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Yeon, 20 y.o.
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Lol believe me I wish my story was fake. You can't make this stuff up, there's way more details that are worse that I left out. Here's my full story if interested: A man took me out on a “date”. He had invited me. I was really excited, blew off a work project, got new heels, a dress, and was excited to be wined and dined. I really did put in a lot of time, money, and energy trying to impress him and be good company. I didn't ask him about whether he was paying and expected him to pay since he asked me out. When the bill came, he just gave me a blank stare. I asked him if he was taking care of it and he just said “No”. I got visibly upset and he started bragging about other women that wanted him, then threatened to get up and leave if I didn't pay when I started crying. I panicked about being left with the whole bill. I also was honestly extremely insulted because I had invested a lot getting ready to impress him and was excited to see this guy, and this felt like a massive smack in the face. He said we could split it and we both put in our cards. Turns out, he had actually LOCKED his card. The waitress came back and said “I'm really sorry, his card didn't work” and she told me my card got charged for BOTH meals. Wanting to be “nice”, I didn't complain, I just said that's okay and signed the check, but I'm wondering if this was my legal obligation. Can I complain to the restaurant? I feel as though it was not fair he bullied me into paying for him and I got screwed over for trying to be a good person and pay my share out of respect for the restaurant, even though it was a date HE asked me on. But then the restaurant charged me for BOTH meals because this guy locked his card. The guy also seemed very, very pleased with himself that he didn't need to pay and wouldn't leave a tip either, so I had to put down the little cash I had (20) too. It was 100 for both plus tip and this guy refused to pay anything and bullied me into paying for him by locking his card. I'm not sure what else I could have done and feel really bad about the whole thing. Could I have asked to only pay for myself? ALSO: since my house was down the street from the restaurant, I stupidly let him talk me into “walking me home” and then when we got to my door, he said he had to use the bathroom so I stupidly let him inside. He then took his shoes off and tried to stay, and I had to kick him out. Thankfully my 30 year old roommate was there, so the guy sheepishly left when he realized another man was in the house, but I'm worried something terrible could have happened. I'm kind of shocked at my naivety looking back. Could he have bullied me into segs too if my roommate wasn't there? TLDR: Guy bullied me into paying and I was really really shocked and unsure how to handle it. How do I avoid this happening again? my mom said it would have been rude to ask upfront if he was paying and i wasted my time and feel terrible and traumatized. I also feel as thought I was unintelligent, thoughts? i feel so “soft” and foolish for crying, letting him bully me, and paying the WHOLE bill for this privilege. plenty of women are saying i'm really dumb and they would have just walked out. Update: He texted me a week after this ordeal, says he was really excited to get to know me, he “doesn't see not paying as undervaluing me at all”, he wishes we could have kissed, and really wants to meet again. In this case, should I ask him to send me the cash back or just ignore him?
Thank you. With all the context I do think that there are psychological factors which have made this happen.
When she phoned to do it, she said she wasn't sad at all – but it didnt take even ten seconds of describing the week we had together to make her break down and cry. It's like she's built herself a little veneer of denial for the purposes of carrying out a breakup.
? i cheated on my imaginary (34m) husband…
Shes gonna do what shes gonna do. I had just gotten to my duty station(which i picked to be closer to her) and she cheated on me a month later. Focus on your career, women will follow.
Thank you š Iāll be thinking about this
I think you are thibking too much into it. Probably theyre thinking along the lines of “if we had that kind of money we would buy them the house”. They just dont get you which sucks but at the same time they arent trying to take advantage of you, and honestly you should count yourself lucky at least for that.
Sounds like you got a loving wife and tolerable inlaws. Could be worse.
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Sounds like boyfriend learned a new phrase (Emotional Intelligence) without really learning what it means and has decided to use it against you. EI has nothing to do with “you were talking to someone else”.
Thank you for the reassurance. I will convey this to him when we are both feeling calmer and ready to talk. I wasnt sure if I was just being dumb lol.
One last thing: come clean to your parents. Tell them that this man abused you and forced you into taking these pictures under threat of harm, and now he is trying to blackmail you and ruin your life by sending them to friends and family. Tell them you're so ashamed this happened but you felt like he would hurt you and/or them so you just complied to stay safe and you should have just told them to begin with so they could help you get away from him but he had you beaten down so badly and so scared that you weren't thinking properly.
Went through something similar with my ex; his doctor said something along the lines of it posibly being transmitted throug nasty motels and such. My doctor said that couldn't be possible (and so said my sister whos a chemist).
I would look into both posibilities and recomend you BOTH to go to the doctors' appointments togueter
Dude, he's nearly 50.
He's done this before, he knew exactly what he was doing
The way to stop the drama is to talk to your dad about it. Your girlfriend is not comfortable being touched and I donāt blame her. You need to respect her boundaries.
This is true, but we already donāt spend every minute together. I also donāt think itās necessary to be fascinated by everything they say, and itās more important just to feel comfortable and lived around eachother
So itās been almost a year and you still talk about it ? Feels like you wonāt be able to move on from it
Believe me if we didnāt on-line together I would have a long time ago. The fact we on-line together makes the situation much harder as I want to be 100% sure she likes me before escalating otherwise it could be awkward. Plus it doesnāt seem genuine to me if weāre drunk.
I think you know the answer to this question and were hoping to come here to be proven wrong, but I hate to break it to you – you've been in an unhealthy relationship and have developed a habit of gaslighting yourself rather than seeing the emotional affair that is happening in front of you. Even her own boyfriend is experiencing the same thing – that's no coincidence.
This little thing you're feeling is something you'll learn to trust as you get older – it's your instinct. You're being mistreated. Listen to it. You deserve better.
I feel like someone who isn't cheating would respond by saying something more like “oh you're so silly, I love you so much, etc.” You know? Not being super defensive right out the gates?
man can get sexual assault, not everything have to be an āhehehe this is going to show double standards!!ā. it not an oblivious fake troll
Hey, OP. So here is the thing: When I read the post, I originally was somewhat understanding of your partner. As someone who has consumed a lot of hentai in her teenage years, bukkake is something I always associated as misogynistic, as it was usually shown as something done to women to humiliate them/”mark them”/treat them as objects and not as a part of any sort of loving sexual (group) encounter. So while I find sex jokes super funny normally, this one would have disturbed me a bit. This was why originally, I wanted to comment something about sitting down with your partner and talking to him about what associations he has with that word, based on his porn consumption.
But then I read your comments.
Now he says that if I love him Iāll make an effort to change, but I have changed. Somedays I donāt even feel like myself.
Before he wouldnāt tell me that he expected me to change because I loved him, he would say that he expected me to respect him more. Now he openly says to me that he did expect a change and that Iām the reason heās so bitter all the time.
I used to be happy before I met him, I was on cloud nine, I did my makeup and hair and felt good about myself. These days I hide in a hoodie and sometimes I donāt even brush my hair. I try not to talk to anyone because I donāt want people to know how anxious I am or to tell whether or not Iāve been crying. Itās hot to be around others.
OP, you are in an abusive relationship. This is zero percent about a joke, tasteless or not. This man isn't in love with you, as you are. At best, he is seeing you as a project; as a doll he wants to change to his liking; not a partner who is his equal, but someone he has to change to suit him.
But I am certain that this isn't the best case. If it would be the best case, he wouldn't talk about you “disrespecting” him and you wouldn't feel like someone who has to hide under a hoodie. You are hiding your body, you are supposed to hide your personality and change it to whatever he pleases and you hide your tears from others.
This man doesn't want a partner. A partner is a teammate – someone whose happiness, needs and desires are as important to you as your own, because you are equals and if your partner is unhappy, so are you. But he doesn't want that. He wants someone who acts like he wants to – a tool, a marionette, a shell. Someone who “respects” him, and I suspect that the reason why he tells you that you don't do that is because to him “respect” means “obedience”. By still having a personality, by expressing yourself, by not acting within the parameters he wants you to act, you aren't obedient. Not a puppet, but still a person.
OP, you wrote in your comments that you are miserable. That's because you aren't free anymore. You are a captive, in an abusive relationship, forced and manipulated to dim your light to please this man.
I read what you wrote about him manipulating you by saying that “if [you] want to throw the towel āon our loveā that he wonāt feel sorry for [you]”. Don't you realize what this is? This is manipulation – he doesn't want to sit down with you and talk it out, he straight up goes to manipulating you, wanting you to grovel before him and apologizing for being “inconsiderate, selfish and rude” and beg him to stay with you. This is a manipulation tactic – he wants you to feel so bad that you don't just obey more from now on and change more to suit him, but that you also believe that you're all those bad things and thus are so grateful that he is staying with you, never believing that another man would look at “rude, selfish, inconsierate” you.
You are in a very bad relationship there and you need to realize that. He might have been charming the first year, but that was a facade. Now that he feels he has you trapped, he can be himself. This is the man he really is – a horrible person. Please think about what you would tell a friend or daughter if she would tell you what you wrote about. Would you really tell her to stay? Or would you tell her to run?
OP, please run. Please see this man for the horrible person he is. This isn't about a joke. This is about you getting dragged down deeper and deeper into a very bad place, until he has sapped all your confidence and strength and you don't feel like you can escape anymore. Please get out.
I get being angry at your sister for having a drinking problem. And I can even understand being angry that bad things happen to her because of this problem. It's easy to say: she put herself in this position. But we, as a society, have not found any consistently successful therapy for addiction. Watching someone slowly drown themselves is terrifying, exhausting, enraging. So, on one level, your emotions are valid. But you are not mad at her for sleeping with your soon to be ex-husband. You know she was incapacitated, and so she was raped.
You should call the police on your husband. He is a rapist. Call a lawyer and start the divorce. You should ask your sister to attend some form of alcohol therapy. You should not go anywhere with her if she is drinking. And you should maybe check out Al-Anon for families of alcoholics. Or find a therapist.
False Imprisonment in the Second Degree:
A person commits false imprisonment in the second degree if he knowingly restrains another person without legal authority
I don't overly talk, no. I might ramble sometimes but never for more than 5 mins at a time if I'm stuck in a subject I REALLY like
instead of telling dude to f off ask him to take a picture
If you canāt accept who she is, leave her.
this is out of my competences, the only i can think is log in any of hers socials (snap, ig, fb, Twitter etc), acces to her Google account(idk how it works on iphone), thats the ones who comes to my mind, but usual and most effective is just look at it when shes sleeping or away from it.
Or go old school and hire a private investigator
Sheās been clear the whole time that she wants to just be friends with you. I donāt know that I agree sheās leading you in. I think she just wants to be her friend.
You clearly donāt like her as a friend and want more. Iād move on and tell her you canāt be friends
Did you read the post?
thats what im saying, i think everyone is conveniently ignoring this
Talk to him about it. Something has to change, you can't both keep going like this. Your issues need to be worked on and you can support each other through it but you both have to try. I would always shut everyone out and try to work through my anxiety alone (which never worked) and this caused my gf to blame herself for me being distant and it wasnt healthy. We are both working on them together but you have to break the cycle.
Also I would not have a problem with your stuffed animal or coping mechanisms but I am a very understanding guy. I know that there are people out there understanding enough to not judge you for being you
Info: Do you have any other support system close by?
I get that you are scared and emotions are running high.
But yes, I think youāre being unreasonable and unfair to him. He is right that youāre going to need to be able to function without him by your side 24/7. You also truly donāt know what your situation is going to be at this time ā itās not a certainty that things are going to be terrible, just a higher-than-average risk of complications.
Certainly there are other friends, family, neighbors, coworkers, etc that could be called on in an emergency while heās away?
Itās one day. One day that is very important to the person you call your partner. One day that could be very important to your shared future and financial wellbeing.
Sounds like she is one of those people who get caught up in the fantasy of Korean dramas and kpop idols and has completely idealised the country and itās people. I would look out for any indication that she also fetishises Korean men, because unfortunately the two seem to be closely related.
You absolutely should not move there if itās not what you want. But I would also implore her to visit the country as a tourist before she even thinks of living there.
I would say though, you mention that she told you from the very start that this was a goal of hers, so if itās not something you want, why did you stay with her? You essentially wasted her time knowing you never intended on moving even if you think her dreams were unrealistic.
I know Iām being shitty. I never wanted to be that person but here I am. How do you cut someone off when you have a deep emotional connection with them?
She's here asking for opinions.
She's collecting opinions.
What is this business about being someone's “place to judge”?
You're talking as if A = B and B = C, so A must equal C aswell.
Just because he would prefer to be with someone who hasn't fucked around doesn't mean he places her, or even women in generals' value on their virginity.
You can have preferences without them being tied to some sexist bullshit. I don't agree with his logic but don't come here and claim that him wanting a virgin disqualifies him from being a great guy.
you're only 23, plenty of guys out there, my ex was similar, but not that forward with comments. Go find someone else and not waste years on a loser
What do you mean? Sorry from the UK I know a lot of things are different in the US or other countries. He pays child maintenance, he sees his daughter once a week.
Talk to a lawyer.
Sounds like a weirdo
youre here saying you think your boyfriend is using his spinal defect as an excuse
Yes it is bad
Sure, go ahead and shoot your shot. Good luck.
If you want kids then this relationship isnāt right
Are you truly happy to just sit there while he games? Heās almost 30 years old and his o my hobby seems to be gaming. You are far too young for your life to consist of watching this person game.
Weāre going to the Vatican and Rome which i had visited in the past. Weāre not staying in the same hotel and will be heading north to Florence, Milan and Venice then back down to Rome where we fly out to Athens. I have never been to Athens. When I was in Greece before, we stayed on Santorini. Also, weāre going to Perth Australia. I had gone to Sydney, Melbourne and Adelaide when i visited before.