressed your boundary already and that you are not able to explore one of her desires – you don't need to adjust this if you do not want to and she needs to decide whether or not this will be a deal breaker for her.
I think I’m missing the point but I’m getting it now
It's definitely not all on you. Communication takes two people. If this was something that was bothering him he really should have talked about it before and express just how much of a problem it was to him and perhaps even supportively expressed some potential solutions to this problem for the health of your relationship as opposed to bottling it up and bringing it up now.
On the flip side as a male myself I know that our culture does not at all support men having feelings, beyond hungry, horny, and angry, or opening up at all, or showing any signs of weakness even in very enlightened areas of the world. So trying to be the partners that we need to be requires attempting to live! within the rules we've been given while also necessarily overriding those rules because of the toxic masculinity that they create and all of the hurdles involved in trying to attain healthy communication.
It does sound like he has reservations about marriage aside from the financial concerns. It's quite possible he just doesn't want to get married but also has the financial concerns and those are easier to talk about than it is to tell you he doesn't want to get married. The thing about a marriage proposal or serious talks about marriage is that the end of being an all or nothing endeavor. If someone says no, that's pretty much always the end of the relationship. It might take a while to settle into that ending and resolve it, but at that point you know we're both parties stand. Plus let's face it, nobody wants to have to convince another person that they love dearly to want to marry them. You want them to want to marry you on their own. Not to have to be finagled into it. It sounds like that has just not been in the cards for him. If you have to convince someone into deciding to marry you I feel like you would always have a voice in the back of your head wondering if they resent that, and how committed they really are to the relationship. I mean if they didn't really want to get married in the first place how happy could they possibly be afterwards?
Either way I don't envy your situation and however it plays out I sincerely wish you the best of luck.
You have to start accepting his offers and perhaps communicating your financing and making requests before spending your money. good people who offer gifts don’t expect things in return, if you learn otherwise you’ll have to dump his ass sooner or later.
No, we never hung out or got really personal with one another.
Definitely tell P2. You’re grateful to know your wife is a cheater so you can at least restart and have the opportunity to meet a your true and honest partner, yeah? Definitely give the other guy the same kindness.
Sucks finding out, but it’s even worse when you’re three years down the line and find out on your own and having to deal with people knew and didn’t tell you on top of the cheating.
OP what you are experiencing are the fair and reasonable consequences of your actions. You acted like a creep. Now people are treating you like a creep. You can respond to her message to say that you understand and will respect her wishes and apologize for making her uncomfortable. You can not reasably expect her not to tell people. The fact that you are acting like an equal victim in this scenario that is entirely of your own making shows that you unfortunately have not learned much from your mistake. The best thing you can do is approach women more respectfully in the future, but in the meantime you're going to have to live! with the consequences of your behavior.
You need therapy. He sounds like a narcissist and this sounds like a classic narcissist plus fawning (you) combo. You should research the fawn response in regards to narcissism.
I’ve always felt that it takes away from a gift to ask your partner what they want. It’s so much more sentimental and meaningful if they get you something without you telling them what they want.
My personal view is that reminding him to get you a gift would come across as greedy and controlling. My advice is to leave things as is and try to stop worrying about something before it’s even an issue.
This sounds like a medical problem not a mental one. Possibly vaginismus. If she's interested, she should see a doctor about a diagnosis and options.
But you can't make her do that. You can express how you feel and that you would really like her to look into it. But if she isn't really interested and this is a deal breaker for you, you need to think of other options. Most likely divorce.
* i realize I’m not done processing my breakup? i definitely 100% sure know i don’t want to get back with my ex*
I think you should tell Jaz this, Op. Tell her you 100% will not get back with your ex. And that you like her a lot but you need some time to fully process your breakup. Ask her, will you be willing to take our friendship/relationship slowly? Or would you prefer we keep our distance until I feel in a better place? I understand you will want some time to think about it and decide.
I think this would be best for you both because you are telling her honestly your position and giving her the opportunity to think about it and decide what SHE thinks would be best for HER.
I wish you both the very best, Op.
With what money?
You're either a priority or an option. NEVER settle for being an option.
Hopefully he eventually matures out of prioritizing video games. Realistically though…. how long are you willing to wait? Weeks, months, years or even forever? Life is far too short to wait for a maybe
I am so glad I didn’t know about this without the update. Don’t know where OP lives but I love cats and I was so enraged I would’ve taken off work and traveled in order to help. And likely been jailed after confronting OP’s husband to find the truth and cat.
Let’s say you married him. He can’t afford you or any kids you might want as at least half his paycheck will go To these kids. Want a house? He can’t help. A new car? He can’t help. Vacations? Nope. He’s lied. Now he brings massive baggage. Is this what you want.
Aw, I sincerely hate to hear this for her. It sounds like she's got a lot to unpack mentally. I hope she's surrounded by more supportive people since the first segment of her life sounds hellish.
However. And I only even bring this up because things like this are upsetting and really hit close to home… don't take it upon yourself to be the support she needs. Being there for her as a person does not equate to becoming her personal assistant with chores and pet care. It's very kind to do those things… especially since the cat is a living creature who cannot verbally convey hunger (or other basic needs). But having an honest conversation may be what she needs. Like, “listen, I am always here to talk… but being here for you and cleaning up after you are not the same thing. I love ya, but trash and old clothes attract mice and bugs – which is something that neither of us need added to our list of 'crap we have to deal with' right now.” Then maybe work TOGETHER to get the place cleaned up and celebrate with a nice meal or pizza takeaway or something friendly.
21 yr old moved out. And he does not hit my 18 or 11 yr old because they are not his but threatens it daily. And always tells me I should do it. But he does whoop our 3 yr for small things thay can be corrected in other ways.
bpd?
You need to communicate the way you feel but also you need to work out these emotions. Some of your wording sounds like you're blaming him? So I just want to make sure you know that he's behaving fine. Sort out why you're being so nude on yourself then talk to him about the situation