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In most rental apartments I've had in the US it would have been a violation of my lease for sure to have anyone 'visit' for 6 months.
It seems unreasonable to me to expect to have any kind of guests for 6 consecutive months in a small apartment (in a non-emergency situation). I totally get where OP comes from when saying 3 months this year and again next year would be fine, but 6 at once is too much.
I think it's good to be honest about your limits to avoid resentments. It's a shame she can't see the generosity in a counter offer of 3 months spread over 2 years.
I can't offer much advice, but you have my best wishes. This could be a deal breaker for both of you. If so, it's probably better to find out sooner than later.
Whatever is decided, if they are visiting, it needs to be clear how the bills and chores will work. Taking care of 2 more adults is not insignificant in cost, and that cost includes time, money, and intimacy. Surely they will put one helluva wet blanket on your sex life.
You both should read the “Nonviolent Communication” book. It doesn't sound like either of you have effective expressions of your needs, amongst other things.
Let’s say, hypothetically, it’s not a celebrity but a coworker that they’ve just met and they proceed to leave you to chase these feelings. Would it be justified to feel some sort of anger/betrayal?
Clearly not true in this situation. One kid is in school, and the other is napping a significant amount of the time. And he's still having to do half the housework. So…
I hate you ?
Sounds like you're looking for a reason to end it. Asking people to decide for you however makes it seem like you trying to dump possible regret onto someone else.
If the relationship making you miserable, end it. But don't forget to look in the mirror once in a while, maybe you have something to work on as well.
He’ll have her head.
Toxic for sure
If you stay with this guy, you'll be proving him right.
You're only 3 months in. If they don't seem over one another you should go now. He's clearly not over or at least ok with her dating.
I wouldn't go after a single mother for this reason. Especialy if her baby daddy is so close still
This is seriously bad behavior. It should make you not want to be her actual boyfriend.
I was 14 with a 20-somethings. I thought I was so cool… Thank God I came to my senses before too much damage.
Wait 2 more days and then text him, “Hey, Brian. (I’ve named him Brian). I’m just checking in because I was feeling a little insecure after not hearing back from you for a couple days. I wanted to make sure you’re doing ok.”
super funny because i actually stopped dating a guy about 2-3 months in for this exact reason. it wasn’t a blowup or anything, i kinda phased him out once we talked about it and i realized that he couldn’t even perceive of talking to me directly. but that made me feel like he was afraid/intimidated by me and it generally irritated me/broke my zen.
not sure what to do here but you are seen and that shit is ass
Please listen to this poster OP.
He really needs to wake up
OK to wear them when she’s not around make sure no one she knows sees me nothing more than…ever, even if she doesn’t have to see it no man can ever look good in heels I should stop being delusional
Honey, your partner is embarrassed and ashamed of something that makes you happy. This is not healthy for you. Her vision of masculinity is rather traditional…and pretty toxic. If that’s not your vision of your masculinity, you’re no longer compatible.
Bottom line? She’s not supportive of you but expects your unconditional support. Take a step back and really see how lopsided this relationship is.
Soooo… you are chatting with someone live that literally could not on-line farther from you and whom you’ve never met in person. She wants to come to Australia to “be with you”
All you are worried about is the discussion around children?
Do you on-line in one of those outback towns with looe 20 men, 1 woman, 3 million sheep? Is it not possible to meet or talk to anyone more available and less clearly messed up?
Guys can be close, like watching porn together close. Doesn’t mean we are gay…
Why hello there Sugar Daddy.
This woman sure has you whipped. Be sure to wrap your pecker because the best way for her to secure her future is to have your baby – especially since it looks like you’re loaded. You’ve been played real naked Daddy, wise up and realise if someone needs to be financially supported 3 months into a relationship then they’re only going to be staying because you’re providing the good life, with none of the nude work.
“Confided in me enough to express her concern”
I bet she shed a tear or two as well. ?
She wants to be sure of her future finances? Tell her to get a job.
He already told the guy to fuck off, hopefully he stops engaging with OP after that disrespect.
It was a good suggestion, so thanks. It's just that a lot of them have that warm scent she's sensitive to right now.
I think it's a little creepy that a 33 year old woman wants a 23 year old guy ..sorry but that was my first clue that this woman was off why doesn't she want someone closer to her age ? Probably because she thinks she can manipulate younger men
I was definitely flippant in my response, maybe it’s the way the whole post is written…but this really doesn’t strike me as “saving a few locks of hair”. It sounds like baggies full of fur from a ton of dead pets. And consider OP hasn’t answered the peoples asking for clarification I still am majorly creeped out by the situation
This, there are things she can be doing to stop the rumors and support him. Even something as simple as a haircut can make you look a bit older.
OP I think you need to be more assertive in your communications to your wife. Tell her this is a marriage ending issue for you, because it’s not at all about how she looks but is about how she’s reacted to you expressing a concern over something that is significantly impacting your wellbeing. You’ve come to her with a valid concern about something that negatively impacts your life and she’s minimized your feelings, told you to just ignore it and suck it up, and this is despite her being the one best suited to make the situation better for you. Tell her you’re not willing to accept inaction from her. Don’t be willing to accept it. Ask her if she would to the same thing to your daughter (minimize and tell her to “suck it up” because she doesn’t see something your child is really struggling with as a big deal). However your wife responds to that, you can consider it and decide what you find acceptable from there.
Your wife needs to support you with this, plain and simple. It doesn’t matter if she thinks the situation is a big deal or not, what matters is that you have told her it’s a big deal to you (assuming you have, and haven’t just made passing comments without truly addressing the seriousness of the impact on you and your daughter) and she has ignored that. If she’s a decent partner she will try to understand it from your perspective and work with you to make the situation better.
It’s not about what other people think, and it’s definitely not about her looks. It’s about her minimizing your valid concern, ignoring a situation that is negatively effecting you and your daughter, and dismissing your view of the situation as being less important than her own assessment of the same. That shows some serious lack of empathy from her, which is understandable to be upset about.
All this is predicated on the assumption you’ve communicated the severity of the impact on your life with her. Please make sure you’ve actually communicated to her how severely you’re being impacted, and how you need her help in dealing with people outside the relationship. It’s not a big deal to her because she’s either positively impacted by it (she likes it that she looks young) or neutral. She needs to know it’s it’s a big deal to you. Use lots of “I” statements – I feel this, I am impacted this way, I would like it if you could help me with this. The words “you should” or “you always” or “you need to” aren’t going to be helpful here.
Best of luck! It’s not an easy situation, and not something you need to just ignore or suck up.
There are other relationship structures than monogamy. You could have an open marriage, and negotiate how that would work (DADT? rules on birth control/condoms, etc).
Open, monogam-ish, polyamory…. these can work if you two communicate and if you two are both secure and mature, and a host of other things.
I suggest you check out some other subs (like r/polyamory ) and look up the sex advice column by Dan Savage, Savage.Love (i think) he's based at the Seattle alternative paper The Stranger. He's been advice folks on these kind of subjects for a couple of decades now.
Of course, you can also suggest therapy, and you can also sit down and have a serious, “This is fast approaching deal-breaking levels. Unless this changes, I'm going to do X”. I meqn, he's cheated on you, so apparently he isn't THAT stressed since he has the time and energy to put his penis in other people.
Good luck OP. I hope you two can work it out.
Bro she cheated on you basically right after marriage and she didn't cut him off obviously, he messaged her on her birthday 3 years later. That's nothing you randomly do if you didn't have contact for that long time.
A crutch is a crutch.
She had a lot to overcome. 50's female here with a 27 year old daughter and I know. Been in your Mom's shoes. Having said that my daughter never really had any curfew, ever, caused we talked a lot, I trusted her, and gave her the tools to make her own good decisions. Do you have your tools to do that, or does she have reason to worry? I agree with other posters that maybe time for your own place. But first time for a real talk, let her know she can trust you and that your won't be treated like a 13 year old. If you can't stand up to her, she is right to worry that you won't stand up to sone guy wanting to take advantage of you.
Well, if she did actually cheat then she’s the one who’s toxic, you know?
Evil stepmother vibes big time. The fact this started after she had bio kids is very telling. She doesn’t love your daughter like her own child. That’s very obvious from a single post.
You see Ive thought this at first as well, Then I realised theres a bad trend where the person seems very excited to be with me for the good first year of everything and then that spark goes out.
It sounds like shes trying to ask him out on dates tho and he doesnt seem to be available. My now hubs and i paid our own way until we became a couple and then we switched every other date, who would pay. Theres ways to do this. But if theyre 6 months into a relationship, i highly doubt thats the issue unless they just suck at communicating. And if thats the case they probably shouldnt be together anyway.
Youve gone in a really odd direction.
The whole point is they can't go on a plane but want a nice vacation. Your examples say they need to go on a plane and/or break international laws. That's not useful.
Stop staying with an abuser. Do you really plan on raising your kids around the abuse? What happens when she starts abusing your kids? Have some self respect and respect enough for kids to leave that AH.
There’s never a justifiable excuse for abuse. Leave her.
Couldn’t have said it better myself. If my partner was texting a girl he left me for and telling her, after 14 years, that those were the best times of his life I would blow everything up. I would cease to function as well. He is being incredibly disrespectful, he’s being a fucking loser, and I hope OP knows she deserves better.
This is grossly unethical. Unless you gave her your number, she obtained it illegally. Not to mention she was your medical professional. This is troubling
I have many male friends that I spend time with without my husband around. We’ll go out to lunch when my husband is working or go out shopping together or something of the sort. I have no desire to sleep with any of them or carry on an emotional affair – I just enjoy having these friends, pure and simple.
Perhaps I’m wrong, because lying can mean many things. But if you freaked out when she expressed that she was hanging out with this friend – she’s not going to want to tell you the truth about it next time.
Hanging out with a male friend is clearly, obviously going to cause a problem in a lot of cases. I get that people say: “You can have friends of the opposite sex, I do it just fine”, but the problem with that is, if people were mature and honest enough about boundaries and communication then posts like OP's wouldn't exist, because quite clearly his wife hasn't been honest, she's actively deceiving him and making it out to be his fault.
She has a responsibility to her husband ABOVE ALL else to consider his feelings beyond that of her own if they relate another male outside of the relationship.
She assured me nothing was wrong and I then started trying to do everything I can think of to fill any voids or deficiencies I have contributed to in the relationship and reduce her loneliness, like coming home from work early (I normally work 10 hour days,) spending more time out of the house together, etc.
That's enough time for her to be engaging in a physical and emotional affair with another man while OP is out of the house. She's actively deflecting criticism onto him here.
I had texted him earlier and he said he was at home, which means he followed what she asked him to do and continued the lie.
See, if the guy was friends with both of them equally, he wouldn't be encouraged to lie on her behalf. He has a vested interest in maintaining the affair. I know full well as a man that another man isn't going to tolerate that behaviour, so if there's nothing going on I'd certainly not make it seem like anyone had a reason to be suspicious unless I had something to hide.
What is “ugly” to him isn't necessarily ugly for you. I find this a really weird God complex thing.
Tell her you are her husband and you are attending or she finds new employment/your done. Ball is in her court but find a great attorney.
Chances are if you had been 16 he could have risked his job, and surely his family/peers would be far more judgmental.
But since nothing else anyone is saying seems to be getting through to you, let me ask you this. If the reason he was attracted to you was because of how mature you are (lie), if this current target of his is 18 and extremely immature (as you mentioned)…Then doesn't that make you rethink about why he actually did pursue you? Clearly maturity doesn't matter to him, correct?