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  1. I mean she’s a cheater (you too) so you should be insecure. Her boyfriend was sitting home secure and trusting when you two were cheating together. What has she done to change?

  2. It's possible to love someone deeply and not be a good match.

    You should believe her.

    She's not ready for a relationship.

  3. It has nothing to do with her not getting along with your son. She gave you sound, logical advice related to your son having full on tantrums at 13 and hitting his Mom. You've got your head in the sand. But, at least your GF will be safe from his escalating violence.

  4. So you and his mother are going to wait until he becomes a mass shooter and kills dozens of people. Then you’ll go on TV and say you don’t know why this happened while he tells the court that he asked for therapy and his parents wouldn’t allow it. Parents are now being arrested too for their children’s crimes. This is your future so be prepared. Your current wife should be glad she’s out if this mess.

  5. yeah this boyfriend sounds like he's just fantasizing about other women… it's messed up on a lot of ways because he's also forcing her into the same twisted fantasy.

  6. Maybe he's going to leave you. That might happen.

    But no matter what happens, you recognize that you can't be a good partner and drink, you recognize the damage that similar drinking habits from your parents caused.

    If you spend a little more time really diving deep, I think you'll recognize that you shouldn't drink at all. And that's ok! Really!

    I honestly strongly recommend you look into local AA and Al-Anon meetings. Not to prove anything to your bf, but for your own personal growth!

  7. I don't think the 6 things you mentioned = ” just common females”–I think it's specific to your ex-gf.

    She sounds self-absorbed, negative and possessive as well as immature.

    Hoping for your next gf to be a much better partner than your last one. Good luck.

  8. It's fine to get engaged and married within 2 years. Their point of view is irrelevant, once you will be married they will just over time come to accept it as reality they can't change. Although you should live together for some time before marriage so if it isn't the case now it should become so.

  9. It has been my dad’s thing to financially support us. He was adamant about us not worrying about mom because he was of course very affected by the death of his mother a week after I was born. I don’t expect anything from him, and everything up to this point was a mutual decision between my mom and him. My brother recently did get a job, so if I need to take over from my dad I hopefully will be able to financially support my mom. My mom is unfortunately planning to break up with Clara as it has not been a healthy relationship. My mom hasn’t been just sitting around either, she does work as a substitute teacher a couple times a week but it isn’t great pay.

  10. How low are your standards that you accept this absolutely disgusting behaviour?

    Don’t waste any more of your time trying to save this clueless goofball

  11. Holy fuck the fat acceptance replies in this are atrocious, if he were a smoker would you want to date him long term? Look at it with a different perspective, you yourself are not that happy with your current weight, if you were looking for someone long term would you not take health into account?

  12. u/Potato-w-love Go get your stuff. Leave him a note stating you're breaking up with him because of his constant lies, and you will not be in contact with him anymore- then actually block his number and socials so he can't try and weasel his way back into your life, because you'll want to go against all common sense and let him back in a bid to seek closure that will never come. He's repeatedly proven he's not a good person, so follow through with no-contact!!

  13. Yep. I've dated one like this. They will always continue to build a mountain of lies. This dude just doesn't want to pay child support.

  14. Well your friends I mention as… do they see anything to worry about?

    And maybe other trauma like abandonment – lose dad at a young age?

    I'm trying to back seat guess at why you'd feel that… if you don't have evidence, you don't have trauma you're bringing forward and your friends all seem to give him the thumbs up?

  15. Plenty of people on here seek advice because they’re jealous of their partner’s sexual past with a ton of partners. And now you’re here jealous that he DOESN’T have a sexual past ????? Maybe I’m wrong for thinking you would be jealous if he did have sex with them, but it’s the same jealousy of the past that puts them in an impossible position

  16. I mean, if you want to stay together with your wife then yeah you might just have to keep repressing some of your needs for a bit longer dude. Sometimes that’s just what happens; especially considering everything her body has been through in the last few years.

    I’m not saying proposing an open relationship is wrong or makes you a bad person – just that realistically, it’s not going to give you what you want, which is to get to have sex now but also stay together with your wife. So you have to decide whether the staying together is worth waiting it out a bit longer to see if her sex drive/body image improves (and there are other things you might do to support that along the way) or whether the need to have more frequent sex in the immediate future is something you can’t keep putting on the backburner. Only you can make that call; just don’t go into it thinking that you can propose an open relationship, see how she feels about it and then just move on from that conversation if she’s not interested in the idea. That’s a bell you can’t un-ring, so if it really is the best solution in your view then you need to be prepared for the full consequences of bringing it up goes badly.

  17. That solution is just asking to tear apart the relationship. Making decisions from a place of hurt generally causes more hurt.

  18. And then she'll be dropping hints on your other friends when you start dating her. It's best to forget about her and focus on other girls dude.

  19. I'd tell her your plans changed last minute and u are actually going to the US then not give details. Say they aren't finalised yet. She is gonna stalk you to the end of the earth and beyond otherwise.!

  20. Personally if I were a gamer as a woman I would not want a guy defending me, that just feeds into the stereotypes about girl gamers.

  21. Not really, She was not this bad even at the very beginning of the relationship and for our full friendship. I'm not sure if life for her has been getting to much because she has a lot going on. and I'm not trying to demand for her to talk to me. Just that her to make the first move.

  22. He helped her cheat on her guy. Granted he didn't know at the time, but once he realized it he never spoke up. Seems plenty wrong to me.

  23. i did indeed report both of them today. thank you for your kind words. definitely broke up with him and the friend group. my ex ^ was also planning to go to the marines next month but now he can’t go because they of it. thank you everyone for your advice

  24. Or talk to her!!! This could all be a misunderstanding. All of these leave without a word advice feeds are children that will avoid discussion no matter the cost.

    Ask her what’s up! If it’s what you think, then boogie out, but don’t just ghost your girlfriend without hearing her side here. It’s a bad habit. Relationships, even leaving one, are about communication. Anything less than this is just being a passive scared little kid, who shouldn’t be in a relationship at all if that’s how they handle things.

    Talk. To. Her!!!

  25. Cut your losses. It's only been 6 months, and trust takes time to build. She booked the Air bnb after you started dating without letting you know about it until it's too late. That's not a good sign.

  26. Counterintuitive as it may seem, focusing on your own sexuality is the best thing you can do to make it better for him (and you!). Figure out how to have an orgasm (maybe get a Hitachi?), experiment, figure out what feels good, what turns you on, etc. He wants to blow your mind and it's hot to do that if you're worrying about whether or not he's satisfied the whole time.

  27. I just want to share that my mother got married at 39 and had two children, one at 40 and one at 42. There is definitely still a chance at a family relationship with someone else that loves and respects you and has the same goals as you do if that is something important to you. I'm sorry for the whole situation though.

  28. Before couples counseling can work you have to own your side of the issue as your problem, not hers. If she also gets counseling and determines she has her ie issues to work on, which may or may not be related to yours, then when it is recommended by both therapists that’s when couples counseling can help.

    Your issues with authority can only interfere if you believe that person has authority over you. If a child tells you to do something and their tone or wording bothers you – that’s not because that person HAS authority over you. It means you have unresolved triggers. Your wife getting counseling won’t help with that at all because the only thing she could do is pander to your triggers and try not to offend you – which she can’t stop your triggers now either.

    For instance, if I or anyone on here, or your therapist tells you something and you are triggered, you have more work to do. I hope you get the help you need.

    My opinion in this is based on my own issues with authority. Once I figured out what was triggering me and why I was able to let people be themselves and not let it trigger me anymore. My relationships are more peaceful and loving. My stress is negligible now and I love those in my life more than ever.

    But it meant letting other people be different, be right and for me to do what is asked of me by those I trust after acknowledging they aren’t out to get me, to hurt me, to ridicule me or betray me. It’s overwhelming to have all those fears when all that she wants is the heater on right?

    Take responsibility whether anyone else does or not. Take back your power and choose to do as someone says because it won’t hurt anything or anyone outside of your fears.

    Good luck with that. It took a long time for me to get it but I did. Hopefully you will too.

    Oh and if my words trigger anyone here, don’t think I have power over you or I’m better than you. Because no one has that that you don’t give it to. I’m just not you.

  29. Sounds like your wife and SIL live very easy lives and you've given them something to rally over

    screw people like that

  30. Being attached, even married, doesn't mean you turn off attraction to other people. I find that going to a party, my husband and I will both have engaging conversations with the opposite sex, and because we're very secure, a little flirting energy can then be taken back into OUR relationship and end up giving us a great night together AFTER the party ends.

    So, you have to decide if this has crossed a line for you, or if you have internal insecurities to be addressed so you don't require perfection in your outside world (impossible) in order to feel secure, OR (and most likely) this is simply highlighting your emotions where there are some cracks already in the foundation of your relationship (evidence number one, that when you try to talk about it it goes straight to denial and defensiveness, although no one is going to react well to a discussion if the opening line is an accusation, but I don't know how you brought it up)

    Marriage means having so many uncomfortable conversations, facing the truth, and then using your love and compassion to navigate it together. Use this as practice for that model, and don't be afraid of the information: if you discover something it was already there, ignorance would never have protected you forever. GOOD LUCK

  31. It’s a deal breaker for me. She’s trying to trap you. She has no respect for your life plans. She wants what she wants and doesn’t care what happens to you. She sounds awful. Find someone you can build a life with, not someone who wants to trap and manipulate you.

  32. The fact that you even agreed to these absurd things is just… ridiculous. Just say no, OP. You’re not a hostage and you’re already doing way too much for someone who is refusing to budge a little. Step out of the bridal party and let someone else deal with this BS.

  33. If I understand correctly – your wife is upset. She deals with her emotions by taking some space to process them internally. You know she likes some space. Instead of giving her that space, you poke her into interacting with you by saying ‘I love you’ repeatedly. You then get anxious if she still is in the wanting space mode. You now are trying to make this all about you.

    You’re the only one weaponizing your anxiety here.

    It is reasonable that your wife wants some space after an argument. You should not be trying to manipulate her into getting over arguments on your time frame. You should not be saying ‘I love you’ as a manipulation tactic. If you want your wife to rengage with you, you should use your words. ‘Honey, it’s been two days, let’s talk about that fight.’

    Your wife knows that your ‘I love yous’ aren’t sincere. Every time she says ‘mmhm’ she is thinking ‘great, he’s trying to manipulate me with I love you, again.’

    You should be anxious. Your wife sounds pretty over your behavior. I would not be half as patient as she is.

  34. You have permanently ruined your relationship with your daughter. Suck it up, Princess. You’re a terrible person, congrats!

    Give her her mother’s ring. You don’t deserve it. Neither does your daughter’s-ex-turned-your-lover. The audacity of M to ask her ex to her baby shower to celebrate a baby she is having with her ex’s father. She should be on the couch sobbing and shaking with the knowledge that she, too, is a terrible person.

    Give the ring back. Leave your daughter and her wife alone. You suck.

  35. If you’re talking to your partner about something “now that you’re older” it kind of sounds like you already know what this situation was to begin with. He won’t have a discussion about it because he’s immature hence why he pursued someone so much younger than him. Now you’re maturing and he’s staying the same because he’s been done with self growth for a while now.

  36. $120 per guy for the show seems about right. She’ll likely collect tips and linger for “private dances” all for an additional fee of course.

  37. I would simply pack her a couple of bags and escort her out the door and tell her she can now sleep with anyone she wants and she should just let you know where to have the divorce papers served.

    Women who mention this, especially when in bed, either already have a partner(s) picked out and have been talking to them OR they have already been doing it and they feel guilty or you have nearly caught her/them so she wants to bring it out into the open.

    You can tell her the only way you will consider any type of reconciliation is if she comes clean now about EVERYTHING AND posts a poll on all of her social media pages asking her friends and family if they think it is a good idea for her to explore her sexuality.

    Sorry this happened dude. The best thing you can do is try for a quick and amicable split but make sure your friends and family know this is NOT your idea and that she is the one cheating or wanting to cheat.

  38. This sounds like abuse. I like the book Why Does He Do That to understand abuse, how it looks and feels. If you want to try and help him get some professional help, that’s great, but also this is abuse and it’s not good for you. So I’d plan on helping him find professional help and leaving him.

  39. Yeah I was going to say this exactly. The people I’m always suspicious of are the ones who are like, overly charming with everyone and will basically do whatever it takes to be perceived in the way they want to be perceived. That to me is a much bigger red flag than someone who sometimes doesn’t fit in with others.

  40. Fight fire with fire. Your silence enables her. Speak up.

    Every time she shows up say “oh god the pathetic high school bully that hasn't grown up, get out of my sight, you disgust me”

    Every time you see your cousin tell her loudly how disappointed you are in her crap taste.

    When your family tell you to be reasonable tell them she bullied everyone at school and she isn't going to do it here. You are drawing a line in the sand, it stops now.

    If she runs out crying, follow her laughing at her crocodile tears. Tell her to get the hell out and fake cry somewhere else.

  41. Your “best friend,” doesn't respect your relationship, your boyfriend, or, frankly, you.

    I'm not a proponent of cutting off opposite sex friends, but your “best friend” actually tried to get you to cheat on your boyfriend.

    It doesn't matter if you reciprocate the feelings. How is your boyfriend ever supposed to be cool with you still being BFFs with someone who all out tried to get you to betray him?

  42. Dude, she should be mad at you. I know this will fall on deaf ears, but you need to get a grip. I would have thought you were in your early twenties by the way you whined, not pushing thirty.

  43. You women want to date older men for selfish reasons. Then complain when it doesn't go your way. Kind of deserved IMO.

  44. Just make sure you dump him before we get to “Anal, Even if You Don't Really Wanna Day”, I suppose…

  45. It wasn’t wrong of you to get impatient and have a “Hey, either you jump off of the diving board or you climb back down the ladder, but you can’t just keep standing up there forever” kind of moment. He just didn’t respond the way you wanted him to.

    Stop wasting your time on someone who has shown you that they will never fully dive into life with you. Find someone that’s genuine and invested and passionate. This guy ain’t it.

  46. She's lying because she's a manipulative psycho and she just got caught. If you keep dating her you're in for much more of this. There's no good, sane reason, she likes to stir the pot. She's not a good person. Move on.

  47. If it's been months since he responded back to you, you should start the process of emotionally detaching yourself from this person and move on.

    I'm sorry this happened to you, but hopefully you'll be able to find some1 who doesn't do this to you in the future.

  48. You may not want to hear this but you are young. Better you know the sort of person he is now than if you wasted more time with him.

    He's 25. I don't buy this bs about feeling comfortable to confide his feelings for the other girl. He's not stupid. I suspect he's getting an ego boost hurting you by telling you about this girl.

    It's unfortunate that we give ourselves to time wasters. Don't let him take up anymore of your time. He's a narcissist.

    I suggest you ask the prof to not be thesis mates. You need time to heal. Can you apply for a leave from this course? You won't be able to focus with him in class.

  49. Seems like your insecure. But it happens a lot when you are young. Its okay to feel the way you do, but insecurities will just eat you up inside. Hopefully as you get older and fingers crossed you are with this person a long time, you'll build up a good trust level with them which make the insecurities go away.

    I've been with my partners nearly 6 years and my past relationships made me insecure. My current partners also has a lot of male friends which I didn't like the thought of or understand when we first started dating. As time went on and our relationship grew, I knew I could trust her and it was just my insecurities causing my mind to run wild.

    It also helps to get to know the people who are insecure about, understanding there relationship will help you get over what your feeling.

  50. I believe I stated that we have to be out of our current place by September and it takes about 2 months for closing so we’re in a time crunch as well.

  51. Why would you be taking this risk? There are so many people out there without this issue. And the fact that she hasn't even told you about it means there is very little chance it has been worked through.

  52. I get that but my issue is that I could end up totally alienating him since he's (to my knowledge) not gay and I have no idea how willing he is to even try. When I first told him I was gay the first thing he asked me was “is our relationship purely platonic” and I said yeah, so I'd feel like I'm betraying his trust

    Either way he's one of the best friends I've ever had and I don't know what I'd do if he wasn't in my life

  53. He takes my money and gives me an allowance to keep me from leaving

    Fuck that, get out now, how is he getting your money

  54. Thank you @jgcraig, I appreciate your comment! I do think a good next step would be the doctor visit, and I will just have to ask him again. I also forgot to mention, he had these same sleep tendencies for a long time, even since childhood, and well before doing shiftwork.

    I think based on previous conversations we have had, he doesn’t see it at a problem, although I do think he recognizes that he doesn’t need 12+ hours of sleep, he still continues to do so. sometimes he gets annoyed if I don’t allow him to sleep. I do think he will be open to discuss it with me however it might lead to an argument.

  55. That's a very complex situation, so I can see why you're confused. My primary advice is to show him this post and take it from there. Communication is important.

    I also think he really ought to have a talk with his friends to include you more in the group. He clearly has a high IQ, so googling how to boil an egg shouldn't be too difficult for him. That was just being lazy, because he didn't feel like doing it. If he wants to make this relationship a priority in his life, it means sacrificing somewhere to make quality time.

  56. i promise you lol i am 100% a woman, i actually just don’t want to ask any of my friends this advice bc the school is VERY small (small midwestern liberal arts school) and i don’t want people in my business

  57. No ring no bring is a fairly common screening criteria, though. Key ring, engagement ring, or wedding ring.

  58. He broke up with you so he could sleep with someone else without it being cheating… wow you should not get back with him that’s messed up. Or what’s worse is they rejected him for a relationship and now he wants you back as his second choice..

  59. This is a person you need to go No Contact with. That's really irredeemable to do that to someone. She's planted a tiny doubt in your mind – that you didn't want or need – and there's no way to pluck it back out is there? Go see your therapist and talk this out. Do sleuthing if you must – but know whatever she said to you came from wanting to harm you because you couldn't fulfill her needs in that moment. That's not okay. I'd stay far away from her and frankly I'd block all contact with her.

  60. Yeah, sorry. She's going to want to talk about all this new fun stuff so she'll either ignore you and be on the phone to her friends all the time or tell you about it. Don't ask don't tell isn't going to work here because she will just distance herself from you.

    I think you said in another reply that she wouldn't even date guys if you weren't married. Are you prepared to be the backup option while she's looking for her new permanent relationship?

  61. It’s pretty gross and starts to smell. You can enjoy him as a boyfriend, so long as he flushes in your home and you spend nights at yours.

  62. My car had broken down a while ago and I couldn’t afford a new one. My daughter however would’ve made more money from selling her car to buy a second hand vehicle while keeping a lot of profit too.

  63. So they don't care that he hurt you, could have given you a life long STD, and/or or got the other woman pregnant?

  64. Tell her the truth, that you need to break up with her, and that you are afraid of her reaction. Tell her that you need her support and encouragement.

    And if you can’t do that. Then just Ghost this woman, deleted all of her details and block her on everything. She doesn’t even deserve an explanation.

  65. I understand your point, you think that since he said they were both private to him, that he meant there was no difference between the journal and the conversations. When that was never his claim, he was just saying he considered them private.

    The context of him claiming they were private to him was saying that he didnt want his wife to read them. He was never trying to draw some fundamental similarity between the two things.

  66. Does it tie the room together? If so, I say make yourself a White Russian and don't worry about it.

  67. If this guy is really such a sociopath and dirtbag, why would he just get your wife a job? Have you considered this started at the wedding and that's why he helped her a month later? You think it's a coincidence that he said they hooked up on a Monday night about a month ago and you remember her telling you early on that day that she'd be late at work? Idk, she seems guilty as hell.

  68. Thank you.

    We did break up and have been no contact for 5 months (no contact from me at least) but this feels like a Bandaid being ripped off all over again.

  69. You are seeing things clearly, and don't sound like a drama queen in the least. Don't second guess yourself – what you see is from your perspective, honor that. It's telling you how you feel and what you need. This is exactly how people end up repeating their childhood patterns – you seem to know this and see it with real clarity. That's a gift. Don't waste it – you might be the happiest you've ever been now – and no one's homelife is perfect. But this dynamic is not healthy for either one of these two – no need to throw yourself into the mix. You can do better.

  70. Yes. She’s a chest and you can’t trust her. You knew this, but married her anyway. You should end it.

  71. That’s what got me. It’s one thing to cheat but where the FUCK was that child? I’d be worried what I’d do in this situation.

  72. That’s incredibly sweet, and I’m really happy for you both. I wish you guys all the love and happiness, and don’t listen to morons saying negative stuff.

  73. is it even a marriage if you have to force him to do it with an ultimatum? I mean honestly, that's just sad. Don't you think you deserve someone who wants to marry you? Forcing people into things never works, but you'll probably waste your 20's on him figuring that out.

  74. Get a lockbox. With one key. Put your money in there and when he complains, tell him ‘the cost of living is going up so fast, I have to keep a tighter hold over what I’ve got; it doesn’t go far. Which reminds me; I won’t be paying for your vapes or gambling any more.’

  75. She's love bombing you! Pleeeease don't take her back. She has disrespected you and the marriage on multiple occasions. Run while you can OP. She's for the streets.

  76. Sounds like you are insecure that your wife is becoming her own person and not just your wife and a stay at home mom. Imagine being stuck at home for 5 years, watching your so participate in society. When you are a stay at home mom, you start to feel sad for yourself, jealous even that they get to leave the home and just spend time as a singular human. Nobody clinging to your shirt, throwing up on you. Begging you for a snack. Poking you in the eye the second you close them. Your were happy when she started taking better care of herself only because it made her more appealing to you. Maybe your bedroom is dying because she sees this new insecurity in you, as unattractive. Maybe this new attention she is getting is fulfilling to her. Do you try? Do you ask her questions about things she might enjoy? All sorts of situations can be intimate, not just touching. Spend any idle time together, in which conversations might flow? Or is it just about the kids, what’s for dinner, how the plans with the in-laws will go? You sound like you’re grasping at straws. Look into therapy op.

  77. Yikes. This was a misstep. Don’t say I love you again and don’t bring it up unless he does. Men get spooked really easily

  78. Yup I grew up in a navy town. It’s more common to see couples cheat then it’s not. I’d say it’s mainly due to the long periods of time apart when people get shipped out and a lot of military marry with barely knowing each-other for the benefits.

    So you’ll see couples who’ve dated for like 3 months getting married.

  79. You need to talk this out with your girlfriend. What does she want?

    But my question is, why on earth would anyone want to remain friends with people who are willing to treat them that way just because the 'friends' don't like who they are dating?


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